My Dad is turning 95 and is residing in a 24 hour care home. Dad's mind is pretty sharp and he has the newspaper delivered everyday. If it wasn't for his falling as he is now in a wheel chair he would probably still be living in assisted living. My dad is very upset with my sister because she doesn't visit him at all and won't answer any of his calls. My dad and sister weren't very close when she lived at home and my sister was always in trouble and got the belt because she always swore at my mom. This was terrifying for me to watch as a teenager growing up. She has never really forgiven my dad for this nor has she talked to him about it. Now my sister refuses to visit him or answer his calls. she is now 63 years old. My dad just wants to talk to her to find out what is bothering her and wants to make amends before he dies. My dad is so upset that he wants to take her out of his will and he is calling his Notary today. I told him I don't want to have anything to do with it as I am his Power of Attorney. I'm sure my sister will contest this and I don't need the extra stress. I can't blame my dad for wanting to do this though as she only has to pick up the phone but refuses and has cut him out of her life. I have talked to my dad several times regarding this and he is adamant that he takes her out of his will and wants to have my two children in her place. I'm not sure at this point what I should do, as it's his money.
Have you talked to your sister about your dad and his wanting to make amends? It might be very beneficial for your sister.
You can lightly broach the subject with your sister - but be prepared for her to decline. My dad (ignored me - i'm a girl) was a real s$it to my brother - they were very different personalities and dad would not accept my brother but tried to change him every day until he moved out at 18. Mental and physical mistreatment. He always acted surprised and hurt that my brother had nothing to do with him for 30 years (lives in small town and wanted sympathy). As my dad's mind began to fail - he wanted to see my brother - and my brother refused. He felt dad only wanted to do this so HE would have some sort of closure -but no acknowledgement of his mistreatment of my brother - so brother said "pppfffttt!!!"
Parents who mistreat their kids do not have any sympathy from me. People in my small town would say "oh, your dad feels so sad and confused that your brother won't see him" and i would say "why is he confused? I'm not surprised my brother won't have anything to do with him, he physically and verbally abused him" Which shocked people and really torked my dad "what will people say" but it was always about my dad and he didn't give a hoot about anyone else.
You reap what you sow. So deal.
It is horrible that dad beat her when she was a youngster...
This beating business makes me sad.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Back then, it was not uncommon for children to be 'switched' or have a belt used on them. I remember not liking it and I straightened out. My brother went on with his bad behavior and stole their rent money. My DH was raised on a cotton farm and they had to go out and bring back a switch to be used on them.
That was then - this is now. If your sister won't even answer your dad's phone calls, he has every right to exclude her from his will. But to avoid her contesting, she should be in it for at least $1 according to lawyers.
Your sister will have to show that your Father was incompetent or coerced when making the will.
And if I am not mistaken if she is left even a token bit in the will and she contests it and your Dad was found competent when the will was drawn up she will get nothing.
I would stay out of this "feud" and see what happens. If your Dad is doing alright now... wait....I am sure that if he shows a real decline in health your sister may come around. Not a guarantee but it may happen. A close member of the family did not see my Husband for 3 years but "came around" the last 2 weeks of his life. For that I am grateful.
If it happens in your case great, but if not, this is not on you.
You have NO control over others action and you should not allow this to add to any type of stress.
Oh..and a personal comment. Your sister was abused. ..as were you if you also got hit.
(As was I and millions of others that grew up with parents that thought spanking, getting hit with a belt, a spoon or any other object was a proper form of punishment)
At her age to still be feeling the brunt of this the beatings must have been extreme or there may be something else that only she is aware of. I hope she is able to talk to someone about this and get resolution of some sort.
What was done....Mom put me as joint owner on all her accounts .... by passing the will.
Talk to your sister, remind her that this may be her last time to allow him an opportunity to apologize....assuming that is what he intends.
If that does not work, explain to your clear headed father that cutting her out is not the best way for making amends for his past actions. Seems like yet another harsh punishment. Instead encourage him to write a letter, and leave her in the will.
Lastly, as someone else suggested, you can always share your portion as a sign of love and solidarity with your sister.
Your father, if of sound mind, can change POA at any time. He can change his will to reflect a new executor, even choosing his lawyer instead of a child. As said, he can leave sister $1. As long as she is mentioned in the will, she can't contest it. Well, she can try but I don't think she will get that far. You need to be with Dad when he discusses this with his lawyer. Like I said, POA can be revoked at any time.
As for the abuse, I don't know. I was spanked with a strap as a child and turned out fine. My parents were great people and I was never abused. You said you sister was in constant trouble. Each situation is different - so I don't know if it was abuse or not - you know the situation better than anyone.
There are many people on this forum who said they had abusive parents and they still cared for them because it was the right thing. Your sister, like mine has made the choice to not be a part of the family. We all make decisions in life and pay for consequences for those decisions. I don't think this will be too stressful for you if she contests it. Have the probate court handle everything.
He may need assistance getting the appointment with a lawyer who will come to meet with him. An Elder Care lawyer can assess his needs and update any documents he wants to change. The changes are between him and his lawyer. You should help get the appointment and be sure your Dad has had the opportunity to privately review copies of all his legal documents before the appointment - will, financial and health POA's. Then leave it up to Dad and the lawyer.
I have RARELY seen a contested will make things "right", and yes, but leaving her $1 and her accepting that, would shut down her rights to even contest the will, in some states.
But again--stay out of it.
My hubby was beaten every day of his life by either or both of his parents. He's 65 and just NOW coming to terms with the incredibly tough way he was raised. Even by "the good old days" standards it was bad. (Yes, I admit I was also spanked, twice, gently, by my sweet dad, who then followed up the punishment with loving words and a LESSON about why what I had just done was wrong.) My poor hubby--when we had kids he figured the one and only "punishment" was a beating. I would not allow it and it took him YEARS to see that I was right.
Your sister's relationship with her dad is their problem, not yours. although you have made it yours. He will either die with or without the closure he may want. It's very sad, but it's not the least uncommon.
Your dad "owes" your sister nothing, from the will. But it sounds like he "owes" her a great deal of apologizing--which probably won't happen. Likely your sister looks on an inheritance as a form of an apology.
True, this is ugly, and a mess. Good luck.
I don't know about your situation, but if that man did anything to that child when she lived at home then he needs to make it right because he's only a heartbeat from death and he may land in hell if he's without Christ. If he's making efforts to reach out to her, have you ever considered that maybe she's scared? If she scared, then it's a good idea to find out why and what he did to her because there may be something you don't know about. It may be a good time now to force it out of her, and get the right kind of supportive team around you to be able to do this and ask very leading questions if necessary because this is often how to get the truth out in the open. When you drill her for answers, do it in a non-threatening and non-judgmental way but definitely have very leading questions ready. Take note of everything she says if you must be the mediator. You want to see about getting advice from a professional on how they would approach this but make sure you go to the right one who really knows their stuff. If your sister has a favorite place, you may have this conversation in a neutral setting in her favorite place but you're definitely going to need to get answers from her to find out why she had to cut her dad out of her life.
* As an abuse survivor myself, I can tell you right away that it sounds to me like he probably did something very serious to her at some point or she wouldn't be so distant. I don't know if he physically abused her or they got into a heated argument and he pushed her away, but it sounds like there was some kind of dispute, I just know it. The dispute was serious enough to drive a wedge between them, I just know it, just from your description I can't deny there was something there and he probably was the guilty party.
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* What I would do is also talk to him. I would have a serious talk with him to see if he crossed the line from discipline into abuse, which in my case was the case with my parents because mine was a life-threatening situation that lasted 13 years and my dad didn't know about most of it, but what he did know, he never protected me. Come to find out when I was 23, a former coworker who worked with my dad at Ford said my dad came to work bragging on the day my sister was killed. That coworker said he came in to work bragging that (they) "killed the kid" and he told how they threw her against the wall on his way out the door to work. Dad was referring to my bio sister. However, dad being the provider, he couldn't afford to take the fall so mom did. The reason why they didn't catch dad is because he did this on his way out the door to work and mom was home at the time my sister went unconscious. This is how mom took the fall because she was there at the time.
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* In the case of your dad, find out what you can from him (talk to him first). Explain to him that you know something serious happened between him and your sister or she wouldn't be so distant. Take note of what he says and then go talk to your sister.
Be prepared for resistance, but don't give up. Sometimes you can push someone to the point they are so angry they'll finally open up. Have a support network around you at the time (talk to her in person). You're going to have to be the strong one here because you're going to have to be the one to find out what happened between the two and why. You all have a right to know what happened, and if you have an abuser on your hands, I'm glad he's being the stronger person by tying up loose ends and I'm proud of him for that. If you have to ask leading questions and dig into his past into the last time he saw his other daughter, then dig into his past and find out what transpired even on the last few times he saw his other daughter. She wouldn't be so distant without a reason and it sounds like he was definitely the one at fault. If he did something to her than good for him for trying to make it right.
Another thing to consider is what if there was an argument over something she wanted and he wouldn't give in?
Or what if she needed some money to help her out because she was in some kind of emergency situation? I don't know your family so I don't know what really happened but I would've thought if it was something like that, then she would've come around so it sounds like it was more serious.
You may actually start out when you talk to each party letting them know that you know something serious happened and make each one of them believe that you know what it is and that you just want to hear it from them. OK, it's called the motherly approach that you know what happened and you just want to hear the truth. This is how I would consider approaching it because your sister wouldn't be so distant if something serious didn't happen to her. People tend to avoid anyone who severely abused them and they may even do tend to be very scared of that person who did something to them. I don't know if you ever read the book titled, "small sacrifices" by Ann rule, maybe you should because there's another example of why children will avoid someone who did something really bad to them. Another book you may also read is by Dave Pelzer titled "a child called it". This is also another story of why a child has every right to later avoid their past abusers.
The more I think about this whole issue, the more it sounds to me like he probably did something really bad to his other daughter. With child abuse on the rise, how do we know he didn't possibly sexually abuse her? It could've been something like moleststation, or some other sexual act. Stuff like this comes on the Steve Wilkos show, adult survivors are coming forward and confronting their abusers and more times than not, it's been discovered the adult child is usually telling the truth. Definitely find out what happened, and let your sister know she doesn't have to be ashamed or afraid anymore.
Anytime someone has been sexually abused in anyway, they're usually ashamed and embarrassed to the point they're afraid to talk about it, so definitely find out what happened, OK?
The way you describe this is ripe for setting up even more drama both now when dad is still alive & then after he dies.
Really you need legal extpertise to review just what dads existing paperwork is. My understanding - I'm not an atty - is that you just cannot "resign" a valid will. If there is a will then there needs to be a "codicil" done to the old will and in whatever form that passes legal review for probate court. If not, family runs having probate done as a dependent administration - which means court oversight & more closer review of assets, claims, heirship. If there's squabbling amongst heirs, PC can name administrator. If dad is still cognitive & competent get him & all that paper work to a elder law atty. I'd call around to find one that is within a firm that also has probate attys who do litigation.... Just in case.
Also about the "11k LOAN", if Medicaid is applied for, it will be viewed as gifting by dad to granddaughter. & will make dad ineligible till repaid & likely also kick dads application to a much more detailed 5 yr review of assets. There needs to be some sort of contract, promissory note, memo of understanding, or other crafted document between dad & granddaughter thats notarized and witnessed...otherwise that loan its not enforceable. Interest well may or maybe not placed kinda depends on if "loan" is securitized or if specifically required by your states laws. It's something to clearly discuss with dads atty. Medicaid may not be involved today, but another fall & dad could need skilled nursing care in a NH rather than just AL. NH run from 5k -15k a mo. At 95 dad has surpassed the actuarial tables for living so he could go to 100. Unless dad has a tidy 6 figurenest egg, if he lives long enough he will out live his $ and Medicaid will be applied for. Unless you & your daughter &/or Sissy are going to private pay for him.
If the money has not yet been paid back, with a modest amount of interest papers should be drawn up to formalize it as soon as possible.
You don not want to have Medicaid if it becomes necessary to deny payments because of that loan.
It also is a possible sticking point that may be brought up in court, if this ever goes to court, that maybe your daughter did take advantage of her Grandfather. True or not it is enough to build tension, add stress to an already stressful situation.
I have often said when you loan money never expect to get repaid. But in a case like this with an amount like that it is best to make good faith effort to repay. (and sooner rather than later)
My friends mother did put in her will that anyone who contests the will gets one dollar. Two contested and their share was split among the other siblings, and the two got their one dollar.
This will be an unpleasant surprise to sister and her hubby, and they will likely take it out on you. Help arrange for the attorney to meet with your dad and let them handle things without you. If the lawyer or some other highly trustworthy person can function as executor that would be good.
If you want to give them some of your inheritance, that is up to you, but certainly do not feel obligated and don't allow yourself to be guilted into it. It should be done out of good will, not coercion or obligation. Sister has decided not to have any further contact with Dad, that is her decision. It is understandable that he would choose not to leave inheritance to someone who has refused all contact for three years. It is not your job to fix it or make it right. They each get to choose what they want to do...and then they live with it.
Let's say the kid was hit to hard and it left welts, that's abuse. If the belt hit somewhere around the face, that can put your eye out or cause other facial damage. If the kid was hit with the buckle, you can do damage more quickly than just the strap alone but the belt definitely does it's own damage. In fact, you can cut someone's skin open with a belt if you hit them hard enough. This is why simple discipline can cross the line into abuse. I don't know what happened between the Op's dad and sister but I strongly suspect it's most likely something more serious than that. Apparently this sister was abused and is too scared to come around her former abuser and I don't blame her because neither could I after my rescue. She probably made a healthy choice to protect herself and any kids she has. in some cases, grandparent rights can even be overturned despite the law as long as the abuse was severe enough to warrant the denial of grandparent rights. I know states each have their own grandparent rights, but in the case of severe child abuse that can actually be proven, the survivor is favored in certain cases if they were permanently removed from the home to save their life. In such cases you don't have to grant grandparent rights to your former abusers. Supervised visits maybe suggested, but the survivor has every right to say no to even that. The survivor has rights in such cases as long as past abuse was documentally proven to be true, especially if the abuse within the family hit the local newspapers and a survivor has documentation or proof of abuse in the family. What bears more weight is if the grandparents have previously killed someone, especially kids in the past and now they live in the free world. You don't have to give grandparent rights to your past abusers in such cases.
In this particular case, it sounds like something more serious than hitting her with a belt probably happened for she wouldn't be going to such great lengths to avoid her dad. People don't avoid specific people without a very valid reason, there was obviously something far more serious done to her or she wouldn't be scared. I think there's a whole lot more to this going on then what meets the eye and it's all a matter of finding out what because something like beatings with the belt, people get over that. In the case where there was far more severe abuse, people don't usually get over that and usually go to great lengths to avoid that person later in life. Of course abusers will be in denial because they'll deny the whole thing or minimize the problem like it never happened or wasn't important to justify themselves for what they did. My bio parents did the same exact thing and they never did own up to what they did because they never try to make it right. At very least this particular man is willing to reach out to his daughter and make it right because he knows his time is short. At this time, he must be pretty sad to the point of frustration if he's willing to take his daughter out of the will, which really wouldn't be fair on his part if he already left behind some damage. Don't punish her for something you did is how I see it. It's not her fault he did something to her and she's too scared to come around fearing something else will happen. It seems like she probably figures he's mad at her and is trying to trick her somehow, I know the feeling. If push comes to show of, I would just share the inheritance with her when you get it if this is the last resort as mentioned here, it sounds like she probably deserves something. At least offer it, that's the very least you can do if you're a decent person. Look at the situation, he's putting forth an effort and so should you. Support him in finding out first what happened and then getting her side of the story because again, there was obviously something far more serious that happened that's not yet out in the open and it's a matter of finding out what and getting it resolved before this man dies. When he's gone, we don't know if he'll be in heaven, probably not if he's not in Christ. If he's in Christ he'll go to heaven. Either way, his end is near and he's just trying to tie up loose ends and this is one of those loose ends that needs tied up
Not confused etc. He needs to have this written in his chart. Also ask for copy of page.
Show ut to his lawyer so he can file a copy un his paperwork.
I am not perfectly sure of this but what i have heard.
Does he have. A lawyer that drew up his will. Ask him the steps to be taken. I know a Dr needs to clear him medically of being if sound amd fit mind.