My husband is 63. He has HepC. 9 years ago he developed Primary Liver Cancer, and through the miracle of a liver transplant, he lived. He did have to do 82 weeks of a chemo-type drug, afterwards. It was a stressful grueling time for both of us. He relapsed 12 weeks after he quit. Since then, he has become moody, depressed, angry and sometimes, just plain hostile towards me. His HCV is not currently doing anything negative to his body. He just felt after his chemo attempt that he had failed.
He can and did work a fulltime job. He travels all over the country. He is only home for short periods of time (maybe a long weekend-4-5 days in a row) and the he's off again. Although he can do this, when he is home, he is in bed, asleep. I have literally seen him sleep from Friday night at 6 pm to Tues. morning. He gets up to eat a bowl of cereal and to use the bathroom and then he's back asleep. If we go to one of daughter's homes he lays on the floor or couch and sleeps. He eats all his meals in bed, if he can get away with it. He does nothing around the house, with the cars or yard. I am now a stay at home "grandma" and am very busy with family and church, etc. Hubs never does anything with me. Maybe dinner maybe once a month. He refuses to exercise or do anything that will make him get up. Recently dxed as Type 2 diabetes which he is doing a great job of controlling, but no energy came as a result. He's very critical and snarky with me-I know this is a coping mechanism to keep me from being close to him. We are not intimate and have not been for 5 years+. He will not see a therapist. He needs hearing aids and won't get them. If you saw him you'd think "What a silver fox!" but he's a silver fox who won't come out of his den. I am so lonely, whether he is home or not. I have thought a LOT about divorce, but we have a big family and it would kill the kids. They all wish he was better, too. Because of the travel-he has developed the habit of having the TV on in the bedroom 24/7. He refuses to turn it off. Sometimes I will get the chance to turn it off when he's really asleep, but he has it programmed to come on at 6 am. Mostly I sleep in another room, but it is not a really good bed and I really do want to sleep in my big bed.
He isn't really mean, he's kind of nothing. I did not see this in him before we married. He adores our kids and grandkids, but I could not prove to you that he loves me. He's very cold and often very thoughtless. I have asked if he wants a divorce and he says "If that is what YOU want".
I am so anxious with the holidays coming. I know he will be in bed every available second and will not help me at all (Christmas is all bought, wrapped and done---) but with one little family staying with us for 3 weeks and another coming down from Washington--we will be busy as can be--I'm already stressing over whether he'll get up or leave me to do everything, as usual.
I'm having major back surgery mid-Jan, which he says is a "bad time" for him--well, I'm still doing it as I can barely walk some days. I told him I do not expect him to do anything for me, but maybe would he not watch TV when I need to be down in bed. He hasn't answered me--
Whew, that felt good to just vent. I don't want to speak ill of him to the kids, they are adults and see what is going on. I just want him to be something he has no desire to be--a caring a loving husband who values me. He's only 63...I'm 58 and see the rest of my life as one long caregiving h*ll. (I also help care for an 84 yo mom and he wants me to do "more" for his mom.) I think a man who can work 40-60 hrs a week can eat at a table and pick up after himself and take the trash out once in a while. His excuse is always the same "I'm just so very sick".
Tired beyond belief at this dynamic. What do I do?