Dad is having dementia. Don't want to go nursing home can't afford it. 21 yr old Daughter is having emotional prob on her own too not living with her dad. Her aunt is the POA wants her to take care of her dad but she can't handle it and doesn't want to. She doesn't know all the meds he's taking and her dad don't want to be in nursing home. No money to pay for it he had a vet benefits. Dad not taking his meds either. Can't be able to cook his own food anymore had his own breathing tank. Cant walk much. Slight heavy guy.

Daughter still in school and hv her part time job and keep checking her dad during her free time. Daughter just dont know what to do on her dad who starting to forget everything. And his renteng an apt. Daughter cant access his account so that she can pay his bills but he said his changing the password and he forgot what it is. Daughter is very emotionally stress on her dad and on her own too, boyfriend dumped her ..and her friends don't want to be with her anymore so shes really have her own prob too.

Her aunt who have a POWER OF ATTORNEY is 80 yrs old and wants her to take care of her dad but daughter refuses it. Bcoz she can't do it. she's so angry and depressed of the situation her mom an x wife of her dad dont know what to do either they both dont know where to ask on these situation. Dad's sister a POA doesn't know what to do either cos dad dont want to stay in nursing home he so stubborn. Daughter and dad can't get along much. Daughter can't decide what to do. Is it ok to just transfer him to nursing home against his will? So we want to know WHAT, WHERE ,HOW and WHO to ask about these matters. please help thank you

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It is true that the OP, the 21 year old daughter, does not have POA and therefore does not have any authority to make decisions for her father.

And it is true that it is the aunt who, given POA, ought to be sorting this out.

But the aunt *isn't* sorting it out, she seems unable to see past the single idea of dumping the work on the daughter. That being so, the OP is not helpless - she is still completely free to contact the social care organisations for her father's area and seek their advice.
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If the 21 yr old daughter is not the medical or financial Power of Attorney, she can make no decisions regarding the father's care.

The daughter may try having a calm conversation with dad about the wisdom of having an aged person as his PoA as she may die before he does, and then there's a problem for the dad. He could consider making daughter his Durable PoA. You can download those documents for about $30 at and have them ready for the dad to sign. If he doesn't do this then...

The only circumstances daughter can control is her own. If I were she, I would move out, even temporarily. This is to prevent the constant pressure of caring for a person who needs way more than the daughter is able to give. Never mind willing. Even if she were willing, this forum community would all say NO to her being a caretaker at 21.

If she moves out then the scope of the dad's needs can be clearly seen. The aunt would need to make some decisions on the dad's behalf. If she is not taking care of him then daughter should call social services and report him as a vulnerable adult. This may be difficult to watch and carry out, but it may be the only pathway.

Daughter, you may love your dad (and auntie) but they have no idea what they are asking you to sacrifice, plus at your age, it is just too much for you to handle. Have confidence and don't give in to family pressure. You can go onto other forums here and read the sad tales of young people stuck in a truly dead-end situation from caregiving that they weren't cut-out for, and the ensuing burnout and bitterness. Make sure this isn't you. Blessings!
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worriedinCali Aug 2019
Dad has dementia and may not be able to sign legal documents.....
Daughter, have you sought out counseling services at your school? Do you have any affiliation with a religious institution? You need someone yourself, RIGHT NOW, to help you navigate the burdens of your situation.

Your aunt and his ex wife (your mom?) are in a desperate and hopeless situation just as you are, and it MAY be of help to ALL of you if you are able to find a source of help FOR YOURSELF, if only just someone to talk to, OUTSIDE the circle of your family.

What your father WANTS is not as important a consideration for you RIGHT NOW as what he NEEDS. You are correct in realizing that you CANNOT take care of him and your aunt CANNOT take care of him, and his ex wife CANNOT take care of him. So what do you need to be doing right now?

If your father NEEDS to be in residential care then THAT IS WHAT MUST HAPPEN. You need the advice of doctors and people who are TRAINED in managing the needs of old people with dementia AND MEDICAL ISSUES. Your father’s demands are NOT important right now. He is SICK, his brain is BROKEN, and he is no longer able to be responsible for himself.

YES, if you have been able to arrange a connection with a PLACE where he can receive the care he NEEDS, it is not only RIGHT to do this but it is also the RESPONSIBILITY of the family who loves him.

PLEASE GO TODAY when you get to school, and make a connection with your school’s counseling service. If you are told there is none, walk into your nearest hospital emergency ward and ask for help with a crisis.

You have explained your situation well. BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF now, and find someone to talk to in person, then explain to your aunt and your dad’s ex what you’ve learned.

Someone is always here for you to talk to. Come back and let us know what you've found to help you.
Helpful Answer (2)

This is your aunt's problem, not yours. The reason your father gave her POA is that he trusted her to make decisions in his best interests; but that does NOT give your aunt any authority over you. She will have to think of something else. She has accepted responsibility for taking action to protect him.

It would be helpful if you had filled in your profile so that we can see roughly where you are; but in any case, assuming you're in the States, you can look up Adult Protective Services or the Area Agency on Aging for your county or state online, and find contact details for people who can advise you on what to do.

Try not to blame your aunt - she's 80 years old, and it wouldn't be surprising if your father's needs are beyond her, so you can see why she'd try to unload them onto you even if that isn't the right step to take. It's okay - there will be other ways to make sure your Dad gets the help he needs.

Good luck, come back if you need help finding the right people to call, and let us know how you're getting on.
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