Daily money manager for my parents, any suggestions?

If you are 21 your parents must be fairly young. You need to move on and live your life. If your parents are of sound mind, they are making their own bad decisions and will have to live with the results. DO NOT pay any of their bills. At some point they'll have to apply for Medicaid and their retirement won't by very nice. Learn from this. Get a job, save your money, live to your means and someday have a nice retirement. Do NOT let them drag you down and hold you back from all life has to offer!!

Hi AJ, I see your Dad has dementia and is living in Assisted Living. Where is the money for that coming from? Do they have assets but not much income? Where does Mom live? Would she agree to 'go on a budget'?
Understand that you are NOT responsible for their bills. Still helping them to conserve and live within their means is a worthwhile endeavor. One idea that has been tossed around is to remove all credit/debit cards from their possession and provide them with a VERY low balance card. If you think they need daily monitoring, I doubt even that would work.

I don't pay bills for them out of my own pocket, but I still have to sit down and sift through their finances for them, write their checks, call insurance companies, etc. Both of them are living in a townhome now, but who knows how long that will last. (I updated my profile's information.)

My biggest fear is I set them loose to only to go live my life but then have to drop everything and come home because I find out they're on the streets or something. I feel like it's a deal with now or later kind of situation and I feel so trapped. Some days I feel like I'm laying on the bottom of the ocean trying to breathe under the weight of miles of water. I'm miserable, and it's affecting my ability to well at work, school, and at home with my boyfriend. 

My thoughts:
-Make all income direct deposit.
-Set up expenses (all that can be) as auto bill-pay from same account.
-Cancel all debit, credit and ATM cards.
-Provide them with a pre-paid card for monthly or weekly expenses not covered by auto bill-pay.
---- If you don't live near them, I think you can set up auto bill-pay to pay you directly (into your bank account) thru pay-pal for the cost of the pre-paid card, which you can then mail to them. (Keep very good documentation in case they will need Medicaid.)
-Direct all paper bills and other important mail to your address so you're not 'chasing' down issues/problems.

All of the above is with the understanding that they wouldn't actually try to go to the bank and make withdrawals themselvs.

Good evening aj,
You sound like such a responsible person, but you are feeling like you are drowning because what you are trying to do is way too much for you. I won’t say it is impossible, but at 21, it is hard to believe that you will manage to pull this off. We had to take over my parents’ finances years ago because of a similar situation and they were about to lose their house, but we were all in our 40’s and had years of experience in making our own financial decisions and budgets. 
     My sister, who is a CPA, was the obvious choice to be in charge and she did it for years, guiding them through a bankruptcy, and trying to recover money that my father squandered. She became so stressed that she almost had a nervous breakdown and it hurt her marriage, so she passed it on to my older brother. He had similar issues until he took total control and arranged it so they were unable to access their money without his approval. That is the only thing that saved my parents from losing everything, but not before my father took out an equity loan on the house. We have no idea where this money went. 
    Even with these safeguards, managing someone else’s money and welfare is a huge undertaking, and I have seen him too stressed out over insurance, medical bills, taxes, etc., and that is even with the rest of us helping him with it.
       My first thought is that you need more help than the wonderful people on this forum can give. Many of them have a lot more experience than I have with this, and hopefully they can give you more places to turn, but I think you may want to start with Adult Protective Services. Don’t take no for an answer. Is there any other relative to give advice? Call your local APS. You need some actual boots on the ground support in all this. I was very concerned with your description of being crushed by a wall of water. At 21, that would have been my feeling too, if I had had to face what you are trying to do. Please come back to tell us how you are doing.

I am surprised no one suggested an elder law attorney. If Dad has Dementia, then his POA kicks in. Mom, it depends on how the strke effected her reasoning. An attorney will tell ur rights. Suggestions having bills paid electronically withdrawn is good idea. You can monitor from your computer. Maybe you can transfer their money to a new acct that they can't withdraw from.

AJ, your parents' situations is extremely unusual. They are both very young for their respective conditions. Their financial situation sounds like a minefield. And you are 21.

Given the complexities and the risks, and while I hate to stereotype, my first guess is that this is WAY above what would be any kind of reasonable expectation of your administrative skills. Find out what their alternative options are. If you vote with your feet and resign your POA, you will probably find that the state will step in and they will be assigned a court-appointed guardian.

I'm sure you do want to stay involved, and I'm sure you love them very much, and that will remain the case - you won't be barred from contact with them, or anything unthinkable like that. But this is a crazy burden of responsibility: not fair on you, risky for them. Get help!

Get the help as has been suggested. There may be free legal help available especially if there is a local law college nearby.
As they are both on SSDI push them both to apply for Medicaid. There are also many resources available for low income people including low income housing. It is doubtful if they will ever change their habits so it is essential for them to be prevented from stupidities. this will be a huge full time job and far too much for one person to handle especially at 21. it will just ruin your life.
Start with APS and go from there.

We had a similar situation with my elderly aunt. She spent tons of money for 87 years and had nothing when she had to go into assisted living. I sat her down and showed her the numbers. i told her that it was black and white. This is what comes in and this is what goes out. This is what you get to spend. End of discussion. I do buy her all of her personal supplies, but she does not get any money for her cigarettes or anything else that is considered "extra." She has thousands of dollars of outstanding credit card debt and we have told them we are sorry, but they will not be paid and they will be put on a list for an estate settlement which will be nothing of course. I am sorry that your parents have put you in this situation. You may need to enlist the help of an older sibling, aunt, or uncle to help you set the tone. It is tough to tell your parents how they need to behave..........

AJ, please take the advise offered her, elder law attorney, Adult Protective Services and other family members. To help someone that has a lifetime of bad decision making about money is truly impossible. My dad worked hard, made good money and spent more than he earned habitually, now you can fit everything he owns in tha back of a pick up and it doesn't even go above the bed. So sad and so expected, this is the end result of poor financial management. I am now in control of his money, I pay his bills, he is in assisted living so his food , utilities etc are all inclusive. I take him to Wal-Mart 2x monthly so he can buy dog food, treats for himself, clothing etc and all of this is done from the 75.00 a month cash I give him for what bots above. I bring him all of his personal hygiene items which I buy using his money. I took all of his debit, CC and acct numbers to make it as hard as possible for him to get at his money. By doing this I have been able to pay outstanding debts as well as start putting a little into savings for what it's. I do this without payment, I figure that I would rather pay his debts then myself, make sure if you charge your parents there is a contract for the agreement, be very clear about what services you will provide and how much compensation you will receive for these services, put a time frame and renew contract annually. If you don't then if your parents need Medicaid any money you received could be viewed as gifts and create penalties for them, like no benefits type penalties, very serious.

Best of luck to you in this difficult situation, I pray that you find very good help and a way to have a Happy fulfilled life while loving and caring for your parents.

I hope that you take my comments with the long view on your life. Guilt for other's self-destructive behaviors is a normal reaction. Also believing that you can fix their lifetime of financial behaviors is unrealistic--I know this personally.
While their behaviors are painful, I suggest you have little control over preventing them. I suggest that you consult with a certified elder law attorney to find out your legal options for their problems, given they are relatively young.
Most importantly, you might benefit from working with a therapist or join a group that focuses on problems with aging parents. Don't let societal norms of children's responsibilities for their parents bog you down.
in closing, a money manager can't control their spending. However, it could give you a better picture of their habits.
In closing, you are in a difficult situation, one that you alone can't solve.

When I got my two friends in to their memory care apartment, everything they needed was provided. They didn't need to use money or credit cards for anything. I was their POA and all their mail came to me, so I paid the bills that were valid. I eventually got their credit cards, cut them up and returned them to the credit card companies explaining their accounts were now closed. The credit card companies wouldn't deal with me unless they had the original, notarized POA forms. I only had one and wasn't about to send it to them. Only I took them anywhere, like to the eye doctor or dental appointments. They needed every penny they had to pay for their care, but the care was very good and they were in a safe place. When I sold their town home two years later, the money went into their checking and savings account. There are no children and only distant relatives. As executor of their estate, I know who is to get what if there is any money left, which I doubt there will be. I noticed when I took them grocery shopping before they got to the memory care stage that the husband was an impulsive shopper, grabbing candy bars and things to read while in the check-out line. Fortunately, one of the side effects or stages of the wife's frontal temporal dementia was the belief they had no money, so they quit eating out and were saving a lot, not understanding how much they had. That put me in a good place when I started taking over all their finances--there was a nice sum to work with. I make sure not one penny comes to me--that is not why I am doing this. Every outgo is paid by check with a receipt to show what for. All income goes straight to their checking and savings accounts. If your dad is in assisted living, why are they eating out? Why are they still tempted to buy things?
If you haven't done so, get the credit cards and checkbook and limit the cash they have. Others have commented that this is a lot for someone your age to take on. I agree. I had the benefit of a lifetime of managing my own money to work with in taking on my friends' finances. My wife is a conservative spender, too, and I learned from her habits how to look at the value of things. You can learn a lot from this responsibility, but I hope it is not too much with everything else on your plate. I pray for guidance to make the best decisions for my friends and so far, that guidance has come in spades. And that doesn't cost anything. Good luck! I am impressed that you are doing so much already.

Are you a financial POA for your folks? If you are, look into VA benefits if your dad was in the service. Maybe selling the house would bring in some kind of cash to pay off any outstanding debts like credit cards then put the rest into savings. They might benefit from living in an apartment. Grab a hold of any credit cards and hide them. Many grocery store sell those prepaid cards that reload. Then they get only so much a month or a week for discretionary spending. Once those funds dry up, they won't get more until a certain day. Find out what they are eligible for and meet with a lawyer to see what the extant of your POA is.

With your dad having alzheimer's / dementia, it may be time to use your durable POA to get his part of the finances under control. Do you think that your parents meeting with a third party about their finances would be better received and actually heard?

Don't feel bad about your finances at this point for I don't know any 21 year old who has much money. You need to look at your check book and credit card bill to see where your money is going. Budget for the average of what you spend on utilities, gas, etc. so that it fits within your income. Less important expenses are likely where you are loosing money. It helps in a check book to keep a running balance after each check is written. I keep up with my credit car charges online in light of my budget to keep from using it too much. The good thing about using the average of your utility expenses for the year is that some months you will use more and other months you will loose less. The months that you use less should make up for those you use more if you are budgeting for the average. Anyway, that is what I have found. Make sure to budget for an emergency fund and a retirement fund. Although young people often don't think so, it is important to start early working on retirement money however small for you will be able to increase that amount overtime and keep how you invest your money for retirement by being very diversified. I've never made a whole lot over my 40 years of working but my investments are in very good shape. I wish you the best.

aj6044, do you have any siblings or other relatives who can help in any way?

While it's shocking, if they want to squander their funds so be it.

I feel for you. I have the opposite problem. My uncle is 88 and needs to spend the money he's saved for his own care, but he's a Depression Kid and it's like pulling teeth to get him to spend a dime. There is a huge gap in the area of helping seniors and their families decide on how to manage their finances. There are services like Silver Bills who will basically set everything up online for you and monitor payments, but there is still the matter of managing the occasional and one-time events that can't be automated. Elder law attorneys and financial planners will help set structures in place, but won't manage them on an ongoing basis (plus, how expensive would that be!) There are some Daily Money Managers around, but they are few and far in between. What you and I really need is someone who can talk some sense into our cared-for elders, and that isn't easy to find - if it can be found at all. Like others have said, ultimately it is their choice, and we have to go through the agony of setting our own boundaries on how far to go to help them.

Check with your local Area Agency on Aging and see if they have a Money Management program.