Follow
Share

My husband is 63. He has HepC. 9 years ago he developed Primary Liver Cancer, and through the miracle of a liver transplant, he lived. He did have to do 82 weeks of a chemo-type drug, afterwards. It was a stressful grueling time for both of us. He relapsed 12 weeks after he quit. Since then, he has become moody, depressed, angry and sometimes, just plain hostile towards me. His HCV is not currently doing anything negative to his body. He just felt after his chemo attempt that he had failed.
He can and did work a fulltime job. He travels all over the country. He is only home for short periods of time (maybe a long weekend-4-5 days in a row) and the he's off again. Although he can do this, when he is home, he is in bed, asleep. I have literally seen him sleep from Friday night at 6 pm to Tues. morning. He gets up to eat a bowl of cereal and to use the bathroom and then he's back asleep. If we go to one of daughter's homes he lays on the floor or couch and sleeps. He eats all his meals in bed, if he can get away with it. He does nothing around the house, with the cars or yard. I am now a stay at home "grandma" and am very busy with family and church, etc. Hubs never does anything with me. Maybe dinner maybe once a month. He refuses to exercise or do anything that will make him get up. Recently dxed as Type 2 diabetes which he is doing a great job of controlling, but no energy came as a result. He's very critical and snarky with me-I know this is a coping mechanism to keep me from being close to him. We are not intimate and have not been for 5 years+. He will not see a therapist. He needs hearing aids and won't get them. If you saw him you'd think "What a silver fox!" but he's a silver fox who won't come out of his den. I am so lonely, whether he is home or not. I have thought a LOT about divorce, but we have a big family and it would kill the kids. They all wish he was better, too. Because of the travel-he has developed the habit of having the TV on in the bedroom 24/7. He refuses to turn it off. Sometimes I will get the chance to turn it off when he's really asleep, but he has it programmed to come on at 6 am. Mostly I sleep in another room, but it is not a really good bed and I really do want to sleep in my big bed.

He isn't really mean, he's kind of nothing. I did not see this in him before we married. He adores our kids and grandkids, but I could not prove to you that he loves me. He's very cold and often very thoughtless. I have asked if he wants a divorce and he says "If that is what YOU want".

I am so anxious with the holidays coming. I know he will be in bed every available second and will not help me at all (Christmas is all bought, wrapped and done---) but with one little family staying with us for 3 weeks and another coming down from Washington--we will be busy as can be--I'm already stressing over whether he'll get up or leave me to do everything, as usual.
I'm having major back surgery mid-Jan, which he says is a "bad time" for him--well, I'm still doing it as I can barely walk some days. I told him I do not expect him to do anything for me, but maybe would he not watch TV when I need to be down in bed. He hasn't answered me--
Whew, that felt good to just vent. I don't want to speak ill of him to the kids, they are adults and see what is going on. I just want him to be something he has no desire to be--a caring a loving husband who values me. He's only 63...I'm 58 and see the rest of my life as one long caregiving h*ll. (I also help care for an 84 yo mom and he wants me to do "more" for his mom.) I think a man who can work 40-60 hrs a week can eat at a table and pick up after himself and take the trash out once in a while. His excuse is always the same "I'm just so very sick".

Tired beyond belief at this dynamic. What do I do?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
That's not the first time someone has suggested the "man cave". He essentially HAS one, the master bedroom. Our house is tiny--and I do usually sleep in the spare room. Money isn't a problem NOW, but if we divorced, it certainly would be. My kids see it, they also dislike it, but they would not understand it if I divorced him. Kids are kids, no matter how old they are. Hubs' parents divorced after 42 years of marriage--he was 39 and he was distraught over it for years. A very long talk in going to happen over the holidays. He needs to step up his game. I'm really not myself due to the pain I'm in so everything is "worse" because of that. Once I get my back done--and off pain meds, I know my thinking will be clearer.
I have too many friends who got divorced and now realized they should have fought harder to make the marriage work....although that's the best gift I could give my MIL, she'd love to see us break up.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

First thing - you say money isn't problem. So buy yourself a good bed and let him have his "man cave" to himself, day and night. The least your deserve is a good night's sleep. I honestly think you should consider divorce. Your children are adults and must see what he is doing to you. They will understand in time.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Thanks, Palmtrees1--yes, my therapist has been through a lot with me (18 years!) so she has seen a lot of this up close. I think she is spot on. I don't want a divorce, but I do want a life. It's hard to "find" friends when everyone seems to be married--but I have a few close ones. He also adores the g-kids. One little one (18 months) came over to play and she went immediately to the bedroom to look for him in bed. At 2:00 in the afternoon.
I have a lot of love in my life, I have to resign myself that I will never have the kind of marriage that I'd wanted. Sadly, really, he's the one who loses out. I am so willing to anything for him, and he doesn't care. And yes, he is very self centered--if I say anything about my back, he says :"well it's better than having Hep C"...when all I want is for him to say "I'm sorry for you, can I do something for you". Not really rocket science.
My kids adore their dad, They see him clearly, and I know that almost losing him made them all love him and treasure him that much more.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I would listen to your therapist. You can't change him and he does sound depressed. What sort of relationship does he have with his kids and grand kids?
I wouldn't waste one more day worrying about him and just work on making yourself happy. With five children and grandchildren there are a lot of people in your family to love and be loved by.

While I feel sorry that your husband has been ill, he is being very unfair to you. And from what you say has always been a bit self centered. Can't change people like that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thanks all--
He has always been a little bit off board as far as the marriage--he has always done exactly what he wants and if I felt like going along, I could have. (We have 5 kids, so backpacking, rock climbing, high adventure skiing, river runnning just didn't mesh)
No, no real financial worries now. The TP & chemo cost about $175,000, but somehow we made it through. I worked two jobs for a couple of years and every cent went towards medical bills.
I already see a therapist--have been for many years, She is encouraging me to live a married single life--I am trying to cultivate friendships with women who are in similar situations or single themselves. It's very hard! But good advice.
Without question Hubby is severely depressed. He admits it, but thinks that his Cymbalta should be taking care of that. Will NEVER EVER EVER EVER consider therapy (his own brother is a therapist and he thinks he's an idiot, so, well)....Captain--I pray that Sovaldi is the answer. Hubs is Type 1a, so very hard to cure, plus he's a TP patient. Still, the numbers look good. There is hope. (He did Interferon/Riba for 84 weeks--hell, from day one--"relapse" means that he went from a zero detectible viral load to a detectible one--the amount of millions or whatever makes no difference--the HCV came back).
We already ARE separated--by his work. He LOVES his job, hard as it is sometimes, I know he loves it with all his heart. It does not exhaust him. It EVERGIZES him. I know it's about control--he can control work and the situations he's in. He does not have any plans to ever retire.
The holidays are always super, super stressful. I'm already feeling it. I do it to myself, the kids and g-kids don't care if I fuss it--but I guess I care too much. I appreciate the thoughts and words. Mostly I am in pain 24/7, and until that can be remedied, everything seems so much harder. Having surgery won't fix my relationship--actually, I don't think anything will, since I am the only one who wants it to change. He's perfectly happy the way it is--says it's 100% my problem. I asked him last night what he plans to do the next 2+ weeks (he's off work--or will work from home and he replied "sleep, sleep, sleep".
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I say, "what makes you happy" I hear you focusing all on him.

What about you. What about doing what makes you happy. I didn't hear that there were financial issues.

We only have one short life to life, "life it to its fullest" hence my name "LIVELIFEFULL"

:-)
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

He sounds depressed to me. So many unwanted life changes. He needs some mental health help as much as the physical health help. It's hard for men to ask for and go get this help. Very, very hard. But the VA is paying a lot more attention to these issues now, and working on making access more possible.

YOU need to make your own arrangements for rehab post-surgery so you are not depending on someone who isn't able to do the job. Some time away from one another might do everybody a lot of good. Best wishes on all this.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I never give marriage advice to others. I can only say that I would be very hurt and stressed living like the two of you are. Is there any way that you can live separately for a while so that you can get some rest while you're going through your surgery? I always hope a marriage can recover, but I know it has to have two people working at it. You sound very alone in your marriage. This means you have a lot more work with none of the fringe benefits.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

sovaldi has about a 95 % positive response rate but it cant cure a sick marriage .
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

i dont see how a person with that serious of liver disease can even work 40 hours a week . hepc is all about fatigue . maybe your expectations are a little high for him and yourself . downsize your life to a shack in the woods , have a seat and yell out . i see typical americans everyday doing things that i consider misguided and redundant . cutting grass , raking leaves , tending to dumba** animals .. with hepc you learn to work smart and make every lick count .
63 aint all that young . something tells me your husband is worn out with you too .
a divorce may be best for both of you .
if i ever meet the right gal i hope shes lazy as hell . we could discuss something that needs done for a half a week then one of us could eventually walk over and kick it out of sight .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I wonder if his job is taking all of the energy he has. Traveling around the country for extended periods of time is exhausting even for "youngsters", so I can only imagine how tiring (and isolating) that is for a HepC diabetic who's his age. Does he love his job? Is he planning on retiring anytime soon? That would be where I'd start.

Was he always this way, but to a lesser extent, or is this a real change of personality for him?

He sounds depressed to me. I don't understand his "relapse". Relapse of what? Do you mean his cancer returned or his HepC? I'm confused about that point.

If it was me, I'd see a counselor for myself, to get a handle on moving forward in a way that suits you. He may or may not be a willing partner in any change you decide to make, but at least you can find out what makes sense for you and your future.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Well, you go get your back surgery and instead of coming home, you go to rehab where the meals are brought to you and the PT is just across the hall. Tell yourself it is a vacation and make the most of it.
When he clears the Hep C he will have a much better outlook. Ask Captain.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hubby was a Nam vet and he knows more about Sovaldi that his doc did! That's the next step. My concern is that even when he clears the HCV he's still going to be impossible to live with.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow, talk to Captain, he is our resident Hep C expert. If hubby was a Nam Vet, get him to the VA and ask about SOVALDI® (sofosbuvir) treatment for the Hep C.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.