Dad won't let the caregiver help. I think I'm about to lose my mind. Any advice?

Your poor mother!

And poor you!

What would happen if you could not longer stop by daily? Like, if you came down with the flu?

Okay, you asked for advice, right?

Is staying in their home really the best thing for your parents right now? How is dad going to get to chemo? Is he going to allow the CG to drive him?

Would your parents be better served, even short term, in a nice Assisted Living facility? Have you looked into that?

Has your father always been inconsiderate and uncooperative or is this something new? Does he have a stated reason why he doesn't want the CG's help? My father with vascular dementia didn't want any CG in his home because he was sure they were going to steal from him or set him up for someone else to break in... could that be a part of your father's problem?

Can you tell your father that if he won't let Tammy help him, they will probably have to go to AL? Tell him that's usually more than she costs, because there are two of them, but it would be necessary since he needs help in several ways...

I think you need to have a chat with Tammy - she needs to be able to defuse the cisis of the day without dumping all over you at the end of the day. If your mom has cognitive problems then she needs a calming influence to steady her not someone who joins the hyperbole, if she can't manage that then I question whether she is really up for the job.

Wow ... you have your hands full! I have a mother who lived alone and wouldn't let anyone other than family help her. Anyone who was sent by the local health authority ended up being a visit only for her, and they weren't really allowed to do anything except sit and chat. We did quite a bit of probing and one thing that came to mind that might help you, is to find a male companion for your dad. He might just be shy. The companion wouldn't have to live in, but could help your dad with his hygiene on a regular basis. Just a thought.

Sounds like you need a more assertive care giver . My mother pushed back and the person we hired (Rosairo) had all the skills to deal with my mother in a diplomatic way. Mom soon realized that Rosario was there to help and assist her. Homerun.
Our only regret is we didn't have the skills as adult children to deal with my fathers health and mental well being. In other words we try to do what a professional does day in and day out. He's gone now but he lived his last few years in comfort and pain free. Good luck!!

With your Dad starting chemo he should qualify for a shower person. Speak with the doctor and the doctor can place the order.

You are at the point to enjoy the time with your parents.

I’m not sure where you live, most grocery stores deliver.

I agree that starting to have groceries delivered is an excellent first step.

Learn to be assertive with both of your parents because it's not Tammy's job to get in the middle of your parents' interpersonal marriage dynamic.

When you say "we pay her 1k a week" is that your money, your parents' money, or both? If it's only your parents' money then they are her employers, which puts both you and Tammy in an awkward position.

Do you have durable power of attorney? Are you authorized legally to make decisions for your parents? If so, then assert your authority, draw up a task list, create a schedule for Tammy including time off, post it on the fridge, and enforce it. If you and your mother come running each and every time your dad throws a hissy fit over Tammy then he doesn't need to accept Tammy as his caregiver.

Dad belongs Now in Hospice, Suggest this to Mom. If Mom doesn't Comply with this Guy, Then she is Enabling a Bad and Sad Situation with a Difficult Man who always seems to Have the Upper Hand...

I think I'd lose my mind as well. How about hospice care? Some new faces on the scene...I would hate to have Tammy lose her job, and mom to lose a person she is comfortable with...but maybe temporarily...Tammy takes a vacation and someoned dad accepts is brought in. Maybe if they knew you were going to pull back some (i.e. YOU take a vacation) the whole dysfunctional aspect would resolve better. Have the groceries delivered, do the billing 1 x a week, give Tammy a phone number ONLY for emergencies (i.e. use caller id on your current phone and do not answer). She sounds like she may not be a professional caregiver if she is also a party to descending on you on arrival to complain. Not that she doesn't have reason to...but you are clearly conveying impossible expectations she feels she can't meet and has to justify why. You've got a mess. Good luck...

Don't mean to be offensive; but why would you put an 87 year old man with pancreatic cancer through chemo? His life will become a bigger nightmare than it is now. Have you thought this through carefully? This is futile care and should be reconsidered.

Have his doctors mentioned Hospice? I can't imagine someone his age undergoing chemo. Did he knowingly make that decision?

Has his cognition been examined? If he's in crisis every day why? If his wife and a caretaker are not able to manage his care, I'd ask for an assessment. His wife may just have to insist that the aid be used, since she is not able to perform these tasks. Eventually, he will have to accept it.

I agree with others that question if Tammy is up to the job. Maybe there are some classes offered to teach her how to resolve chaos in caregiving. She should know how to get her clients how to let her do her job with the least amount of upset. At the very least she shouldn't be meeting you at the door with the drama, sheesh, no wonder your stressed out.

I think your dad must be very scared, pancreatic cancer is always terminal and we all know that. Doctors will use us as guinea pigs if we allow them. I had a friend that was 42 and only got 6 weeks after chemotherapy and they had no quality, he was just sick and weak, so much more so then before they pumped him full of poison. Something to consider.

Men of his generation don't usually say I'm scared, they say, i don't need that, grrr, I'm not eating that grrr. Know what I mean? He may not feel comfortable with another woman seeing him in his birthday suit. That is not uncommon, especially with the wife right there. Your mom might not understand if she is dealing with her own cognitive issues.

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Hugs!

Hi. Wow. What a load on your shoulders. Here’s what I have learnt. Your father should be getting end of life care. Unless you requested chemo why do this? He needs palliative care in an appropriate setting. This is a waste of time and unnecessary treatment. He is 87. That’s a big number. Perhaps the 1K should be going to that. Also this would make your mothers life better as this must be grinding her into the ground. She deserves calm It’s says for better or worse but it doesn’t say it has to be under the same roof. Let’s others take the load.

Neeniedith,
You have heard about Sundowner's? Try reading about it here on the forum.
Enter it into the search bar.

Maybe all 3 of them are having Sundowner's?

Get Dad checked out for a UTI (urinary tract infection).

That's all I've got. Except anyone capable enough to go for help here on AC, enter their question, is not about to lose their mind, imo. You are about to find some friends to help you; friends who identify with and support you.

So sorry to hear of Dad's serious diagnosis.

Okay, you must now take control. He is no longer going to be the lead person. That's why you hired an expensive caregiver. Perhaps call on the town's social worker to talk to him since he obviously won't listen to you.

I'm so sorry for your current struggle. Most of us here have found ourselves cornered in unworkable caregiving situations. Sometimes you just have to step back and rethink your plan, even when you don't want to.

My 96 year old dad just died last week, after 3 months on Hospice care, probably of cancer. There was severe pain, nausea, vomiting, constipation, chest congestion, difficulty breathing, hallucinations, and various other distresses that arose that required bedside attention and a level of medication that could not be provided on an out-patient basis. He was bed-bound for the last two months, as your father will eventually be. Toward the end it will probably take two people to be able to safely reposition him in his bed or change a soiled disposable undergarment because the person becomes too weak to move themselves in the bed to assist. Your mom would have to be able to do that with your current aide or dad might need to be in a different care setting.

Hospice will support your dad with medication management and pharmacy home delivery, nurses, doctors, aides for bed baths, a social worker for the situation, and probably grief counseling for you and your mom when the time comes. Medicare pays for all of this to be provided in his home or any other appropriate setting. Hospice works with many different kinds of care providers and can help you arrange a placement if necessary. I had my dad in a Board & Care at the end. It was a very nice, private home with five other residents and two caregivers on duty during the day and one during the night. He had his own room and bath and I was able to bring his furniture and familiar things. Family members were able to spend as much time as they wanted during the day. I was thankful for the extra help at the end and blessed to have so many people around me providing support and friendship.

Your dad has lived a long, full life and exceeded his life expectancy. That is something to be thankful for and a reason in and of itself to honor his life with the gentlest passing you can provide. I think chemo would will be of little benefit and could actually hasten his death because of his age and fragility. I hope you'll reconsider and focus on providing the maximum end-of-life support instead. He's going to need it with, or without, chemo because death by cancer is difficult.

Sending strength and hugs.

I’m so glad your dad has chosen hospice. How sad that our healthcare system is more focused on ‘fixing’ the elderly than caring for them.
The addition of hospice to the ‘care team’ of you, your mom, and the care aide may be just what’s needed.

Also, it sound like you really trust Tammy. Have you considered cutting back on your visits to let her establish her role without your dad using you as sounding board and ally for coping with the vulnerability and pain he’s feeling.

He definitely “doesn’t know what’s good for him,” but is grappling with the loss of control by exercising whatever irrational control he can. Take a break a few days a week and see how it goes.

I know that Mom's caregiver is great at what she does. It took this angel to get Mom to tak her showers, change clothes, etc. But this angel has a way of speaking to Mom to convince Mom to do things. A little coaxing a little convincing because when I try to do it, Mom is totally against anything I ask her to do. She wants to do things of her own thoughts, not me. The caregiver knows when to let up if she is not convincing Mom. She does not want to irritate Mom into a bad mood. Finally I found someone who thinks as I do in most things. My support page on Facebook share many things we try for our loved ones. Caregiver Nation.....

Hell be worse on chemo than he is now. It makes them so sick and weak he will have to let the caregiver help him.

I have read all of the answers here and see quite a lot of good advice. I was going to suggest a male companion or nurse for your father but some one already has. My brother was very shy and was very put off when the AL he was in made him take a shower with a girl watching him so he did not fall. He told me he kept his back to her the whole time. A lot of men do not want women to take care of their personal care. If you are going to have Hospice it might be better if there is a Hospice facility near you to move your father there and just keep your mother at home. You can take her to visit every day when you go over there after work with the groceries. Knowing what your father did for a living explanes a lot about how he thinks and acts. Both my dad and brother and BIL were men in charge of other men and they were all kind of bossy. If you can have your dad in a separate Hospice Home he will have 24 hour care to manage his pain and every thing else. It might make your and your mother's lives easier knowing your father is close by and being taken care of with out all the daily drama. I hope this suggestion will help. My prayers are with you.

I would suggest a few things. Tammy needs to be more assertive. You shouldn't be walking in on a crisis everyday.

A male aid to come in a few times a week to get your father a shower would be an excellent idea. More money but it gets the job done. And remind your father it is costing more money because he is being resistant to Tammy's help.

Stop enabling them. Do not stop by every night after work. You need a life too. Start cutting down the visits. They have an 'illusion of independence' because you are the one running around keeping all the balls in the air.

Everyone needs to get out of the mind set that they have to make their parent happy every moment of the day and that the parent gets exactly what they want. The rest of the world doesn't work that way. You just need to get the job done.

As an RN , I offer you great support. I too have experienced a family member who went through pancreatic cancer. Your father is truly experiencing all this because of the cancer. He knows what he feels and it is a tough one here. I recommend to have his medical doctor put him on hospice because they will give you and him so much help at home. Even free care at the home, diet concerns and free nutrition, supplies, pain medications, bowel concerns for his comfort. They have a team that support and comfort cancer patients greatly. Your dad will gain a better comfort level and support level that will help him get through this in a way he can deal better. You will be surprised of the difference it will make for all of your happiness and calming needs right now. God blesses you!