How can I deal with my Father's aggressive behavior toward my husband and myself?

"Someone took my radio/pocket book/good pen/hearing aids/jewelry/something!" is a very common refrain in dementia. And it can be a vicious cycle while that phase lasts. "My comb is gone. I know there is a thief around here. I'll hide my glasses to be safe. Oh, I can't find my glasses anywhere! The proves there is a thief."

The alternative thought, "I've lost another possession. My memory is fading and my mind isn't working right," is too painful to accept. So, someone took the missing item. Your father's behavior is quite common.

What is driving your mother is more puzzling. Is she in denial about Dad's dementia? Was she perhaps talking in front of him to assure him that she is trying to help him? Can you talk to her privately to discuss what is going on?

I know this is extremely hard, but try not to take Dad's accusation personally. It is damage in his brain that is causing this, and it no doubt isn't helping that he has anger issues on top of dementia. Try to sympathize without falsely admitting guilt. "Oh Dad, it is certainly distressing to hear that your black radio isn't were you expect it to be. I'll double-check to make sure it didn't somehow get mixed up in our luggage, but I don't even remember seeing it. I remember seeing a silver radio there, with a clock. Is that one where it should be? I'll look for it but if it is not here then can I come over and help you look for the black one? We have four radios and hardly listen to them, and we could loan you one of ours until your black on shows up."

Be sympathetic, offer to help, and don't argue. What he says is his reality of the moment and you are very unlikely to be able to reason him out of it.

As to why he picks on you and not his son, that is usually a great mystery, but it, too is not uncommon in dementia.

I'm really curious about your mother. If you gain any insights into that, I hope you will share. We learn from each other.

My husband and I have considered waiting on this, until they are able to find the radio or not. Until then, my husband doesn't think that we should be housesitting next week for them. This is the first time that they have accused us of taking the radio. My mother has always taught me about always telling the truth, no matter what. I know she's in denial, not just for the Alzheimer's, but also for any truths that comes her way about my father being a certain way toward her. And, not in a good way, either. In the past, in 1986, coming back from Yosemite, he physically attacked her. He also did attack her a second time in 1990. To this day, he verbally attacks her with his words. He is this way verbally with my significant other.

For reasons of her own, your mother has decided to stick with this abusive man. Maybe he has other sterling qualities. Maybe she has self-image problems. Whatever the case, it has been and is her decision.

Your husband, on the other hand, has no obligation to decide to accept abusive treatment. Nor do you. If it were only the dementia at work here I would urge you to take a compassionate approach and not to take your father's abuse personally. I guess I still would like to see you compassionate and also not to be crushed by his behavior, but I also think you need to protect yourselves. I agree about not house-sitting for them.

"Mom, we've decided we won't be able to watch your house for you. I know that Daddy has dementia and his memory and his judgement aren't always under his control, but we don't want to provide any possibility that the two of you can think we would ever steal from you. It hurts us that you could think that, so we'll just stay out of your house while you are gone."

I agree with jeannegibbs, I wouldn't house sit either. The thing is nobody ever talks about aggression and what to do. They all just say how awful it is. Well it is awful and having been on the receiving end of a knife being thrown at me and kicking me off her property, my mom got very aggressive. Its very hard not to take it personal but try just letting that part go as "unimportant" at the moment. I would not put yourself in a position to be blamed for anything. Maybe have your visits in a neutral place every now and then so there is no room for error. I know it hurts that your mom isn't sticking up for you either but there are surely some issues with self esteem and or self confidence when it comes to her relationship with her husband. Just remember thats her issue not yours and you can't fix it.

It is difficult to adjust to the behavior of someone recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Your mom might be having a hard time the accepting his diagnosis and needs to get support in understanding your dad's behavior. He might be transferring his anger toward your mom to you, the daughter. He might know he is losing his mental function and is extra angry. I'm very sorry that you have to go through this, it is a long journey but you have people here, in the same boat, to support you and your mom.

ShawnMarie, click on the link below which will direct you to some very informative articles about Alzheimer's/Dementia. The more you know about this memory issue the better prepared you and your Mother will be.... sadly, it won't be easier.

https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia

Clearly your relationship with your parents is important to you or you wouldn't subject yourself to the abuse.

However it sounds like whatever you give to them at the same time takes away from your marriage. You are putting your husband in the position of second-class citizen.

Perhaps it's time to respectfully disengage from your parents. Blessings and best wishes to you in this struggle.

Remember because of the short-time memory loss, people with the condition wouldn't remember they misplaced the object and it will certainly could be found in the most unexpected place. Play along but the most valuable advise I could give you is to go to the scie.org.uk training sessions and dive into the free courses (20min), with full explanation about behaviour and what's happening in their brains... people living with the condition follow their own 'irational' logic, so the more you are prepared the more you understand what's coming.

When I first came to this site, I was in a real pickle with my mom over what behaviors were from dementia and what was from her existing mental illness. As if there's any way to correct for either, because there isn't.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter other than make it harder to tell when they are declining. Their normal baseline is not "normal" to start with, so it's really easy to miss signs and signals of change. And don't drag around guilt over it.

Dementia will make his regular personality more pronounced and extreme. My mom could no longer control her paranoia and distrust at all. Usually she felt that way but could keep a lid on it around other people.

It's time to start planning what will happen when it's not safe for mom to be with him anymore. There will come a point where dad might need medication and more help than mom can safely provide. Combative dementia patients can be very strong and very aggressive, and it doesn't matter if you are the wife or family they've known forever.

My wife is always hiding things and I'm forever looking and finding the things she hides. There are things I can not find and never will. With you I would as others have said back off on house sitting. I know what your feeling. God Bless and keep your love for them.

I really need to follow this question.

I went to see my parents' today for having me to remember how to dismount off a bike. It's been awhile since I ridden a bike. It's been over 15 years. (went to the Rose Bowl and relearned how to do this). When we got back to the house, I decided to help out to find the radio, too. My father told me to just forget it, because he and mom had recently bought another one(black cd/radio as big as the silver one that was also on the chair.) He then continues to blame my husband for stealing it, calling him a thief, and then blames me for defending him. I told him that he was the possible one who put it somewhere and hid it. He said, No, it's not. I was talking to him in a neutral way and then he starts screaming and yelling at me, pointing his finger in my face and telling me to get out of his house. This made me start to cry. This made my mother upset, so then she yelled and screamed at my father and told him that he should never treat me that way and told him to get out. Then, the conversation changed to mom asking him where he could have put his radio. He said, in my office. I'm still crying. I run downstairs to his office and started looking for it. Once, I found it, he didn't apologize for it. He still claims that Richard took it from the bedside chair and hid it in his office closet. My father continued to say that he doesn't want Richard in his house or when Richard comes this Sunday to celebrate Richard's and my brother's birthday and Father's Day, that Richard cannot use the toilet, in the bathroom downstairs, either. I know my father did also say that he didn't want us to house sit next week either. He's definitely not being rational at all. Richard did not see the radio on the bedside chair. How could Richard hide a radio in an office closet when the door to this office was locked from the outside and with no keys around? Richard is not Rubberman.

ShawnMarie69, you really and truly have to believe that Dad's irrational behavior is VERY common with dementia. There is no point in trying to reason him out of it or in crying over it. He has dementia. He also had anger problems before the dementia and that makes everything worse.

You said it. "He's definitely not being rational at all." People with dementia lose the ability to be rational. If you start reading these posts you will see example after example of irrational behavior. I don't think you are in denial about the dementia but I don't think you understand what dementia is or what it means. It is NOT simply about forgetfulness. It effects all aspects of life.

Getting into a shouting match with someone who does not have the ability to reason is just pointless.

(Please do not take this as criticism. I remember how I was in the beginning of my husband's dementia. None of us is born knowing what to do, and the learning curve can be awfully steep.)

I suggest that if your husband does not wish to go to your parents' home under the circumstances that you support him and celebrate his birthday privately.

If he is willing to downplay the accusations and attend, I suggest you keep the visit short and not get drawn into any controversial topics.

And start reading up on dementia. It will help you take these irrational behaviors less personally. This is Not Your Fault, and it is Not Your Husband's Fault. But it is not within your father's control, either.

I do appreciate your response to mine. I do want to let you know that my husband's birthday was on the 17th, already and my brother's is the 19th. We as a family usually celebrate everything for May(my Mom's birthday, niece's birthday, Mother's Day and my father's birthday) and now the birthday's and Father's Day in June. I know I was the one who cried, while my father was the one screaming and yelling and pointing his finger in my face and telling me to get out. When this happened, my mother supposedly did this back to him, because of what he just did to me. Now, to tell you, I have had experienced my Mom's dad having Alzheimer's also, back in the early 1990's. He passed away in July of 1992 from walking outside the front door and hitting his head on a little garden area that had bricks around it. This town was King City. He had to go to the Salinas hospital overnight for testing. They found out through testing that he was in the final stage of Alzheimer's. That evening he passed away in his sleep. I was really close to him and loved him very much. Two years earlier, I had gotten my CNA license from PCC( Pasadena City College). While he was going through the stages of Alzheimer's, I was working in a CAPS program working with Alzheimer's patients. At this time also, my mother was working self-employed as a MFCC working in about 3 school districts. I know about all of the stages and how I am now experiencing the same thing with my own father. So, since I have already cried about this, now I need to detach my feelings from this and deal with this and read up on my books from college that my mom still has in her office(what was my room). Thank you, I do appreciate your comments.

Shawn, the mantra I keep repeating is "his brain is broken". I saw a cat scan of my mom's brain post stroke (she has vascular dementia ). It looks like swiss cheese. There aren't the right number of cards to make a deck. If something isn't there, it was stolen.

The Teepa Snow videos on youtube are a nice crash course. She is a brain researcher and dementia caregiving educator. She goes beyond the surface explanations that are on so many sites already. She gets into the nitty gritty and is very practical.

I can empathize with you. My 92 year old father has dementia and I am an only child. I lost Mom 11 years ago and he insists on living by himself in the house I grew up in (which is still decorated straight out of the 60's). I can't change anything without a ruckus or accusations of 'stuff missing' blaming my husband and my 24-year old son (his only grandson). My son won't even go over there anymore so I have lost what help I got from him. My husband will go over when I ask him to do something but my dad has nothing good to say about him (not to his face, of course). My husband and I have been married for 34 years and I believe that my dad blames him for 'taking me away from him' and only considers 'the family' me and him. I go over 6 days a week for 2-3 hours, take him to lunch (we had to disable his car), do his grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, and yes, changing his soiled jeans, diapers, pads, due to incontinence fighting with him constantly to do so. I do have a lady that he knows and is comfortable with (from a nursing service) helping between 5 to 10 hours a week but he still calls me constantly just to 'know that I am home.' He refuses to go to any assisted living or nursing home and 'will stay in his house until the day he dies.' My husband is a saint but since we have both retired, we would like to enjoy the rest of our lives together too, and many times it is a strain on us if I go off on a rant about dad so I just have to keep quiet and hope for the best. So we all know where you are coming from. Although I don't have any solutions, I say just forget about it, don't take it personally, and don't house-sit anymore. I'm not sure about your mom's behavior except that he may have been in the room and she didn't want to set him off again. We all learn to tread lightly and stay away from the issues that set them off. Good luck and thank God for AgingCare.com. It keeps me sane.