Dad won't let the caregiver help. I think I'm about to lose my mind. Any advice?

Okay, you asked for advice, right?

Is staying in their home really the best thing for your parents right now? How is dad going to get to chemo? Is he going to allow the CG to drive him?

Would your parents be better served, even short term, in a nice Assisted Living facility? Have you looked into that?

I think you need to have a chat with Tammy - she needs to be able to defuse the cisis of the day without dumping all over you at the end of the day. If your mom has cognitive problems then she needs a calming influence to steady her not someone who joins the hyperbole, if she can't manage that then I question whether she is really up for the job.

Don't mean to be offensive; but why would you put an 87 year old man with pancreatic cancer through chemo? His life will become a bigger nightmare than it is now. Have you thought this through carefully? This is futile care and should be reconsidered.

Wow ... you have your hands full! I have a mother who lived alone and wouldn't let anyone other than family help her. Anyone who was sent by the local health authority ended up being a visit only for her, and they weren't really allowed to do anything except sit and chat. We did quite a bit of probing and one thing that came to mind that might help you, is to find a male companion for your dad. He might just be shy. The companion wouldn't have to live in, but could help your dad with his hygiene on a regular basis. Just a thought.

Your poor mother!

And poor you!

What would happen if you could not longer stop by daily? Like, if you came down with the flu?

With your Dad starting chemo he should qualify for a shower person. Speak with the doctor and the doctor can place the order.

You are at the point to enjoy the time with your parents.

I’m not sure where you live, most grocery stores deliver.

I agree that starting to have groceries delivered is an excellent first step.

Learn to be assertive with both of your parents because it's not Tammy's job to get in the middle of your parents' interpersonal marriage dynamic.

When you say "we pay her 1k a week" is that your money, your parents' money, or both? If it's only your parents' money then they are her employers, which puts both you and Tammy in an awkward position.

Do you have durable power of attorney? Are you authorized legally to make decisions for your parents? If so, then assert your authority, draw up a task list, create a schedule for Tammy including time off, post it on the fridge, and enforce it. If you and your mother come running each and every time your dad throws a hissy fit over Tammy then he doesn't need to accept Tammy as his caregiver.

Hi. Wow. What a load on your shoulders. Here’s what I have learnt. Your father should be getting end of life care. Unless you requested chemo why do this? He needs palliative care in an appropriate setting. This is a waste of time and unnecessary treatment. He is 87. That’s a big number. Perhaps the 1K should be going to that. Also this would make your mothers life better as this must be grinding her into the ground. She deserves calm It’s says for better or worse but it doesn’t say it has to be under the same roof. Let’s others take the load.

I'm so sorry for your current struggle. Most of us here have found ourselves cornered in unworkable caregiving situations. Sometimes you just have to step back and rethink your plan, even when you don't want to.

My 96 year old dad just died last week, after 3 months on Hospice care, probably of cancer. There was severe pain, nausea, vomiting, constipation, chest congestion, difficulty breathing, hallucinations, and various other distresses that arose that required bedside attention and a level of medication that could not be provided on an out-patient basis. He was bed-bound for the last two months, as your father will eventually be. Toward the end it will probably take two people to be able to safely reposition him in his bed or change a soiled disposable undergarment because the person becomes too weak to move themselves in the bed to assist. Your mom would have to be able to do that with your current aide or dad might need to be in a different care setting.

Hospice will support your dad with medication management and pharmacy home delivery, nurses, doctors, aides for bed baths, a social worker for the situation, and probably grief counseling for you and your mom when the time comes. Medicare pays for all of this to be provided in his home or any other appropriate setting. Hospice works with many different kinds of care providers and can help you arrange a placement if necessary. I had my dad in a Board & Care at the end. It was a very nice, private home with five other residents and two caregivers on duty during the day and one during the night. He had his own room and bath and I was able to bring his furniture and familiar things. Family members were able to spend as much time as they wanted during the day. I was thankful for the extra help at the end and blessed to have so many people around me providing support and friendship.

Your dad has lived a long, full life and exceeded his life expectancy. That is something to be thankful for and a reason in and of itself to honor his life with the gentlest passing you can provide. I think chemo would will be of little benefit and could actually hasten his death because of his age and fragility. I hope you'll reconsider and focus on providing the maximum end-of-life support instead. He's going to need it with, or without, chemo because death by cancer is difficult.

Sending strength and hugs.

Has your father always been inconsiderate and uncooperative or is this something new? Does he have a stated reason why he doesn't want the CG's help? My father with vascular dementia didn't want any CG in his home because he was sure they were going to steal from him or set him up for someone else to break in... could that be a part of your father's problem?