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Dad started showing signs 2 years ago. I suggested then that he seek treatment, that new medications can slow the progression...but mom, who controls everything wouldn't see it. Now his illness has progressed to the point that he has become violent. The man's never had more than a speeding ticket and has always been a 'turn the cheek' kinda person. Mother has always been verbally and mentally abusive to him and he always treated her with love an respect, even when she didn't deserve it. Now he's snapping on her when she makes her comments or calls him names. He is now in jail because he tried to choak her. She thought she could call the law and they'd see she was the poor victim and tell him to be nice to her and that would be the end of it. But, he admitted the cops he did it and they arrested him. Poor man again became upset and they charged him with resisting. He's an elderly man, I'd think that law enforcement would have taken him for an evaluation, but no...they booked him. Now he sits in jail confused and frightened. He doesn't understand why he's there or that he can't see my mom. I am calling his lawyer tomorrow and seeing if I can get the lawyer to petition for a mental evaluation and for him to be released into medical care. Mom doesn't want this, she thinks he can get out come home and now go see a doc and everything will be just like it's always been. She has never worked or did much with herself. She was always his princess. He worked, cleaned, cooked and drove her everywhere to shop. Now she's morbidly obese and change drive due to lack of practice and mobility from obesity. She is having to cook and clean up after herself and she is very angry. I feel like I'm dealing with 2 children. Pray for me. Any suggestions?

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Ginabb,

This must be unbearably stressful for you; I'm so sorry!


First off, your dad needs a lawyer. He is in jail, and that is not something family is going to be able to negotiate on their own.

Having a record of this kind can keep your dad of many facilities, so you need a lawyer asap to negotiate and clear his record.

Lawyer should petition for an inpatient psychiatric evaluation, perhaps at a senior behavioral unit. And then placement where he can get the proper level of care.

Your mother needs a complete psychiatric and metabolic workup. It sounds as though there is undiagnosed mental illness, personality disorder and/or dementia going on on her side of the fence. If she couldn't work out that calling the cops might land dad in jail, she's not playing with a full deck of cards.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this!
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This is a good time to advocate for your father and talk to the police about taking him to the ER for admission and evaluation. It would be great if the hospital had a geriatric psychiatry department. They could help get him stabilized on medications that will help with the agitation and aggression. People with dementia often become violent out of fear and confusion. I hope they are able to find some way to calm him. It sounds to me like some time away from your mother in a safe environment may be exactly what a doctor would order.

It the police won't help directly, see about hiring an attorney. 
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First thanks for all the supportive advice. Here's an UPDATE. I have contacted law enforcement, all lawyers and the local Social Services office. It seems that all are very familiar with my parents. Remember, I live 2 hours away in another state. All of my family live in this small community and have known my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. for years) My grandparents were solid pillars in the community. My parents never took to their roots and moved away for most of their life, and only moved back after my father retired. After a 30 minute personal conversation with the Captain of the small police department, I found out that he has personally been monitoring the situation and hoping to speak with me, but didn't know how to contact me until I reached out. My mother has been calling the police about my father for quite a while. He also said that he suspected that she provoked him, yet doesn't want him to seek treatment. I felt much better after speaking with him, because I know someone else believes me and isn't thinking I am bad mouthing my mother. So many times throughout the years she has convenience people that I am a spoiled, hateful daughter who lies about her mother. Finally, I just cut contact and so I didn't have to bother defending myself. At the moment the county has stepped in and put protective orders in affect to keep him from contacting her for her 'safety', in truth theses were put into place to keep her from making descisions for him and keeping him from mental healthcare. The county has also started a wellness assessment on his home life, relationship and will conduct testing to determine if he does in deed have a cognitive issue or not. Maybe he doesn't, maybe it's just 'depression' from 'these people' that is causing all his problems. That is her excuse. She says the locals are stupid and that's why she moved away all those years, now she's stuck back there because of Dad. She says she's going to sale the house and move to another state when he comes home.....She just don't get it. It's not 'everyone else' and you can't run away from it. The Captain seems to think she's trying to take him away so that she has better control of the situation. I think he's right. Good thing the 'those people' are helping me look out for my Dad. 'Those people' might just be helping save his life and hers. They are all working together to help people who refuse to help themselves. I for one kinda wish I had grown up there, 'those people' are good people.
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I would also like to say let your mom deal with the fallout of having no one home to wait on her hand and foot.. you did not cause this problem, Take care of Dads problems, and let her have a bit of a wake up call.. and I agree she needs help too.. This reminds me of parents who get peeved at thier children and call the cops,, thinking they will"scare the kid and give them a talking to" and are all suprised when kid gets taken to juvie! This is not adult rational thinking. Good luck!
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I agree, you have to make them aware of his dementia and ask if they can use that to get him help. If not, u need a lawyer. You may want to consider an alternative to him living with Mom. People like her will not be able to deal with a dementia person.
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That is really wonderful news that the local folks are actually looking out for your dad!
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Ginabb, I know you're heart felt a bit warmer after talking to the captain. I felt better reading what you wrote. Big hugs. I hope you can work this out without having to hire a criminal attorney. They can be expensive. It sounds like the police didn't consider it a criminal matter.
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