How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Playa they can turn it on and off so easily-she will get tired of being good-right now she wants to prove it was not her-when my mother thought she was dieing she still threw shit at me-and only me except the night before her stroke-she actually thnked me for get her a drink of water and did use my name-I was the last person she talked to before she died two days after her stroke. So many people thought she was a sweet old lady. I hope you stick around you have lots of experience to share I and another former caregiver joined a caregivers support group to help other going through it-we did not have that when we were caregivers-it will be 4 years soon that my husband died-so that makes 5 years since I started on AC.

Playa, wow, great you are free from NM. You are so used to the dysfunction that to live without it feels funny. Like you are missing something? Lol
You are creating the new normal. If you could just stop thinking about her. But just when you do she may pull something. Snicker, snicker. Wonder what?
Don't ask your golden brothers about her too much. It will take years that we don't have to reprogram yourself to not think about 'what if' 24/7. Notice I said "we." Many of us here with you wondering the same, dear one:) Do your thing and live for yourself. No worries. Check out lights house and read you're not alone.
Take care, xo

ChristinaW, thank you SO much for posting this link!! There is so much great information on here.....especially on narcissistic parents (I can never read enough about that!!) You did us a huge favor so thanks very much! I will probably spend this rainy day reading all of it!

Hi everyone-okay this really is harder than I thought it would be or maybe I will go through these different stage on accepting the fact that my NM has decided to turn a new leaf. Is it normal for me to have hurt feelings? I guess I should be happy that she isn't calling me and leaving nasty messages and I am about that. But I cant for the life of me figure out why now after all these years she has turned a new leaf. I mean not one complaint from anyone. Even my aunt, her sister said when she talks to her she never complains or bad mouths anyone. Excuse me? I guess I need to just put her in the back of mind-mothers day is approaching and once again I am troubled about sending a gift let alone a card and yet I think I should do both. Please help me!

She is manipulating you in the negative. Lol. She is still getting to you, and she knows it. Or, you finally drew the line, set your boundaries and it worked. What a shock, playa. Hope you don't feel guilty. Waiting for next shoe to drop...tick, tick
Whatever you do, enjoy your life. Be yourself, have some fun!
When you least expect it, all hell will break loose. Do not respond to it. Let them deal with it. Lalalalala I can't hear you! xoxo

Thank you so much Christina, that's exactly what I needed to hear. She seems to be content having her three sons cater to her needs. Of course they don't do half of what I did for her but

oops sorry -but I got accused of butting into her life. What is really disturbing is that she went from her butting in and constantly complaining to acting like she don't even care(well except if it deals with my baby brother-her golden child. It is still all about her. Yes I am sure one day the crap will hit the fan and she wont have to kick around or blame. Thank goodness I have my husband, my sister and my aunt-who are also puzzled with this sudden change and understand why I continue to wonder why this big change now

Playa, hysterical. They spend years programming people to be what they need, then if you upset the program they have to go to plan B. Let her formulate plan B, then derail that one. Next ?

Good morning everyone-thought I would drop in and say hello. Things continue to go good on the NM front. Good cause we have very little to do with each other. She never calls me and only call her every couple of months or so. I get reports from my one brother and my aunt. It still baffles that she has done this complete turn around. She seems to be in good health right now and the complaining is at a very minimal. She has a few issues but of course she isn't going to share them with me cause she knows I want answers and whys whereby the rest don't ask anything. Of course that has been her problem with me all along-that I tried to control her. My intention was never to control but help her. She continues to smoke in her duplex and has now been given a final warning-caught again and she is out. My hands are tied-the boys have no clue where she will go. I have made some inquiries and found at least one place that would take her. I past the info onto my one brother. Other than that, I want no part of it. Her whole attitude now tells me that she seems to be much better off without me. How long this will last, is anyones guess. Loving our new home close to our grandson. Hope everyone is having a great summer.

Hello,
This is not an answer. But I am going through a similar situation. My mom lies alot and steals and when something does not go her way she calls the police.
My heart goes out to you.

I would say don't go help her. I've noticed the old folks who's kids come around nurtured a more healthy style of relationship. This was the smart choice.

Let us conduct an experiment of the mind. As easily as 2+2=4 we all know that everyone at some point in our lives will need help from others.
So in our experiment you can ask yourself: Maybe I should try to not be a jackass all the time & try to treat people the way I want to be treated (2+2=4)? or ... Should I run everyone off by being a jerk (2+2= whatever I say it is)?
To me this is pretty simple stuff, the person who doesn't know 2+2=4 is beyond hope. Might as well be trying to convince someone soap is good, wipe your butt, brush your teeth.

Typically the never wrong always right personality has patterns of self deceit, with projected expectations of acknowledgment that are often supported by verbiage. "No one ever gave me nuthin" says my dad. Perfect, obviously he won't ever need anything. I'm saving "you need a more optimistic outlook" (I'm a single dad with autistic child, I can only work so much, his mom is a nightmare criminal, any lament I might have has been labeled as whining) & saving "we all have difficulties" for a rainy day. Someday as Bernie sits in his soiled adult diaper that he claims he can't change just because he can't walk I'll have the perfect answer. His. "When there's a will there's a way." "You need to have a more positive outlook."

My mom and dad's doctor has said that my mom has Alzheimer's. She flat out told me and my sister. We never knew. My dad is the last stages of pancreatic cancer and my mother is his wife of 63 years. I know the doctor told her, but no one has told us until 2 months ago, when my dad became ill. I thought that her age of 81 was the cause of the confusion and narcisstic behavior with me and anyone else, who stays too long. I am the only child living here, actually next door. She calls me real sweetly if she needs help with my dad. My dad DID take the tests for dementia and etc... he does not have it.
I am at wits end with my mother. She yells and screams at me, calls me the "boss", because I am constantly asking her to finish our care with my dad, being he is incontinent. She forgets about his pills, if I'm gone, etc.... My dad has to remind her if he did or not... If he poops, she yells and screams at him, then afterwards, talks to him like a baby, and is real sweet with him. My question is: she knows I am the only one here that helps her. No family, or friends come around anymore, or call for that matter. Except when my older brother or anyone of his kids calls, then she knocks me down to get to the phone. Even if we are in the middle of caring for dad. My brother calls constantly after we found out the diagnosis.. Never did before that. But he talks sweet to mom and accuses dad of all the wrong things. I just need help to still be here for my dad, but HOW do I handle her? I come home(next door) just to get away from her.. I hate to leave my dad alone, but I would lose what sanity I have left, If I stayed there 24/7.... I do all the chores and take care of my dad, along with his physician, home health and now hospice. Any helpful information on dealing with this without losing my mind? I am disabled myself, and she won't spend the money on anyone to help out... The brother and my 2 sisters have not offered, even though I asked. Help, of any kind would be appreciated.

Simple answer, get rid of her any way you can. My mother was the mother from hell and I can't begin to describe what I went through my whole life. She died a few weeks ago ... good riddance.

Today was the kick in the teeth day.. I walked in on her conversation with a family friend. My mother said that I will do nothing to help with the care of my incontinent dad. Sure she helps around the house, but she won't spend the night and help me. She has me all day long, except for errands, groceries etc... I live next door and when I leave at nighttime, my dad is clean and comfortable.. She ignores him and pretends she is sleeping. He then tries to clean his self... She won't call me, because of the mess and she doesn't want me to see the neglect. I can't stay there 24/7 or I will have to be committed, it's hard enough for me already, without the way she tells everyone she is the only one who takes care of dad.. I don't know if they actually believe her, since she is in her 80's and cannot keep one story straight from another. The should realize that how can a 80 year old woman be able to take care of her bedridden, incontinent husband? thanks for letting me vent.... I can't kick her to the curb, no one else will pick up the pieces if I leave

They can get us in a corner, for sure. Your mother was having her "oh poor me" moment in the conversation at your expense.

I have been giving so much thought on all the parts of ourselves we sacrifice in order to help our parents. Pretty soon we end up being this false front of a person we call a caregiver. I wonder if instead of denying there is a problem and letting things slide off our back repeatedly if there is a way for us to keep being ourselves. In this situation, the caregiver side would say to just ignore it and keep on doing the things we need. After all, it is because she is old and ill, etc. The real person, though, knows the attack was unfair and wants to call the mother on it.

So how do we handle caregiving without adopting a 24/7 false front with difficult parents? It seems to me that caregiving would be easier if we would just be ourselves.

thank you Jessie.... Until I found this website, I was totally lost. I thought that I was the only person who had a hateful, deceitful mother. I thought it was me doing something wrong. I did things and put my whole life on hold for going on about 15 years. After, reading other posts this year, I finally found the courage to look at what was happening to me as opposed to what my mother was doing to me and my dad.
I love my dad very much, now he is absolutely her captive audience. He cannot walk and is incontinent. His mind is still sharp.
I find him confused and hallucinating after I go to a dr appointment or gone for more that 4 hours. Thinking it's the pancreatic cancer making him like that. I stay and make him better, only to be berated at everything.
This site has really enlightened me. Taking the confusion, humiliation, guilt off of my shoulders. I'm not there completely, due to my dad's condition. I do speak up more now, and have told my dad the reasons why.. He accepts that, but she has hidden the truth from him too.
Please pray for my dad, so that his last days on earth are peaceful.
thanks again to everyone, I need the strength from all of you to empower me to be strong from this abuse..

BeachRose my goodness you nailed it. I have gone through a similar situation with mother and siblings and am finally mastering the art of dealing with toxic bullies. Your solution is similar to mine. Avoidance is highly effective as a reaction is like honey to those stinging bees. I have found a new family tribe and all of you must do the same. Anyone can give birth. My mother gave birth to me but she was not a true mother so I've moved on . There is an ocean of love out there and no need to stay in the desert.

caregiving - I agree - they want a reaction from you showing that they have succeeded in hurting or upsetting you. All family is not by blood.

My mother is Satan in disguise. Verbal abuse, physical abuse--you name it--I am the child who isn't in denial about her mental illness (there are case files upon files to back me up on that) and her mistreatment of me. Two of my siblings don't care because my sister is very similar to her and one of my brothers chose to run away and ignore her--which causes her to sing his praises--that's how twisted she is!
There are times when I must deal with her and when I do she throws all sorts of insults and threats at me. I am at the point where I am contemplating filing charges against her for libel but I fear that it will only make matters worse. I don't like two of my siblings but I want to have a civil relationship with them after my mother passes on. My mother has always tried to divide and conquer the family--just the other day trying to pit me against my lovely niece in a toxic competition. That's what she is good at. Pitting one child against the other so that only the ones who are willing to lie and sing her praises are left standing. Unfortunately, there are some who are willing to take advantage of a narcissistic mother, if they are not the target of her bitterness and hatred. I am not going to let myself become a victim. My father wanted the best for me and I am not not going to allow her to ruin my life. She is steaming mad that I don't allow her to break my spirit, that I continue to succeed in spite of her attempts to ruin me, and that people continue to love me. Ever since I got healthier and stay away from toxic siblings and false friends, her wrath has increased. Getting healthy is the best way to get the goat of a narcissistic mother. She's so mad she could spit and I have not doubt that she will do her best to make my life a living h3ll until the day she breathes her last breathe.

My mother was a first class narcissist and it has taken years and years of therapy to stop feeling responsible for her behavior. As an adult, I still feel overly responsible. Most therapists agree that narcissists can not be treated because they never see anything wrong with their own behavior. They never take responsibility for their own behavior either. Their behavior is unfathomable to most, until you begin to recognize the behaviors of a narcissist. Whatever they do, it is always about them--never about you. When you have a conversation with a narcissist, it always becomes about them-never about you or your needs. In fact, many narcissists unable to recognize that other people truly exist. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to leave them or cut off a relationship. You can't negotiate with a narcissist because you will always lose.
Of course leaving or cutting the ties is triply hard when you see a narcissist in distress. Sometimes, the only solution is let them fail.
Others gave you excellent advice about actions to take to protect yourself. Don't get sucked back in by her current crisis. Step away and let others deal with her. My advice may sound flip, but narcissists are soul-deadening people. Do take of yourself. Please find a professional who has treated narcissists. If you work with such a therapist, then you will come to understand how deadly they are. Stay strong as you deal with your mother's issues and behaviors.

I have had a tough life but I am a survivor. If only I had the brains to learn long ago what I know now, I could have spared myself so much pain. If one is unfortunate enough to have a family or friends or a spouse who is extremely difficult, nasty, and all that goes with that personality - you have one choice and only one choice. You and you alone can decide what to do about it. If you have the brains and the guts and care even the slightest tiny bit about yourself, WALK AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. I had to do this a long time ago and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do and it nearly killed me when it was happening. But in time I learned I did the ONLY right thing I could have done and realized it was the BEST move I ever made. Once I realized that I did what I had to do, I was the happiest and most blessed soul alive. Never, ever allow anyone - no matter who or what the circumstances are - to manipulate you and most likely destroy you. LEAVE AND GO ON TO A BETTER LIFE AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. Don't look back.

Life can be very difficult if you are forced to deal with very mean, abusive people. There comes a point in life when YOU have to make a decision - accept the torment or leave and live a better life in peace. Chances are you can't change them, nor would they want to if you could - but you can choose to first do whatever you can for them. But the day will come where if you stay and put up with it, they will destroy you and the rest of your life - don't let that happen. You don't deserve this. The hardest thing ever may be walking away and it may hurt terribly and cause great anxiety. But, based on personal lifetime experiences, there are times you must walk away and never look back. And I guarantee you - as God is my judge - the day will come where you will realize you did the only thing you could do and it was the right thing to do. And you will be better off and have a happier life. No owes anything to people who are nasty and abusive, ever!

all I want is to have Kctcc, investigated for mental an physical abuse.

She could still be grieving and relies on you a little bit too much but also it could be behavioural and she could think that if she makes you feel guilty you will give in , try explaining to her that her behaviour is not acceptable and you will only help her if she respects you and she might change

She could still be grieving and relies on you a little bit too much but also it could be behavioural and she could think that if she makes you feel guilty you will give in , try explaining to her that her behaviour is not acceptable and you will only help her if she respects you and she might change

Nothing. If a parent wants to be left alone-respect their wishes. Live your own life. You have no idea how blessed you are being a caregiver to my mom for 8 years and she 100% depends on me for everything and I have no life of my own. I even sacrificed my own retirement and savings for her. I don't regret it though--I love my mom. She means everything to me. But I did have to sacrifice myself for her. Perhaps you blessed that you can live your own life.

Wow she sounds like my Mother in Law. She might need some anti-anxiety medicine. I noticed a HUGE difference in my mother in law since she was put on a low dose. Be good to yourself, maybe wear earbuds and keep the music low when you are with her. I eventually just went someplace in my mind when mine was really bad. Tuned her out so to say. I find reading people's situations on this site very helpful. You are not alone.

The best way to deal with a narcissist is not at all. Trust me when I say I have some experience on dealing with a narcissist, I really do. They really don't want you to be happy, but they want you miserable like them. When you're happy they can't stand it and they try to bring you down and ruin that happiness. The best thing you can do right now is to do it she says and mind your own business and just not help her no more. Just leave the situation and move on with your own life. If you're living with her or just visiting just quit coming around and change your number as well as the locks on your door. Cut her completely out of your life if she's going to act like that and don't fall for anything she says because narcissists don't mean it. They have a very strong tendency to love bomb. Love bombing is there a clever way of sucking you in to their trap and you don't know it until it's too late. There's also such a thing as gas lighting, you may want to watch YouTube videos on narcissists to gain a better understanding to what you're going through right now. Learn all you can and what to do about narcissists. You will learn that the best thing you can do is to leave the situation and not look back. You have a right to be happy without the narcissist even in your life. Don't share anything with her anymore and don't except no phone calls or any other contact as long as she's acting like that. These kinds of people normally never change, don't expect it

This post sent me off to You-tube and I saw an excellent video on covert narcissism. Bingo! I think that is what a lot of us are dealing with. These people tend to be shy and often isolate themselves. They are very self-centered and feel entitled. They lack empathy, though they may feign it when needed. Funny enough they also overdo the empathy act like they're copying something they see on TV. They even steal the lines. It was an interesting video. The advice was to get away from the narcissist because they are abusive. They use guilt trips, self pity, and gaslighting and can often make someone feel like they are the one who is the problem. The abuse can be so subtle that it is tough to put a finger on any certain thing. Crazy making. If you get a chance go to You-tube and look for covert narcissist by Richard Brannon, Spartan Lifecoach.

But look at me being negative again.

Playagrandma,
I'm 60 and in the same situation. Just had hip replacement surgery 2 1/2 weeks ago and my MIL keeps after my husband about why I can't come and see her.
My husband and I have been married 39 years, but she still insists on being the center of our lives. Here is what you have to do.
1. Make sure she's in a good facility with dedicated caregivers.
2. Determine how often you will see her and still maintain your own life and interests, downtime, etc.
3. Unless her therapist understands narcissism and BPD, etc and your mother is suddenly willing, this latest therapy is going nowhere.
4. Get yourself into therapy so they can teach you how to disconnect emotionally, so you can still do the things your mother needs but don't get destroyed in the process.
5. Establish boundaries I.e., one phone call a day, one visit per week, no rants etc.
6. Your mother is trying to make you fill a hole in her life that cannot be filled. Stop being Party to it. She was the adult in your relationship.
7. Ask your therapist for a book about narcissistic mothers. Read it, so you can solidify the concept that you are not a terrible person.
8. Squelch and tendencies in your own life to treat your children the way she treats you.
9. Accept that she's probably not going to change, but don't accommodate her whims and power plays.
10. Number 4 is the most important point here.:) I wish you a happy, fulfilling life and strength and patience and courage to say "No".