How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Would she be happy if you saw her when sick-that would be another can of worms-since nothing makes her happy do what you think best-my Mom gets so ticked off so easy-she is very selfish.

playagrandma
It's comforting to know I am not alone with a selfish mother. It's extremely demanding, hair-tearing and wears you down to the point where you can observe yourself as a screaming bag-of-rage, yet you can't seem to control it when it hits. You desire family members to hear you, but they all seem to have no ears or an ounce of sympathy in their bones. No one wants to know, or help.
It's gets so bad sometimes that I find myself wishing my mother would just die and solve everything. I bet you know how that one thought screws with your mind!
Last night was one of those bad nights with her huge dummy-spits. It was so bad and demeaning that I couldn't even get up today, face the world and go to work to deal with more aged people and be able to find a smile I just didn't have within me.
Worse yet....since Xmas I've been disowned by my eldest son for not being able to live up to his own expectations of what a grandma should be to his children. That was earth-shattering in itself and I can't seem to fix it. All I can see is me ending up being like my mother...a lonely, bitter old lady.
So I feel for you dear. More then you can imagine. It's sad that at 61, I am the mother to my child-mother with a younger sister whose found a good excuse not to have to deal with her.
Today I resolved that she can stew in her own juices for a few days to perhaps realise who it is that's doing all her caring and visiting.
I'm hearing you and I can only take my own advice to you and say "find that personal power within you once and a while. It DOES help!"
Good luck
A Sympathiser

sympathiser-wow honey I do sympathise with you. I am very lucky though-I have three brothers and a sister that are in this with me all the way. And also I have one grandchild and him and I are best buddies. You bet I try and be the grandma my NM never was or ever will be. I am going to see her tomorrow-I know she is going to through the motions hoping veryone will feel sorry for her. After all mothers day is coming up. I am leaving on the 8th to be with my daughter and my NM may just once again be alone because no one wants her around. She is her own worst enemy. My sister told me tonight we all should just tell her that if she keeps this up-not listening to the drs or anyone-that she will have to go into the nursing home. I cant see that working but something has to give with her. Akso she told my oldest brother today that she is hope or is planning on dying this coming tuesday-the anniversary of my fathers death four years ago. What really is sad is that she lost her father on mothers day.

Lucky you that you have a handful of siblings to off-load on.
What's tearing is that we have the capacity to step into their shoes and know where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do, but I am also a believer of "don't bite the hand that feeds you!"
The reason I'm drawn to working with the aged, is because I care too much, but sadly people play on that. It would be way easier for us all to throw our hands in the air, walk away while saying 'you deal with it then'....but we don't and that's why you find us on places like this spilling our laments....lol
It's sad when one-half of a couple is left behind to cope into old age without the loving intimate support of their spouse. I feel for the poor darling and she's probably telling you the truth that she'd rather be dead.
The thing is, with aging, it's difficult to find something to give them a passion for life again, so it all spirals downhill into their own self-pity and bitterness. There is no perfect solution, but at least you have a quorum of helpers at your side to aid with the burden.
If you think she would react well to it, perhaps you could all get together and plan a mums-day meal and make a big thing of it by celebrating your dad on the day. Set a place for him. Put his photo there. Place a meal in his spot and indulge your mum into telling you the happiest moments she shared with your dad. It helps to know that she is not alone in missing him.
Cheers
ASympathiser

Oh I wish it was that simple with her. She is narisstic and we have to deal with that. Thank for your suggestions and kindness but nothing you suggested would work with her. She wants to be a martyr thus she acts the part. She is a bitter evil woman and frankly was terrible to my dad most of their lives. He loved her unconditionally but towards the end even he started shutting her off. She asked me not too long how she could change-she knows what she needs to do but refuses. Her theory is-she raised us so we owe her. I am the oldest and for years went out of my way to try and do things to make her happy or please her-nothing works. Like I said sadly she will probably spend not only the 8th alone but mothers day.

Oh I know exactly where you're coming from...too well...sadly!
We can only help those who wish to help themselves. It's the old addage of 'you make your own bed, so you lie in it'. Don't let it spoil your own mothers day celebrations. I gather your an aussie because of the up-coming mum's day? Me to.

After some very frustrating searching for a place for my mom, I found the perfect one today. NM is already pulling out every trick she can to make me feel guilty. You dont love me, you are throwing me out, you begged me to come here(not true my brother said his wife would leave him) I don't want to make new friends, I have the best friends in Michigan that I write to. Hello you are in Colorado! She plans to just stay in her apartment all the time. News flash I will only go once a week and she will call me with a list of things she needs......Well anyway that is how I plan it to work. We will pick her up for church on sundays. That is all I will commit too right now, the rest depends on her behavior. I know this is only the beginning of this ordeal......she will be moving june 1st. Of course we have to do that for her. I have resolved that if she insists on being miserable that is her choice, at least it wont be under my roof anymore! Right now I can hardly wait for it to be over, but know there are many tough times ahead. Stay strong everyone, do not be a pawn in the game. No manipulation, it is so old and unproductive. Love to all you caregivers and peace.
Marilyn

a couple of things here. Yesterday I went to see my NM and cleaned her closet out. Took me a good part of two hours. She was very appreciative and for that I am thankful. She continues not to too feel good and she continues to pester her dr complaining her anti-depressant isnt working. She dont give them a chance to work so of they arent helping. He had her on paxil two weeks ago-she gave it a week maybe two. Called and complained so he put her on 50mg zoloft. After a week she called and complained about that she upped it to 100 mg. She went a week and a half and once again complained so now he put her back on paxil. I have no idea what this dr is trying to do-except figure out what he can do to help her. She is seeing a gastrologist on weds and hopefully the stomach issue will be addressed

The other thing-I went to buy her a mothers day card today. It took me a half hour. I always try and find the one that is very impersonal. how sad! I found myself-picking up a card and it saying thank you for all you have done for me-you are the greatest mom-you were always there for me. What bs! Whats really sad that one of those mushy cards would really make her happy and yet I just cant do it. What about you? What does everyone do for their NM on mothers day.

To all of you who are suffering and dealing with trying to care for a narcissistic mother, check out: www.ezinearticles.com/things-narcissistic-mothers-and-narcissists-say. It will be a real eye-opener, trust me! If you have heard even one or two of these comments, you will gain some self-affirmation that you are not crazy!

sorry article was removed-would have loved to see it

Sorry, playagrandma - then just Google "things narcissistic mothers say" - I'm sure you will find page after page of the sarcastic and self-based rude remarks they come up with. Denigrating others makes their insecurity about themselves go away, temporarily .......also, just research narcissism - you will see how the false sense of self they have created causes so much trouble. They are no "authentic" people - they have grandiose opinions of themselves and live to control and manipulate others. There's a ton of info on it out there!!

Stay focused. I know it's hard work and a lot of self talk to keep your sanity. It appears you've figured it out. You aren't their target anymore. They will have to find someone else to receive their verbal abuse as they intend it to be received. It won't be you.

So I am not the only one who has trouble buying mother's day card-now I feel better-I will just get the most generic one I can find.

whats really hard for me is sending that generic card. I know she will be upset and probably hurt. A couple of my brothers send her real loving ones-its not that they want to but they cant handle the guilt. The problem with me is that she would read word for word and believe that I am thinking all those kind words about her-and I just cant do it. I actually have issues with cards and gifts on mother and fathers day. I feel its what we do for our parents on a day to day basis that should count. Not this one day of the year.

No, I think the issue still is what do YOU do to maintain YOUR sanity? If sending the mushy card will make her happy and less likely to hassle you, do it! Who cares if you feel a little hypocritical? I used to give my dad the FUNNY, cute cards, not the mushy ones, if that works any better.

It's so interesting that the topic of cards has been brought up......I have struggled with this for years!! I also have mixed feelings about the "lovey" cards, as that is NOT how I feel. I may be able to forgive, but not to forget, the abuse that I was subjected to as a child, I am still dealing with that today, and am still on the end of abuse from her even this week.
I guess the answer is to buy not a "generic" card, but one that expresses our very basic feelings, if you can find one........I try to look for ones that have pictures that are pleasing to her on the front but convey a very simple message for her to enjoy her day.......not the ones that say "you've been such a loving mother to all of us", "we love being at your home because you are so kind and welcoming to us", etc. (mostly because her home is OUR home and we are the ones who have tried to be kind and welcoming!
May I take a moment to wish all of you on this site a wonderful Mother's Day, one that YOU will enjoy in spite of everything - hope the rest of your family pampers and appreciates you!!

Well, my take on it is....
For all that my mother has or hasn't done. For all that she is or isn't in my eyes, I am alive because she gave birth to me. I have got to be thankful for that, right?
So although the card is never fitting in its wording, I take the plunge and buy one anyway, because no matter what it says, the point is that I am not playing the same game as her..intentional or not.
When she's gone and there's no more cards to buy, at least I can feel okay that I didn't fall into the same trap and live with my choices. So I swallow my hurt and pride and go for it. Make yourself feel good and pick something outrageously ridiculous, regardless of what it says or doesn't say. Afterall, its one day in the year and you know how you feel for the rest of the year anyway. It's just a card.

Wow! So much good stuff here! Fabulous insight! I find in uncanny how much we all have in common!

I have tried "killing her with kindness" however it just fosters a need formore preferential treatment and reinforces to her that she deserves it!! Going the other way doesn't work either because she just ignores it and pretends there's nothing wrong - she just waits it out until things change.
I have learned not to tell her anything negative about anything in my situation because she gets off on it. I wonder if she knows the meaning of "schadenfreude"!! (sorry I took psychology in college!) I also cannot tell her any of my plans in advance as she will plan her own tricks to sabotage them.
It IS a damned if you do, damned if you don't and that's because the major portion of their plan consists of the fact that you will never, ever please them and they are determined to let you know that! You CANNOT be better than them (I know, I don't need to be or want to be - this is from their perspective).

PS: The hardest things to conquer in their narcissism are: 1) their belief that they "own" you and that they can demand complete compliance with anything that they want;
and 2) their sense of entitlement from which they believe they are better than anyone else, and that they deserve only the best.
If anyone has a solution to conquering these two facets of narcissism I would welcome hearing from you!!

When I read your last post libracat, I chuckled to myself. Sometimes I can still reach down deep and find the absurd humour in something that generally and mostly sees me ripping my hair out. Thank goodness for humour! :)

I agree with you about the card ASympathiser! Normally I don't send a card because I just don't want to. I manage to forget and just take her to lunch or something. I never make a big deal of Mother's Day. However, I think I'll
adopt your plan this year and just buy a card and do the Mothers's Day thing because she is my mother and she did give me life! No more no less! Mother's Day cards usually, like Libracat said, have mushy versus of how we love our mothers, etc, etc - feelings which must of us just don't have! I just can't make myself buy one of those. Mine will be short and sweet - to the point - bingo done!

I think I said in an earlier post how very uncanny it is that all of us have so much in common! I read posts that I could sware were written by me. Too, I like your idea of finding the humor in some things that we read in posting. I have to say there is some one on this site who has the most wonderful profile picture. Look up "ladee". The profile picture says it all - you'll die from laughter!
I'd like to hear your thoughts. Much love to all of you!

golfgirl its really about the unspoken word, isn't it? I mean, we are all in the same boat, more or less, and even when we don't voice all of our issues, all the others can read between the lines while nodding heads in agreeance...lol.
Some days I'm like a rabid dog after dealing with my mother. Then there are the better days...the days where I can laugh at it all. I've come to appreciate those days a whole lot. Sometimes I sit and reminisce about how much time I had to myself which doesn't yet feel like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I wish I could have those days back and other times I realise that life is like that. We do what we do in each moment and bless the rest. :)

I really cant say I see any humor in my NM. The only time there is laughing is when all the siblings are together and we make fun of her and that my friends is sad but the way it is. Right now we are in a good place cause she really is having medical issues-most brought on with her smoking and poor eating habits. As a person I am trying to make sure she gets the medical attention she needs-as a daughter I am weary about that because once she is feeling better she will accuse me of interering in her life. So although I use the word guilt-deep down I really have no guilt because I know I have done the best I can for her and have for many years. Thankfully I I have a daughter that respects me and appreciates me as her mother and grandmother to my grandson and the end thats all I need.

playagrandma...the difference is that I wasn't raised by my mother. She left us when we were little and my Dad raised us kids on his own. My mother stepped back into the latter part of our lives and now expects us to take care of her because 'afterall, she gave birth to us and its her right'.
It's not about smoking or lack of care to her own body. It's not even about her arrogance in thinking its her right to expect such doting attention from us. For me, its about the lack of respect I receive at times even though I'm the only sibling willing to love & care for her, warts and all.
The fact that I cop it when she's not happy with her life is the claw, yet others not committing in her caregiving can't seem to do anything wrong in her eyes. That's what cruels it for me. That's the biggee!

Okay, I have a new one ( maybe not, we all seem to have dealt with so much). My lovely 84 year old NM and I tried to set up a pact to look after each other and be thoughtful. It's important to her because I am the only one who lives near her. I am after peace. She wants to be independent. So, a month ago, I arrange to go to church with her on Mother's Day,arrange for a corsage, and my family agreed to a lunch with her and a trip to her favorite craft store with a gift card. Today I call her to verify our plan. She has changed it all because one of my brothers has said he will come and help her with light bulbs that need to be changed, etc. They will actually sit on the porch and drink the drink of the hour: 9am- Bloody Marys,Noon - Wine with lunch, 2-Mimosas ..... You have the idea. I think I will find a kind looking lady on the street and give her the corsage. It is a shame we still feel hurt when we are old enough for AARP, isn't it?

RLP keep the corsage for yourself and don't give her anything-I would be real angery if it was me.

RLP...awww that's so sad. I can only imagine how hurt you feel :(
Shame you don't work in aged care like I do, as I know plenty of darling elderly ladies that would so love that corsage and a Mothers Day hug. I also imagine there'll be many Mum's who would give their eye teeth for a daughter like you on Mum's day.

I'm not sure if this qualifies as my Mum being narcissistic or not but my husband came home after work and Mum and I were sitting on the porch. He said hello to both of us and then we (he and I) chatted about his day. Mum is hard of hearing and let us know that she couldn't hear anything we were saying. We are down to one hearing aid now after loosing approx. 4! I explained that we were not "talking about her" just talking about things that wouldn't interest her. She got up, took her dog and left the room mumbling "come on, we'll go into our room and talk to each other." Like the dog is the only one that loves her! When I followed her in to explain that I just can't scream everything I say because every conversation is not directed at her, she accused us of being secretive. Why would I scream "honey, how was your day?" at my husband.....he has no problem hearing my normal tone. And how do you tell your Mum that you weren't talking to her without making her mad. She seems to take everyday little things as a personal attack on her. So the final outcome was she was mad at us, and "hurt" because I stood up to her! She complains so much and can't find the good in anything. We'd all be so much better off if she could try to see the positive side of life, but she never has and never will. Any thoughts?

It sounds like she is narcissistic it is all about her maybe by reenforcing that you need to talk to your husband alone and that it is not all about her and she see's she can not get you upset after a while it will sink in and her behavior will be better-there is no reason you have to yell when talking to your husband-if she gets mad maybe she will continue to spend time with her dog and give you a little peace and quiet-I was happy when my husband got mad becaues then he did things for himself and would not talk to me for hours-it was a blessing to have some peace and quiet and not have demand upon demand comming from him.