They both need nursing and personal care. Both in late stages. I was looking after them 24/7 with no time for myself or my own family. He would not accept outside help and expected me at 65yrs old with osteoarthritis to shop, cook, clean, do paperwork, take them to Dr appts, hospital appts, be called in the middle of the night to attend emergencies etc etc. with no thought to how it was affecting my health. Everything I did was apparently wrong. I have been pushed about by him, walloped by my mum etc. I knew this was their dementias making them do this but that didn’t help my situation. The final straw today was when I visited them at the home and he said angrily that I had put them there because it was easier for me. He said that if something happened to him he didn’t want my mum to be in the home. My mum is in late stages Alzheimers, has lost the ability to walk, speak, feed herself and has trouble swallowing, is doubly incontinent etc. I cannot manage to look after her full time. At the home she and my dad receive excellent care. My mum seems happy and content though confused, my dad refuses any help whatsoever, refuses to go to his bed, sits up all night in his chair and as a result has very swollen feet and legs and sores, refuses to have his dressings changed, refuses showers at times and refuses to change his clothes. He is also blind. I am at my wits end. I don’t want him to think badly of me at the end of his life as I love them and have done so so much for them for years. I feel that I haven’t had my retirement yet. Help!
1. "Everything I did was apparently wrong."
2. "I don’t want him to think badly of me at the end of his life"
If the dementia is causing him to think #1, then it may not be possible, logically, to resolve #2.
I would try VERY HARD not to worry about what he (or anyone) thinks of you at the end of their life. You can't control what another person thinks, especially with dementia. You can and should feel gratified and proud within yourself knowing how much you love them and how much wonderful care you gave them (including the decision to place them in a nursing home). That's true with or without his good thoughts about you.
You did what you could for as long as you could, but it stopped making sense, so you did the next correct thing - placed them where they could get all the care they need.
As to you other problem with your dad, as I said to another poster earlier today, your job is to take care of your parents, which means you need to make sure they're safe, have a roof over their heads, and food. You have done that. What you are not required to do is to sacrifice your life and health to do the work that takes an entire staff of trained professionals to do. Your job is to visit and bring news of the family and love them as much as you can.
I don't know how long they've been in the new place, but if it hasn't been too long consider taking a break from visiting for a bit to enable him to settle in and learn to rely on the professionals a bit more. I will say that the dementia patients at my mother's place seem to settle in pretty well after a couple of weeks especially if the families aren't hovering around a lot in the beginning. I had a hard time doing that with my mother, but I finally had to treat it somewhat like when I took my kids to school and had to leave them behind -- they're being cared for, they won't perish from missing me, and I'll be back later.
You are a wonderful daughter and dementia is the Bad Guy here, not you. Sending you a big hug and my best wishes for a peaceful path moving forward
I doubt he is doing this on purpose. Its is the Dementia. I have a feeling he was always a demanding person. The Dementia seems to make this worse. You can't change how he thinks. They seem to get stuck on things. It can be something that happened years ago but they fixate on it. Since this upsets u so much, just visit for a little while or walk out when he gets going.
The funny thing is that he was never a demanding person and the parent I could go to for any problems. 😥
You did the right thing by placing them. What parents do not understand is that we don't want them in a facility either, but sometimes that is the only best choice we have.
This is his dementia speaking out. He would never say these things if his brain wasn't broken. I know it still hurts and it is work to not feel like this is what they really think. It is not. He loves you and somewhere deep inside he remembers everything that you have done and he appreciates it.
Remember to take care of you during this difficult transition and don't make any promises to him.
Don't let him toss the guilt card at you. You are entitled to your life, your retirement.
His behavior is unacceptable, visit less often and when he starts on you leave. Set your boundaries and keep them in place.
I wish you the best!
You are a very responsible daughter and you have done everything right. Don't feel bad, just be proud of yourself for helping your parents for many years. It's draining. And it is time for you to take care of yourself and your deserved retirment. Putting them in the home is the best for them and for your family as they are cared for 24 hour by professionals. Your dad may resist at first, but he will adjust (well or not well) along the way. Blessings to you.