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She had a stroke and we differ in opinion as to whether she can be a part of her end of life decisions.

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I think that is great advice. I will check with the nursing home first, and then who would be good to contact? He is not one to spend time on himself, nor would want attention brought to his weaknesses. I am already treading on thin ground here with him, but will give this a try if my brothers can help out a bit. Thanks for the advice.
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Kieseljr, I'm glad that's not the case. Clearly your dad is very broken up about what's happened to your mom. Will he seek some help for himself, perhaps antidepressants or therapy? It seems as though he needs a sounding board right now, and as objective as you sound, family is just not the right fit at times of stress like this.

He needs someone who can hear him yell at them and hear it for a howl of pain. You are in your own pain right now; please take care of yourself and let us know how this goes.
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@txcamper captain and jeangibbs - your insights and care are truly appreciated. This is a very difficult time for my family. I am heartbroken about all of this. On the bright side, I am still able to see mom for the mean time, and will take this moment by moment.
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@ pamstegma I have been married for 32 years and will report this inappropriate post. The picture you choose to post speaks a thousand words.

@babalou I am certain this is not the case.
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Kiesel, obviously you never married. Even if he was not her POA, a husband has undeniable posession and protection of his wife. Respect that the two became as one a long time ago. Never get between a husband and a wife, even if they are relatives. It's a very important boundary.
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Are you in fact talking to your mom about these issues at the NH? Is it possible that mom says to Dad, "I do wish X would stop talking about all that, it's upsetting me"?
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As I am fully aware that this is a sensitive time for you, I will just say that it is my understanding that the Living Will spells out end of life wishes. Since she is able to speak and think, she may have told your father things that she hasn't told you.

I'm especially sorry that your dad is having this reaction and taking out his anger on you. He isn't thinking about the fact that you are hurting too.
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So true. And in fact they do have it all in writing. They've been married for 55 years and he has been with her in hospital/rehab/skilled nursing rehab every day since it happened. She is his sole purpose, so I am OK stepping aside. I just wish he would not push me away. The catch 22 of it all is who is to say if she has her mental faculties enough to make these decisions? How is this finally determined, besides perceptions of the loved ones?
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This is such a sad story. And it really underscores the need to have everything in writing long before you think it will be needed. And not just in writing, make sure your loved ones know how you feel.

People who have been together for a very long time can't see life without each other. We had friends who recently died 2 days apart after being married for over 60 years.

Each person needs a separate will and Living Will. Powers of Attorney need to be assigned. This is a wake up call for a lot of us.

I am so sorry that you seem to be losing both of your parents at the same time.
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She is able to speak and think and remember. I think she is more able to be a part of her care decisions and would want to be. She is just very physically disabled. He thinks my speaking to her about her future care decisions just causes her more stress. This is what precipitated the threat and verbal abuse toward me. All decisions are his to make on his own now. I am tired of trying to help whilst he is increasingly being combative about anything that veers from his opinion. He comes home to my house and drinks and is unhappy. His threat made me realize where I stand with him. And I will still see my mom as long as I can. I love my parents and will help when I can, but I will not be threatened. I draw the line there. He has been living with me since mom had her stroke. I have now asked him to leave and he has. I have been supporting them for the past two months since moms stroke with basically everything. I think he is somehow mentally becoming more and more protective of her. Cocooning around her so to speak. He is in mental misery and refuses to try to find anything positive about this experience. My hope is to remain in my moms life as long as I can, and be an advocate for her. Dad is on his own miserable journey, I am saddened to say, and I choose not to ride that train. Thank you for your insights.
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I think txcamper is right legally, but captain is right in practice. It is possible that your father could talk the NH into restricting visitors even though he doesn't have the legal right to.

But even without the POA, her husband has more say about decisions on her behalf than you do. If you think X should be done and he thinks Y should be done, then Y it is. Knowing that maybe you'd be better off not fighting him. Persuasion is your main tool here.

Is mother unable to speak for herself at this time?
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sadly , poa can have about any powers that the NH staff permits them to have . NH favors the person who writes the checks so to speak .
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I think he's confusing Power of Attorney with Guardianship.

I don't think POA has anything to do with saying who can visit. If he has Medical POA, he has the right to make decisions on her behalf, so your opinion would be just that, an opinion. Is your mother mentally debilitated? Does she have a Living Will in place? I'm sorry about your mother's stroke and the arguing between you and your dad. That's so unfortunate.
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