Dad with dementia lives in assisted living facility. Harasses mom everyday about her spending the night. How long will this last?

The only answer here is for your mom to cut down her visits since they're too stressful. Your dad isn't ever going to understand why he can't have things 'his way'...........he has dementia, basically, which means that once he gets an idea stuck in his head, it can't be chopped out with an AXE! So that leaves your mother having to deal with all the stress of these visits and the problems it's causing her. She's already been unhappy in this marriage for years, is just now starting to clean up the hoard and put HER life back together, so why is she visiting so much??

Make a new plan; visit X amount of times in a month and no more. Plan the visit around meal time so there's something to actually DO besides sit there and talk about sleep over's and why she can't and making up 'therapeutic fibs' and all that jazz. Sit down to a meal at the ALF, and then go for a nice walk around the grounds, or sit down for a rousing game of bingo, and voila, it's time to leave. Sorry dear, it's against regulations for me to spend the night, as much as I'd love to. See you next time. And off you go. Substitute some in-person visits for phone calls, keep the duration short, and end the calls when the subject gets around to When Are You Coming to Visit and Spend the Night? With dementia, their attention span is severely limited ANYWAY, so hopefully he'll forget and let the matter go. The key with dementia folks asking repetitive questions is to redirect them; change the subject; draw his attention to something else. Bring along a photo album and pop it out when the talk gets back to sleeping over. Bring a few snacks.........it's amazing how a snack can divert a person's attention ENTIRELY away from the subject he was obsessing about 2 seconds ago.

I know it's hard for your dad, but it's hard for your mom, too. Let her know it's okay for her not to devote all her time and energy to him in the ALF. He's fine, he's being taken care of, and his needs are being tended to. There is entertainment, activities, friends to make and chat with, and meals and snacks to keep him busy.

And finally, Google dementia coping techniques and you'll find a ton of helpful information on the subject.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward

Thank you tremendously to everyone. The responses brought tears to my moms eyes and I think you’re all right. Fingers crossed.

Your mom deserves to have some peace in her life and you need to listen to her when she says she doesn't want to do stay with him.  Maybe she even needs to skip a visit or two...

When your dad starts to complain....redirect the conversation.  He doesn't sound like he was ever a happy go lucky, content, self sufficient person and assisted living is not going to make that happen.  Odds are he will complain the entire time he lives there.  Make sure they have him appropriately medicated to treat his issues.

I agree cut back on the visits, not only hers but others as well. He needs to acclimate to his new home. Your mother is entitled to her own life, I am glad to hear that she is starting to do so! I wish her the very best!

His life is different and he is demanding a return to his "normal". You and your mom acknowledge that even his "normal" wasn't healthy for anybody. So, redirect the conversation every single time and don't stay late in the evening.

I have the same problem with my mother. She has been in an ALF since November 1st after a 3 month stay at our home that was a nightmare for me. She wanted me to do everything for her and that resulted in wearing me out and causing tension with my husband.

At the time she was admitted to AL, she was able to do many things for herself but that changed the first week in the ALF. She fell out of bed in the middle of the night and hit her head. She went to the ER and had blood tests and X-rays that showed a significant decline in her health. In addition to dementia, she has COPD and congestive heart failure. She was admitted to hospice when she was discharged from the hospital. Her condition rapidly declined to the point she is so weak she can’t sit up, use the toilet or feed herself. She begs me to take her hone with me every time I go see her (2 times a day to feed her). I tell her I’m not able to care for her physically or mentally in my home and I think it’s time she goes to a nursing home where she will get more help and have a roommate for company. She says she is scared at the ALF she’s at now. She has hallucinations of being somewhere besides where she is and people she used to know.

I'm going to get her set up today at a NH and pray that she understands. She is good at making me feel awful for not taking her home with me. I think we have to do what is best for ourselves bc they have lost all ability to be rational. They have become childlike. Would we let our children tell us they don’t want medical care?

Good luck to you and everyone having this situation with a parent. It is the hardest thing I’ve had to do since her headaches has declined. 🤗🤗

With dementia people are often sure they can take care of themselves and that they have no problems because they have forgotten what has happened recently. Bipolar on top of the dementia makes it even harder to communicate. My mom will often tell the care givers at her assisted living that she can decide for herself when she should have a bath, get dressed, make her lunch, whatever they are trying to help her with, and she of course would never actually do any of these things on her own. I suspect your dad forgets his limitations and the conversations about your mom staying the night, so on and on it goes. He is not aware that he has been told the reasons it isn't possible for her to stay or for him to go home. Recently we gave my mom a toy, a stuffed puppy that looks just like the dog she had. Somewhere in her brain she recognizes the puppy as being like her dog and she takes it everywhere with her, talks to it, cuddles with it, and sleeps with it. She has other stuffed animals in her room, but the puppy really resonates with her. It has redirected her worries quite nicely to have it to take care of. I have no idea how you might do something similar for your dad, but he seems to need something to concentrate his attention on and unfortunately for your mom, it's her. But for her, yes, as you and others suggest, fewer visits will help her.

Cutting back on her visits is a good idea. She can call him more often but if he becomes disrespectful, she can redirect the conversation or hang up. She can tell him a therapeutic fib, like that the facility doesn't allow overnight stays, or some such. I'm sorry, I wish I had a better 'line' to tell him that would work like magic. I realize it stresses your mom out. I wish her all the best -- that she can enjoy her life the way she chooses to live it.

I feel for your mom. Can anyone on the staff be an advocate for your mom?

When I was a caregiver to my mom she went into the hospital after a fall. I was like your mom and went daily to visit her. Why? I knew that she was scared. I was concerned and I went. If it had been moving into a facility permanently I would not have gone daily. When she was in rehab I went nearly everyday but skipped a couple of days. We had issues that I needed to monitor, follow up with and be her advocate. Otherwise, I would have taken a bit more time for myself.

Anyway, I was exhausted in the evening and couldn’t wait to go home and get sleep because I hadn’t had the house to myself in years.

The very first evening that mom was in the hospital she said to me, “Why don’t you spend the night instead of driving home when you are tired?” I was shocked that she would suggest spending the night and was about to answer, telling her no that I would not spend the night, when the nurse promptly told her, “Your daughter is exhausted and needs a good night’s sleep.” Mom would not dream of contradicting her. After that mom did not ask.

I think she was thinking about how she spent the night with me when I was 12 to remove my tonsils and expected me to do the same. In many ways, we do become their parents but I never wanted mom to lose her dignity because I cared for her. She had been in the hospital before without someone spending the night. I think she had a certain amount of fear. I felt bad that she was scared but I knew that she was in good hands.

Sadly, she didn’t feel the same for me. She felt it was okay to treat me as a child in my home instead of a grown woman.

Just want to say, I don't see this man as abusive. I see him as being a product of his generation. My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. Occasionally Mom would fight back. But in his mind, that was Moms job. She raised the kids and he worked to provide. We all knew he loved her. But as they aged, he needed more help and she just didn't have the energy. His heart problems were such I think his mind was effected and then he boarder on verbal abuse. I was glad he went first. She had 11 yrs of peace.

I agree visit less. She doesn't need to go everyday.