How to deal with a brother who forces me to take care of a parent and threatened me to alternative actions that I do not know about?

The first question is: who manages Dad's money? If it's you, then you don't have to give any weight to what your brother wants or doesn't want done with it. You need respite. Your brother can't be forced to step up and quite likely won't do it. Why can't you arrange respite for yourself?

Yes you have paid your dues, and then some. Just the same, you can't force or obligate your brother to do an equal amount, or anything for that matter. You need to create your own exit without his help. Thankfully your father has money. Hire a caregiver to stay with him or start looking at assisted living facilities. Keep your brother informed but don't let him interfere. Take your life back. You've done more than enough.

Neither your brother or his wife can "force" you into caring for your father.

You've started to separate yourself from this toxic situation - that's a good start, so continue with your plans. Separate yourself from your brother and SIL.

I don't understand what the alternative actions threats are? How is it that you know you've been threatened but they're not telling you the basis of the threats. It sounds to me as if this is some intense level of bullying.

You can probably expect your brother and SIL to escalate their attacks against you now that you've advised them you can't care for your father. You might even want to consider getting a PPO (injunction) against them if they become threatening or hostile.

But remember, you're in charge of your life - your brother is not, and he has no legal authority whatsoever to force you into slave labor. The Emancipation Proclamation legally freed slaves from that abhorrent practice; don't let your brother resurrect it.

Step 1. Continue to develop your financial independence (get a job, grow your business)

Step 2. Find a place you can afford to live

Step 3. Give proper notice to POA

Step 4. Leave

That is it.

You have every right to move on. Give written notice to the POA exactly what date you are leaving. Stick to it. The POA is legally responsible to see to his care.

She says Bro does not want to use dad's money , so that makes me think he has financial control. Good for you for giving them the dates you will be gone.. now stick to that and refuse any conversations that question that. I agree it's time for you to have some life. Good luck, and good advice above!

Unfortunately, I suspect your brother as POA doesn't want to see "his precious inheritance" spent on hiring care for dad if he can get it for free from you. What a jerk. Consider that you sort of have the upper hand. You can walk out that door & leave brother/sister in law to scramble. Don't be afraid to hold THAT over THEIR heads. They have all the legal obligation. If nothing -- that's a tool to negotiate your exit strategy. Once you have your own nest set up - you're done. In the meantime - you'll stay, but they can start paying you for what you do going forward. Either way, they're going to have to dip into the coffers. If they push-back, advise them you'll go ahead & leave, but will call Adult Protection Services on your way out the door to report their neglect. The alternative, if you have a place to go where you can work some while you launch your plan, there's no shame in just leaving now. I struggle with the same thing - worrying about my own future by continuing to do what I do, but am "trapped" by the circumstances & not someone "forcing me" to continue. I hope some of these things can help you feel empowered enough to stand up for yourself.

If you have POA I would do what needs to be done and leave your brother out of it. He obviously has no desire to deal with it himself.

January 24, 2017, To everyone who have responded here...my apologies for not responding back as quickly as I can due to responsibilities lately with my Dad. I will do my best to answer what I have given thought of in last couple of weeks.

1. After reading the sound advices given by all who answered my question, I honestly felt better in the decision that I have made last weekend. It took courage to stand up for myself especially in front of my overly controller sister-in-law and the enabler, brother, and gave them my notice of moving out after Dad's 90th birthday in April 2017. I also researched the caregiver locations here nearby Dad's house for them to look through at their leisure. Although, my sister-in-law rather have her best girlfriend's caregiver that she can trust to care for Dad, if need be.

We have yet to finalize anything at the moment in regard to Dad's care due to my brother's back surgery that has occurred today and will be out of commission for a few days. It is only appropriate that I wait until he recovers from his surgery and back on his feet before I continue with the discussion of Dad's care.

By the way, before I did any of the above actions, I spent time alone with Dad while he is alert and sharp in his mind to see if he is okay with the change in my leave of his presence. He was and is okay with my leave but he feels like he will be all alone in his home...no live body in the house. I told him that his son and wife lives a block away. I also told him that we will make sure that he has someone to talk to and visit him in his home. I have already brought up this subject to my brother and sister in law several times in the last few years. I have always updated them with what is going on with Dad.

Dad still drives to his country club for breakfast and dinner, goes to his bank and nearby stores within 5 minutes distance. He does not travel long distance, by any means. He stays near home.

2. I have already been in contact with a long time trusted friend whom I have known since 1995 about the possibility of finding a place together as roommates to share in the financial responsibilities of the home. We have been roommates before and it worked out several years ago. We can do it again.

3. Financially, being retired and on Social Security, my small online business has just started and are doing well with it. It will help me to regain my financial footing, so to speak, quickly and get my life back on track.

4. My brother is the POA. My sister in law has the Medical Power and her name is on Dad's account. I am just living here to care for Dad. I have no power, so to speak. As to attorney, I cannot afford an attorney. I will not stoop low to their level of power. I will rise above them by following all of the necessary protocols and leave Dad in their capable hands. When I have the funds, if need be, I will hire an attorney. I just do not want to make it any difficult than it already is especially for Dad.

5. According to the doctors, Dad does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. It just the slowing down process due to age. He has short term memory loss but his long term memory is fine. He cannot remember what we talked about from one minute to the next minute due to short term loss. I usually write on sticking note as reminders to him of things that we talked about. Otherwise, he is fine for an almost 90 year old man.

Well, it is getting late. My brain is slowing down and cannot think clearly. It is time for me to get to bed. Again, thank you for the listening ear and sound advice. It really does help me understand that I did the best that I can do under these circumstances and follow the right protocol of action to take in removing myself in order to regain my life back..one step at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time until all is fulfill to the best of my ability.

Also, from what I have read in caregiver's struggles, I certainly do not want to die before my aging parent does. I still have a life to live and want to be able to enjoy what remaining time that I do have with my grandchildren and other things that I have put off since 2007. As much as I love my Dad, it is time for my brother and his wife to step up to the plate, face Dad on a daily basis and make their decision on his care. They have had their chance to live life fully (ie. travelled extensively every year, take weekend vacations, do things they wanted to do freely, etc) while I stayed with Dad with very little income, no vacations, and cannot see my young grandchildren who lives out of town. It sounds like that I am complaining...but I really am not complaining...just stating the facts in realism of it all. I gave it all up to care for Dad and Mom when she was alive years ago. Furthermore, Dad cannot handle little grandchildren so my children do not bring them around us at all in the last few years. I had to accept the fact that this is life in this very home that I live in with him.

What I did not realize is that after I had experienced the emotional and mental toll with Dad and my family over the years, my life has been drained of energy. Rather the family is aware of this or not, I am acutely aware of it. Dad, blessed his heart, is not aware that he is draining my energy as fast as I can replenish it. I get drained pretty fast. It is not his fault. He just does not know that he is doing this to me. It is another reason why I need to take care of my declining health by leaving here and regain my health back so that I can live for my grandchildren and make a new life for myself.

My apologies for rambling on. I hope that what I have gone through may comfort another caregiver here. We are not alone in this experience. We are here for each other, comfort each other, advise each other, uplift each other and give hope to one another in the most challenging time of our lives. Peace to all.

In answer to CarlaCB's question of who manages my Dad's money? My brother's wife. From what I have gathered, I guess the abbreviated POA means Power of Attorney. My brother's wife has Power of Medical. I think that my brother has POA. I have no say in my beloved Dad's situation other than just being there for him. I have always let them know what is happening with Dad's health. My brother's wife is very much a controller (she admitted this fact to me years ago) and my brother allows her to be the one to take care of everything to the point of using the psychological means to persuade family members and others to do what she thought is best for them to her advantage. Not good. From what I have read in the above responses, I am on the right path and following the right way of presenting the suggestions to them of providing the caregiver for Dad. My gratitude for your valuable time to respond to my request...CarlaCB, pamstegma, GardenArtist, Mom2Mom, caring2 and pamzimmrrt.

Has your dad been declared incompetent? If not and he is still able to make his own decisions, you can inform dad that you need help and that he needs to make you his POA so that you can get the help you and he need. Your profile doesn't mention dementia. I'm assuming he is still driving as you said he got lost one day. All it takes is a trip to dads attorney. If you don't want the responsibility, then proceed as you've planned. It sounds like you are doing the visits to the dr etc. You can discuss dads cognitive ability with the doctor before you make changes. If you are the POA for financial and medical you can hire your own help, continue to live in your dads home and build your business. I certainly understand if you are too tired to take this on but visit with the dr and the attorney and protect yourself AND your dad even if it's about nine years late. Write again and let us know how it's going.