my mother has financial POA of my grandfather(her father) i have given up my own life to care for my grandfather. i have moved in with him to care for him in every aspect of his life because he is no longer able to do it for himself . my mother visits him roughly once every other week or so for about 10 min and refuses to spend any time at all with him unless i am present. while she has not and does not want any part of his physical or mental care she wants absolute control of how he is cared for(even tho she has never cared for an elderly or anyone else for that matter.)down to what She thinks he should eat(usually foods she likes) , when he should eat, when he should be using the bathroom,I could go on and on but you get the gist. while alot of things i can just blow off because she is not an active participant in his care but after nearly 2 years of her B.S the stress of dealing with her is starting to take its toll. i take care of my grandfather because if i dont noone else will and getting him into a home is not an option because his daughter likes having the use of his money to much to put him in a home.i guess my question would be has anyone else had to deal with a another family member that wants to treat you like they are your boss when they dont have anything to do with the actual care of someone. I want to just leave and get on with my life but i know if i leave Pops wont have anyone that truly cares about him in his last year or 2 that we have left with him. is it possible to take financial POA away from her so that there is no need to have to deal with her at all. Pops signed F.poa over to her when he was still semi-lucid and only because she told him he was moving in with her but after dragging him halfway across the country she decided that she didn't want to care for him(the day we got home with him)i gave up my job and home to move into a place big enough for me and pops and because his retirement pays the bills i am constantly threatened with being kicked out (even if our arguments have nothing to do with pops)and the VA aid and attendance that is being paid ($1400.oo a month, supposedly to me as his care taker)gets pocketed by his daughter. I know this is rambly and probably doesnt make sense to some but if anyone has gone thru this kind of stuff and has any ideas as to how you dealt with the stress your feedback would be greatly appreciated ...

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Your mom has no incentive to change things as long as you are still there. If, no when you allow yourself to step out as his caregiver what would you hope for him?
Mom obviously wants nothing to do with his hands on care and probably thinks that your room and board is enough compensation. When you leave Grandpa could either stay in place with an outside live in caregiver or move to an appropriate facility (with medicaid if needed), and you could go back to being a loving grandchild who visits as much as possible while getting on with your life.
Helpful Answer (1)

I think this statement addresses the crux of the situation:

" i take care of my grandfather because if i dont noone else will and getting him into a home is not an option because his daughter likes having the use of his money to much to put him in a home."

If you really feel no one else will care for him (and that's not a valid assumption because you're foreclosing paid care in a facility), and accept that your mother wants the money, you're essentially identifying a situation w/o solutions.

To assume that you're the only one who's willing to care for him also creates a mandate for your own involvement, that precludes seeing other options. This would be your choice, not your obligation.

I also don't understand the Aide & Attendance $1400 and whether you're getting it or your mother is. If the latter, what are you using to pay your own bills and to survive?

And forget about trying to get proxy authority under a POA from your mother; that isn't going to solve anything but instead puts the issue of money at a higher and more visible level in this situation.

In my opinion, this is an untenable situation, but you're going to have to do as Evermore suggests - take a stand, make plans for your own life, and force your mother to assume the responsibility for her own father.

If your mother is "pocketing" the $1400 for Aide and Attendance, there might be some issues with the VA's terms and conditions for paying this. "Pocketing" money without providing services seems to me to be a type of fraud.

And if you're doing all this w/o any compensation or support, you need to rethink why...and why you "gave up your own life" - seriously, VERY seriously examine your own motives. Don't fall into a martyr role.

Your grandfather might even be happier in a facility where there isn't the family friction to which he's now subject.
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I don't understand how she can control things when she only shows up for10 minutes . Do what you want. How will she know the difference if she's not there? You don't have to answer the phone when she calls to give advise. You deal with the stress by removing the situation from your life and or setting boundaries as to what you will accept from others in how they treat you.
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I would probably end up telling her is that you are done and she has two weeks to find someone else to take care of your grandfather. Or I might blow a fuse and tell her straight to her face is that her worthless butt can take care of him if she wants to make all of the rules. I am confused with the $1,400 a month, is that supposed to go directly to use since you are taking care of your grandfather or his estate? But seriously, talk to APS or an elder attorney to see what your legal rights are and what exactly you can do.
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