Dad's home on hospice. Do we tell him?

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My father is home on hospice care. He hasn’t gotten out of bed in over 2 mos. He is extremely weak and can’t turn over due to weakness. My mother has to feed him. His quality of life is horrible. His mind is good and there is no dementia. He hasn’t acknowledged he is “ dying” and as far as he knows he is getting home care due to his weakness. I don’t want to cause him anxiety and make what is already a misearable existence worse. How does one approach? My mother doesn’t want him to know he is dying. It’s a very sad situation because he is not imminent but is definitely not getting better.

Answers 1 to 7 of 7
This is such a hard decision. First you have your mom saying don't tell him. If you do you will have her to deal with. My father knew and it was me who told him about 3 days before his death. He was so hopeful that he would pull through and live, his mind was clear as a bell. I have to think about myself and I would want to be told. There might be things that need to be said. So yes I would tell him as gently as possible.
Top Answer
Katsee, please follow your Mom's wishes, she knows your Dad a lot longer and knows how he would react if someone told him he was on Hospice. Usually men don't acknowledge they are dying, they just don't. They don't want to worry the family.

Telling your Dad might cause high anxiety, thus Dad would need meds to calm his nerves, which in turn will make him too sleepy to have any type of conversation. Please don't do that to your Mom, she wants to keep him alert.
Dear Katsee,

I'm very sorry hear about your dad's condition. It is an extremely difficult time. I would try and do what your mom wants. Your dad probably does know but maybe doesn't want to speak the words out loud.

My main regret is knowing my dad was weakened by his stroke but still believing he had years ahead of him. I wished so badly I had asked him more, or told him even that I knew he did his best for his children. That I cared and wanted him to be happy. That I hoped he could forgive me for any of my shortcomings. Take this time to be with your dad and cherish your time with him. Do whatever it takes to make him comfortable and bring him some joy.

Thinking of you and your family. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.
Im in the same situation. I feel like I’m telling a lies and keeping secrets from him. I felt that he needs to know what’s going on since it’s his life but I’m scared he can’t handle the truth and it’s gonna backfire. He just think that he’s weak and will get better but there are days. If he doesn’t know then he won’t be upset or stress about it but it’s giving him false hopes. So confusing.
Well since none of us control the universe, you could tell him that things aren't looking too good, but he could always pull through. See how he responds. If he wants more details on things not looking good, then he probably wants the honest details. If he ignores that and focuses on the positive, he probably doesn't.

I'm someone who would want to be told. I would want to say what I wanted to say and make sure my affairs were all in order. But a very good friend of mine who was dying of kidney cancer just ignored that he was dying. I think he couldn't face the truth. So everyone is different in how they handle things. That was a learning experience for me. I think we have to honor how each person wants to handle their situation.
Your situation is unique to you, so handle it the way mom thinks is best. Your dad doesn't notice he's taking meds for pain and anxiety? He doesn't ask? Somewhere inside him, he knows he's failing.

My dad CHOSE to be placed on Hospice Care. He was so grateful to be exiting this world. We spent a lot of time with him, just loving him, talking to him whether he was alert or not. I have a special love of that time, just me and my daddy, talking, not talking, me just holding his hand, watching him slip peacefully into the next world. After so much suffering, this was a huge blessing.

As long as dad is comfortable, and loved, you just let him have this peace. If telling him would upset him unduly, don't do it.
I clicked thumbs up on all of the responses. None of them are wrong. This is a highly individual decision.

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