My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this?

Hi tgengine! I've read all of the responses to your question and the people who tell you not to do it just don't understand your situation. When you're it, you're IT and there are no other options. I think you and your wife are wonderful and you are sensitive and caring and your dad is so fortunate to have you. I can tell how much you love him and anticipating any issues that may come up is just another sign of how much you care. Just remember that he has already been through a lot and as I'm sure you already know, keep the communication lines open. I always worry about hurt feelings...just make sure you use care when setting boundaries with him. You already have a good father/son relationship so I don't see that you'll have any huge problems. Good luck and keep us posted! :)

tgengine. One missing advise here is the legal aspect of planning. Your father owns a business? My advise is to find an attorney who specializes in elder law and estate planning. DO NOT WAIT! It is so true that all your planning and concerns can change at the snap of a finger. If your father has no POA appointed it needs to be done ASAP. Sorry for being so blunt but this is one of the most important pieces of advise that I have taken and can give. God be with you! Angel

Great topic. My mom passed away in 1986, and my dad then lived on his own since. In 2002, he moved in with us after selling his house. At the same time, we sold our single-family house and the three of us moved into a larger, 4 BR home with ample space for all. It was actually Dad's real estate agent's idea. When spoke to my husband to ask if he might consider it, he readily agreed.

This move was carefully thought out by all of us. Dad, in his mid-70s at the time, was active and strong. He went out every day to play pool and was gone for hours, enjoying his retirement. We already had a good relationship, and I knew that someday, he probably would decline and I would be a caregiver. I have no children, so that affords me the mental capacity to focus on his needs if necessary.

We knew the dynamic would change, as Dad was used to being in his own home and so were we. We were all prepared to make adjustments.

A number of things has made this work well:

1) We are all considerate by nature. Dad understands our need to be a couple, and we support his privacy as well.
2) Dad has never snooped or pried into our personal business, and his areas are HIS. Only after I seek his permission do I enter his bedroom, for example.
3) Dad cleans up after himself and retains tidiness in his areas. He contributes assistance wherever his can, and is conscientious about this.
4) Though we never ask for it, he offers us a modest check toward expenses when he can. He’s been supporting my adult brother for a number of years, and hopefully that will cease soon as Dad really needs to prioritize his own care and support.
5) When we entertain, I let Dad know in advance so he’s not surprised with commotion when he might have been planning a quiet evening in his TV area. We don’t have people over as often, and as late in the evening as we used to, but that is okay.
6) Since Dad’s hours are more “retirement oriented” we don’t often have meals together, but we do on occasion and always eat together on holidays.
7) He has cooked in the past and shared with us, and we have done the same.
8) Dad is conscious of not making noise when we are sleeping, and we are as well.
9) We supported the entire family room area becoming Dad’s main living space, and it has many family pictures and keepsakes; his desk is untouched by us because it is his personal space.
10) One side of our 2-car garage belongs to Dad, and it contains things of his from previous homes and he parks his car in there. He has his own refrigerator in the basement.
11) When Dad wants to assist with shoveling snow, we gently (firmly) decline, but it’s nice to know he wants to help.
12) We all respect each other’s routines and needs. I have always referred to him as our “very cool older roommate.”
13) We never expected to be Dad’s primary social life, as he’s always been very independent. He remains so, even with his health issues of recent.

I could illustrate more points, but this is the basic idea. RESPECT, COMPROMISE and REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS are key.

All considered, we know this works because we all went in with eyes open, with a practical, can-do spirit. We knew there would be changes to each of our lifestyles. What we have traded in independence, we have gained in many blessings of being together. I told Dad that he’d never again awaken alone on Christmas; he is surrounded by music and decorations and fun. I can peek in on him if he’s not feeling well, as opposed to driving cross-town or booking a flight. I can give him a hug and kiss before bed. The blessings are endless.

During the past few months, I have been a caregiver, though fortunately he has been doing much better. My husband has been very supportive, and cares a great deal for Dad’s well-being. In summary, though it hasn’t been all sunshine (there have been a few small disagreements), the arrangement has been overwhelmingly positive. Best of luck to you and your family as you work this out.

I want to comment on this:

"One thing to consider here is A. I have no choice. B. I have no choice."

One thing that kept me semi-sane during my husband's 10-year journey with dementia was knowing that I had a choice. I was caring for him at home by choice. This was not a mandate or a prison sentence. I chose to keep him home with me, and I could at any time choose to place him in a care center. When I had a very tough day I at least had the satisfaction of knowing I did something hard because I wanted to.

A couple of years ago a man who had just joined our local caregivers' support group was quite distressed over the demands of caring for his significant other. When he said, "I have to do this." I told him that he was selling himself short. He did not HAVE to do this. He wasn't even married to or related to this woman. He was under no legal obligation to shoulder the responsibility for her care. He chose to do this. He should feel proud of that choice.

"I have no choice" leads to resentment, feeling trapped, despair. "I choose to do this" can lead to pride, a sense of accomplishment, a freedom to change decisions if circumstances change.

There are other choices. You do not HAVE to do this. I suggest you look into some of the other possibilities and recognize that if you and your wife do this, it is out of the goodness of your heart, not out of lack of any other option. Do it out of love. Please don't do it because you "have" to.

oh my goodness, how could I have forgotten the work I used to do???? Get a counselor and talk about your plans with them. You are working very hard to convince yourself you have no choice, and painting a picture that is much more sunny than it will ever be. WHY? When there is this much energy directed at "the one and only solution", I believe there is more going on. How could there not be, he is your dad and life is never perfect. Go talk to someone about why you feel you must rescue your father. This is a big decision, and you will need to go into it knowing what is in your heart, hopes, fears and all.

If your father sells his business you might be able to build on a suite to your home, sort of like a small apartment with a wheel chair accessible bathroom which you will need in time, a bedroom, a sitting room with tv and wireless headphones for when he gets deaf. A microwave for coffee, oatmeal, heat up a prepared meal. sink, small frig. After that, see if he qualifies for food stamps or addition state funded insurance. If not, use his social security benefits, if he has them, for his care food, increased utility bills and such. See if he has social security. See if he has a will. Rent his house until he passes to avoid taxes if his home exceeds what ever the tax limit is on his home. Do not count on your siblings to chip in, once your dad is away, they will loose track of his needs. However they might be able to come to your home and cover during your vacation. Sounds like they do not have much money.

In some ways it seems better to let him be until necessary. However, my parents doctor has consistently encourage a move, or trial move while they were still mostly ok. Moving him now, IF HE WANTS TO, allows him time while he is healthy to establish new routines, make new friends, new doctors to get to know him when he is not sick.

Good luck. This can wear you out. If he can afford the add on studio in your home, do that. You will need privacy. He will become increasingly more frail over the years and you will need to be there more for him.

Run for the hills! Run for your life! Just kidding......but seriously......don't.do.it.........it's all well and good in the beginning and then, slowly but surely, your.life.will.change.forever. That's what happened to me and now, two years later mom will (very soon) be in assisted living......I am soooooo counting the days.....I can't even leave my house without making sure someone is home with mom...at 46 years old I'm tired of it.....dispensing medications three times a day, reminding mom to eat when sitting in front of the TV is more important (and also because I've enabled her to sit back and wait for me to bring her her meals, sometimes in bed when she chooses to stay in it all day long.....what the heck am I doing? I am craving my old life back! My husband and kids also miss the part of me that "was" before mom moved in!

Sorry, no sugar coating this one.....just my opinion.....and to those of you who may read this and think "but we owe it to our parents" I say "read my profile, walk a mile in my shoes and really understand that not all parents were the same in how we were raised, treated, in our lives, etc. And my siblings? I won't even get started about the h*** some of them have put me through! At the end of the day I love them, but, ugh! Tgengine.....really give it some thought, think about the pros and cons of your situation.......and good luck to you!

So much wisdom here, nothing to add!

tgengine - don't do it. You found it hard having your father living with you for three months ten years ago. What on earth makes you think it would be okay now, on a permanent basis?

Ok, I appreciate you feel you have to do something: your father's recently bereaved, he's not managing on his own (I'm sorry for your loss of your mother), his current locale is too expensive for him to stay in, he shouldn't be having to hold down a full-time job at 78. Nothing controversial there, I'm sure you're right.

But that still doesn't mean that moving him to live with you and your wife is the only, let alone the best, answer. Keep thinking it through. And my first question would be: what does your dad want to do?

There must be more options, and one of them will certainly be better than what you're proposing. Slow down, take your time over sorting this out.

I wouldn't let him move in with you! He doesn't have dementia or alz, so I think even assisted living would be good. MY mom is 90 and live s by herself and I live 12 minutes away. Take care of yourself first.

Your mention of your Dad's financial troubles struck a chord with me. It may be that he is already dealing with early dementia. Sometimes the ability to manage one's finances and make good decisions about money are an early sign. That was the case with my Dad. Long before the more obvious symptoms appeared, he'd made lots of bad decisions regarding his business and run through all of his assets. By the time I took over, it was a mess.
I'd advise taking him to look at senior living options in the area where he currently lives. There, he'll have the companionship of others in a town that's familiar. If you move him in with you, you may become his expected source of companionship. I work from home, too, and I can't imagine my Dad underfoot while I'm trying to work.
And, given that he was used to your Mom taking care of his every need, he may have that expectation of your wife (even though he might not mean to, it's a role that's natural to him). That won't be good for your marriage.

I appreciate everyone's responses. One thing to consider here is A. I have no choice. B. I have no choice. My father does not wish to live alone, he does not eat properly, he is a great cook but chooses to eat out every night, his health will decline rapidly without supervision, Yes he is a grown man but if allowed this process it will be more of a burden on me. My brother will not help and my father has a difficult relationship with him, my sister, well that wont happen either. So while it is said to not allow him to move in I really have no choice. He has no money and the area he lives in is expensive. He works 5 days a week and has major stress to run the business just to survive and in the process is making some mistakes that in the long run will be terrible if left go. At 78 he should not be working and worrying this much. So when I say I have no choice I really don't. I cant manage him from 7 hours away, I have been doing that for 6 months and the stress is huge on me now. I'm pretty good at logistics and finance but I see the end of the financial picture and it is day to day, the minute he stops working the money is gone. I can say all day to my siblings it their responsibility but I know the answer and I wont allow that to happen to my father the same way I wont let it happen to my kids. He raised me and its my job to take care of him, I think that is a fair option. I just am looking at ways to care for him while he is with me. He has told me he doesn't want to live alone, I get it, its lonely. If we were in the same town or area it wouldn't be a question but geographically this has to be. My SIL took my MIL in, my grandfather took his MIL in. This is what we do as payment for our station in life. I just have to find a way that works for all of us. I am not unhappy about it just concerned. Plus gives me more time with my dad. Out of the 3 of us I am the one who enjoys his company, my brother never hunted or did things with my dad nor my sister, he worked very hard 2 to 3 jobs at a time sometimes 7 days a week while we grew up to give us a good life. We didn't want for much, we were not rich but we did OK.

I think uprooting him will not benefit him in the long run. He seems very connected in his environment. I couldn't find any pressing reason he is considering moving with your family. I would arrange a visiting angel. He has contacts, family, and employment where he is. Plus, don't underestimate the tangibles of all his own stuff.

My mom lives with my family. 76 and reasonably good health. She did not have all the healthy contacts and lifestyle your father still possesses. This is a Pandora's box. Once he is moved with you, he will not be able to return. And getting your siblings to commit and execute any financial assistance is next to impossible. If you move dad with you, expect it will be your financial burden.

There are too many unspokens here. If he has made poor financial choices, that will not change when he moves with you. And Medicare benefits differ from state to state. You will have to notify the new state of his change in residence. Medicare transfers; programs related to Medicare differ from state to state. It took about 3 months to complete the process with my mother. And the personal space/family interaction expectations was discussed at length for 6 months prior to moving with us.

I think your are painting a much too rosy picture. This is a total look before you leap situation. Ask yourself why the onsite siblings aren't willing to take on this oversight. This just feels wrong. Best of luck to you.

Hi Tgingine - My dad and his wife decided they wanted t move from Pgh to ATL, where I reside after living in Pgh all his life. My mother died in 1994, and if she were still alive they would have moved years ago to either California with my sister or here. They will not move in with me, but I do share many of your issues. My dad has some financial challenges and a decent, safe apartment in ATL will costs him a good bit of his SS income. I know I will have to assist them from time to time, but, I've decided not to overwhelm myself. I work so, I'll be happy to spend time with them on the weekends, but I will make suggestions, if needed, as to how they can spend their time. Like your dad, my dad is in good health, very active, and was a percussionist for most of his life and would probably like to get a part time job playing drums for a local band at church or jazz club. At first I was getting myself overwhelmed about the move, but I've learned to let go and let circumstances work themselves out. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! What's going to happen is going to happen. Give him a little credit, he's already used to many life changes. You and your sibling s got older and moved out the house, his wife of 59 years died and he continues to make adjustments. I think he will survive and adjust. Your wife will let him know that she will not be waiting on him and perhaps it will give him new energy to do things differently. We all know spoiled kids who miraculously straighten up when they know they are in a situation where they will not be pampered. Your dad will figure that out quickly. I know my situations a little different because my dad remarried and will be living apart from me -- but, they are almost teenagers in the way they ask for money and obligate themselves to things they can't afford. He's my dad and I love him, but I will not overwhelm myself with any demands. I will certainly make time for them, but not compromise my job and other obligations. I will give them money here and there, but not at the risk of putting myself in debt. I'll make it that easy, hope you will too.

When my dad passed away two years ago my mom moved in with me. I was just about to get married and buy a house. She never drove, never paid the bills, never made phone calls for appointments, etc. I have 2 brothers and a sister all older then me living in the same area. My sisters retired and I work two jobs but everyone thought it was best for my mom to be with me which it is for her sake. Soon as your dad moves in with you he will be your responsibility. My siblings rarely take her, if we are lucky she gets a call once a week. We have always been a close family but people get wrapped up in their own lives and forget that I'm giving up so much to take care of our mother. She looks to me for everything (company, entertainment, food, doctors, medicine, pedicures, etc., etc.) My only saving grace is she goes to the senior center twice a week does an exercise class, has lunch and plays bingo. On occasion she will go on a day trip. The guilt you feel when you just don't want to do this anymore is horrible. There is definite tension in the house with my husband and kids (13,16,21) my mom takes over the living room and always wants to be with me. I'm sorry but the reality of taking in a parents is you will be the entertainment and your siblings won't help you. Best of Luck!!!

tgen - please, please schedule a weekly "date nite" with your wife …yeah she will be tired from her day at school but it is important that you & her are on the same page on all things "DAD" and this provides a way to do that and then just be a couple. You & your wife need to be able to very frank with each other on all this and you need to keep her on your page 1 (or as they say in my biz "she is #1 on the call sheet").

Another something you may have not thought about……dad becomes an old rooster!!! You could well find that once he moves in with you & starts to get out and develop new friends or interests that every single gal or widow has your home on their radar. So what is OK and not OK under your house rules?

As I read these post (thank you all very much!) I go back and forth, part of me is OK and part of me is scared to death. Unfortunately there is no house to sell and we did renovations to the house we have so we cant (don't) want to move. As I read I get great insight to what you all have gone through so every post helps with ideas and what or not to do. I do relish losing my privacy, My wife is a teacher so I do the happy dance when I get the quiet house back in September (I love my wife but its nice having a quiet house to work in). My goal is for him to be busy and productive. I am looking for a job for him to get into so he can get out and be with people, he is a people person. My siblings will not visit, my sister has been to my home maybe 3 times in 18 years, my brother once to bring my mother to visit. My dad did live with us for 3 months about 10 years ago while he was doing a job here. It was trying sometimes but the house was much smaller then and the kids were home. We did survive amazingly enough. He doesn't need much for a job, maybe an estimating or sales. I have friends who will keep him busy with odd carpentry jobs, he has already expressed that which is good. I just have to be careful not to become his assistant and run my own business. And yes this site is awesome! Just what I need, I wish I had it while my SIL was going through hospice. The down side is there is no going back now unless he decides to stay, he gave notice where he is at he can undo if need be but he cant afford it. I keep going back and forth and there is no option, I'm it. It seems we are the end of the line for family so to speak. I know my sister has her hands full with a SIL who is Bipolar so they are having issues to deal with so I guess I cant be too hard on her (ironically the same area my dad is in and my sister is 5 hours from there too. Oh the drama. Thank you all again for the insight. Every word helps.

I did not read through all the lengthy posts, so sorry if this opinion is a repeat. I wouldn't do it. If he is in resonable health, check into subsidized senior housing. He could move into a senior apartment in his own community and continue his normal routine. Don't move him in with you until absolutely necessary. Hang on to his and your own freedom as long as you can.

tgengine, you asked about your siblings contributing financially. BEFORE dad moves in, you all need to draw up a legal contract about who will contribute what and when it has to be paid by each month. I would suggest you establish a separate account for these contributions and also, you all need to agree on exactly what the money will be spent on.

I do want to mention to you an alternative plan for you father that could enable him to continue living in the same city he is currently in. Nowadays, it is possible to live cheaply by buying a duplex and renting out one side of it. A lot of people do this to reduce their monthly mortgage payment down to perhaps $50 a month due to the income from the rental property. The best choice would be a duplex with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in each half. I'm wondering if this wouldn't be a better choice for the entire family. Dad's house could be sold for the downpayment for the property and then he would have rental income plus his Social Security plus whatever else he makes from work, if anything. Doing this would prevent your father from having to move to a strange city at this time and also, make his property an investment for the entire family. You and your siblings could still contribute money to go to such things as hiring housekeepers to come in every 2 weeks or pay for dad's food expenses or whatever. Later on, as your father gets older, you could move him into assisted living and rent out his half of the duplex and would therefore have 2 rental properties generating income that would help support your dad in his old age.

If you do decide to move dad to your city, I would suggest you consider doing the same thing - sell your current home and buying a duplex, but instead of renting the second half of the duplex, move your dad in there so he has his own space and you have your own space. This way you will not be adding onto your house and running the risk of making it too large for your neighborhood where you don't get your money back from the renovation - which has happened to hundreds of thousands of people who have added on.

How old is your dad?

Unless he's suffering from some medical condition that requires more care, why exactly is he moving in with you when he's able to work, has his own friends, etc.?

Instead of having him move in with you, why can't you and your siblings contribute equally to his 'retirement' each month with a check that will help him pay his way to live independently?

He may not want to move in with you, valuing HIS freedom as much as we all value ours.

I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging your dad to participate in community activities. The group my dad joined, when he was healthy, was not full of old, decrepit people. They, like my dad, were active and social and friendly. Yes, they were senior citizens but they were able-bodied with all of their faculties intact. My dad made friends there and was quite popular with the ladies. I can't remember off-hand what all they did but it was always something. They celebrated holidays with huge luncheons and entertainment (some guy from the zoo came one time with all kinds of exotic birds and reptiles). I think it cost $3 per luncheon. It was the perfect outlet for my dad.

Do a little research and see if your community offers some things you think your dad might enjoy and then when your dad gets there and is somewhat settled mention it to him and let him decide if he'd like to get involved in some social activities. Does he go to church? That's a great social outlet too.

Just have some info handy to whip out if you need to, if you think your dad might be interested. Stay away from adult daycare though. There he will encounter "old people".

And can I add-Don't you just love this site? And boy do I wish I had found it before I made the decisions I made years ago.

So many people wrote here and I don't even have the patience to read them all. But I did have my dad move in with my husband and me back in 1993 when he was in good health and 85 years old. My mother had passed on and his house was too much for him to take care of all by himself. He actually built an addition onto our house. Could you use the money after you sell his house to pay for an addition? I got a very large addition large bedroom, bathroom, walk in closet and a huge sunroom added on. He paid for half and so did we. He gave me money for food and utilities. He basically got his own breakfast and lunch because I was still working and so was my husband. I fixed dinner for him, cleaned his room and bathroom, did his laundry and just got to know him as my best friend for the 5 years he lived with us. He died in his room in hospice care in our house. We had a wonderful time. He was independent, went to church, the library, visited family when he wanted to. He was still driving a week before he died. That made me really nervous. But basically at the end he just went to the library every day to get out of the house. He used to put up their flag in the morning, because he was there every day. He loved having that job. HE also was busy as a volunteer with the Red Cross and was a communion steward and usher in church. He did not however , have to leave his town where he lived his entire life. That could make a huge difference. Perhaps the other children could come and get him to take home for a week long visit or even a month long visit! I know oldsters who do that too. Good luck! It was the best five years of my life. Dad was independent until the last week of his life when he finally succumbed to Renal Cell artery Carcinoma. He was amazing.

My two cents is once this is done it will be very hard to reverse. I say find a low income, affordable apartment for him but if his name is still on a business that may be difficult. My mom came to live with me 7 years ago after a bad fall and she could no longer drive. She is now 86 and fairly healthy but her world is our world. In the winter months she cannot even get out and sit on the deck and unless I take her out she sits and reads, watches tv etc.We joke that she is the weather lady as every news cast she comes out of her inlaw door and tell us the weather. I live an hour from where her social circle was and her friends now with their own issues do not come to visit any longer. I take her to all her Dr appts, make most of her meals, take care of her finances etc. I totally underestimated the impact of all this and I work at home also. I dream of having my home back to myself. Cranking music when I want, walking down to my laundry room naked if I need to get clothes--its all sounds trivial but it all adds up to feeling a bit trapped in your own home. All this and she is kind, trys to be helpful, feeds the cat and 2 dogs--really she does not have things I can really complain about. My youngest (of 5) graduates high school next year and my husband and I who have a blended family and basically raised them all for years as single parents are looking forward to some due time in our mid to late 50's for ourselves but now what to do with mom. The guilt is killing me already with the thought of moving her out of my house. Bottom line is I made a big mistake from the start and should have placed her in assisted living where she would have had a social life with people her age. Mom did say the other day "what will you do with this big house when the kids are all gone in a year?" and she said it may be time for her to go somewhere else. The fact she is aware and considering that is enough to get me thru the next 2 years or so and that makes me love her even more after some of the horror stories I have heard about parents living with children. Good luck-whatever decision you make will have some kind of guilt attached to it. No way around that.

Thank you all for the great insight into what I am to expect. I truly love my dad, it is going to be hard on all fronts. Most of this is guilt I guess. As far as siblings I don't expect much help so then I guess I wont be disappointed. In talking with my sister all she is interested in is the china that is left after she cleared it out (bone of contention). Did I mention she took my moms jewelry box the day of the funeral? To her credit she did split the nice pieces up between the granddaughters (her daughter and my 2) but I never got the chance to get something for me. She did clean out my moms clothes at the request of my father but that has been about it. She was a bit torqued about one item from my mothers purse she wanted but a month ago my dad gave it to my daughter (the one who actually called my mother every week). Little things seem to be cropping up so I guess in a sense it is good there is less on that front. I have been very open with my father to give what he wants to who he wants. My suggestions is on holidays to give air loom items to family members vs. buying gifts (went over very well at Christmas). I am trying to prepare myself with all of these questions so it doesn't hit me in the face the day he moves in. I don't expect it to be as bad as I make it out. After all we were in business together years ago, we lived a 1/4 mile apart for many years while my daughters were growing up and we work well together on projects (there is a time or 2 when its not but that is normal). I actually look forward to taking care of him because I worry (hence the morning calls every day). Even before mom passed we would talk 3 to 5 times a week. The thing that tears me apart is leaving my mom behind. I wont get to visit her as much as I do now going to visit my dad. Once he leaves pretty much all we will do is go to the home town for funerals and special occasions but that will slow down after a while. I fear that my dads not being able to visit his sister and friends will dampen things for him here. One thing I wonder is how do I tell if he needs a support group or not. So far he's been good, he tells me when he has a bad day but now he has his circle. He's a tough guy but not infallible. He is not into cards or sports or activities besides work, so my worry is his activity level and mental health. Is it right for me to direct him to activities? I worry he will decline if I get him in with "old people".

The mail thing is easy, just have his mail forwarded to your home. I did this with my dad and I'd just put his mail where he liked to sit everyday.

You're right, in some ways it is like having a child all over again only more difficult. Your dad will come to you with all of his habits and expectations and a fully formed personality and ways of doing things.

In the beginning with us, my dad and I didn't really know what to do. He'd come into our den where my then-teenage daughter and I were watching tv and sit on the other couch. Not that he was prohibited from the den but I doubt he enjoyed watching "Jersey Shore". He had a nice tv in his room and after a little while he began to migrate back to his room to watch tv. The den became "my" space. My tv, my space. To make him feel more welcome I invited him to do a movie night occasionally but he was very hard of hearing and I couldn't stand the volume on the tv being so loud. But he was fine being back in his room watching his tv. I know this because I asked him. You said you and your dad have a good relationship, so did me and my dad, and whenever we needed to discuss something we did. Keep the lines of communication with your dad open.

You have every right to go on a vacation with your wife....without your dad. How to handle it? When the plans are made tell your dad about your trip as you would tell a friend: "Mary and I have decided to take a cruise next month. We're really excited about it!" There's nothing to feel guilty about. There's a great Bed and Breakfast about 2 hours from here and I spent many weekends there while my dad was living with me.

No doubt about it, your dad moving in with you is going to throw a wrench into your habits and schedule as well as his. Thank goodness for separate living rooms! If you're enjoying alone time with your wife and your dad wanders in the next opportunity you have, maybe a day later, ask him if he'd mind if you and your wife had some privacy after she gets home from work. Communication! And boundaries! With the fishing and hunting dad will have enough father/son time. Your relationship with your wife must always come before your relationship and duty to your dad.

In a way you're going to have to break your dad in. If he's in the habit of letting dirty dishes sit in the sink you have to break him of that. Take the heat yourself, tell him something like, "Dad, I have a thing about dirty dishes in the sink, would you mind putting them in the dishwasher as soon as you're done with them?" Non-accusatory and reasonable. He's not a guest anymore, he's your roommate and as a roommate he also has certain responsibilities to the household.

What kinds of things is he open to having you do for him? If he can do them for himself he should. Establish all of this stuff right in the very beginning because once a pattern begins, once behavior is established you're going to be stuck with it.

Again like Jeanne said (she's very wise) my 2 main concerns in all of this are his knowing your friends and your wife becoming an indentured servant to your dad. There may come a time when you are in the middle of your wife and your dad. It happens all the time. Always support your wife. Try to work out a solution but never let your support for your wife waver. You will actually be trying to get a zebra to change it's stripes here. Your mom took care of your dad and that's what he's been used to for 59 years. Don't let your dad expect that kind of treatment from your wife or you.

Dad: "I'm hungry, is there anything to eat?"
You/wife: "I don't know, food's in the fridge, help yourself."

Dad gets up from the table, leaving his dishes for someone else to take to the sink.

"Hey dad! Those dishes aren't going to walk themselves over to the sink". Then tip him a wink or something so the tone remains light.

Dad: "I think the sheets on my bed need to be changed."
You/wife: "There are fresh sheets in the linen closet."

Dad overhears you telling your wife that you're going to get together with a friend to watch....whatever guys watch. This is a friend that your dad knows. Tell your dad that said friend is having problems in his marriage and needs to talk to you. Yes, it's a lie. But would you rather tell your dad that you don't want him to tag along?

When my dad lived with me, before he began to decline, it was me, my 16 year old daughter, and my dad all living together in a house. From my viewpoint and my daughter's viewpoint it was the two of us and dad was the 5th wheel. But from my dad's point of view it was like it was me and him and my daughter was a child "we" were raising. My dad never really stepped on my toes when it came to parenting but our relationship shifted when we moved in together and morphed into some kind of weird partnership thing. Initially it was like I had replaced my mom. My dad would attribute my mom's habits and tones and quirks onto me (it wasn't as creepy as it sounds). My dad would consult with me on things when he didn't need to. We would receive invitations to graduations and family functions together which put me in a position of having to say to my dad, "Hey dad, Ron asked us to an anniversary party a week from Sat." It made me uncomfortable, like we were a couple or something. My life had become enmeshed with my dad's and I didn't like it one bit. Once your dad moves in your friends are liable to issue invitations to you, your wife, and your dad because they know he's living there with you and they don't want to be rude and not extend an invitation to him too. What you do with that and how you handle that is up to you.

Maybe your dad is as nervous about this move as you are. It's a huge life change and he may feel like a guest for a while but as long as you set up boundaries right from the beginning you may avoid a lot of this stuff. You said he's a young 78 and it sounds like it from what you've described. When did your mom pass away? And as young at heart as he may be at 78 he's still a fall risk and is vulnerable to all sorts of age-related decline. One fall, one broken hip and your life as you know it will be over. Stroke. Infection. It just takes a very little to go from vital and productive to elderly and needy, know that going in. My dad had been with me for several years and had experienced age-related decline but nothing major. I was working a few days a week and one day I came home from work and the lights were all off, the paper wasn't on the table, it was quiet as a church and I just knew my dad had fallen. I ran back to his room and he had been on the floor for hours. He hadn't injured himself and he had taken spills before. We used to joke that he just bounced when he'd fall. But this was different. He was dehydrated (which our parents are very vulnerable to) and the dehydration had sapped his strength. I couldn't get him off the floor where as previously I would have been able to (I work in physical therapy). I had to call 911 and things were never the same after that. It was Election Day and while in the ER he was grousing about not being able to vote and was it possible that he could vote from the hospital. But that fall took a lot out of him (he was 79 then) and he never bounced back and his decline sped up as a result. Six months later he passed away in a nursing home. When the ambulance took his to the ER that day I would have never, in my wildest dreams, believed that he'd never come home again. It can happen that fast.

Keep writing, keep venting, keep sharing your concerns. That's what this site is all about and it's filled with great people.

Thanks, I am sure I will be hit my self in the head somewhere about June. My dad and I do go on hunting trips together, we have a fishing trip planned for a week so we do get along, its just all the other stuff. He is open to me doing things for him as expected but this is like having a child all over again. How do I handle that we like our alone time in the evening to decompress? My wife is a teacher so she really needs to chill when she comes home. We will have separate living rooms but how do I say we need space without sounding crass. I should have starting asking these questions months ago before I got into this. Especially when my wife and I want to go on vacation, how do I say we are going away and not feel guilty? Geez, isn't this supposed to be the other way around? How do I handle mail and things we have similar names, do I get him a PO box? I have his banking established.

Jeanne's right about boundaries but just not in the literal sense of a separate bed and bath just for him. Emotional boundaries. You said your mom did everything for him and took care of everything. That's typical of his generation. It's not your job or your wife's job to take over where your mom left off. Once your dad moves in with you it will be all on you. How can your sister be hands on when dad moves out of town and in with you?

You can't plan for everything, you can't anticipate everything. It is stressful and it's life-changing. But no one's holding a gun to your head. Even if you did agree years ago that this was going to be the plan. I promised my dad that I would never put him in a nursing home and I meant it with all of my heart. But I had no clue what was coming, how bad it would get. We make decisions when we're naïve, before we have all of the information.

I'm sure you're getting a well-rounded look at our collective experiences. There's a lot of support to be had here. Any time you have a question or concern please come back. Consider this research. :-)

Thanks for the great suggestions. While I have been privy to much of my parents lives over the years and prepared to do this it same suddenly with my moms passing. I have been doing the finance issues over the years with them but they never made preparations for retirement. My dad still works 5 days a week and is out all day long so this will be a major hit for him as he is so active. I think we have an handle on the finance thing but down the road is another hurdle. Luckily my wife and I talk a lot and she is on board. We just got our youngest out of the house and were enjoying doing our own empty nest thing. Now it will not be. Without trying to look like I am steering him to a senior place how do I introduce him to people his own age? He goes out with my moms best friend once to 2 times a week for dinner (she lost her husband a few years ago) and visits with another friend a few hours away once a month. He is a young 78. I worry that moving him here will take any independent growth away from him but we really have no other choice. As far as daily chores how do I handle that? He waits until he runs out of clothes to do laundry (I wont do his, I staved off my daughters when they hit the teen years), he cleans only when we visit and he is the kind of person to just leave dirty dishes as someone else will do it for him. He actually admitted he gets people to do things for him if he waits long enough. He is a good man so I don't want to talk ill of him, he just has some quirks like we all do. My mom doted on him around the house while he did a great job on the physical things of making a home and a life. I respect my father unlike my siblings but I fear bringing him here will take so much of his life away from him like his family who is close by where he is. My life is here so I cant move but I cant leave him there to fall into disrepair. Right now the stress of ruining a business is taking a toll on him so I have to do this but I fear once he stops he wont get back up again.

tgengine, you and I were posting at the same time. Now that I've read your latest post I re-read mine to see if I would change anything. I wouldn't.

I am even more concerned about #3 -- time to yourself. Your friends are already friendly with Dad. That is great -- but also dangerous as it could contribute to dependence on you for his social life. And #2 is an even greater concern. Good for your wife for declaring she won't be catering to him! But it is much easier to say it than to enforce it. Especially since his only experience at your house is as a vacationing guest, I expect a lot of tension over these basic issues.

You really are thinking about this, and that will help.

Your dad has worked hard all his life and done his best to support his family. If he needs some financial assistance at this point that is not shameful. It doesn't sound to me as if his children are themselves financially in a place where they can support him. You and your wife, for example, deserve to be saving for your own retirement. I repeat my advice to explore other options for financial help for Dad.

By all means, continue to oversee his finances. You can do that from 5 states away, if you set up lots of online accessibility. But try not to mortgage your own future to support Dad now.