How do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings?

I don't deal with my siblings at all. Their relationship to their mother is their own. One is far away and the other nearby. Both are into their own lives which don't include their parents. I've read on here that we are responsible because we don't ask for their help. I disagree with that, since they should have enough character to deal with their parents themselves. When my mother dies my tie to the family will be broken. Until then, they can be as involved as they want to be.

One of my brothers is very religious. His family does things like visit old folks in nursing homes, and even having the kids do dances. I've always seen such irony in this -- dancing for the old folks somewhere else while their own parents die alone at home. Things like this can make me see that Christian ideals for even the most devout can be all for show, but not felt deeply inside.

What I've decided is that I'm alone on this journey other than for help from neighbors and some of my parent's church friends. That's the reality; it's not going to change, so why stress myself worrying and becoming angry about it?

Life isn't fair, caregiving isn't fair, and worrying, stressing and becoming angry only affect ME, not those who aren't participating. So I'm not going to allow myself to become upset by the fact that this is primarily a solo journey.

I have two adult brothers - we all live in the suburbs of a large city, although they are west and I am east. Our parents lived in the city. Six years ago our parents both had a health crisis at the same time - they went into separate rehabs - agreeing that it was time to sell their house of 50 years and move to a retirement community where my dad had paid caregivers and my mom fully recovered and went back to her busy life. I became my parents "personal assistant" - for lack of a better title. I arranged for and supervised the caregivers, took care of medications, helped dad with the administrative aspects of their lives - meaning I took care of everything but dad had to sign the checks. From the start one brother was somewhat helpful and the other did pretty much nothing. And that's the way it stayed for six years with the exception of me doing even more after my dad passed 18 months after moving to IL. I became my moms DPOA, mom developed dementia and became even more difficult than her usual self. For the last four years my life orbited my mothers - one brother was somewhat helpful, the other still did nothing beyond visiting mom two or three times a year - I did that many visits in a week often times. The thing is - I honestly don't hold my "do nothing brothers" behavior and attitude against him. We had a difficult childhood- I got past most of it, my brother never did. I made the choices I did because it was what was right for me - no carting around a load of guilt and only shouldering a small bag of regrets. I couldn't have behaved as my brother did any more than I could fly. We can't control others behaviors and attitudes but we can control how we react to them.

I don't agree with the idea of suing them, because I don't agree with laws that make adult children responsible for their parents. Besides, it wouldn't address my basic issue. I don't want my siblings to do more for my mother - I want them to do more for me. I want them to value and appreciate the sacrifice I've made for the good of all of them, I want them to be available as a source of support and consultation, I want them to be willing to engage in thinking and discussion about what can and should be done for my/their mother. It's their emotional disengagement that bothers me, and that wouldn't be addressed by suing them.

Tired1of4, No it's not right, and No its not fair, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. We arw in the same boat here, having my FIL living with us X 14 years, while my husband's 2 siblings so absolutely nothing towards the care of their Father, Nothing! You just have to resign yourself to the fact, and try your best to get on with it, and find her and yourself the best possible care that you can, in support of her, and more importantly you! Try reaching out to your local (county) Area on Aging, as they may be able to find you some avenues to help in the everyday basics nessesities of life. Have you looked into Adult day care, which may allow you to pursue a job, and alow you time to yourself, and personal freedom? It's really hard, but your siblings are out of the picture, probably never to return, unless there is something in it for them.

My husband's siblings only call to stir up trouble, usually about 3 X per year. We are currently in one of those cycles, where they call with big tales to tell, putting one deadbeat sibling against the other, or circling to get money out of the Old Man.

They re of the misunderstanding that he recieves large pensions monthly, Ha! He does have 2 pensions, one is about 200, and on is only 140, then his only other monies is his SS, so about 2000/per month. His other monies we have locked up in CD's, not that there is a lot, but it is for his own needs down the line, whenbwe can no longer care for him, which is becoming more apparent every day, and 13 years is definitely taking it's toll.

In the most recent round of phone calls, hubby did finally speak up, asking brother what he could contribute (knowing of course there would be nothing), and he did say he might be able to give a couple of hundred now and then, Ha, that was only offered, so that my husband would continue to entertain this round of phone calls, all pertaining to things that happened 20/30+ years ago, which we have no time nor interest to even care about!

Our only interest, is in what they might do, in way of helping their Father and us, but fully understand that nothing will come of it.

These phone calls are really theirbway of circling the wagons, and hearing updates on tbeir Dad's physical condition, wondering when he is going to croak, and if there will be any monies coming their way. It's ongoing and disgusting, but thar is the way they think! They have been led to believe that their parents had All Sorts of money and investments, by a Narcissistic parent, boasting to be relevent and the Big Man, none of it is true! Assisted living would eat through what money he has left in less than 2 years, and he's nearly 87, and in pretty good health!

We, like you, have no idea what to do with this situation, but we are stuck, trying to figure it out, as the years of our lives are taken away from us, being the only ones who stepped up to deal, after their Mom passed away.

It's best if you try to forget, as they are never going to help. That's what we've done, and No its not fair. It SUCKS! MERRY FRIGGING CHRISTMAS!

yup, this forum is full of us caregivers to parents abandoned by all the children but one. No, we do not understand it and never will.
give up on them as though they do not exist is how i dealt with it-
I had less pain, turned to and got help from professional aids and a listening ear here.

Tired1of4 - I know you've been disappointed by some of the responses you've received from other posters here, but please don't paint the whole community with one brush. There are a lot of different types of people here, with many different points of view. You're bound to get a lot of responses from people who can't see your point of view at all. I know I always do, and I express some pretty unpopular or unconventional opinions. Not every response is going to be helpful to your situation. That doesn't mean the forum has an overriding mentality or point of view. I've been here a long time, and believe me, it doesn't!

A lot of people seem to "push" the idea of therapy because it's something that has worked for them. I'm one of those people. Caregiving is extremely emotionally stressful, especially for those of us in difficult, strained, unhappy family situations. Therapy can help you find ways of coping with the stress. I know.

For the most part, people are trying to help the best they know how. Unfortunately, what helps them and what helps you may be totally different things. What I do is that I try to home in on the responses from people who seem to understand and relate to what I'm saying, and brush aside the rest. That allows me to take some value and comfort from the discussion without getting too upset about people whose responses seem totally off the mark (for me, but they might be perfect for someone else).

I hope you'll stay and find some value in this community.

Tired, your situation and starting point is different from most of us. As I recall you had been living your life fairly separate from the family. You were called back into the group only to find that you were the only one willing to step-up and take care of mom. You have sacrificed personally, in your relationships and financially and they are not stepping up. You are understandably angry. Your situation includes a fairly quick turn of events. For those who never separated from their families it has occurred slowly over the course of years. Even before my parents were old and merely aged I had been asking my brothers to call and visit more often. If each of them took every other Saturday to call and just talk 5 minutes, the folks would have a weekly conversation with a son but it would only require 10 minutes a month of their time. I thought this plan would be workable, but they could not be bothered to do it. By their late 70's I was telling my brothers to spend time with mom as she would not be having the ability to remember soon. But with only 3 hour visits about 4 times a year my eldest brother thought I was exaggerating and the other one could not face it. I kept encouraging them to visit and even told them that it was their responsibility to have a relationship close enough to know what was going on in their parents life. I would not be keeping them informed.

When my folks were in their 80's, dad had a minor foot surgery, that I mentioned to my cousin. She mentioned it to eldest brother who became furious that I had not told him about it. In truth, I think he was embarrassed when a far flung relative realized that he was not involved at all in our parents life. He accused me of hoarding our parents (I was spending one night 2 times a month as they lived 2.5 hours drive away from me. And we're in their 80's). Then dad died from a staph infection related to the surgery and I took over care for my mother who had advanced in her Alzheimer's.
By the time I took over care I had been trying to get my brothers involved for 10 - 15 years. At first it was not need based but rather just because it would have meant a lot to my parents to feel their sons love. Then their were needs such as trimming bushes and getting home repairs and then the physical care needs came into play. As I recall I did have anger 10-15 years ago. But the process has been slow like water eroding a rock. It serves me no good to hang on to it for years, I haven't the energy to do all I must for mom, and hang on to the anger. There just isn't enough of me left. So, Tired, you are justified in your anger. Yours has been a far more abrupt and stunning, fist to the face introduction to this lousy situation of uninvolved siblings. Thank heavens there is you. Someday you will have to let go of the anger for your sake and your kids. But it is understandable that you are not there. You've got a lot on your plate and the people you should be able to turn to have bailed. It will take quite some time to get over that and getting over that is not the same as forgiving them. You may never forgive them. How you ultimately feel about them will reveal itself over years if not decades.

Right now finding what is best for you and your family is the priority, even if it means with no sibling involvement.

While I do not agree with this type of law, I thought I'd post it for informational purposes: The states that have some sort of Filial Responsibility laws are: Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Virginia and West Virginia. Eight of these states include criminal penalties. For example, in Massachusetts, someone who “unreasonably neglects” to support a parent who is destitute or too infirm to maintain himself could face up to a year in prison plus a $200 fine.

Here is my problem with Filial Responsibility laws. My husband and I are doing well but, it is because we work very hard, make sound financial decisions and go without if it is not something we need.

My brothers do not have any f these traits. In fact one is 53 and has never worked. He sponges off of my mother.

So, Mom gives money to her boys, pays their bills, buys them food, shelter and sometimes vehicles. Eventually, she will be destitute. Now, most of these laws only go after the children if they have means to support the parent. That would be me. So, in essence, I have been supporting my brothers al these years. Totally not fair.