How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?

claw10 we are living in parallel worlds. I can so empathize with you dilemma about what to do with your mother. Mom and I had such an in-depth discussion about her - of all things - not folding our clothes and towels. She gets my husbands and my clothes all mixed up and I have a glass door on our towels storage - so you see the towels when they are put away. I like them a certain way...I just do not want her to do them - I have to go back and take them all out and re- do them. My husband has some specific towels he uses to work out with - we went on a search for them last night - they were in the wrong place. I know it is SOOOOOO small, but I have asked her for two years to not do anything with our laundry - she is not our maid and it is our responsibility anyway. Our daily searches for laundry items does get quite old. So, I understand, if they would just respect the few requests ... of which there are FEW...I sincerely do not believe there would be rifts.
I'm sorry, she is still my mother and as a daughter, we do tend to expect more from our mothers than other people in life or we were not close to begin with. My mother and I have ALWAYS been very close, just like my daughter and I - who by the way tells me when I get on her nerves and we just go on.
Well, if nothing else, we have been brought together for some reason. Keep me posted and I will you. :)

christina28, If people knew how to move beyond their problems they wouldn't be on this site asking for help. My question is, if you have all the answers why are you still on this site? Go start a blog, get a TV show, write a book, we could all then be enlightened by you knowledge.

sbil
You are very welcome!
Gosh the more I read your e-mails the more I feel we have in commin. I also have a brother who has alcohol and drug problems. That I know has tore my mother up for years over him. Neither her or my Dad were ever drinkers. The most I ever saw them drink was at my wedding and that may have been 2-3 glasses of wine.
He is such a peace of work and when I think of the h-ll he has put her through over the years, I get so angry to think of the pain in the family he has caused and he'll just sit back like he is clueless and act like what I have I done? He also smokes like freight train. But you can't say a thing against him to my Mom and I understand the unconditional love a Mother has for her child. I am not tryng to take a thing from her on that issue, but when she wants to bring him into my home, then I do have a problem with that!! We've had many discussions on this. Even on a short stay. He lives in another state, and this is what I have told her! He can come to see her but he must stay at a motel and he can visit with her and take her out dinner and then go back to a motel!
But when he does come, she sets him up right here against my better wishes!! I feel like at that point she is disrespecting me and my home and that creates even more tension between us!!
So that is why, among what I am already dealing with, I am at this point seeking some help for assisted living for her.
I like you know I can't change her at this point in her life. Alls I was asking for in return from her, for all the years I gave back to her in caring for her (18yrs) was to respect me and my wishes. I know she has always been there for me through my younger years and the support she gave when I needed it, and I appreciated her being there for me and I still do to today when I think back on it. But the key thing is and was, I showed her back the repect I felt she deserved as a Mom for being there for me.
And now I feel that is not asking to much from me to her to just respect MY wishes now and stop hovering, stop trying to be so controlling and to stop bringing things onto me that I don't to happen in my life, like my brother staying here, instead of in a motel.
So that is why I am at this point.

Thank you claw10. It is SOOOO nice to have others who empathize and sincerely care about helping.

sskape2..yes, I too am trying to not be snide with her since I know I cannot change her, I have to change what I do in response to her. We do sit down and talk, don't get me wrong. When my brother lost his leg...she kept blaming herself for his alcoholism and smoking. I told her that our children make their choices and all we can do as parents is love them through it...as she and dad always did with his drinking and smoking. We were both adopted at birth and we always knew he was prone to drinking and smoking and they did everything they could to dissuade him. She finally felt that her and dad did indeed do all they could and love him in-spite of his decisions.
It is just really nice when she goes and does her things and I can go and do mine. It's just getting her back into the groove of going and doing when she returns from my brothers house.
Yes, there are many sacrifices and I would not have it any other way. She always sacrificed so much for me. She did say the other day that now she knew how her mother felt after she moved in with mom and dad. :)

Nothing sarcastic about it. But I understand your point; my opinions have had this effect on others who don't know how to move beyond their problems.

Christina
Your e-mail to sbil was nothing but a sarcastic lecture, that I was even taken back by it when I read it!!!
Apparently you have never been a caretaker of an elderly parent and if so well then alls I can say is I am glad it wasn't me you were taking care of with that uncompationate razor sharp attitude. People don't come here for that! We come here to support on another, not tear down one another!!!
So on that note Ms Insensative I think you should do one of two things, either get off this site or appologize to sbil for this horable act of such unkindness.

Who's lecturing? I answered your question honestly. If it struck a nerve, maybe it's the truth. You just want to whine and complain: a bad habit. Finding a resolution involves taking a stand, then taking action. Sorry you don't like my idea.

Hmmmmm....I find it interesting that you so need to lecture me. My statement was based on the fact that there are only a couple of suggestions given, of which I have indeed greatly appreciated, internalized and tried. Indeed, I know that my ability to understand is limited considering I am only working on PhD. I was merely encouraging people to continue venting their frustrations, like I have been able to since this is normally a supportive and empatheic environment.

I will not validate your analyzation of me with any further discussion due to your lack of knowledge of my personal circumstances or family dynamics. I know that I am relationship challenged and should truly listen to you considering I have been married a total of one time for 30 years to the same man (who totally supports my mother living with us) and my children and grandchildren live so close and come to visit so often. As for my happienss, I have not been any happier in my life than I am at this very moment.

sbil,
You say the feedback here is not helping you. What do you want to hear? To me, that comment means you already have an idea of what you want to do and are looking for someone here to confirm it for you. Is that correct?

I understand what you mean when you say that. You want someone to HEAR your frustration, really LISTEN to you, and then give you the RIGHT ANSWER.

"Feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing"--yes, they are.
YOU decide to feel guilty or frustrated, just as not taking action to change your situation with your Mother is your doing, as well. You may love her, but you have much resentment of her. It comes through in your words. You are creating more guilt and frustration for YOURSELF in the FUTURE by treating her the way you are. After she is gone, you will remember the snippy comments you made to her, and wonder how she might have felt when you "ignored her knocks on your door".

Do something to make yourself happy and provide her with a better place to live so you can have enjoyable visits a couple of times a week, instead of resenting her and stressing yourself perhaps to some illness in the future.

Does this feedback help you at all? Most people who reply are thinking of their own situation, and that triggers their own frustration, which leads to them to NOT giving you the feedback YOU want. I have already done it, so I have no further frustration and am happy with my decision. I hope you will do the same.

My Mom was similar too, when we started living together. It was quite an adjustment for both of us! She wanted to do EVERYTHING with me, like best buddies. I, as her daughter, wanted to do my own thing and be free to come and go as I pleased, but be there to help her when needed . Well, it's been several years now and I'm still here. Like a captain who will go down with the ship, rather than jump off. And, I'm proud of myself for staying the course, even though there have been sacrifices.
Looking back, though, I could have been more assertive about going out and doing my own activities, in a kind way. So that's what I'm working on now, carving out some time for myself and making new friends. I want to make friends with others who are doing the caregiving thing like I am, so we'll have that in common.

So, about 18 months later...here I am. She has not changed. I have been able to get her more involved with friends and church, but she still wants me to sit down and spend time with her, trying to guilt me. My brother recently had a ruptured aorta, is still in the hospital, lost a leg and still unable to breathe on his own for very long (was alcoholic and smoker). My other brother is caring for his affairs and keeps mom for about 10 days here and there. I treasure those 10 days!

I have finally given up on worrying about her finances. She overdrafts about $250 every month, pays $50 for mini-storage for her junk she has not seen for two years. Tried to help, then found my brother tried when she was living on her own. He even footed her bills for one month and she was angered and could not live on a budget, it is not worth it. It still drives me nuts when she tries to pay for everything, buying groceries - many times the wrong things so they just sit around or rot; or when we take her with us to eat out and we know she cannot afford it but still tries to pay, I just get tired of the lengthy debate about her not paying every time...I hate inviting her now.

I go out to take my horse to the vet....she asks which horse...we have 9 and the names are nothing she remembers...the one I was taking is named for one of my granddaughters (we have one named for each of our two girls)....OMG....I finally told her it does not matter which one...I'm just taking one to the vet and left. REALLY....did she need to know which one? She has no clue as to which one is which.

She keeps talking about looking for somewhere else to live, I tell her I will go and pack her things and head off to do so...she backs down. She was telling my brother the same thing in Texas, he started telling everyone that she was moving and she kept arguing that she was just thinking about it...he said it got her to stop talking about it. Thus, it is all attention seeking and we just aren't playing along. I know now why my parents argued all the time. My dad was just dealing with her all the time, I also know why they had separate checking accounts as well.

The feedback everyone leaves does not provide an answer, even the answers are not answers for her, but I DO appreciate and I know others do as well, that we are not in this alone and the feelings that cause frustration or guilt are not of our own doing.

Obviously I love her or she would not be living with me, I have just learned to ignore her annoying behaviors and respond when it is a sensible concern or request she is making. How annoying when she knocks on our bedroom door to make sure everyone is home....OMG...that's another story! :)

I can relate to your concerns very well and I am afraid of the future in my relationship with my mom. Although my mom doesn't live with me it often feels like she does as she is very emotionally needy, 80 years old and twice widowed - most recently 2.5 years ago. She hasn't really got over that loss. What compounds the loss of her husband is that he took on responsibility for so much - cooking, shopping, driving, social organizing and generally planning their days and lives. This suited my mom perfectly. I never really felt like she was a willing adult at any time as her belief system has her asking spirit guides for answers to even the most everyday questions. I don't share this belief, but her husband did. While he was alive it was relatively easy to maintain a friendly relationship.... Now that he is gone she is much more needy in many ways...I helped her a lot in the beginning as she didn't know how to write a cheque for the rent, pay a bill, etc. Some larger tasks and heavy duty cleaning I also do. The hard part is the emotional tension as in truth, I love my mom but I have a lot of resentment towards her as well as I feel emotionally trapped to socialize with her at least once a week as well as do a few of her chores...I've never felt like we really understand one another or that I had the mother I wished for, but I have a sense of duty to take care of her as well as I can. This is a big problem as I am an only child in my fifties with a very demanding job (that I love) and lifetime dreams I have only started to fulfill that fill much of my time. I'm in a dilemma as although she believes she is getting better in health, mobility, etc. and wants to live another 15 years, I can see her health and mental capacity is going downhill. She is lonely and thinks my company and things we do together really help her feel better. However, they make me feel drained and miserable. I don't want to turn into a major caretaker as I feel it will ruin my life, but I feel guilty as I think I should. There are so many unresolved conflicts and differences between us from the past I keep to myself as I don't want hurt her, but I can't be what she'd like me to be either. Sorry for this rant - I know it is more of my story than addressing yours. I hope you can manage to find a resolution for your difficulties.

I'm sorry to hear about the death of your husband, but glad to hear you have a new friend in your life. It is your house, it is your life, and she's your ungrateful guest. I would not argue back with her or let her trap me into an argument. She's treating you like a little girl, but you are a grown woman. I would find out if she qualifies for Medicaid and find a nursing home which would take her and take good care of her.

I have the same situation. Very, very identical situation! Only I lost my husband six years to cancer so it is just my Mom and I now.
She also cannot afford to live on her own, is also however in very good health for her age. She can do for herself and does.
She like your Mom hovers over me to much and has for along time and I have come to resent it. It's gone on way to long and it is time now for it to stop!! I have had the care for her since I was 48 and I am now 65. I have gotten past my husbands death and now I would like to know how it would feel to have a life of my own?
She like your Mom watches every move I make who I talk to, and what we talk about. If I don't answer her or tell her geeezzzzzzzz! Mom can I be entiled to some privacy here!! Then she'll rant and rave and carry on about all she has done for me and been through all the thick and thin with me. Then for me to speak back to her in that tone of voice and on and on!! Ya know the putting of guilt back to me.
Now keep in mind I pay all the bills here, I don't ask anything from her financialy, because I know she "is" on a very limited income so her money goes for essentials and things "she" needs. Plus this is my home. She lives with me I don't live with her!
I did finally meet a very nice guy, whom now and then we go out to dinner or a movie together. I consider him to be just a good friend to hang out with, laugh with and share Grandchildren stories with.
But she is resentful as all get out over this and we only get together a couple of times a month, because we both are still working!!
I just say some days WOW!! How much more can I take?? This is just one of many of my stories.
But I do wish you well with your journey as a caretaker also with your Mom!

Needy people = entrapment; so it's no wonder you're feeling like a hostage. It's your house, your rules, and your children; but for some reason she has deluded herself into believing that the Mountain must come to Mohammed. Time for a crash course designed to remind her who's in charge, what's expected of her, and to understand/accept others have lives and responsibilities that she must respect.

She can't afford much, but must pull her own weight around the house. After all, she stopped being your guest after 3 days. Although there's some dementia that has to be taken into consideration, it shouldn't be used as a crutch by her or as an excuse by others to justify her a behavior that's quite common. My mother wasn't diagnosed with dementia, but behaved the same way and wasn't just needy. She was overly dramatic. In retrospect, I questioned my own sanity for allowing something like this to go on for three years. But there comes a point when enough is enough; and when you don't honk your own horn people won't know you're coming.

Good luck my friend.

-- ED

My Mom thinks I have all kinds of money and time (even though I gave up my job) to give to her and Dad and I can't seem to get it through to them. She thinks I should cook for them every night and be the one to buy the groceries!

I first lived with my mom for about five years in a condominium. Mom basically was there for financial reasons, she could not go on paying rent after my father died in the place that they were living. I was dependent on her a lot for transportation and I had a lot of health problems. I was trying to keep working full-time even though I had a lot of health problems. The main problem we had living together was she wanted to have parties all the time, at least once a week, sometimes even twice a week, and a lot of them were on weeknights when I would come home and need to rest. She insisted on the same high standard of living she had when my father was alive, even though we could just barely afford it. Then her health gradually started to get worse, so I was helping her more than she was helping me. Then they moved my job to a crazy location west of town, and the only alternative for me was to move downtown so I could get a direct express bus to my new work location. I knew I would be spending at least an hour each way commuting, so mother decided to move out of state to live with my sister. Mom and my sister did not get along, so she moved into an assisted living apartment and began a romance with a man 10 years older than she was. I finally lost my job due to health problems, and so I moved in with my mother. She had fallen and broken her back, so I was really needed to help take care of her, they would not let her out of the nursing home unless someone was with her 24 hours, even going to assisted living. She insisted on continuing this romance with an older man even though he was going downhill with dementia and Alzheimers. He was both verbally and physically abusive with her. When the assisted living workers saw the physical abuse, they made him go to the nursing home and visits were curtailed there. All of our money went to getting transportation so she could see him every day after he moved to the nursing home. He died in 2008, then we moved to be closer to my sister. I tried taking care of mom alone in apartment for another year, but she started falling down a lot, so she is now in the nursing home. She wants me visiting all the time, even though I live with my disabled sister across town, and I am busy helping my sister with housework and cleaning. I have two people now clammoring for my attention, and an unhappy mother complaining about being in the nursing in a shared room.

i know -wish my mom could go to senior daycare but she cant talk or play games- she has dementia- its so sad - we cant even talk during the day -

Well, true, however, she did have to quit being a full-time housewife in 1970 due to my father's poor health and begin a very successful career in real-estate, but with no retirement from her working years, she has had to struggle since my father's death in '96. Trust me, she's been humbled by my brothers, myself and now her grandchildren. We all had our issues she had to deal with.

My middle brother and myself were adopted at birth, (she wanted a daughter and could have no more children) he became an alcoholic..knew the tendency was there. My daughter became pregnant her Sr. year and was abused by the father of the baby...now doing great, but she endured that. My niece is truly testing her now - poor mother figure, but since they live in Dallas, it is not as bad.

She wants to be needed...hearing other posts...I am really being humbled and appreciating her more and more.

Crowe, you are right on target about some people's involvement with church. Mom's always throwing around that she's a Christian and can quote the bible with the best of 'em. She has little respect for others, ridicules, lies, judges, and treats her family horribly. The world hears her and probably thinks she's a godly woman. She is not. Her mask means nothing to us for we know what she is hiding.

It sounds like church was so everything for her that she never had any interests like sports and horses, etc. Sometimes, but not always overinvolvement or being totally consumed with church to the exclusion of a balanced normal life is actually a mask some people wear for various reasons.

Thanks Alwaysmyduty...oh my there is no problem to get her to listen to me...the problem is her long....prolonged and time consuming response. Bless her heart...she tries so hard to be interested in what my husband and I are interested in...sports and horses...she just doesn't understand any of it and well at 83...and memory lapses, educating her does not help. My father was a pastor and church is everything to her...our faith is very important to us, we just don't want to have the sermons and conversations she just heard replayed to us on a routine basis. I am just not a talkative person...she is. When she has a problem or something of any importance, I am all ears and want to help her...it's just the little stuff I should not sweat but when it is all the time it is difficult to let it go. Feeling selfish. :( I teach and am emotionally spent and having talked all day, not up for much idle chit chat in the evenings. She is really precious, but so desires interaction. She's gotten better. She's gotten more involved around town.

sbilyeu, if you get along with your mom, you are fortunate, but that doesn't mean you can't be upset with moms behavior. It'd make me mad too. Does she listen to you? If so, maybe you could just lay the cards on the table and tell her how you feel. She lives in your home, she needs to live by your rules and fit into the family's way of doing things. With your guidance and encouragement, hopefully she'll adjust. If she won't, I guess you'll have to work around it, but it has to be on your terms or you'll always be frustrated or angry. You took her in and you should be commended.
Secret, I totally agree. Everything wrong with my relationship with mom makes me want all other relationships to be right. I consider it my duty to eradicate that ugliness. The love and joy taught to me by my sweet father is what I want to share. Thanks to the good Lord, I had one good parent.
frustrated2010, know what you mean about the dr. appts. Mom always acted like it was a social event. Never mattered to her that I had to take time off from work, make up my time, etc. She knew better but being selfish, she thought I owed her. I asked her one time if she could come be with me (we lived 200mi apart) when my 14 yr old daughter had emergency surgery, it was touch and go, and her reply was . . . drum roll, please . . . "it's just not convenient for me at this time". She didn't tell my dad or believe me, they'd have been at my house within hours.
This topic has so many different perspectives. It is a blessing for all of us to come here and share.

My heart goes out to anyone who doesn't have "loving" parents. Alwaysmyduty, I can so relate with you, too. Though we weren't blessed, doesn't mean we can't be a blessing to others. I choose to behave differently than the way my parents treated me. My dad now appreciates me; mom, maybe never will. But others do, and I will strive to do as God would have me do, despite my mean mother. I don't want to be like her.

Just made cookies with my nine year old son for some new neighbors who just moved in. We were wonderful friends with the lady before, who brought a plate of cookies to us 10 years ago when we first moved in. She has since gone home to be with the Lord, but left behind a loving legacy, which we plan to continue. Wish my own mother knew something about that. She is missing out on more than one blessing, and she doesn't even know. Still, I can teach my son to be a blessing to others, including my mother, whether they "deserve" it or not. Isn't that what the Good Samaritan would do?

I know about feeling frustrated, alone, and even hurt and angry. But, I choose to be a blessing to others, forgetting about those things. Yes, they use and sometimes abuse us, but I have made a choice to serve, anyway. Call it "random acts of kindness," or whatever you want, I want to live with no regrets. Sadness, but no despair. I want to be an encouragement to others (even those who don't appreciate it), for that's not my motivation. Guess that's the heart of caregiving.

I have a father who is very needy too. he lives alone, and I am his caregiver. He will make Doctor Appointments, just to have me spend more time with him. I feel very frustrated and alone. I try to do all I can for him, but it just never seems enough.

Well...there will be no inheritance...fortunately my mom is not overbearing, just simply draining. Guess I am much more fortunate than I realized.

SecretSister, I couldn't agree more. In mom's eyes anybody was better then me, yet she demanded I care for her and it had better be on her terms. I tried to care for her, honestly I did, but there was hell to pay if I said or did something she didn't like. I didn't throw her to the curb, she threw me out, just like a bag of trash. When the paid caregiver said and did everything to mom's liking, then I was disinherited, disowned, with legal papers to show for it. Since there was no diagnosis of mental incapacity, mom could do whatever she wanted.
SecretSister, some others on this site and I have moms who have gone way beyond wanting to know our comings and goings. They've reached in and tried to take our soul. They thrive on hurting and demeaning us, their own children, and in my case the grandkids too. It's sad and ugly but it does happen.

dixieborn, you have put things in perspective, like I said in my hug, I knew all of what you said...looking at a situation rather than being in it is much easier to discern what is going on. I will be letting her know where I am going...it is just so difficult to get her to get to the point in a conversation...it's more of a personality thing...we're still working on that. :)

That is only one perspective. Sometimes parents push their children away, are mean and hateful, and have unrealistic demands on their offspring. Sometimes they have caused a rift, with unreasonable expectations. You can't just blame the children, be they adult or not. Respect needs to go both ways. Shame on parents who treat their kids this way.