How do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings?

For all who are caring for someone you LOVE, remember, when the end comes, you will have no guilt to cry over, just sweet memories you made during the time of need. I always before commenting or actually judging (we all judge at some time), try and think about placing yourself in that person's position and see how you would feel. My mom's hurt and pain is something I am having problems dealing with and am always trying to fix for her; however, now I know that I cannot undo what others have done, I can only try and continue to do better. Tired isn't the word, but at the end of each day, I lay my head down, pray and can go to sleep.

I understand your situation. Mine is a bit different, it is a grandparent. However, there are six other grandchildren who do not help at all. Every time I have reached out looking for help meaning someone to stay with him so we can leave the house for a bit or just try to enjoy life no one has time always busy. It does become frustrating they are all living their lives and mine is on the back burner. I have come to realize there is nothing you can do, if they don’t want to help they will always have an excuse. It is like they feel relief that someone else is handling the problem for them. Hang in there I know it is hard but at the end I hope you can feel a bit of satisfaction that you were there to help your mom.

Hi Peeps,
Please post how you are getting done without the help of siblings (I'm not promoting not allowing siblings to help. Just responding to how tough it is to get them to help and what to do when they don't help)! Tell us how people and community resources came and helped when you least thought they would be the ones to help. Also tell us how you got an un-involved sibling to get involved in helping (money, dog treats, whatever worked, LOL as I have no shame!). I can't wait for the awesome stories!!!!

Rock on Hengsway! You found a way to keep getting it done! Whooo! Who! Keep moving forward! Take care of yourself and your mom. You Rock!

To think that I thought I was alone. So many issues others have, I go through daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. I feel for each and every one of you who love your parent so much you give as you do. I too am in this situation. I found someone to live in my house to assist my mother while I am out of country, and still they insist on wreaking havoc in my house with my mother. I too am trying to leave them totally out of my life, I am moving forward without any guilt and trying to help my mom.

Tired 1 of 4….. Take a breath. Take care of yourself. Go to counseling. Release your anger properly. Your anger is well noted and understandable. I highly advise you to take care of yourself first so you can continue to take care of your loved one. I think other commentators are trying to say work through the anger you have with your siblings by keeping the focus on your good health and continued ability to care for your loved one. A good counselor can show you how to deal with siblings that say and do dumb stuff. When my mother was hospitalized my sister came to visit her and acted horrible to me. I had to call security on her. Your siblings are a FEW people who have declined to help you care for your loved one. Spend the energy finding all the people that WILL help you. I promise you over time the number of people that will help you are 10X more than those that won’t. But you gotta find them. Seek and Ask! How about putting it this way: Hang TIGHT with relationships that are helping you reach your goals in caring for your loved ones. Hang LOSE with those that don’t. You’ve been chosen! You are the CHOSEN ONE! Give the best dog gone care you can give every day to yourself and your loved one. Change your screen name to Mighty Mouse(or something that shows courage and power)! You’re going to do this with or without their help! Praise Jesus!

In trying to stay on the topic: How to deal with your deadbeat siblings…
I’d like to change the topic to: Dealing with un-involved siblings.
Let's try and get a larger picture of who you are and what you are trying to accomplish. Here are a few facts:
-Family member elder care is most often done by the female children. (The girls take their parents in much quicker than the boys)
-Elder care is HARD! (Physically, emotionally, financially. )
-EVERYONE will need Elder Care. (Your parents need it and at some point so will you)
-Most people DON’T plan for it. (Which makes it harder)
-Our society in the US has not embraced FAMILY ELDER CARE GIVING. (Specifically PREPARING to take your parents into your home and care for them. We are a SELF care society. We fall very short of PREPARING to care for our parents and planning for our own elderly care within our own homes. How much time have you spent talking to your children about when you will need elder care help and how you guys want to help them help you?)
Here are some things to do and think about when YOU are caring for your parent(s):
1. For whatever reason YOU’VE been called to do it and it will get done.
a. If no one else ever lifts a finger to help you, you’ve been called to get it done and it will get done.
b. Seek personal counseling for yourself. The anger of un-involved siblings can add more stress. It can take a few years off your life too. It’s not worth it. Life is not fair. You will hit brick walls! Seek community help groups. Ask and seek. Connect with those that WILL help you. Spend your energy getting the care done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
2. I myself, like the previous commenters don’t understand why the siblings don’t get that it’s hard or that I just need some relief. Why don’t they call and say “I have some vacation time. I’ll stay with mom/dad or you can bring her/him here for a few days.” ?
a. If you’ve asked for their help and they won’t…
b. If you’ve begged for their help and they won’t….They are not going to HELP.
c. You may never know why they won’t or can’t help.
d. Find another way to get it done. You’ll be HAPPY you did.
3. Call on Jesus the ultimate helper! He will help YOU get it done!
a. JESUS WILL BE HAPPY YOU DID IT!
4. Be honest if you can’t do it anymore. Assisted livings and those kinds of facilities have their proper purpose/place in life at the proper time.
5. Life is hard, but God is Good! I hope I helped someone!

Yes, I agree that it is a shame/disappointment, that when there are more than 1 sibling in a family, that only 1 sibling ends up doing the caregiving role.

Your mother must be very hurt by the lack of love that is shown by her other children.

I empathize with you and I can understand your anger and frustration.
As far as I know, unless there is a contract that identifies the other siblings as caretakers of your mom, you would not be able to sue your siblings.

In my case, I am doing the best I can, (as my sibling is not interested in helping our mom). I hire out services when I can. Thank goodness mom has helpful neighbors.

"Kindness of strangers" comes to mind, as in my circle of experiences is that family doesn't.

Im furious

... truth be told "ferrisone" are you caring for a parent? No because you are in your 80's yourself, correct? .fromwhat I've read you are at home with an aging husband... you may be giving him care, just as you have been for what? 40 years and you come on here acting as if you are caring in the same manner as a child or other who cares for a parent ??? No similarities excepting perhaps some "actions, meds etc... the entire "feeling between a married couple caring for each other thru to death is different than a child caring for a parent ... completely different roots and blocks of emotions from that dynamic, from that relationship.so I'm not sure why you speak on these ..

… I would never come on here and tell another person who has experience what I am experiencing right now that they need to learn to let go and that their siblings will learn later in life… I would never do that to anyone becauseNumber one that is a very Cold insult to intelligence, mine… Especially When i am currently and actually living the h*ll that this causes… I am paying for their desertion in all ways.. financially and other... And I have lost much because of it. my mother does not have a will… She does not have an estate… There will be no memorial drama events because of kids wanting money after their parent passes as so many on here are commenting … That is not what the situation is. This situation is a real life present ongoing torture of having the sudden responsibility and when I say sudden I mean over the last 16 months of complete financial and physical care of a dementia read an elderly parent . In which that parent is seen as a nobody buy her own government… There are no free help out there that does not exist so all of you saying that I need to hire and help I am so sick of you saying that because I have already written… That I cannot afford anymore… And I'm talking a loaf of freaking bread . This whole thing is a waste of my time even logging in after a notice is sent to my email that someone responded... I'll tell u what, you guys go live your stuff and continue writing the same crap over and over again withought ever actually " reading… personally i find it all (except for a few genuinely interested and respectful) the rest, is simply insensitive and insulting ..

Total crap

..... and as I have said before and actually I'm getting quite tired of repeating it… I can assure all of you who have actually been full-time caregiver of a mother or father of whom has no income of their own… ( and many commenting have not been … You have been through your anger and hate etc. that has lasted a very long time… But everyone comes on here and act like you are all angels and you have suddenly or always just come to the conclusion that oh well they will learn their lesson … Is total BS.

...and "rualwannabe" what are you even talking about $2000?… And money is not my problem?… What are you even talking about… No really that is so bizarre

I believe there is complete blindness in these comments ... for instance "Ferris one"… If all you can take from everything I've written is to tell me to "let go" as if I have completely lost sight of what my siblings have been saying by their insults and univolvement. As if you believe I am "stupid? .. you somehow thinking I need tobereminded of the obvious??? And you do so in some kind of self proclaimed authoritative condensending type (type" meaning implication and intent shown thru written form.) if you can only learn by reading what another has said by you choosing to "read only what you want to fit your clearly shallow response... then I'm afraid You are no different than the very siblings that are acting as selfishly as they possibly can to prove they are first in their lives ...

Well, I think $2000 is a lot, I'm getting ready to live on that amount for the rest of my life. So money is not your issue, I venture, but your time, and aggravation. In my case, when my Mom died leaving Dad still in the house, but approaching dementia, I was told that I wasn't included in the will because I am not worthy. I know this not to be the case, my parents told me years ago they were leaving everything to my sibling because they expected him to be able to keep up the house as he had been living with them for over a decade. Well, I leave that in the past, though I am mad at my Mom for not naming my other sibling the executor since the one in charge has a lot of debt and probably not very good at handling money. So I help when I can, but mostly what he wants is someone to complain to, and I don't tell me, but I'm thinking, what you are doing is your job so to speak, you get a salary, about 70k a year all told, not including the house you will inherit, so you have a lot of overtime. He has no outside job, but it is a FT job to keep that household going, and I wish he would recognize that. I can't say a thing, his temper is extremely volatile, and it is killing him. If he would just accept this is what he is doing. He has a job as a caregiver, he can hire others to give him respite but won't, he needs to enjoy his life such as it is. His parents left him with a job and money to care for them. It's not like they are destitute and he has to sacrifice his own life to care for them. THAT would be a misfortune. To be left an ill parent with a good bit of money (not quite enough for 24/7 care) and a house to boot, that is not unbearable, IMHO. I would change positions if necessary. I don't tell him that, because he really has no other prospects than as caregiver for our parents. He can't see the good side of the half full glass. And it is pitiable to see my Dad's health slide downwards...... It is up to him to work to not let that sadness engulf him, and he can't see that! So sad....

Jessiebelle said "I don't deal with my siblings at all. Their relationship to their mother is their own. One is far away and the other nearby. Both are into their own lives which don't include their parents. I've read on here that we are responsible because we don't ask for their help. I disagree with that, since they should have enough character to deal with their parents themselves. When my mother dies my tie to the family will be broken. Until then, they can be as involved as they want to be."

I could not agree more wholeheartedly. When my mother passes and my brothers realize that they have not seen her in her last couple of years, and have not had a real phone conversation with her in years, they will mourn publicly and make a big show of missing her but they will have to deal with knowing what they didn't do for her on their own.

I also know, and have said for years, once my mother passes, I will never give another thought to two of my brothers ever again. The only times their names are ever spoken in my house now is when my mother brings them up.

Pretend you're an only child and do what you need to do. Let the remaining siblings deal with their own guilt. You have enough to do. I am an only child and often wish a sibling might help with the tasks or at least give me some respite. Not going to happen, so I do what I have to. Your story gives me some help, though. Even with siblings there is no guarantee of help. My grandmother always said that one mother could take care of 8 children, but 8 children can't take care of one mother. Hang tough and don't try to read the mind of others. Healthier for you. Hugs for what you're going through.

I don't deal with my siblings at all. Their relationship to their mother is their own. One is far away and the other nearby. Both are into their own lives which don't include their parents. I've read on here that we are responsible because we don't ask for their help. I disagree with that, since they should have enough character to deal with their parents themselves. When my mother dies my tie to the family will be broken. Until then, they can be as involved as they want to be.

One of my brothers is very religious. His family does things like visit old folks in nursing homes, and even having the kids do dances. I've always seen such irony in this -- dancing for the old folks somewhere else while their own parents die alone at home. Things like this can make me see that Christian ideals for even the most devout can be all for show, but not felt deeply inside.

I am the nurse, daughter and next door neighbors. My older brothers who live far away did not have nursing experience. My dad was very private and he didn't want my brothers seeing my mom with Alzheimer's. I enabled my dad and I abided by this "protection" of his sons. Days turn into weeks, months and years. My mom died in 2003. My dad 91, just past 11/27/2016. I was the primary care provider for almost 20 years. It took a toll on me physically and emotionally. Men typically do not have that instinctual nurturing quality about them. The last few years I really needed respite care, but again, my brothers "didn't know what to do" and I kept enabling. In hindsight, and what I would have done if shoe in other foot would have sent my sister who cared for both parents a day-spa certificate, thank you notes, etc. There are so many ways to show appreciation to the child caring for parents but unfortunately it usually lands in one child shoulders and usually the daughter. Hang in there.

It sounds like your siblings have already told you LOUD and CLEAR they want nothing to do with caregiving your parent. At some point in time you will just have to let this anger toward them and the situation GO. Take care of your parent, hire professionals to come in for your respite, and do not contact your siblings ever. They are toxic relationships for you and you are better off. Merry Christmas!

...i so would rather just pay someone, but Id end up spending my wage to pay someone elses wage to do the work.. its a really bad circle there .... its like parents with young children who are expected to work to pay their way in this world, yet spend 9 hours a day away from their kids to do nothing but turn around and pay a day care provider 3/4 of their wages they just earned. ( my mom is not a child, not even close except the fact she needs changing all the time, needs food prepared and help bathing, etc etc etc... a child learns and improves cognition and becomes more and more independent every day, leaps and bounds of wonder and excitement... this is not that.
And i agree with you on the other aspect, I could imagine if they stepped up and started doing even the very minimal care or minimal kindness, Im sure I would never hear the end of it either "Oh yeah!!! well I did this!! or I did that!!" they'd put up billboards all over their community and start posting pictures of them and their "frail mother to prove they are "caring of their own d@mn mom... i can hear it (and see it) now.... Its so stupid... all of it

For a long time I was the only one doing anything - then when they did start stepping in some it ended up with them accusing me of all kinds of things that are outrageous. So now, I would rather just pay someone to help. And they have the nerve to ask if they need to help parents. No thanks, learned my lesson.

... although reality is, I am alone in this, literally, but reading so many on that post thread, knowing that others are just as disgusted with their siblings, its a little comforting

... i cannot believe someone had posted something so similar to mine nearing 3 years ago on this page... she had 515 responses of which i am still reading... That post, is of a true help ... its making feel not as alone as I thought I was... the link is belowhttps://www.agingcare.com/discussions/siblings-dont-help-care-for-mom-155621.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=694120&z=1#694120

its annoying when people say oh well let me know what I can do, but dont atually do anything. Or people put on a fake front and act liek they care about them when they dont. its tough to deal with it. find some assisted help to give you time to pamper yourself it will help.

.. youve all written some pretty cool things, after I sit down later tonight ill go through and read them all...

... totally.. the feeling of being stuck is such a "muky feeling. My sons miss me,I miss my immediate family (them) because this time she demands is stealing the time from my life, thats not a complaint, that is the very deep truth...My boys, they see the things that have gone down, theyve been the only help ive had with her, honestly and i dont allow them to do much (because that is in my control and i wont do that)... Anyway, their opinion regarding their family (aunts and uncles whome they once loved to be around and would love when i had them all over for Christmas celebrations, etc, this does not just effect me, it effects them, and its not only a shock to them to see the abandonment, but theyre old enough now, they look at me and say "Mom those people, theyre not "family, theyre selfishly pathetic"... and theyre right guys. As human beings, they are pathetic.

Staceyb, I had hoped you and your husband would be free from so much soon when you moved to your new place. What happened there? I probably missed things on other threads.

Tired1of4, No it's not right, and No its not fair, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. We arw in the same boat here, having my FIL living with us X 14 years, while my husband's 2 siblings so absolutely nothing towards the care of their Father, Nothing! You just have to resign yourself to the fact, and try your best to get on with it, and find her and yourself the best possible care that you can, in support of her, and more importantly you! Try reaching out to your local (county) Area on Aging, as they may be able to find you some avenues to help in the everyday basics nessesities of life. Have you looked into Adult day care, which may allow you to pursue a job, and alow you time to yourself, and personal freedom? It's really hard, but your siblings are out of the picture, probably never to return, unless there is something in it for them.

My husband's siblings only call to stir up trouble, usually about 3 X per year. We are currently in one of those cycles, where they call with big tales to tell, putting one deadbeat sibling against the other, or circling to get money out of the Old Man.

They re of the misunderstanding that he recieves large pensions monthly, Ha! He does have 2 pensions, one is about 200, and on is only 140, then his only other monies is his SS, so about 2000/per month. His other monies we have locked up in CD's, not that there is a lot, but it is for his own needs down the line, whenbwe can no longer care for him, which is becoming more apparent every day, and 13 years is definitely taking it's toll.

In the most recent round of phone calls, hubby did finally speak up, asking brother what he could contribute (knowing of course there would be nothing), and he did say he might be able to give a couple of hundred now and then, Ha, that was only offered, so that my husband would continue to entertain this round of phone calls, all pertaining to things that happened 20/30+ years ago, which we have no time nor interest to even care about!

Our only interest, is in what they might do, in way of helping their Father and us, but fully understand that nothing will come of it.

These phone calls are really theirbway of circling the wagons, and hearing updates on tbeir Dad's physical condition, wondering when he is going to croak, and if there will be any monies coming their way. It's ongoing and disgusting, but thar is the way they think! They have been led to believe that their parents had All Sorts of money and investments, by a Narcissistic parent, boasting to be relevent and the Big Man, none of it is true! Assisted living would eat through what money he has left in less than 2 years, and he's nearly 87, and in pretty good health!

We, like you, have no idea what to do with this situation, but we are stuck, trying to figure it out, as the years of our lives are taken away from us, being the only ones who stepped up to deal, after their Mom passed away.

It's best if you try to forget, as they are never going to help. That's what we've done, and No its not fair. It SUCKS! MERRY FRIGGING CHRISTMAS!