I am so sorry for everyone's loss. I understand the anger...I feel like a boiling kettle at times. My Mom is still here but in decline at 93. I was told nearly 14 years ago that she had 6 months to 2 years to live. I feel like I have been grieving that long to some degree, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am angry and questioning why God has had her suffer so long. I have put my whole life on hold to get her through this and am angry when others go on vacations and wherever they want and do not ever have to experience this storm of problems and emotions.They have no idea. I am angry at loser 5 star Medicare rated nursing homes for allowing a wound to develop, and another nursing home for when an aide dropped her putting her into a wheelchair and broke poor Mom's leg. I am angry and discouraged at all the promises I have heard from people and they don't come through. Angry at people who blurt out things without thinking before they speak. When going through something like this you see all the flaws in the medical and nursing home rehab system, and in many of the people around you, and it is very very disturbing and discouraging. How could I not be angry at some people's failings for how they have taken care of my Mom or been throughout this whole horrible time? So much is expected of us as caregivers that we get angry when others appear lazy and clueless. We don't have the luxury of being stupid and lazy, and maybe that is good and makes us stronger people.
I lost my mom when I was 21 & she was only 60. It was a terrible accident she died in a house fire it's been almost 41 years ago but it still seems like only yesterday. I was angry not only at her but God to its taken along time for me to forgive but first I had to forgive my self. Now I'm just sad I still miss her & I loved my mom so much it still hurts & I think about her everyday. But God is in control so I trust in him I will see her again one day.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm lossing my mom little at s time. But I find myself wishing God will take her before the woman she was is completely lost. I feel enormous guilt at feeling this way - but there it is.
Clara, it really would be helpful if you could express more about what type of anger you are feeling, or where you think it's really rooted. Sometimes that's not easy to do, actually, it can be really hard to figure out. But, it helps to embrace it at least enough to understand it if you can. Then you will find it easier to cope and to heal.
Hi, Clara! First, let me say you are NOT alone! I totally understand what you are feeling, as I am in the same situation... or at least a similar one. I quit my job to take care of my mother who is slowly succumbing to a disease that cannot be cured, and is slowly taking away her abilities one by one as I have to stand by and watch. It makes me angry, too, to know that my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But, I do have comfort in knowing that I can be here for her and try to make the most of every day she has left. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... not because of my own sacrifice, but because it's outside of my power to "fix" it. I cannot make her well again. I cannot give her back her memory, or her joy. I can only love her and care for her to the best of my ability... and then I have to accept that that is enough, even though I feel it isn't. My own anger is more a feeling of helplessness, though it does escalate at times into feelings of resentment toward others, such as my siblings and other family members that don't seem to care enough or do enough. I recognize that it's just my anger taking off in different directions trying to find a place to go, because, honestly, I don't know what to do with it so I just let it go wherever it chooses at times. But, in reality, I also know that it often is misdirected. It's hard to stay focused! Mostly what I want to say is, it's "okay" to feel those feelings! It's normal, and in some way, unknown to us, even healing. Just don't let yourself get too caught up in the negative feelings you are having. Always take time to "breath", and to pray, and to just unwind. It's so hard to take care of yourself when you are trying to take care of someone else who depends on you for everything... but, you have to take care of "YOU", too! I am NOT good at that, but I try the best I can, and the more I try, the better I get at it. I felt guilty every time I took any time for myself, but now I know I must do that if I am to be able to be there for my mother the way she needs me to be... otherwise, I'm a mess! It's a constant struggle, but it is, unfortunately, a necessary part of life. And once you get through it you will find that you are a better person, a stronger person, and a more grateful person for it. You must turn to your constant friend and counselor, your higher power, when you begin to feel lost and alone, and afraid... and angry. No one's to blame. It is life as we must live it. My heart is with you... we are in the same boat!
I lost my mom last year Dec 5 2013 I still have not gotten over it they say it get easier over time well it's been a year I Still hurt every single day I don't know for those of you that that still has their mom you just don't know how you are going to feel I still have anger.Just saying
Why have responders to this question ASSUMED that Clara is angry at other people? Clara never stated that. Infact she never stated WHAT exactly she is angry at or ABOUT. If she wishes, I am willing to help her explore her feelings. We cannot know, nor should we assume, what she feels. We can only ask and offer a comforting forum for her to express her truth. I am sorry for your loss, Clara.
Dear Clare, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, anger is part of the grieving process. I didn't understand my anger when I lost my husband either. My Ricardo died on June 27, 2013. I went through all kinds of emotions as well. Comments such as get over it were hurtful. I am sad to say that I was also angry at God. Like one of the comments in an earlier post, death is part of Gods plan. We know this, but our hearts are filled with so much sorrow that we kind of stand still for months. As noted earlier, prayer is very helpful. I have returned to daily prayer that includes praying for others needs. I find the time devoted to prayer very peaceful. I also am so aware of my husband's presence at times. I truly believe he is always close to me. Trust me, I am not crazy. I believe he is my other guardian angel. May God's peace surround you always. I especially think of Ricardo today as he was a Viet Nam Veteran. Consuelo, November 11, 2014
I am too angry at times angry that she didnt watch her diabetes and look after herself angry that she never had much of a life and never moved on from dad,angry that my life is onhold,angry that ive no money to spoil her rotten to take her places to make up for all she did for us. furious i cant do her house up like she deserves but im here and im caring and im doing the right thing when she goes there will be so much anger regrets grief but "this too shal pass". Anger is normal and healthy i know some people who dont show any emotions at all like my brother which i find "scary" be glad you can express this emotion even if we think we shouldnt be angry we have every right to be angry noone deserves to die like this of course we are angry im even angry at God!
Im also sorry for your loss, and I do understand because I lost many close family members/a friend, including a miscarriage and my mom. My mom died in 2010 Im still hurting and still a little angry why she was so young, but I am grateful shes not suffering anymore. You never forget but its gets a little easier. Just keep thinking all the wonderful times you had with her, she would want you to be healthy and happy. Hugs
I UNDERSTAND!!! I loss my mom last year unexpected. And I was UPSET at everyone. It is part of your healing. Anger and Mad is normal, But I had to keep praying and I STILL pray everyday and ask God to heal the hurt and pain. My mom was my everything she passed away at age 53.
Anger is a completely normal part of grief. Unfortunately, we have to experience each step towards healing. You WILL come out the other side, still missing your Mom, minus the anger part. But don't hold it all in, thinking that it's wrong to be angry. It definitely is not wrong. Just be careful not to take it out on everyone around you. Talk honestly about it, then hit or scream into pillows if you need to really let it out. Walking also is very good for anger., then you're cooled down when you arrive back home.
Clara, I am sorry for your loss. Anger is certainly a normal part of the grieving process. You are entitled to your feelings. Sometimes people will say things with the best intentions, but those words will be very painful to you. They don’t mean to hurt you. Everyone grieves differently. Some people might say things about how you can get over it, when they really mean you can continue to move forward with your life - slowly. It’s just that when they select their words, they don’t realize how they hurt. We all know that you will never get over your mom’s death. You don’t. You are allowed to be upset when people say things that hurt and feel insensitive. They are your feelings. It is perfectly normal to be angry. It's grief. I don’t know if you have looked to see if a counselor in your area might help you work through your feelings, but it may be helpful. If your mother was in hospice, please contact the hospice and speak to the social worker there to get started. They are accustomed to this situation and may be of great comfort to you as you deal with your feelings. If you are uncomfortable with speaking with a counselor, perhaps a trusted friend could help, too. Please accept my deepest sympathies. Thank you for being a caregiver to your mom. I know you miss her every single day, and I know that she appreciated and loved you for all you did for her. Take care, Dani AgingCare.com Editor
Clara - First, I'm sorry for your loss. I think we can go through many things but loosing our MOM is the toughest of all. A loving mother is the touchstone for the human heart so when they are gone, we often feel adrift. Even though my Mom is still alive, I've mourned the loss of her unconditional love, wise advice, emotional support and vitality. She was ALWAYS there for me; even though she didn't have much in material things, I could ALWAYS go to her. We shared a lot and I've had to find different ways to continue that relationship since she's become more forgetful and dependent.
Second - I hope you'll consider whether your anger is really mis-placed fear and stress. Rather than tell you WHAT to do, I'll relate my experience and hope you find some insight for your own. I find that the source of my anger is really fatigue, stress over finances and schedule; my grief, my sadness and the realization that I'll never have the same relationship with another human that I had with my mom. It's scary and it's isolating. Others who aren't dealing with similar situations have no idea what I go through - what I've given up to help her. They believe that because I've had no children, that I have some care-free, stress free life where I can spend every dime on myself. They are SO VERY CLUELESS!! So self-righteous, so judgemental - and they are SO out of my life now. What freedom THAT brings!! ;)
I hope you'll look at those situations, people and places where you feel angry and then consider WHY you're angry. It takes practice and self-reflection. I found that my anger drove people away from me. The very people I want in my life long-term were put off by my constant dark mood, they didn't know what to do to help or show support. I realized that I had to deal with things differently and be willing to say, "I'm so sad. I'm so stressed. I'm so afraid.." rather than bury those emotions and have it percolate out as constant anger and "prickliness". I finally began to say this things outloud which made it easier to deal with and I got a lot more understanding and support from friends and family. I WANT to maintain these relationships for the long term so being able to be honest with them and myself means I'll keep them in my life rather than drive them off. It took a lot of practice for me to get to the root of my feelings but within a few months, it became easier. I became more light hearted and even happy again.
I also found that talking with a friend who's a counselor helped a lot too. She didn't give me advice but she was a sounding board at times. If it's been a year and you're still mad and see no way to resolve it, perhaps talking with a professional counselor might be wise and get you on the right path.
I haven't lost my mother yet but it's inevitable, so I don't understand the anger part. Are you mad at people because they're going on with their lives and yours has changed so radically? Maybe you could explain your anger reasons a little more.
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Anger is normal and healthy i know some people who dont show any emotions at all like my brother which i find "scary" be glad you can express this emotion even if we think we shouldnt be angry we have every right to be angry noone deserves to die like this of course we are angry im even angry at God!
I am sorry for your loss.
Anger is certainly a normal part of the grieving process. You are entitled to your feelings. Sometimes people will say things with the best intentions, but those words will be very painful to you. They don’t mean to hurt you. Everyone grieves differently.
Some people might say things about how you can get over it, when they really mean you can continue to move forward with your life - slowly. It’s just that when they select their words, they don’t realize how they hurt.
We all know that you will never get over your mom’s death. You don’t. You are allowed to be upset when people say things that hurt and feel insensitive. They are your feelings. It is perfectly normal to be angry. It's grief.
I don’t know if you have looked to see if a counselor in your area might help you work through your feelings, but it may be helpful. If your mother was in hospice, please contact the hospice and speak to the social worker there to get started. They are accustomed to this situation and may be of great comfort to you as you deal with your feelings. If you are uncomfortable with speaking with a counselor, perhaps a trusted friend could help, too.
Please accept my deepest sympathies.
Thank you for being a caregiver to your mom. I know you miss her every single day, and I know that she appreciated and loved you for all you did for her.
Take care,
Dani
AgingCare.com Editor
Second - I hope you'll consider whether your anger is really mis-placed fear and stress. Rather than tell you WHAT to do, I'll relate my experience and hope you find some insight for your own. I find that the source of my anger is really fatigue, stress over finances and schedule; my grief, my sadness and the realization that I'll never have the same relationship with another human that I had with my mom. It's scary and it's isolating. Others who aren't dealing with similar situations have no idea what I go through - what I've given up to help her. They believe that because I've had no children, that I have some care-free, stress free life where I can spend every dime on myself. They are SO VERY CLUELESS!! So self-righteous, so judgemental - and they are SO out of my life now. What freedom THAT brings!! ;)
I hope you'll look at those situations, people and places where you feel angry and then consider WHY you're angry. It takes practice and self-reflection. I found that my anger drove people away from me. The very people I want in my life long-term were put off by my constant dark mood, they didn't know what to do to help or show support. I realized that I had to deal with things differently and be willing to say, "I'm so sad. I'm so stressed. I'm so afraid.." rather than bury those emotions and have it percolate out as constant anger and "prickliness". I finally began to say this things outloud which made it easier to deal with and I got a lot more understanding and support from friends and family. I WANT to maintain these relationships for the long term so being able to be honest with them and myself means I'll keep them in my life rather than drive them off. It took a lot of practice for me to get to the root of my feelings but within a few months, it became easier. I became more light hearted and even happy again.
I also found that talking with a friend who's a counselor helped a lot too. She didn't give me advice but she was a sounding board at times. If it's been a year and you're still mad and see no way to resolve it, perhaps talking with a professional counselor might be wise and get you on the right path.
Best of luck to you.