Dad with dementia won’t let us help him shower anymore. Looking to hire someone. Does it matter if we hire a man or woman?

Reading your other comments, especially the fact that he allowed his daughter(s) to help him dress & shower prior to the advance of his dementia, his reluctance probably isn't a gender thing but rather associated with his dementia. Whereas I said in my prior reply that I'd never allow a woman to help me shower, I'd allow any woman in the world to do it before I'd allow my daughter to help dress or shower me.

Good luck as you navigate this difficult and heartbreaking phase of your father's healthcare.

For my husband, it hasn't mattered as far as gender. He was uncomfortable with one in the beginning because he thought she had a crush on him because she seemed to hover whenever he was walking to be sure he didn't fall.... I spoke to her and she backed off and they get along better... then recently told her she talked too loud so she is working on that! I feel it is all about their technique and personality that matters the most. Just like social situations, sometimes you are comfortable and other times you aren't and it isn't any one thing that makes it work, however he mainly has been uncomfortable with the younger aides.

As far as your father changing his attitude about you helping, I have noticed my husband's attitude changing as his dementia progresses. It is not something I can put my finger on to give a good example, but at times it seems similar to how he was years ago as far as wanting or not wanting things done in certain ways.

Male or female should work unless he has balked at a specific gender working with him in the past - like in a hospital.

Ltracy: Since you've stated that your father is "good with his female Dr" perhaps you can get a home health aid of either gender.

I don't think it has anything to do with hiring someone to shower him since you all have been doing it for two years. Sounds like his dementia is progressing. Have you asked him why he won't let his children shower him? Have you asked dad what his preference is?

Why did they delete all the gender identity stuff? That's what I mean about the censorship regarding this "protected new class of people." So much censorship going on with this and covid, it is sickening.

I think a man would prefer to be tended to by a man. My father had issues with that. He refused to be helped by our female aide. and the aide really tried but she was only able to do so much.

I actually posted on line looking for a helper who was male. Didn’t get any responses. I think they are hard to come by.

He eventually had incontinence and mobility issues and allowed our aide to help him because he did not have a choice.

Good luck!

My 90 y/o mother lives in ALC. She absolutely refuses male shower aides and I don’t disagree with her on that at all. In her place I would feel the same. Ask your father what he wants then do your best to achieve that. Best of luck.

I don't have experience, however it seems reasonable that a man/elder would be more comfortable with a man/care provider.

If the man/elder is gay identified, a female/care provider may be better.

Remember, we are 'hard' wired [not a good term] generally speaking in how we respond to the opposite sex, although certainly a percentage of the population world-wide is same gender identified for partners, relationships. However people are drawn or how they relate to either female or males could be a trigger - in all kinds of ways.

Ask yourself these questions_______________________

Depending on how and what kind of dementia, could you / did you ask your dad?

Does he have caregivers/providers now?
Interview care providers with your dad and see how he responds (for general care and/or hygiene needs).

More than showers, at some point he may have incontinenence needs so it is IMPORTANT to have someone there your dad is comfortable with - it might be ANYONE that isn't family.

* If he is cognizant enough to not want family members involved in personal hygiene matters, he is (likely) cognizant enough to know who / which sex he is comfortable with 'helping him.'

* I have heard too that some people with dementia are afraid of the water, feeling they may drown. Do consider this when talking to your dad, or observing him.

* Certainly, there is a 'professional' distance with an elder interacting with an outside care provider and the family member. I believe 'most' elders needing care would prefer the same-sex (as they are) to help them in personal hygiene matters.

* If needing someone stronger to manage wheelchairs or lifting, consider that a male may be a better fit.

* * *

Gena / Touch Matters

Which would your father prefer?

My observations:

1. Most older men prefer women care providers. Most older women prefer women care providers.

2. My mother objected to showers. For years she received bed baths and hair washing while in bed. She was always clean, and always comfortable.

I had a female CNA and she did a Terrific Job with My Dad .

We had an amazing woman who would don a swim suit and enter the shower with a male LO of mine.

Previously a VERY modest man, his dementia had advanced to the point at which he didn’t object, and she was amazingly skilled at caring for him.

What you need is someone with experience showering a stubborn elder suffering from dementia. A no nonsense get-er-done attitude but who's also got enough charm to win dad over. That will trump age, sex, and everything else.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn all about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet, including a section about bathing.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Best of luck.  

So here is my opinion - and that and $6 will get you a Starbucks LOL.

With my FIL we had a horrible time finding the "perfect" match for a bath aide. The agency sent multiple people and we started with him barely letting them in the house, much less the bathroom. We moved from in the bathroom to him keeping the shower curtain wrapped around him. Then it was him not letting them actually bathe him.

Here is what we found.

1. My FIL is almost 90. He is "old-fashioned" (read: male chauvinist) so we thought he would not want women bathing him. So we actually started by requesting a male bath aide. That was the ONLY request we ever actually made.
2. My FIL is also homophobic and could not wrap his head around why a man would want to bathe other men. So completely lost his mind when a man arrived to bathe him. Scratch that idea. Back to the drawing board.
3. We thought maybe an "older" woman in his mind might be safer - someone that wasn't the age of say his granddaughters - closer to his daughter's age might at least settle him. That didn't work - they were too bossy - aka - they didn't listen to him when he said he didn't want to do certain things - if they pertained to his safety lol.
4. He was ok with YOUNG female bath aides - the prettier the better - which - EWWWWWW. Dear God, we couldn't give that too much thought.

But quite honestly - we never made any special requests after asking for a male bath aide that first time - we took whomever the agency sent - some days he got a bath - some days he didn't. He did finally take to a few of them - they won him over.

You could ask him if he has a preference. But honestly - if you are using an agency - we found that most of the ones we used had a much higher % of female team members than male.

You know your father. We don't. What is your experience of him? Do you feel it would matter greatly to him?