Dad sleeps on the family room couch, so it needs to be made up before bed, and has to be taken apart in the morning. He used to take care of this himself every day. About 3 months ago, he said that he just waits to have my mom set it up before bed, almost as if he were getting away with something. So now mom and I set it up for him before bed every night.
Over the past two days, he woke me up with bathroom difficulties, so I was nice and put his bed away. Now I woke up this morning and he was watching tv waiting for me to come down and put his bed away. I was p***ed off because I knew he would do this. I refuse to be a sucker because he wants to be lazy or because he thinks he’s getting the best of me. Two things: I have MS and it’s difficult for me to do his bed, and the process of putting up or taking down the bed takes about 30 minutes.
I don’t want to get locked into him expecting this every morning, where it becomes my chore, especially since he can get it done faster than I can, and since I’m already doing it every evening. That’s enough. He seems to take advantage of generosity. Or am I being selfish? What’s the best way to stop this now so he understands that I can’t do everything for him? For some reason, being honest somehow doesn’t feel like the best option.
I think that you may need a bit of education as regards dementia, and the types of behaviors involved.
The internet is your friend in this search for knowledge. Do also speak with Dad's doctors and tell them that you need some help coping with his behaviors.
Not everyone is capable of living with and coping with dementia of a family member. Dad may need to move into care. APS can help you if you have housing and care issues, and can provide you with some choices.
There will be many more issues that making up the bed soon enough. And none of them sadly are "fixable". It's time to find options and prepare.
It sounds like dad can do this, and this is probably just the start of you learning to set some boundaries. Tell dad that you're not doing this anymore, if it doesn't get done , tell your mom your not doing what he can do for himself, and your not doing anything that is not good for you to do with your disability. Your health has to come first!!
For any of us - if/when card needs exceed what we can do for ourself, we will need help. Usually from people we live with or can visit to start. Then more visiting help (more family, or aides). If/when this no longer works at home, moving into a place with round the clock care.
Dad may be a long way off that.. but it may be good to look at the whole picture now.
The care arrangement has to work for EVERYONE in the care team.