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I am a 54 yr old women and daughter of a 82 yr oldwomen. i am doing it all, when you are the only one doing care giving, it really does get very over whelming. and sometimes all the communication in the world does not work,when you have a very controlling mother at 54 years old you want to be respected and treated like an adult.i love my mother very much but will not allow her to control me any longer with her put downs and guilt trips. none of my siblings.have even asked if i need help with her. i guess they could care less! that my mother just longs to be needed and wanted by her children. i am very hurt by there uncaring selfish ways.yes my mother is controlling but she still is human and needs her other children to understand she misses them very much.in defense of my younger brother he does make a yearly trip to visit his mother.it's my older brother who has not made a trip out to see my in 6 years oh ya he did visit her for an over night trip but really didn't stay very long.i have a lot of anger towards my three older siblings.they need to step up and help with her care, but i will grow old waiting for them to do so.they are just to selfish to reach out to her.i do have a lot of anger in me,i do attend groups etc to help me deal with the stress.i just feel it's very unfair of my siblings to leave all the responsability to me.i do enjoy being with my mother but i have taken a few weeks away from her.to regroup my mother she is very independent most of her issue's deal with being lonely and missing human contact.i really do try to be there for her but we live 30 miles away from each other and i have no transportation.i have to depend on her to pick me up.am on Disability income and just can't afford a car.and there is no public transportation very Rural area in AZ.it's really very hard on me.

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Anger and bitterness is a part of the process, believe me I get that way sometimes myself. I get angry that my sisters do not kick a dime to help out for the items my mom needs past her pension. They go out to eat and spend money in all sorts of ways, but I also know that I am doing the right thing by my mom.

Someday, when your parent is gone, they will have large amounts of guilt for not calling or visiting more. I quit trying to make mine even make a phone call, I am not reminding them what they should be doing. I don't even remind the grandchildren anymore. I am personally over it and I have come to the conclusion that the only person I am responsible for is me. I do what I do believe I believe it is the right thing to do. I will have a life after my mom passes on or will be caring for my father-in-law. But I know that some nursing homes are not good places to be, so I would rather have my mom with me than abandoned in a nursing home.

So when I get to feeling angry and bitter, I remind myself that they have to live with the consequences of their decisions. Someday they will need or want someone to care for them, but it won't be me.

The hardest part for me is them not calling her, she would love to hear from them. But someday she won't be here for them to call and that is their burden and cross to bear. I do what I believe is best and I will start a new life after she passes. I have had lots of fun and life over the years, I will have and find another life afterwards.

So this is what I tell myself when I get to feeling angry and bitter.
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I can understand where you're coming from Blue. I am the only one out of three siblings who cares for my Mom. She is living w/ me now, and it is definitely a 24/7 deal, where she pretty much demands all of my time. She has dementia, though, unlike your Mom, who sounds just lonely. However, when my Mom's dementia was just quite mild, I moved her from where she lived to be closer to the town where I lived. I had her help to pick out a really nice apt at an independent living place. She loved the apartment, but she wouldn't socialize with any of the ppl. She just wanted me there all of the time. She was lonely, with people all around her. It was sad. I had to go over constantly, and pretty soon I just realized it was easier to move her into my home. Lonliness is hard to see a parent (or anyone, for that matter) deal with. And the saddness you speak about that she feels from the lack of attention and caring from the other children is a bummer. I don't blame you for your anger that the others won't step up to the plate a little bit more. That's how I've felt for a long time about my siblings. I love them, but I feel they're selfish too. They don't ever even offer to come stay with Mom for several days to give me a break. I need a break so badly, but now my Mom's dementia has progressed so that I don't know how I can get away without worrying so much about her, or feeling guilty that her level of confusion with me gone would be too much. I let guilt control me. It's not good, but I can't seem to change it. The other suggestions about getting your Mom involved in senior centers, etc, are fine, if she's the type who will go along with that. Unfortunately my Mom would have none of that. She'd just sit and wait for me. And that would make me guilty when I wasn't there. She wasn't mean, nasty, or angry about it. She would just light up like a Xmas tree when I arrived. Like the best present in the world had just walked in. She still does that. How can I walk away from that? It's like a little kid reaction to a parent coming home. Or a dog's reaction when the master returns. Sweet, but kinda makes one guilty if they have to be gone. :(
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My Mother was lost after my Father died. It was honestly the saddest thing!!! We had to go over to her house 5-6 times a day, and my husband and I both work... She would lock herself out and then she had problems with the TV, she would not eat and she would just stay in the bedroom where Dad had died. WE moved her as quickly as we possibly could... She is living in a beautiful indepedant senior housing complex. She is NOT alone, there are others to talk with and she has a really nice apartment. They have one meal together every day, so she is NOT eating alone. She literally does not have to go outside for anything, mail, trash or laundry. She is as happy as she can be anywhere without my Father... They were married almost 63 years. We are in rural Iowa look for something similar where you are... Hope this helps take care, God Bless!
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76Bluegoddess, I am with jeannegibbs in terms of what is your mom's condition? If your mom is just lonely and looking for friends perhaps a senior community would be a good place to help. Many communities have senior centers where they play games, bingo, watch television, eat together and a wide variety activities. My mom lives in a small rural community in Illinois, their community center even has free transportation. You may also want to consider moving her to a 55+ community or apartment building. These are places they live on their own and independantly but there are others around to do things with. My aunt that is 85 lives in one of these communities and she has made new friends.

I have re-read your post and it sounds like your mom is just lonely. If she is seeking someone to do things with you might want to consider those options.

My mom has some medical conditions and I have 3 siblings that do not do much for mom either. So my mom's challenges are a bit more involved.

If you want to share more, this is a great group of people to search for ideas and information from.
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76Bluegoddess , could you be more specific about the types of things your mother is trying to control? It will help be more specific in our answers.

What are your mother's impairments? What kind of help does she require? I think you mention housecleaning in your profile. That is a fairly easy skill to locate and pay for. Why would you have to do that, given the transportation hassle of getting to your mother's house without a car.

What is your mother's financial situation? Does she own assets besides her home and car? What kind of monthly income does she have? Is it enough to pay her way?

Give us more information, please.
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