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My two sisters and I recently had to put our mother in a nursing home after her blood sugar dipped to 35 one morning. Mom has been battling diabetes for 3 years and recently started insulin shots which we daughters have been taking turns giving her. After this happened with low blood sugar, she was rushed to the hospital and then we decided that we cannot give her the care at home she needed anymore. Mom would refuse to check her own blood sugar and was in denile that she had diabetes. Since checking her into the nursing home, she has become beligerant to us when we come to visit. She will start out crying and sobbing begging for us to take her home and then lately has gotten mad when we show up to visit her which is every day we are taking turns.My two sisters and I are to the point where we cannot take much more of mom's abuse and sobbing every time we visit her. What should we do? How do we handle this without getting upset at mom? We know she is just frustrated and confused because she has to stay in this place and not her comfortable house but how can we help her without going crazy ourselves?

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I can relate to this completely. My mom has osteoporosis and multiple myeloma. She was living in her house alone and my brother and his wife were bringing her food but didn't check on her daily. She deteriorated. I live 200 miles away and went down to bring her home with me for a while which has turned into permanently. We have nurses and home health come in but she needs someone here constantly. I can't even pull weeds without checking on her every hour or so. I have a brother and sister who have just washed their hands of it and have left me with this high and dry. I am a single parent of four kids. Mom is angry and abusive and demanding. Get me my water, help me dress, etc. I have to hide her pill box or she medicates herself even while I'm in the bathroom. I have summers off because I work for a school district but don't know what I'm going to do when I have to go back to work in 5 weeks. I know she doesn't mean to be abusive towards me but it has really affected my mental health to the point where I am on antidepressants. I can't imagine putting her in a nursing home although I wonder if I am capable of taking care of her. I have had one CNA class only. I am so angry at my siblings and there are days when I just want my life back. I was paying for everything for her, taking her to appointments (2, 3 times a week) buying groceries, etc.) I was going broke. I finally asked her to contribute a small amount toward bills and she got really angry at me. I am house bound with her and I haven't spent any time with my kids or my horse. I am a wreck but I know in the end I will be happy I did this.
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yes he is coming home tuesday after the first meeting and . in a way im not lookin frwd to it but then again i am .
he has gotten a lit bit worst shape , his mind is slipping , but of course leavin him there would causes that ..
cries everyday wanna come home , poor guy !!! am trying to stock up all the wood i can get , that is for our woodstove . winter is coming gotta keep dad warm ....
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Take him home. Care for him (with help) by yourself.
CNA's are low-paid employees who would rather not work.
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i just came back home from visiting dad in rehab . i was so upset i couldnt see straight ! after dinner somebody wheeled my father to his room and closed the door behind him , i opened the door thinkin cna is changin him , nope he was almost out of his wheelchair trying to get in bed , he has a bad back and cant sit in wheelchair too long . tv was not on and the nurse call button was hangin up on the curtain .
i ask to see the lady that wheeled him in his room , all denied doing it , so somebody is liein to me . one girl said uh that person left . yeah right whatever ..
i was begin nice and ask notto close that door anymore . well i am going to yank him outta there after tues the meeting cuz i do need to talk to the dr and see whats going on and will tell them im takin dad out and explain why . i told my the nurse my dad wore the same outfit since lastnight and his teeth is so nasty dirty his hair smells bad . he is not in a good hands there as i thought it be a good place . oops wrong !!!
it is no wonder they all cry wanna go home !
like i said before one on one is better than 10 on one .
he wentthere cuz of his uruin tract infection and almost died so go to rehab to build his strength back and they did , phyiscal therpary did wonderful job , its the cna care it sucks !! i say get your mom out ofthat place and get her back home , where they call it home sweet home !
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Unless people out there understand what you are going through, as they say, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
I however do understand what you are saying.

My Mother is very beligerant, mean and cruel. She does not have a nice thing to say about anyone and I mean anyone. She uses the ambulance service as her own personal taxi service to the hospital when she is wanting attention, which is quite often. She was told not too long ago that if she didn't smarten up, I was going to put her in a home. Since then, she has gotten better, and she still phones me 4-5 times a day just to gripe and complain. I have over the last year tried to distance myself from her when she attempted to break up my marriage with her lies.

My best advise to you and your sisters is to leave her alone for 30 days. It is common practice for families to stay away while the senior gets accustomed to the new environment. Your Mother is doing this to you because she can and because she knows it gets to you.

If she continues this behavior, simply tell her to have a nice day and leave. When she finally starts to understand that she can not get to you, she will change.....for the better I hope.
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Each relationship and circumstance is different. Battered seems to know what she wants to do and how to handle her moms care - kudos to her.
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Old adage, one mother can take care of 11 kids, but 11 kids can't take care of one mother.
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Mom needs some more time in the facility. Your note doesn't say how long she has been in there. Guilt will consume you and make you unable to function. If this was a decision that you had to make in order for your mother to receive the best care...then kudos to you. I don't know of many parents who say to their adult children..."Thank you for putting me here. This is where I hoped I would be." That is just not going to happen.

So...take care of yourselves and visit Mom when you can. Don't go everyday...maybe once a week. Bottom line is that you must believe in your heart that this was the best decision for her.
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I don't know if some of you understand this or not. It was either mom go to the nursing home, or we let her go back to her own house to die because she would not take her pills as she was suppose to or check her blood sugar herself. The insulin she had started taking was not working so she needed round the clock care so that nurses could adjust her insulin according to her blood sugar check. As I look back now, it was the best solution for mom. She has calmed down now and is getting physical therapy to help her strength. She gets tired very easily and needs to walk with a walker. She is now using her walker regularly. When we first bought her a walker back in July she would not even look at it but she walks like a drunk sailor without it. We plan on taking mom out of the home on outings as soon as she has adjusted to her new home. Mom does has memory lapses every once in a while but she is doing much better than when I first wrote a few days ago.
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When we had to put my grandmother in a nursing home in the 1970's she also would cry and yell at her children (my father and his brothers and sister) saying that she is never out of her room,etc. But one of the nurses suggested that we come in during off visiting hours. My grandmother was in the Rec room participating in activities (including doing the hula) and another time bowling from her wheelchair. Maybe you can ask the staff when she goes for therapy or activities and come in then to "secretly" watch.
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Luckily, my mom has not gone the angry route over the dementia territory, but she was that way when we were kids. Anyway, I wouldn't tolerate this behavior either. Perhaps take a clue from Supernanny, and when she starts in on this behavior, you turn your back on her till it is obvious to her that you aren't giving her attention, then if she continues, you tell her it isn't acceptable behavior to treat her daughters like this. If she continues. Turn your back and walk away. Perhaps come back in a few minutes and try it again. Repeat. Go away for the day telling her that her outbursts are not acceptable and you'll visit when she's civil. Come back the next day, etc. Leave her with a little gift for the nurses station to deliver if she shows signs of settling in. If she suffers from dementia, then this may not work, cause she won't connect her behavior to the punishment.

The "horse whisperer" Monty Roberts has a great book on how to use his techniques to get along with people, "Horse Sense for People." There is a book/website called http://www.elderrage.com with great stories and advice from someone who's been through it. The Love and Logic childhood educators often have tips I've found useful in working with Mom.

The only time I used the turn my back and walk away technique with mom was actually a little risky. A recent fall left her nauseous, and when she had these sessions, she wanted to die and wouldn't take Maalox or simethecon, which would stop the attacks in a few minutes. I should just let her die. "Ok," I said, "I'll let you die, if that's what you want. I'll come back and check on you in half an hour to see if you've changed your mind. I have something that can help. It's indigestion, not death." I came back in one minute and asked her if she wanted to take something that would make her feel better quickly, and she agreed.
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This is a very difficult situation, I understand how you are feeling. You can look into the alternative of live-in care. Qualified medical professionals will come to your mother's house for however many hours she needs care.

This would be a great middle solution between your mother and you and your sister. Your mother would be well taken care of, in the comfort and safety of her own home.

I truly hope this works out for you, no matter what you decide.

Best,
Jackie
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I have a very difficult mother as well. I have not "checked" her into a nursing home, but am sorely tempted.. I think that others that are commenting maybe don't understand the degree of frustration that comes from having a difficult mom. When you say, you cannot take it anymore, I understand. I also understand why you don't stay away. It makes you feel guilty if you stay away. My mom lives in a retirement community, she has her own apt., meals are served, activities abound, but she still accuses me of "putting" her there. When she had her own place, I did all the shopping, all the cleaning and all the cooking, doctors appts., medication, etc., while still trying to raise and take care of my own children. It was impossible, and I was "fed up" and I "couldn't take it anymore".. Your feelings of being overwhelmed are completely understandable. I have no advice to give you, cuz if I did, I wouldn't feel the exact same way as you. All I can say is that you should feel very lucky that you have two sisters to share this responsiblity with. I am an only child! And, I have now limited my visits to once a week. She is "abusive" to me and my family. We never do enough or say anything right. I need to see her and do things for her, but once a week is all either she or I can handle. I've also finally told her that if she can't be pleasant to me I can't stay and I leave when she starts telling me (again) what a "terrible daughter" I am, etc. I still feel guilty, but I feel slightly more empowered by just being able to set limits.
Your mom might be happier to see you if you maybe decided to go every other day, instead of every day. She will still be angry, no doubt, but at least she wouldn't be angry EVERY day.
I'm sure none of this will help you. But, I feel for you and all others in our situations!
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Is the house still there? Perhaps move her back in with a daily "well check" by a visiting nurse is the solution, and a caregiver for hours of the day as needed. There are diabetic alert dogs who can smell an attack. If her condition deteriorates steadily, then there will be a time when even she will know it's time. May not like it, but might more accept it.

If she is in the home for good, then don't just come visit like it's a prison. That's what my sister does, show up with a mylar balloon and say "Just came by to see how you're doing?" and if things aren't doing well, she freezes and says well, here's a balloon. What no teddy bear?

You Mom's been imprisoned against her will...how would you like it? Apparently she's has enough sense of self and sense of freedom to NOT appreciate that this is for her own good.

If she is in there "for good," then see if she can be taken out for long outings to your houses, church, to the beach, to a movie, restaurants, concert. "Come on Mom, let's get you out of here for the afternoon. Should we go to the lake?" Then when you arrive, you are there to liberate her instead of just check on her. You could also hire caregivers to do these things if you can't make it. If you can't take her out then bring civilization to her. My Mom would be in heaven if someone watched the more recent Andre Rieu videos with her. Over and over and over. The one in NYC is a hoot. The DVD "The Promise of Music" is edge of your seat inspiring documentary and concert about Gustavo Dudamel and Venezuela's world class youth orchestra. That's my mom's "life vein," watching great music videos.
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Ummm. This is not a nice siutation. I'm picking up on your words..."Checking" her into the Nursing home...." and " "we cannot give her the care at home she needed anymore" , and .......Mom's "abuse" and sobbing every time we visit her...
First, the decision to put her in a nursing home is not an easy one. Did your mother fully meet the requirements of Activities of Daily Life?....Eating, bathing, Bathroom, Sleeping? Was she totally unable to do these things? I get the feeling that this decision was one of "I've had it with her ", or " I can't take it anymore". If this was the case, then be honest, and come clean with yourselves. No wonder your mother is angry. I'd be angry too, and long for my own home. My advice is to let her be. Don't visit so often if it upsets you and her. You put her there, now live with that decision. Rather than " go crazy ourselves"......why don't you just stay away?
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