Follow
Share

He has no personality issues and has no bad behavior. My DIL says my son is too busy and not responsible to aid in any care. She does not work but has made it clear this is not her family. She believes my young grandchildren will be confused by Papa's lack of any executive skills. He had EOAD. She has asked my son to take a "break" from us as he needs his family to come first. I don't want to create any marital problems for my son so we have just remained silent and alone.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I can't help but consider the example the DIL and son are setting for their own children. God forbid dementia strikes either of them in their old age and they want and need some compassion from their children. Payback can be a b%^h
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think there are two ways of looking at this. First, DIL is right because executive function or lack thereof is scary for children. And second, two can play DIL's game.

What are the symptoms of your husband's EOAD? You specifically mention executive function but that is a huge range of possibilities.

Sounds like your son needs to grow up. No one can control another person unless the person allows them to. Period. The kids are his children too. If your son wants his children to know his grandparents then he needs to make the effort. Why not invite your son and his kids to have lunch at your house where your husband feels most comfortable? Lunch need not be a long affair.

This really is about your son deciding for himself whether or not it's important to him for his kids to have a relationship with his parents. If he doesn't start acting like a father when the kids are still young, it will be too late and your grandchildren will learn all the wrong things from their dad being a wimp.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I have the feeling that DIL is a selfish person -- my kids, my husband, my life. I think you are right not to try to go against her. She would probably work even harder to separate you from your son and grandchildren. Maybe she will mellow out as she gets older and you can have a relationship with them. I would just keep showing the son all the caring you can when you can. He is probably feeling torn.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

"My DIL says my son is too busy and not responsible to aid in any care.. ." She has asked my son to take a "break . . ."
With these statements, it appears to me that she may be a controlling person. My ex was an extremely controlling individual and I can hear him saying the above. I am wondering what your son is saying or does the DIL speak for him? It may be that he is telling her to say these things so that he doesn't need to speak or he is just trying to keep the peace as he has to live with her.
If he isn't speaking up, then I would have to agree with the others, in that, you need to give him space, getting it into your mind that there will be no help from him or, perhaps, seeing the grandchildren.
In my case, my grand-daughter (turned 3, first week in August) spends the night with me every Wednesday. Mom enjoys her visits and GD enjoys them as well. GD includes Mom in all of the activities here, dancing, singing, games, etc., she chooses to help Mom get ready for bed, she watches Mom eat and reminds Mom not to eat her napkin, etc. GD will look at me when Mom says or does something not the norm and I tell her that Old Mam's (that's what GD calls her) mind doesn't work right sometimes. If and when there comes a time when I need to shield her from something Mom is doing I will do that as not to be traumatized GD. Mom hasn't roamed the halls at night, at least not on Wednesday's yet, I think GD wears her out! It helps that GD is a very sound sleeper if that happens. So, far GD doesn't seem to be fazed by anything, perhaps I have an exceptional GD.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You respect her wishes, and try your best to change her mind. As disappointing as it is, those are her children and she makes the decisions concerning them. If you go against those wishes, she will most likely keep you from seeing the grandchildren as well. The children will most likely be confused by an adult not functioning the way other adults do, but whether or not this will be in the best interests of the children is not up for me or anyone else but the parents to decide.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Well I was trying to be diplomatic, but since everyone else is saying it...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

DIL is an ignorant cow; and the worst I may hope for DIL is that one day she will be in a parallel situation - Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid still has a way of coming back to bite us...

God forbid. Right, now I've got that off my chest:

DIL is an ignorant cow. But she is nevertheless your son's wife, and your grandmother's children, and there is nothing to be gained - as you quite rightly appreciate - by entering into any sort of conflict with her. Being as ignorant as she is she may genuinely fear that the children will be confused at best, very frightened at worst, by their grandpa's strange reticence, most especially because their mother is likely incapable of explaining to them what is going on; but I suspect that Pam is right to guess that your son is grieving very badly and DIL wants to get him away from the source of the pain.

Actually, she can't. Because the source of Son's pain is the reality that your poor DH, his father, has been attacked by this evil thing. But DIL doesn't sound like the kind of person who really sits down and thinks things through. Not if she believes that Son will feel better for running away from his family and pretending that this isn't happening.

But you can help your son by giving him permission to do whatever helps him cope best. Talk to him, do your best to set his mind at ease, and meanwhile make arrangements to be well supported in caring for your husband without relying on your son's help.

Does your husband miss your son and his family? Does he ask to see them?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

And, actually, DIL seems somewhat selfish in my opinion. She's definitely not supportive.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

CWilie's suggestion of educating the DIL is a good one. I agree that some people don't really have an idea what dementia involves.

But I think your DIL has her own agenda:

"My DIL says my son is too busy and not responsible to aid in any care. She does not work but has made it clear this is not her family."

That's a very revealing statement. I doubt if she'll ever support you but will try to keep your son away from helping. I don't see a good resolution to this situation.

And given her attitude, I'd follow CWillie's suggestions of get togethers away from your house so your husband can still see the grandchildren but in a neutral setting so hopefully DIL won't act out and scuttle the visit.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Pam, he "has no personality issues and has no bad behavior" so I doubt your parable applies in this case.
Some people are afraid of dementia or any kind of mental disability because they expect the person to suddenly break out with they kind of bizarre behaviour mentioned above and they are often not willing to be educated out of their stereotypical views. Maybe if you arrange for family get togethers at a neutral location such as a kid friendly restaurant, park with a playground or another relative's home they will have the opportunity to see that dementia isn't necessarily as scary as they imagine.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Young children WILL be confused and possibly traumatized. A five year old was witnessing his Alzheimer's grandpa wander the house naked at night in a total state of confusion. The result was emotional outbursts in school and a need for counseling; the grandfather was then relocated.
Your son is afraid to tell you he is traumatized by what he sees. Take that to heart and get professional care for your husband.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.