How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

MWE she is probably thinking she will break up your marriage my mil from hell tried to even the day I was n labor and called him at work to come straight home he stopped at her house and I had to call there to ask her to send him home-I should have just called a taxi-but in those days I was the steford wife.

Gbeary- I am afraid I am like your husband. After bending over backwards to make MIL feel comfortable and putting up with some very ridiculous requests/demands, I am furious at her complete lack of gratitude and the horrible way she treats our teenage son and my husband. I cannot stand to be in the same room with her. The sound of her voice bitching just drives me nuts. On the other hand, I told my husband I will gladly be the bad cop if it gets her to move, which she can easily afford. She just likes having him to nag at and boss around. In her mind, he is the fill in for FIL, who passed away. That is not fair to our son and certainly not healthy for my husband. It would be easier if we would all suck it up, in some respects. But that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Your lucky your husband is so understanding...mine isn't. He has gotten to the point he can't stand to be in the same room with my mom and it makes it so difficult for me. I know it is because he is so protective of me and is upset about the way she talked and behaved to me last summer...but he is acting like her now and won't get over it...

gsw-I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If your NM is 91-I am sure you are a spring chicken. Yes we all have to take care of ourselves. But please understand there is help out there. At 91, I will assume she cant live alone and I will assume assisted living is not in your budget. Ask today every option out there for you. You need a break. Let us know what u find out and remember we are always here for you.

Playagrandma....I think probably that Cheryl has just not reached the breaking point yet. I do understand what she is saying and I am just guessing here but I imagine we all told ourselves that same thing for years - and I still do...but then it gets to a point where you have no choice or you will lose your sanity. Although my mother is totally self centered and has pushed so many people and friends away, these fits of hers come in spurts and always have. My husband went for the first 7 yrs we were together and did not believe what we told him until last year when they resumed again. Now him and I fight because he refuses to be around her. When her 90 yr old boyfriend was dying in the hospital it had to be about "her" and she got mad at his kids and was not with him at the end. Then she went into one of her "spells" for about a year. For the first time ever I got her on meds and now she keeps after me that she doesn't need them and wants to quit taking them. She is no longer depressed and will be fine without them. I try to explain she is not as depressed because she is on them. Uggg! I try to just not answer her and leave it to her doctor to deal with it. Scares me to think if she stops taking them. Good luck to you. We try to do what is right but you can not do at the cost of your own life or sanity.

My NM is right smack in my home. She has burned all of her other bridges and has nowhere to go. I am learning that it's up to me to not be dragged down by her "woe is me" attitude. From what I've read she fits right into the category and I am SO glad to finally get an understanding of it. Yes, she expects everyone to cater to her, everyone to call her, everyone to visit her. She wonders why no one invites her over to stay for a "while", but who would put up with this? It's been very hard, but she has been in geriatric psych lately, and we are plugged into the behavioral health system, which seems to be seeing things that haven been hidden for so long except to her "beloved" immediate family. She can no longer hide the facts, any more, and I can see she is distressed that people are finding out what she is really like. My sister is a lot like her and so I am in this all by myself. We live somewhere where we don't have any relatives and few friends who I guess were not all that good of friends to begin with, since they have disappeared, so I feel very isolated. she professes deep love for all of us and her behavior has nothing to do with love. It is a needy type thing that can never be satisfied. It's sad, but I'm no longer sympathetic. She's drained me and everyone in the family. I've finally realized that I can't fix her, and I just need to make sure I am as healthy as I can be. Sometimes I tell I am not feeling well, just to see how she will act that day, and see if she will do something for herself. Pretty amusing. She can walk, talk, play games, etc., so at almost 91 you would think she would be happy that she can do these things. No, she isn't, but she never has been, and I can't let myself be dragged down the drain with her. Today, the psych nurse comes and I am going to ask for alternatives for care. It's not fair to my husband to live with this, even though he says "Hey, this is real life. Life is not fun and games all the time." If I didn't have him, I don't know what I'd do. Thanks, everyone, for this forum.

I agree....we are all so lucky to have this forum and be able to share our frustration. It somehow helps to know that we are not alone. I feel that I have a lot of friends and soul mates out there!

You're very welcome. I needed to talk about it today. Feeling anger with nowhere to vent it can be so depressing. I'm glad that we have a place to vent, instead of keeping all inside. People on the outside wouldn't understand. Hope I didn't sound too narcissistic venting about my narcissist mother. :-)

Thank you som much for your insight, JessieBelle. You are so right - my mother is a "depression era" woman.....maybe having done without so much for so long has given them this huge sense of entitlement? They believe they deserve more than others for the "punishment" they went through? I really don't know. But I know this: you have a great handle on it. It took me a long time to label my mother's behaviour as narcissism but once I got it I could really start to see how toxic it is. And it is still occurring.
Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. They are very valuable to me.

I do think there is something with women of that era. MIL has never liked children. I think she resented the expectations of women in her day. Hubby is the only child who can put up with her, and he has reached his limit. You are right, it is the little things that just add up. The absolute insistence that she knows how to set up my house better than me. She rearranges things despite being told not to many times. She makes snide and snotty comments about our son. In December I had knee surgery. Before she came to live with us, we told her it was scheduled and she would need to stay with another relative for a few weeks so I could stay in the first floor bedroom. She agreed, until it was time for her to go. We had to rearrange how I was going to recuperate at home as I wasn't supposed to use stairs the first week. The day I came home from the hospital, my poor husband had his hands full getting me from the car to inside the house. Just when we walk in the door, she comes in and demands that she needs him to do something for her immediately. We literally were not 10 ft in the house. It makes you just want to scream.

I know what you mean, AlwaysMyDuty. Usually I just suck it up and go about my way. But some days I just feel so disgusted that I feel I just have to say something. The last two days have been that way. If I had to put my finger on anything specific she does wrong, it would sound pretty trivial. It is all the little things added up. For example, this morning I found I lost a filling and said I had to make a dentist appointment. She immediately trumped me by saying she was going to have to see her doctor. I told her with her three appointments for radiation and my dentist appointment, we did not have time for another doctor appointment, and I would not take her. But I can guarantee that she'll get on the phone tomorrow and make an appointment. I don't like this, not only for myself, but her doctor is about to drop her. She is a hypochondriac and he is tired of her.

Jessie, I was just thinking the same thing about depression era women! My mom and yours could be sisters. My mom knew better, that the Bible says when you marry you're life is with your spouse, NOT your parents but lordie, she didn't think it applied to ME. She never put me on her priority list but by dang, I had better have her #1. Oh the stories I could tell. Anyway, when I finally grew a backbone she couldn't stand not controlling me and disowned me and my kids just because they were mine. After the shock, we realized she'd done us a favor and we could live "drama free". What a pathetic person she was.
Another thing about depression era people, what's up with getting that deer in the headlights look at the mention of a nursing home? Mom had no problems sticking her mom in one but katy bar the door at the suggestion she might need to go. She said I should quit my job and take care of her before that ever happened. Oh of course, Mom, you've been so kind and caring to me all my life, I definitely want to quit my job to take care of your ungrateful, hateful behind...no way in H@^L!!!!! Pile all that responsibility on your other daughter who lives 3000 mi away (I was 8 mi away), throw in a paid caregiver who apparently took my place as the eldest daughter and somebody, I've never found out who, you gave your pin # to and overdrew your bank account several times.
Thanks for letting me vent. I felt the need to air my disgust today.

and we all have a different story and yet all are the same-we have a NM. My NM swears her dad didnt love her(her mom ran off when she was very young). My grandpa wasnt very passionate but he did love her and all his family. She has nine grandkids and not one respect her and only see her at holidays which would be thanksgiving and christmas. They dont call her and or go see her. But she has never show much love or concern for them and they all feel and know it. Its really sad. Her daughter in laws have written her off and only accept her at those two holidays. She has written her daughters off and so there are five females that have little to do with her. Her sons, have set boundries-sometimes they work like now but often they do that. Its either her way or the highway. So she sits alone and hopes the occasional friend will drive her wherever she wants to go. She never has anyone just to visit-and all of us siblings are nothing more to her than a taxi driver. No more for me!

It is really sad to live without knowing the feeling of love inside you, but I am afraid that is true of many narcissists. After I wrote what I did of depression-era women, I thought about the expectations of women at the time. They were raised with the thought that they got married, had a few kids, then the husband would take care of them. I wonder if many women had children because they were the meal ticket and contraception was not as available at the time. The dependence of women at the time probably led to a lot of loveless marriages and children that weren't really wanted.

My mother is very much like your MIL. She has contempt for most other people. She hated her own father and my father's parents. She puts on a show when it comes to her grandchildren, but only if they come to her. She never goes to them. All of her arrows point inward with nothing coming back out. It is probably why she chose an autistic man to marry. He required very little of her emotionally.

I still chuckle when I think of a conversation my mother and I once had. She was talking about how she couldn't understand why my brothers and I weren't closer. After all, she and her siblings were all so close. I just told her, "Well, you had different parents" and left it at that. I love getting the occasional barb in when getting criticized for something that I had no control over.

JessieBelle- it is amazing how they do not see how they are. My MIL will sit and shake her head in disgust at memories of her mean old granny. Yet, she has always been completely abysmal to all of her grandchildren. I seriously doubt any of them would come to her funeral when she dies. In fact, when one of her grandchildren died tragically, she did not go to the funeral as she felt no need to say goodbye. When her own child died, leaving her teen grandchildren without parents, she basically disowned them. She has never since aknowledged them in any way. So, when she talks about her grandmother being mean, I think, wow, take a good long look in the mirror lady.

I forgot something to the story above. I reminded my mother that she had not wanted my Dad's father here when I was a kid. My paternal grandfather lived with us a few months after his wife committed suicide. My mother couldn't stand it. When I reminded her, she said, "Well, that was different." Of course, the only difference was that for some reason she feels that she and her sisters have entitlement that the rest of the population lacks. I don't know where the sense of entitlement comes from, but I've noticed it in many depression era women.

Something I wondered after reading through much of this thread is what would happen if a child said, "No, Mom. I am not going to do this because you are a narcissist. Your main problem is you are so self-centered that you've lost sight of everything outside yourself." Would a narcissist be able to self-inventory and see what a monster they are? Or would the person who dared to say such a thing to them become the monster. Probably the latter.

I live with a narcissist and let me tell you it is no fun to be around a person who doesn't see others as significant except in how they can serve. We had something come up the other day that made me realize how bad it really was. She simply despises my cousin's wife. When my aunt got cancer, she was very sick. My cousin put his mother in a skilled nursing facility. My mother thought that the wife was a monster for not taking care of her. I pointed out that my cousin had three young children, so their responsibility was to them. She said no, it wasn't. Then she said the preachers say that God and Jesus come first, parents second, then spouse and family. So adult children should forsake their spouses and children to take care of their parents. My mother has even rewritten the Bible to fulfill her narcissistic need.

The sad part is that in trying to pull people in, the narcissist pushes them away. I have to keep my interactions with her to a minimum because she is so focused on herself. The only boundaries that exist are the ones I set and she has no regard for them at all. If I tell her no, I won't do something, it isn't taken seriously, then all hell breaks loose when I put my foot down. It is a sad thing that the result is if she were to die tomorrow that no one would miss her. There was never any love coming from her, and now that she is old, she is alone. Everyone around her has had to distance themselves, including me who lives under the same roof.

Gosh, thanks for this feed and forum. Pinkfelines4 has to be my alter ego. Everything she writes. I could have. I have found such good and thoughtful suggesitons in here. I now know, exactly what has been wrong with my Mom her entire life. She is narcissistic, but never got any help for it and it was enabled. now, it is my hands, because she has literally sent everyone else packing with her histrionics. I can't walk away from her, because she is in my home. I am trying very hard to make life better for her, but of course it doesn't work and it will not. She is unhappy, always lonely no matter who is with her, and now she has managed through poor choices her entire life to have just me. She calls people and complains about us to everyone else. I'm at my wits end. A nursing home will be the next step. I hate to do that since we've kept her our for 91 years, but I am allowing her to ruin my life. I have to stop. Thanks, everyone.

well first of all always my duty-thank you, you sure get it dont you? You know the part about at least you have a mother-whats that mean exactly? My NM claims since her mom took off when she was young, she really didnt know how to be mom. Well all of her sibling says maybe she was better off and maybe we would have been too. I am still struggling-still havent told about the move and not looking forward to it. And as for Cheryl, I dont think you do get it. Have you read every posting here. I have been there for my NM since I was 16 years old-I am 65 now. How much abusive do you think one should take? I have been told to butt out of her life and the only thing I have done is try to help her. You say you only have one mom-well I say she only has two daughters-both she has treated terribly. I have told her I forgive her-how many times is that required in a lifetime. She has said to me many times-she does not need or want my help-oh unless she cant find anyone else. And last cheryl, I do pray everyday and in the end-its always the same conclusion-I know that God and Jesus do not want me to suffer and it will take time if ever to make the guilt go away. But I cannot lead myself back to her because of that. So now I get ready to go o a vacation and then our move. I anxiously await our new move. Life will be much better. Have a super bowl super sunday everyone. Love you all

I also had a NM. Because of the way she treated me, I learned to distrust everyone on earth, she being #1 on my list. If I may give my advice, I wouldn't go see her unless you can control your emotions. If your mom is like mine, she loved to see me upset and would say things just to make me cry. It got to where I clammed up when I saw her and wouldn't share anything...again the distrust issue. I had to resort to writing letters BUT just remember to be careful what you write because you never know who will use your words against you.
playagrandam, your plans to move are fabulous! You've suffered enough, now go enjoy your loving family. I admire you for having the courage to leave the negative behind and embrace the positive. The best to you.
If I had a dollar for every time my ex-husband told me "well, at least you have a mother, mine died when I was 3", I'd be a rich person. It must be sad not to ever have a mom, but it's sadder to have a mom who hates you and who's main goal in life is to make you miserable and try to "break" you at every turn. I forgave my mom before she died, but I will NEVER forget what she did, mainly because I don't ever want to be like her, especially to my own kids. I carry no guilt for anything involving her, I cannot smile about anything involving her and she brings absolutely no joy in my memories.

U only have one mom my own mother was very abusive to me but u have to forgive.And no matter if it dosent seem fair ignore her negative ways ,if she throws a fit irreguardless shes your mom and she needs u like I say pray and don't let it get to you.Even if u have to leave at least u have that option God puts up with a lot from us so in the end things could be worse.So try to laugh and pray in Jesus name for your sanity its better than the guilt n God will be smiling to.

Thanks Emjo! You seem to be the voice of reason on this topic and I really appreciate your sharing your personal experience.
Having just read your last posting (just above this one of mine) I have to agree with you on the genetic end of it - in fact one of my children shares the exact traits my mother has, which makes it doubly difficult for me. One of them is more than enough, as I am sure you can relate! But I think you are so right - I imagine that if I went back into the family history there would be others - so genetics must be a component.
My mother does have a sibling who is "normal" for all intents and purposes and completely different from her. Also it seems as though my mother took after one parent and her sibling took after another.
There is myself and my sibling and neither of us have narcissistic traits. I do not believe my father was a narcissist but of course, he got tangled up in her world and became one of her minions, so to speak. I didn't want to say tool or weapon. But life between the two of them was unforgiveably punishing and to make matters worse they were the exact same zodiac sign, one week apart!
Angry? Negative and fault-finding? Add to this critical, judging, inflexible and a big dose of constant supposed narcissistic injury and you have my NM.
Thank you for the hugs -- I send them back to you!

seven - there is another possibility and that is a genetic basis for personality dis-rders like narcissism. My mother grew up the second child of 5 in a normal family and all her siblings were lovely people. However, there are individuals in her extended family who have the same characteristics as she does. Several of her cousins were the same, my sister has a form of it, and my daughter too. Mother was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few years ago, and narcissism goes with that. She certainly "expects preferential treatment, has developed a huge sense of entitlement and expects to be the center of attention always." That describes her well. In addition she is a very angry negative fault -finding person, From what I have read the two theories of the origin of these conditions are 1) environmental - as you mention, and 2) genetic.

Sounds like you know about "no win" situations. I do too. They are is very wearing, ((((((hugs)))))

Hi Playa -sorry I missed this. I have been in hibernation with the extreme cold here, fighting a bug, and dealing with some personal stuff. I totally agree with what sharyn and others have said. What a wonderful move - to be close to those who want and love you. Way to go!!!
My advice - and it is what I myself would do in the same situation - write her a very brief and informational letter that you are moving. I would give her as little ammunition as possible in it, and definitely create as much space as possible. I am not clear if this is a goodbye for ever and no more contact for you, or just the move, I would avoid seeing her face to face as I think that invites more abuse. However, if you decide that, like mywits says, walk out if (when)it gets nasty/stressful. I think seeing her face to face would be stressful for you no matter what is said. If you have things you want to say to her, I would, at some point, write those down too, and send them - not that they will change her, but may make you feel better.
sharyn - we got nasty letters too, and eventually I just left them, or threw them away. Mother alienated her grandkids by sending them nasty letters.
Playa - whatever you decide -let us know and let us know how it goes. I think moving towards your daughter, sil and grandson is great. See if you can let the past and the unpleasant present go. Let go and let God as they say.
Blessings and prayers for a whole new and better life. Joan

Thank you for posting this - some good information in here. My opinion is that these people have been "formed" by certain events in their lifetimes and the way their parents have responded to them. In my NM's case, she was the oldest and the family lived through some very hard times but the pressure was put on her to be the perfect, well-educated, well-mannered beautiful one and she also claims that she "died" while on the operating table having her tonsils out.....it seems that there is too much attention put on these people and they are held up on a pedestal to be the ones who "save" the family (ie make good).
They are then conditioned to expect preferential treatment, devlop a huge sense of entitlement and expect to be the center of attention always. Then when they have their own families they have a chance to project onto their own husbands/wives/children the way they expect things to be. Also it is always do as I say, not as I do....so don't you dare cross them or get out of line. The cycle is repeated so that anything their children do is up for scrutiny and anything you do that is perceived as a slight against them is turned back on them as putting them in a bad light. It's a no-win situation!

Hello caregivers. I wanted to share an article we have on our site that you may enjoy reading regarding this very topic. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-narcissistic-parents-150302.htm

Playa- I think the letter is a good idea. Of course, normally, you would deliver that news in person. But, you are not dealing with a normal situation. If you do it in person, be prepared to get up and walk out as soon as she gets ugly. You are moving towards your future. Don't look back. You know you have done all you can do. Congrats on the move. That's exciting. Enjoy!

Good for you Austin to chose not to listen to the rantings. That is something I tried to get across to my sister for years when our mother would send us nasty letters. I would tear them up because I already knew what it said. Sis would read them anyway and then was very hurt by our mother's words all over again. I guess she thought maybe mom would change. The only thing that has changed her is the dementia. That was a very wise social worker. Sometimes it doesn't take much to set us back emotionally when dealing with PD or the aftermath and PTSD. Many hugs to you Austin, I read your post on the YOU thread and your upcoming trip to help your sis with going thru your mother's belongings. Do what you can and if it gets to be too much step back for awhile.

Shary you advice is real good-sending the letter because she probably know just what mom will. When my husband was in rehab I would turn down the answering machine so as not to have to hear his rants until I was ready to hear them when I felt stronger. He even had our son buy him a tape recorder telling him he wanted to record the family history but I know he only wanted tocatch me saying something in response to his narcisic commets-when he died the social worker packed up his things and the tape recorder was not with his things-I think she may have heard him using it to say nasty things about me and made sure it was not found-I was not going to listen to his rantings anyway-so never asked about what happened to the recorder.

Playa~From your posts on here and your history with your mother, it may be best for you to send her a letter giving her your new address and phone # once you are settled. If you are at a really good place emotionally right now, talking with your mother may send you backwards, bringing up all the hurt again as it opens the door for her to attack you. When dealing with a personality disorder, a big change such as the one you are making that is in your best interest, can cause her to start the old dialog of abandonment, guilt and the whole emotional turmoil about herself, all she has done for you...you know what I am saying...how dare you have a life that isn't wrapped around her, we have heard it a million times. Of course the letter she sends back to you will be filled with the same litany, but you know that ahead of time and can chose to read it or tear it up. Then you can contact her after a couples months and things have settled down. The more emotional distance you create, the better you are going to be. Hugs to you and stay strong!!