How do you deal with emotional burnout guilt?

From your description it sounds like your mom needs way more care than you can provide from nurses and aides who aren't burned out all the time caring for her. Choosing to put your mom in a nursing home is a good decision. She needs a higher level of care than you can provide and you recognize that. By making that decision you are caring for her and doing what's best for her. She's not safe at home and it isn't realistic that you have to follow her around 24/7. She needs a memory care unit and you are seeing that she gets what she needs. That's what a caregiver does.

I know by my saying don't feel guilty your guilt will go away but I really hope you work on not feeling guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your kids don't need to be around her in the state she's in and it must be almost impossible to care for 3 kids and your mom too.

Please try to stop feeling guilty. You're doing the right thing.

I agree with Eyerishlass.. Tell the hospital you can't take her home..

Instead of a nursing home can you get her into a dementia care facility? They can do wonderful things that someone who isn't trained in dementia care can't do. It will be better for both of you. It's just not humanly possible for someone to take care of a severe Alzheimer's patient at home. You shouldn't feel guilty.

For the sake of your sanity and the SAFETY of your children, your mom needs to be somewhere else. Think of it as protecting your kiddoes. She's no longer the mom you once knew. When you can get over grieving that, you can hopefully accept that she is better off not living with you.

We do feel guilty when we can't meet every need, spoken or unspoken by our loved ones. It's very hard to say "no" and it's very hard to not feel guilt, if you are at heart, a caring person.

It gets better.

I can totally relate to your post. Just brought my mom home from another break from reality that resulted in a 911 call and hospital visit. She's not at all better and the sad part is she is trying so hard to "be good" so we don't send her away again...it breaks your heart. Doctor is looking for a "more permanent solution" meaning nursing home that will take her which I know won't even be close by. So sad for you and all of us in this impossible situation!

NCMary listen hun good caregiving is about knowing when enough is enough and you are there. There is no need to feel guilt simply because very few are actually trained to deal with this level of dementia. I think most of us wing it until we see that we are actually not doing Mum any good by continuing.....trouble is we should be stopping when we see that WE are not so good either. You are absolutely right to put your Mum into professional care if you no longer feel able to cope and I applaud you for being so honest. In the words of Nike Just do it xxxx

Sorry pressed post too soon. Caring is about ensuring and monitoring that your Mum gets good care it is not for you to give the care but to ensure she gets it

Ncmary, I think that putting her in memory care is best for her, you, and your family. They can keep her out of danger there. Your children will be able to lead normal lives again. You've been a trooper, but it is time to turn her care over to the experts. Something you can do that will be a big help is to spend the time that she is in the hospital finding a good memory care facility and arranging for the finances. If she doesn't have a lot of money, you can start the Medicaid application for her. I hope that it gets easier for you soon. I know what you've been going through is torture. We want them so much to return to how it was, but it won't. All we can do is find them a good facility.

Your children and marriage if applicable are your first priority. Do you really want those sweet kids memories of growing up with that level of drama and stress? No. I would have given anything if I would have done things differently....do not weaken. She needs professional care.

To deal with the emotional burnout guilt, I suggest a few sessions with a trained counselor who can help you move past this hurdle.

Thanks everyone for your kind answes. I could not get through this without you.

nn

You can, of course, go visit her twice a day and all day Sundays. You can still try to relate - bring her presents and treats, take her on outings, maybe on a day trip. You can do all that, as if you can make her all better like in the past. Or: you will feel the crushing weight lift off your chest, feel reborn and hopeful, feel the world is a beautiful place again, and live your life with your children as they grow. Which scenario do you think will happen? One, the other, or a mixture?

There is no guilt here because you have done nothing wrong.
I could and would never do what you're doing for one minute especially with three children at home.
Please do not feel one ounce of guilt. As many have stated your family is your priority now.

How can you feel guilty when you are making the best possible choice for her care? :-)

I guess what I'm saying is try reframing things a little bit and see if you feel better when you look at the problem from a different perspective.

You are not abandoning you mother (something that might make you feel guilty).
Rather, you are making the right care choice for her. (Something that might make you feel proud and capable).

You have done all you can, and now that you can do no more, you are making sure she has the medical and physical care she needs. The emotional care - which you gave her earlier, when she was not so sick - is not so important now as she cannot really benefit from it in the same way anymore.

There is no real guilt, because the truth is you will be doing her a favor!
One that will benefit you and your family all around.
There are professional to deal with this level of aggressiveness.

I just said this earlier today on a different thread. As others have said you are doing the right thing by your family and for your mother in getting her the round the clock professional care that she needs and will do her more good than her risking her own safety (and others) and you chasing her around at home. Also - this is not your fault. You didn't cause this - it's just a crappy hand of cards that life dealt. Why would/should you feel guilty? Now - do you feel badly that this is all playing out the way it is? Of course you do! Learn to know the difference between feeling badly and feeling guilty.

Geropsych followed by skilled care facility, barring a miracle change with medication, sounds like exactly the right decision for all involved. Bless you !

Let me preface my comment that I am dealing with my own struggles and guilt and this forum has been a tremendous help to me in regaining my sanity and strength, the courage to continue to provide support to a family member. With that said, I suggest you reframe your perspective. Please consider the needs of the person you are helping and know what she truly needs and that you are really are incapable of providing her the care she really needs. I think when you relinquish your control over her care and truly get her into the kind of home she needs, you'll see that you're doing the right thing for her, for you, and for your children. You can visit her and still oversee her care within the assisted living (or other facility). Reframing your perspective I believe will help change your guilt feelings.

Time for you to let go and think about yourself and three children you cannot do 24/7 its insane. I know it's hard to walk away but you can do it. In the end, it will be better for her and everyone else!

Your mother needs to be in a nursing home or a memory care unit, not in your home with your husband, yourself and kids. None of you need to be beaten up period. Your obligation is to yourself first then your family. Honoring your mother is keeping her clean, safe and fed, it doesn't mean you need to do it yourself. Having her in memory care is the best thing for her.

I'm so tired and I need to find respite for my mom asap. Everything is so long and drawn out. My health is suffering.

hi, i think that was is happening to your mom is so sad, and i feel for you also, very much. i think that she needs way more care then you are qualified to give, and it must be hard for you to juggle, a family, a home a husband, and mom and any other issues that come up. you are like me, living for your mom, and its slowly burning us out. i have been told, by doctors and nurses, and i hope this helps you, that, if we continue at this pace,we could die before them. if we dont look after ourselves, we wont be healthy enough to look after them. it is a gradual process day by day, to try to do things for just you. i have had to learn to take some time for myself and i didnt want to do it, but i did, and believe it or not, it does relax me. i think alzheimers is much like a brain cancer,eating away at the brain, and watching someone die a very slow death. it is horrible. i truly feel for you.

I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles, sorry for your mom, and sorry for your family. However, no one here is going to tell you to keep trying to take care of her at this stage. You will destroy yourself and your family, and she will live on for years! When they reach the stage of falling down, defacating on the floor and furniture, and don't even recognize their own homes - much less acting out violently - they need some good medication and they need to be put into a nursing home where they can get the care they need. I did this with my mother, and it is like I have been re-born. I have this brief window, late in life, to enjoy myself and my family before we get cancer, heart attacks, etc. Mom is fine where she is, and even if she was capable of complaining (she can't even answer questions) that's the way it is. A race to see who dies first - me or her!

Oh my. You have had a terrible time and it's no wonder you can't have her back. Let the psych hospital know asap that she can no longer live with you b/c she is a danger to herself and to others. I'm not sure where you live, but where I live they will try to place her in a nursing home. Blessings to you.

In a situation like you've described you can't let yourself be wracked with guilt, you have no choice. You can't be there 24/7/365 and with someone in your mom's condition a mishap or incident is inevitable.

Hey - any updates? Did they find her a good place or help your situation somehow?
Thinking about you...

I think that mom definitly.belongs in a dementia facility. Don' t feel remose in doing this. For your memtal health and your family, this is a no brainer. She could set your house on fire, harm your children, wo knows whatelse. There are people who work with dementia and know how to help and treat them. I wish you wll. Take care and God bless.

No need to feel guilt, it is obvious you did everything you could. It comes to a point where we have to acknowledge that we are not professional caregivers and it is time to bring our love ones to the right place to get the best care for them. That is what you are doing.