How do you deal with your family when they want to argue with your sister who has been appointed POA for your mother?

My experience is that it's best to NOT argue with that person/persons. And, when deciding what to do, consider whether you want to have a relationship with these people after your parent passes away. Give yourself permission to decide what type of people you want in your life and permission to let them go once your parent passes away. A tactic I've used is to say, "Mom/Dad trusted Him/her to make decisions and we have no legal recourse until we suspect GROSE abuse. She/he will make decisions for the benefit of Mom/Dad not the rest of us. If YOU want to pay for an attorney go ahead but remember, any inheritance left may be eaten up by legal fees due to your actions." Say this over and over; don't say anything else. Don't agree with the complainer, don't ask what they think or for their opinion. Eventually, the complainer will realize you won't play their game and they'll stop ranting and raving.

When I was DoA for my Dad, I avoided a brother at all costs and I have very little to do with him now. He would not be reasonable and only wanted money and belongings; he had no concern for my dads feelings or dads emotional well being. This tactic worked on him, he quit complaining around me when he realized I would not jump on his cause or give him any money. Once mom's gone, I'll never see him again. I am much happier for it; it's a huge relief to realize I can decide NOT to have that type of person in my world.

Good luck to you

My sister is very angry at me for have POA. I acted quickly to have myself appointed b/c mom is very wishy-washy about decisions such as to stay independent or go into assisted living, which is really where she needed to be. I work and have other responsibilities and my sister is stuck at home baby-sitting her grandbabies. Thus, when we get numerous calls from mom wanting us to come see her b/c of panic attacks, pain, etc. it can't always be done and is exhauting! SO---when mom said that she wanted to move into assisted living I quickly drew up a poa from an on-line lawyer, took her to a notary. It needed to be done before she completely became demented.
My sister thinks I did this behind her back so that I could have control over mom and keep money for myself! My name has been on all of mom's accounts for quite a while so that I can help her pay her bills. I monitor her bank account have found instances where my brother and sister have taken advantage of mom and has checks made out to them! I have never asked for or received any money from mom.
My sister must think that having POA is a title of glory and has no idea of the number of hours I put into managing mom's bills, care at the assisted living facility, balancing and transferring money among her accounts to pay the bills, etc!!! I would willingly turn over the POA to my sister but it would be a disaster since she doesn't own or know anything about computers and can't even manage her own checking account!!
She has called me up, cursing at me, "You're nothing but a fu....bitch!" Also, she has given me minimal help in cleaning out mom's house in preparation of selling it.
When mom is gone, I will have no further contact with her, and possibly my brother, also.
Remember the slogan "You can pick your friends but not your family." How true!!!

singpeace, It is not healthy for you or anyone to endure a person's rage on the phone for an hour nor in person for any amount of time at all. It does not do them any good either because then they see that as a weakness and a boundary that they can break again with their intrusive rage.

Sometimes, when it comes to family matters, the most logically trained military or police person can lose their ability to reason. I've seen it up close and personal.

What's their beef? Do they want someone else to have that responsibility? Or is this just more of the usual family drama.

I have a question:
I am the sis-n-law and love my in-laws. One sis is caregiver and other is in a fit of rage most of the time from past hurts.

Both are intelligent, educated, good-hearted souls. Both are logical-minded.

How can help, or is there any hope that the angry sis would understand this is not about her and she is losing a precious opportunity as the window is closing?

The one who goes into fits of rage over past hurts sounds like she has no emotional impulse control which may well mean it has a diagnosis and can be treated. Rages are often not rational and very intelligent and well educated people sometimes have this anger/rage problem which reason and particularly from a family member will not reach for it becomes much like arguing with an alcoholic except in this case, the person is drunk with anger.

Sing - That's a touchy situation - you don't want to alientate either for your husbands sake if nothing else. If it were me, I'd try to talk with the mad sister and ask her what she wants done differently. Often asking them what they want versus letting them gripe really wakes them up. If they have rattle off a list of things they want, then ask WHY they want it. This ought to bring some things to light. Then when they explain the "why", ask if it's the best thing for your mom-in-law. Again ask WHY to each of those responses. This will help the mad sister and you understand if it's really about Mom's needs or sisters' ego. YOU can't force any change and it might not be dramatic or some quicky. Angry sis might need counseling to work on ALL her issues. This is the situation with my brother - he's just a narcissistic jerk, incapable about thinking of others needs, even his own kids! Sometimes it's just not possible so I let it go. I'm much happier and less stressed - that's all I can control - my reactions..
Good luck

Dear singpeace,

We have the very same problem, one sister is always angry or resentful towards someone in the family. A sister that dosen't seem to be happy with any arrangement or anything the rest of us do for our mother.

It seems, none of us can make her happy; some in the family, have washed their hands of her bitterness and choose not to be around her. I think most of her anger stems from past hurts; she's a very unhappy individual and I beleive can't even find peace with herself.

With many prayers, I try to do what's right and what I feel God wants me to do. I was appointed DPOA by our mother years ago and I feel blessed that she trusted me to act on her behalf. I'm not responsible for my families happiness only mine and I'm learning, when the storm hits and the seas get rough; I pull up anchor and ride the tide and do what's best for me!

God bless you and good luck with what's ahead.

Crowemagnum,

You are right. I hadn't even thought of that; however, I'm sure my husband will never listen to that kind of rant again for more than a few seconds. He won't even speak to her right now; not because he is angry, but he knows where he needs to stay focused and trying to have any discussion with her now would add more heartache to this situation.

It's a real shame. This family lost a brother to suicide two years ago, and a half-brother also took his own life about 4 months ago.

Thanks for the encouragement/admonishment/advice.

singpeace,

I'm glad to help. Sounds like some systemic dysfunction coming from somewhere in that family with two suicides.

Stay focused on what needs to be done and don't get hoovered into her drama which my guess is she's probably capable of creating a tornado and then stepping inside of it but then pretend to be its victim. I hope that I'm wrong, but it is wise for you and your husband to stay focused. Best to you!