My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this?

Geo, good suggestions on combining trips. One of the most time consuming (and expensive now that gas is close to $4/gallon) tasks is all the driving to and from medical appointments, the hospital, pharmacies, laundrymat, grocery stores, Man Caves, etc.

tgengine, you have some advantages to work with. Your dad doesn't have health problems, he's pretty clear minded and he's still driving. He can be home alone safely. Having had my mom living with my family and my sister's family, here's some things I'd have done differently. I'd have done more outings with my husband, my kids individually, without feeling guilty that I was not including Mom because each relationship is important and needs nurturing. I wouldn't have felt I needed to include Mom in every social invitation we received because I was allowed to have time with just my husband and friends. I wouldn't have felt that I was responsible for her not feeling lonely because I needed time alone sometimes to recharge my battery. I work with people all day so I need time at night to just zone out. I would have accepted that I could present all sorts of options for her to get out and be with people - senior center, lunch with friends but it was her choice whether to participate or sit at home while I was at work. And it was my choice to not allow her to designate me (or my sister) as being responsible for her whole social life and all that entailed. My suggestion is this weekend, make plans to spend a little time one on one with your daughter - go on that bike ride with her, or go for breakfast. It'll recharge your battery and tell her you value your relationship. Make time for that bike ride, even if it's a short ride. Integrate the things you and your wife love into this new life. You may have to adapt them a bit but make sure you sneak uplifting things into each day while Dad's healthy and you're able to safely have time away.

What kind of business did your father have? You wrote that you wanted him to spend some time working...is it possible he could start up his business in your area, or transfer it there if it's not required to be a location specific business? Also, could you investigate trade organizations or associations that he could join? Being with others in his field would provide camaraderie and friendship.

I hope you got my response about where to get the book. Please let me know if you didn’t.

After my caregiving responsibilities were over (and I had completed rehab after bi-lateral knee replacements) my husband and I went on a weekend trip to the Finger Lakes. Shortly after leaving, as we were driving along, it hit me: “We just walked out of the house!” What I meant was, it was so easy: no planning, no preparation, no arrangements to be made for my MIL’s care. I had this HUGE sense of freedom.

One thing different in my caregiving situation was that I was an in-law caregiver. So I really never struggled with the guilt issue, although the word is used in some form 36 times in my book, “What to Do about Mama?” On p.167 it says, for example: “And then, too, are the guilt-producing, nagging thoughts that we could or should be doing a better job.” I think this statement might identify the origin of your feelings of guilt.

As far as your siblings are concerned, I would say STRONGLY that you not wait for them to communicate with you. The fact that they are not indicates that they are avoiding the situation and are willing to let the burden fall upon you (and to give them some benefit of the doubt, they may be feeling guilty about it). However, if they do indeed have guilt, they are likely to manifest it by becoming defensive and by making excuses. So make a list of your needs, have a family meeting, and have everyone sign up for what they can do. Put it in a “contract” and have everyone sign as an acknowledgement of their understanding and commitment. Make it clear that not being involved is not a choice and is not up for negotiation.
Barb

Thank you for all the suggestions. I am working on getting him involved with some senior activities but he doesn't feel like a senior or let alone act like one. Non the less it is taxing. We are all just feeling our way through this. My daughter was home from the city for the weekend. Fathers day , her birthday and mine, we wanted to celebrate. We did have a nice lunch together but more so it was what my dad wanted. I'm glad I have fathers day with him, but id like some time with my daughter. Now it seems like every where we go he wants to come along. I get it he is lonely and doesn't want to feel left out but it is a challenge. Small comments are thrown here and there, like he always orders desert, I'm ready to go, we hardly ever order dessert at a restaurant. A comment like "Ill make him get me ice cream on the way home" really gets me going. Not like "Hey if we stop Ill buy". Or telling a relative I gave him a cramp cubby to live in, he got my huge sunny office for his living room, the second biggest bedroom and his own bathroom (share with our adult daughters once a month)! He doesn't close doors, turn off lights or the AC. I have to clean up after his dog in my house and outside. Yes it is getting tough. There is no way I could have put him in low income housing as to the money but this was my choice. Now my sister bought him a smart phone and she is paying for it but now I have to teach him how to use it! I have enough to do! It is like the divorced parent that sees the kid on the weekend and buys them what ever they want and the parent they live with has to deal with it.
I am home 24 hours a day at times, he does not pay attention to his dogs needs which is why his house was a mess with dog urine. He lets him down the stairs while we are getting our morning going and now his dog is in need to care while he goes about his business. My garage is so full it will never be empty, now I have to see about putting items in storage at a cost which I do not have. I have paid for part of the move but he has not offered to help with the cost. OK I am venting here, sorry......
As far a getting him out, he did see a job, I am sure they wont hire him due to his age and limited mobility (he moves around but his weight and knees are slowing him down). The job requires a phone and car which he has, knowledge of the business he has but he needs a laptop, now I have to buy him a laptop? Even if he buys it I will be the one doing all the work!
Here is my question after all this rambling.
What kind of job can I get him at 78? He knows construction and sales very well.
Who would hire him?
How do I I get him to agree to go to an exercise program without me having to go?
He is so used to being taken care of the air is out of the balloon on motivation unless he is spending money.

Does it have to be a job? Can he volunteer somewhere using all of his knowledge and experience?

Your dessert story reminds me of my mom. I never order dessert when I go out. She always tried to. Often I would tell her I was way too stuffed. It really did start to get under my skin.

On the phone - they still make flip phones with buttons if you want to nix the smartphone. I can't imagine trying to learn a smartphone at 78.
On wanting to go everywhere you do - I understand that he's lonely and enjoying being around you all the time, but this is where you will need to gently assert your need to spend time alone with your wife, your daughter. If you wait for him to say " no, you two go and have a good time", you may end up with that never happening.
On the job - would he be good at teaching at the local vocational school? People who've been in the field have a wealth of really good information in construction.
On the dessert - sounds like my mom, too. She doesn't ask, it's " you need to" or "I'll get x to do that for me". It's a control thing. Which is why you would benefit from setting boundaries now. The best advice my sister gave me was to tell Mom "that's not possible" and leaving it at that. It covers everything from spending to going out.