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Hi. Okay so last time I asked about assisted living discussions. That didn't go well at all. Mom doesn't think she's ready. (I am). Okay so now I'm looking at in home help for her as I work all day long and my husband who's home with her is not able to care for her due to handicaps. My daughter has been watching mom but she's having a baby any day now.
So, I brought up having someone come in 2x a week to help her with anything she needs. First she said yes that's fine. Now she says she cannot afford that. (she can but has all money in savings for whatever she might need years from now) she's 86! Will not spend the money for home health and so, we are back where we started. Her mind is going quickly lately. She crys anytime I bring up help or assisted living saying that I am the only one she has! I know that but it's killing me. I have a brother who ignores mom and lives 1/2 the country away. Mom tells me to go out with my husband but when I do, she lays the guilt trip on me later and says she would have liked to go also. I'm lost. I'm depressed, lost, at wits end and feeling oh so guilty even thinking about a nursing home or assisted living. HELP. I adore mom but she's making me crazy and destroying the family without even knowing it.

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Bhenson You are doing it right you have POA and are on her bank accounts now the next step is to interduce in home care slowly-she has the money and she might as well spend it now-why should the the no good son who can not be bothered to visit or help get it when she passes and if she has to go into a nursing home they will take her assests anyway. You might have to do tough love and say in home help or you will start looking for nursing homes she will have a bee in her bonnet about that for a while and maybe have her call the son and tell him this if he is afraid the money is going to the nursing home he may be inclined to help. I learned to either talk back to the husband or to go into another part of the house when he was treating me badly-telling myself I did not deserve to be treated that way, I wanted him to go to day care he said no then when he needed to be placed he said no again but by that time I was tougher and said it is not your decision to be made. Good luck.
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I have been crippled and paralyzed from guilt trips all of my 42 years. My parents have the perfect 3 kids that never say no to them and have no bad habits. We just got back getting along with them after ten years of extreme stress, well, today my mother told me that I should be embarassed to be seen with the older woman that I have been seing for the last 20 YEARS and that it hurts them and that's my Christmas story.
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Today, start making a list of nice ALFs in the area, then go visit them and narrow down your choice. Continue the discussion of the ALF idea with your Mom. It is the decent thing to do...do not just spring it on her when you find the one you like. She has to be a part of the decision making process, even though she is dragging her feet now. You are also reinforcing that this is a "done deal" and non-negotiable. When she is receptive, tell her that you are ONE person and what she needs is four or five to help with her care. Remind her of your other responsibilities too.
The fact that you are on anti-depressants to handle this situation is alarming. What would you tell a friend who came to you with the same scenario?
Please do not buy into the "you're abandoning me" line. You are doing what is best for all.
Do one thing today toward changing your home environment. I guarantee you that, if you don't, you will lose both your health and all these years with your hub and family.
good luck
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Everyone hits the wall at different times. You are there right now. Everything in your being is telling you that another arrangement is called for.
First: you house your rules. Even the "best mom in the world" would not let you get away with bad behavior because you would become spoiled. How is this any different? If you walk on eggs around her and melt into a puddle of tears everytime she has a tantrum, she has you right where she wants you.
Second: Taking care of your parents and doing the very best thing for them does not necesssarily mean that they have to be under your roof. In fact, it can be toxic. The one thing that my Mom was missing was more social contact. She was not getting that at home.
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The guilt is still there. She's extremely good at it. I cannot go out with my husband anymore without hearing about it. She says "go, have a good time, you don't have to ask me" and then when I come home, she starts. I have, convinced her that we need to have someone come in 2x a week to help her with things. (I'm starting small). It's only for 3 hours a day to start but it's a start.

I've gotten the power of attorney (have had that for 10 years now) and I'm also on all her bank accounts. I've done al the right things. It's just that she's not senile enough for me to take the lead and yet enough that she is kindof like bipolar. I never know which mom I'm coming home to which is sad because she's always been everything to me. Best mom in the world! I think the guilt comes in because I feel it's now my turn to take care of her and I'm not doing so well at it. Also, my brother is basically ignoring the situation and has said he will NOT help me. I'm all she has.
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How are you doing, Bhenson? Have you taken any steps to bring in some help?

Your mom (or anyone else) can buy the tickets for a guilt trip, but you don't have to pack your bags and go! I think guilt can serve a very useful purpose, and help deter bad behavior or prompt reform. I'd like to hand out a little more guilt in this world, perhaps starting with politicians and policy makers and scam artists and tax cheats who make the rest of us carry their share. But guilt belongs to those who intend harm or act without regard to the harm they cause others. Unless you are holding back some material facts, I don't see that you deserve guilt. You haven't earned it. It is not nice to grab what you haven't earned and don't deserve. :) Give up the guilt, please!

Now, guilt free, what actions are you taking regarding this? Do you have POA? Are you on your mom's checking account? If not, have you started that process?

If Mom resists have you contacted social services? Mom needs help. Mom has money for help. This is a very enviable situation compared to many, where there is no money. But you need help to get her to spend that money. What steps are you taking toward that goal?

Lose the guilt. Take some action. You'll feel much better.

And let us know how you are doing.
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Good girl, I have gotten to hate that word! I feel like being bad sometimes, too, but never have the strength. Any time I find for myself, guess what I do . . .yep, I sleep, then I get up for a few minutes to lay down and sleep some more. The scary part of it is that there is probably nothing I would rather do when it feels so damned good. Honey, I care for my mom who probably holds some kind of trophy for imposing guilt ever since I can remember. Don't think they don't realize what they are doing, but my mom has gotten so so so self-centered since her stroke that I am shocked at some of the rotten things she says and does to me. When I think about it, though, I don't know why I would expect any different, I guess because I thought for a long time that she probably really appreciates me giving up my life to care for her. She manipulated that one, too, don't think she didn't. Please don't drive yourself crazy like I have done over this 20+ year period of caregiving. It can get very lonely if you drive people away just because you're so miserable. Stay in touch with friends and get out and have some fun, whatever you enjoy doing. It is not worth ruining your own health, because that is NOT the noble thing to do, no matter how much some people would like for you to think so. Take care and find a good support group or somebody you can talk to about it, but don't alienate those around you, keep your friends. I hope this helps you or somebody, that is about all I can hope for at this point. Take care of you, honey.
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"Just be a good girl and agree with everything mom says. It's easier..." I am very familiar with that strategy too - I use it a lot these days. Mom has lost any ability to be reasonable or keep anything in perspective, she goes from yelling about moving the blankets or an item on her table a couple of millimeters to not telling the aide ro nurse she has chest pain and needs a nitro and yelling at me for reminding her she needs to do that instead of calling out "oh help me" "oh please" without any other details. It took me a very, very long time to get to the point of even realizing that Mom cannot reason her way through things any more, and goes on wanting things that are impossible, and blaming ME or anyone else handy when she can't get them. Its even harder to begin to feel "right" about taking over decisionmaking for your own parent as if they were a three year old who does not know how the world works or why they cannot just have everything the way they want it.

I would say go ahead and line up the home health and get Mom's POA papers in order so you can manage the money for it. This IS what she was saving for and it IS irrational to say no to it while it is wearing you out - but Mom is not liekly to be abel to come to grips with that. Maybe say you need to try it "just for a week" while you take care of something and you're just worried because you won't be able to be home with her as much as you'd like...then just keep going with it. Once she is not scared to death of the very idea and has SEEN and experienced that it does not mean abandonment ,she will most likely be OK with having help come in regularly.
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Thanks so much. I'm already on long term antidepressants. Now I also have this to contend with. Yes mom was good at the guilt thing all her life but she was never so contrary as she is now. I can't believe that I feel that going to work is more relaxing than being home. I hate being home! No matter what I say it's miscontrued completely. I'm afraid to say anything anymore. Just be a good girl and agree with everything mom says. It's easier
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You are not alone B, and it just sounds like you are too tired to have anything to keep you sane enough to know this is just manipulation.. Has she always done this, or just since you are caring for her?? If she has always done it, it is not going to change... just keep on doing what you need to do to take care of yourself....And we have all experienced that of what we SAID was not what was HEARD... sounds like you may need to reassure her and yet let her know you need help. I'll be thinking of you today, need to get going and not be late for work.. hugs to you...
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Mom just told me she was up all night thinking about me wanting to "put her in a nursing home". I NEVER said that. I just want to bring in help or get her into assisted living. I'm in tears right now. I feel so very alone
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I told my mom her money was for HER, to be used to help herself live a better life. If something happened to me, she would have to go somewhere else, and I needed help to take care of her. On my day off I go shopping to places she has difficulty getting to, and yes, I get the "I would like to go there, too" guilt trip, but I harden myself against it. I know she would never make it. Because things are more pleasant after I have been away for a few hours, she no longer complains.
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Not knowing all the circumstances with your mom, I do know that for the elders, it is usually fear that is making them say and do some of the things they do. I feel that they feel a NH is the end of the line, whether that is true or not..And I have said this before, they also have heard the horror stories about NH's so no telling what is going on in her mind...
And as far as guilt, I just look at it like it is just another feeling. It will only have as much power as I give it. I used to tell my dad, he couldn't make me feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!!! I read so much on these threads about guilt, maybe admin should dedicate something to that... I guess for me, I live my life with the idea of having no regrets, and if I am doing the best I can, allowing myself to be human first, then a caregiver, then somewhere I am entitled to a life..
I hope this comes out as it is intended, not meaning to step on any toes, but it is my own experience...When I started spending more time trying to figure out where the guilt was coming from, and how I gave my personal power away , and learned to communicate better about those feelings, things started to get much better. I realize no one can MAKE me feel anything, I just volunteer to feel that way.. I don't know if that made any sense or not. Hard to put life experiences into cyber space sometimes... I hope you find something that works for you and realizing that our elders will grasp at different things to not feel so powerless over their own lives... the answer to your question lies within you, hope you find some peace... hugs
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