She keeps saying "let's go home," even though she's home and he has no compassion for her and I've actually told him that. She's been suffering with it for 10 years.
The way he belittles her is domestic abuse, which some people don’t realize includes yelling, berating, criticizing, cursing, gaslighting, refusing to talk, any type of threatening or intimidation and so on. Call a domestic abuse hotline and talk anonymously to an advisor to find out what you can do. This man shouldn’t be allowed to continue this course because it could escalate into something worse. I’m a survivor of domestic abuse. You know what my lawyer told me when I finally sought a divorce? “If he ever starts up with that again, tell him to stop it or you’re going to call the police. Then do it.” Good advice.
Thank you very much for your answers and I now understand that I will have to hold my tongue with him and at the same time keep watching how he's caring for her. He doesn't expect a lot from her anymore. Again thank you.
Much as it pains you to hear the insensitivity, you really have to let their relationship be their relationship. That was formed long before you and even Alzheimer’s won’t change it. Model appropriate communication with your mom, give dad info from the Alzheimer’s Association on how to best talk with people dealing with the condition, and then leave it alone. I wish you all peace in such a hard storm
The relationship between your parents is between THEM, so you should let them handle it. My mother treated my father like dirt, and when I stepped in to say something, sure enough, my father would stick up for my mother every single time. I'd think to myself, what TH is this all about?? She treats you like garbage and you stick UP for her??? Ok dad, you made your bed, now lie in it I guess. And so I quit butting my 2 cents in where it wasn't welcomed. I did grit my teeth though, b/c it drove me absolutely crazy what he'd put up with! Mom was going down the dementia highway towards the end of dad's life, so her behavior towards him was even WORSE than it'd been the decades prior. But I figured that he'd put up with her for 68 years, so leave him to it. If he'd wanted a divorce, he'd had gotten one by then!
Elders with AD always talk about wanting to 'go home' which represents more a place in time vs. a brick and mortar building. They revert back in time to their youth, so your mother may be back in time to when she is remembering her childhood home, for instance, and wanting to go back there.
"As their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.
This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30."
That is an excerpt from this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia/Alzheimer's and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Many spouses are in denial that their wife or husband is suffering from a condition or a disease like AD or dementia. Perhaps your father is one of them. Does he accompany mom to the doctor/neurologist when she goes for an appointment? Does he care for her properly? I hope so, and I also hope that he isn't expecting things from her that she is no longer capable of doing, like driving or cooking elaborate meals or remembering things/doing things for HIM that he should now be doing for HER. Caring for a loved one with AD requires a special level of patience and understanding that it sounds like your father may not be capable of. What is his Plan B if the time comes that mom requires more can than he can manage? That may be something to talk to him about, as well as suggesting he read the booklet I linked you to.
AD is a family disease; we're all affected by it. I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you try to navigate this new territory with your dear mom.
Elders with AD always talk about wanting to 'go home' which represents more a place in time vs. a brick and mortar building. They revert back in time to their youth, so your mother may be back in time to when she is remembering her childhood home, for instance, and wanting to go back there.
"As their disease progresses, they may have access only to their first 50 years, then 40, then 30, and so on, until they go back to their childhood memories. This is not an orderly reversal – the person may remember more or less on different days and at different times during the day.
This results eventually, in the person with Alzheimer disease thinking they are much younger than they actually are. It is not as though they realize they are, for example, 81, but they can only remember their first 30 years. Instead, it is as though they are the person that they were at age 30. Consequently, they are confused, because they may not recognize their family, since they are looking for the individuals they were sharing their life with at age 30."
That is an excerpt from this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia/Alzheimer's and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Many spouses are in denial that their wife or husband is suffering from a condition or a disease like AD or dementia. Perhaps your father is one of them. Does he accompany mom to the doctor/neurologist when she goes for an appointment? Does he care for her properly? I hope so, and I also hope that he isn't expecting things from her that she is no longer capable of doing, like driving or cooking elaborate meals or remembering things/doing things for HIM that he should now be doing for HER. Caring for a loved one with AD requires a special level of patience and understanding that it sounds like your father may not be capable of. What is his Plan B if the time comes that mom requires more can than he can manage? That may be something to talk to him about, as well as suggesting he read the booklet I linked you to.
AD is a family disease; we're all affected by it. I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you try to navigate this new territory with your dear mom.