Follow
Share

My mother in law has always been incontinent and controlling. For the past 9 years i was the nurse mate. I was expected to clean her sheets and wait on her while she visted.
She know wonts to come and stay for the holidays and stay overnight. She is extremely incontinent , non mobile and on oxygen. She refuses to wear two attends when she vists.she lives in a exclusive retirement community , in which she also, has private aides round the clock. She is also jealous of my 94 year old grandmother who lives with us. Unfortunately wheb she vists i have to ship my sweet grandmother off to stay with other family memebers. My grandmother is delightful and a huge help to and my gamily. My MIL has always expected to be waited on. I told my husband she can come for the day ans teturn home or bring her aides. Also, she will start to put the guilt trip on my husband. She will start to complain how she has to pay double time for aides on the holidays. She has the means she is not poor by any means. Due to the incontinence when she gets up in the morning her attends are soaked , egen she stands her bladder leaks on the carpet. In the past i have used rennents around the room. My house is not set up for her use. She needs help going to the bathroom. Anyway everyone says the samething she should come w her aide or just xome for the day. Trying to get my husband to understand is the problem. He does his share when she is here. I just dont know what to do. I cant help to feel resentment towards her. I cant be controlled by her. Oh yes sje uses money to control my husband.
I dont wont to subject my little to her unkindness. Please help me, my husband and i fight about this all the time many thanks

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Well that's good news!! I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your immediate family.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Thank you all for your support.
Yes, i do have a small child and at
Times she is not so nice to him.
Her daughter died 3 years ago this is why she is so angry at the world. I do fell sorry for her at times. My husband does understand so therefore, my MIL will not be coming.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Being sick won't necessarily let you off easily. I would have the full blown flu and I still had to get up, change my mom's pamper, suction her trache, etc.. The same applied when I was suffering with severe abdominal pain in which I almost fainted from movement. I just had to do mom very, very slowly and very very carefully.

How desperate are you for your husband to realize how very difficult it is for you to care for his mother? This is drastic measure. I don't want to cause a problem with your marriage but how far you're willing to go.

If you're taking Grandma to the relatives, once you reach there, call husband and tell him that you love him but he needs to know how much you have done for him with regards to his mother. You are taking a mini vacation while he can have quality time with his mother. And experience what it's like to take care of her personal needs.

You know your husband. Do you think this is an option for you?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'll bet hubby wouldn't put up with this if things were reversed..........If my wife forced a situation like this on me it would be our day of reckoning.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Uh oh, I made another mistake in referring to your mother when I should have meant your grandmother. Sorry, my apologies.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I actually like Maggie's idea, if hubby needs to get a nice firsthand dose of what having his mom/your MIL really means...though you stipulate that he's doing his chare - does that include mopping up pee, getting odors out, and defending you from various barbs sent your way? If he really does not, and if feigning illness is not your style (of course if it is, you would be terribly worried that MIL could catch it from you, too...YOU need to go with your grandmother. Maybe they can call and indicate their need for you to come over and help out.

OK, that sounds good, but ideally you should not have to resort to trickery, you and hubby should be able to find another way to deal besides you having to do all that care and be miserable for the holiday, AND, worst of all, have to banish your GM - that part is, frankly, terrible and really not right.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

"Oh, my God, honey. I am sooo sorry. I'm sicker than a dog today. I'm afraid it's all on you. If I get around your mom? She'll kill me. I'm a mess."

Keep your eyelids half-closed. Keep as much nasal in your voice as you can. Hold on to the door jamb or walls for support. And peek your head out of your room halfway thru the day to extend your apologies to your MIL. Soooo sorry!!!

You're welcome.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

One possibility is to spend the holidays with MIL, just for the day, depending on how far away she is. Your could prepare the food, bring it and just warm it up. That would also avoid the inconvenience of her having to travel. If your own mother is able to travel, she could come as well, or as you've done in the past, she could spend the day with relatives, or better yet, the relatives could visit her at your home while you're gone.

It's hard on your husband - he probably wants to see his mother and have her for a visit but knows that she's not cooperative. So maybe going to her place would solve the problem, and avoid the issue of traveling with oxygen as well as the need for additional assistance.

A more cumbersome option is to require that she bring her care person with her to help out as it's just too much for you and your husband.

I don't know where you live but when elderly people travel for the holidays, my concern is always for their safety if they're in northern climates. Cars break down, roads get slippery, you have to have a lot of extra back-up gear in case anything happens, so it really raises the safety stakes for them to travel.

And if she travels by car and brings her oxygen tanks, and if anything happens such as a traffic jam, car trouble, etc., there's always the issue of adequate oxygen. I used to carry a full backup tank when we traveled just to medical appointments, and that was in the summer.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.