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Grandparent giving complaints over the phone about family member to another family member new years morning.

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Countrymouse, I LOVE that story about your daughter. If we are wise, we let our children bring us up, too.
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Try giving her a pain pill! I bet she gets achy, and doesn't quite notice it.
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i am so sorry. that would hurt my feeling too. i think you should agree to disagree. and if she is talking about family to family they probably no it and understand Thats the why it is with my FIL
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it's becoming clear that sometimes reasoning with older folks don't always work. if you're able to, when your grandmother gets into her moods, maybe try to entice her to do something fun, like going to the movies, strolling in the park, shopping, whatever to get her mind off the people she's complaining about...
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When she was a very little girl, I once bit my daughter's head off for no reason other than that I was being a crabby old cow and was in a dreadful mood. She was an easy baby, cute toddler, sunny child, I had no reason ever to be cross with her. The look of total astonishment on her face was - thank God! - so comical that it has never left me. She said nothing, just pulled herself up short, pursed her lips, raised her eyebrows and gazed at me; and it completely defused the situation. I bring it to mind whenever I feel the urge to be unreasonably angry with someone who is not at fault - shop assistants, call centre agents, that kind of person; and I also mimic the expression when someone is being unfairly rude or unkind to me.

I don't know if this would help you not to take it personally when your grandmother is being mean - there might be a funny side to it somewhere..?
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Yes. She's not mean to you because she's taking you for granted. She is mean because she hates getting old, her body hurts, and there you are. I would hug and kiss her as much as you can stand. Give her sympathetic words when she is mean. "Oh, aren't you feeling well? Do you need a cup of tea?" If she snaps back, then "I'll come back later when you're feeling better."

Don't "give in" to her, but be kind as you would be to a cranky overtired baby. Let me know if it works!
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Unsure maybe that hug and kindness at the start and end of each day was what she needed to stay in a happier place. As we get older, if we're alone, we don't get much physical contact AT ALL from others. So a pat, a kiss, or a hug are all something wonderful to share with those you love.

My family was never physical with each other. We don't say we love each other, we don't hug or kiss...so now when I help my mom bathe, I enjoy just touching and holding her getting in and out of the shower, setting her hair for her, etc. It's also the only physical touch I get too, since I'm single.

So maybe go back to trying those hugs and kisses and see if Grandma softens a bit. If not, you're still doing her a kindness that will "earn you a star in your crown" as my 94 year old mom is fond of saying. And come on here to share anytime.
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PS I can share that sentiment with your MIL, at least! Not been the best New Year's Day ever...
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My MIL was the same way today, complaining about everyone and everything, in a real manic phase. I told my husband "I think she's mad that it's 2014 and she is still alive."
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Thank you all for your helpful answers. Although I'm not a caregiver I do live with her,just me and her and its nice to be able to ask for help on here. I used to be very sweet with her, say good morning and give her a kiss and hug,call her my little lady. Also,check on her a lot. I stopped doing my "good morning" routine and "good night" routine(which by the way comes naturally for me to be affectionate with her,I'm like that but in different ways with people who are very close with me) because I know its being taken for granted by her, later on throughout the day she'll be grumpy and rude. I've told her in the past to let me know when she's cranky so I can stay out of her way but she never tells me, I just get a regular dose of meanness most of time from her. She's not ill,she's a very strong woman in her 70's.
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Gosh I wish I could tell people they bore me when they disagree with me! How beautifully simple life would become… "DO stop arguing, you're giving me a headache!" Wonderful.

Unsure, Jeanne is right - I'll bet your grandmother didn't mean to put you off calling her, or to hurt your feelings. She was probably just feeling generally tetchy and irritable, don't take it personally or carry the hurt forward. If she complains to you about other people, you could try what my daughter and I remind each other of as our little in-joke about her grandmother: "Nod and smile, dear, nod and smile."

And you really needn't apologise for consulting this forum. It's good to hear from you. Hope things settle back down again with your grandmother x
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Unsure, as we grow up we develop filters between our brains and our mouth. We may think rude things but we gradually learn the wisdom of not saying them out loud. We filter out the socially unacceptable parts of our thoughts and learn to express our ideas without being offensive.

Eventually those filters start to fail. Elders may sometimes say what they think without smoothing out the rough edges first. If there is any dementia present the filters may be completely gone.

You love your grandmother. It is good to talk to her. You can learn from her and build memories and strengthen your relationship. Perhaps the price for this is that you occasionally get some unfiltered rudeness from her. You can remove yourself when this happens. "Grandmother, I see that you are upset. I'll come back later when you are feeling calmer." Or you could try kidding her about it, "If my voice gives you headaches when I disagree with you, then it is a good thing that most of time we agree, isn't it?"

I suspect that GM's rudeness reflects her loss of social filters and not a loss of love for you. Try to be understanding. Some day you will be old.
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Well. I'm her granddaughter,I apologize for posting this on a caregiver site, I tried googling and this site came out. I love her but she complains a lot, can be spontaneously rude with me as well without me offending her or being rude,etc. The other day I was talking to her and because I disagreed with her views on a particular topic she told me hearing my voice gives her headaches,it bores her,and irritates her.
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Being a 24/7 caregiver is like being in a marriage. It's hard to live with people, even when you love them. Everyone needs an outlet to complain. I ask myself is there any justification to the complaint? If I acted badly I apologize, and fix the problem. If I didn't I let it roll off my back. Can you talk to your grandfather, and try to fix it?

How to handle the person who recieved the complaint , and now wants to tell you what to do, is so much easier. First listen to what may be invaluable advice. If it's just monday morning quarterbacking, thank them, and offer to drop your grandfather into their capable hands.
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How serious were the complaints? If it was something like they didn't come visit long enough, I wouldn't pay any mind. But if it was something like they did come visit, but cleared out the bank account, I would listen and try to help. Let us know a little more and people may have some ideas on what to do.
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