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My parents moved to Florida from Texas less than 3 years ago to be near us now that we've retired. My Dad has been on ALZ meds for 6+ years. Even though they were barely capable of the maintenance, they bought a house. Dad had several bad falls in the home and Mom was overwhelmed with worry and effort, so we moved them into Independent Living in the area. It's a new facility with activities and a clubhouse with a dining room if they want a meal out, not a traditional AL. We did all the right things for the right reasons. Within days, my Dad is insisting he is going back to Texas and he wants Mom to go. We all know he is insisting for Mom to go because he is incapable or unwilling to take care of himself. Mom does everything for him, he doesn't cook, clean, or wash clothes. He also wants a hip replacement and will expect Mom to rehab him at home, she was a nurse. We moved them into IL to give Mom a break. It's smaller, has monthly housekeeping, no maintenance, activities, and options to eat at the dining room. He wants to buy a truck (can't get into one because of the hip), drive back to Texas, and have Mom co-sign and buy a 1970s fixer-upper (because of the price). Is he delusional or just stubborn? My sisters and I have helped Mom set up bank accounts in her name only and are beginning to split their money 50/50. We are all prepared for Dad to begin his solo journey.

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Do u mean Alzheimer's medications? If so, Dad really can't make these decisions.
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Someone needs to put the whoa on Dad before Mom implodes. If he does have Alzheimer’s, he is not capable of rational thinking. Even if he doesn’t, he still has issues that will preclude him from caring for himself if he does flee Florida alone. In that case, you will be monitoring Mom on the East Coast and trying to watch out for Dad out West. Since he is helpless, you will need to set up on-site care for him. Will he accept that? If something happens and you can’t reach him, you’ll have to call the police to do a well-check. If you call them repeatedly, they’ll probably call APS for a Senior Adult at Risk. ‘Cause Mom should just put her foot down and say no, she’s staying put. Unfortunately, she has spoiled Dad and probably spent all their married lives toting and fetching for him.

How long has it been since Dad was evaluated by his doctor? You don’t seem too sure what his exact issues are. Ifhis meds haven’t been adjusted in six+ years, he needs to have those evaluated too.

In the end, if Dad is adamantly insisting on going, you’ll have to let him. But, Mom co-signs for NOTHING. If he leaves, he’s on his own. Totally.
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What is ALTZ? It doesn't seem that your dad is making sense from what you say, so I'm assuming he has some sort of dementia. Moving into a new place, no matter all the great activities will confuse him. He might think if he goes home he will be where he knows what's going on. It seems he can't go on his own. Don't you think you should hang onto him and hope this desire will pass? Or do you think he is capable of making his own decisions? From what you say, this last decision was not his: "WE did all the right things for the right reasons". What looks good to anyone from the outside of someone else's life doesn't necessarily look good to them, as comfort and familiarity are what they might be wanting, not activities and housekeeping. And of course you did actually do the right thing, but just not in his mind. Might he need a home care person to come in to help him and take the burden off your mom?
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GardenArtist Sep 2019
You've raised some good issues, and given me some ideas about integrating art.
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Middle, I see his attitude as thinking life will be much better in Texas (mass shootings notwithstanding), harking back to better times through a kind of rosy colored type recollection.   It's where the better days were spent; older and stressed minds associate that with better times that could return if they were back in the same area and situation again.

Still, even though he might be hopefully dreaming and reminiscing, the fact is that his desires need to be addressed and dealt with, as his dissatisfaction could probably and likely worsen.

Trying to bring reality to his visions probably won't help and could only hurt, causing him to see his current situation as even more unlikeable, frustrating, and challenging., and more harking back to the good old days in Texas.

What I'd consider is trying to enhance his life here, which could mean that you become involved in some activities initially to help him through this challenging time.   This might mean taking him to activities he could enjoy, acting as intermediary to help him to develop new friends.    A Senior Center might be appropriate as well, but you'd have to help to engage with others (as I assume he'd resist).

Helping him engage in planning for future activities might also help to create a sense of purpose.  Just be careful to choose activities that uplift him as opposed to depressing him and focusing more on the current situation's negative aspects (as he sees them). 

The fact that it was only days after moving into the IL suggests to me that this was for him a challenge that he couldn't face, alone.  

What activities did he enjoy, that still might be done with AL, that you could help him with?   is the staff approachable and cooperative in terms of helping him devise a plan, even something as simple as coming to their room during musical events and ensuring that they make it safely to the community rooms?

Music to me is one of the best ways to address and calm agitated minds.
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Can you tell me what ALZ drugs are? Is he on Alzheimer's drugs? Is he diagnosed? Is your Mom then the POA? Is your Dad in need of guardianship, do you think? It all sounds very unrealistic. Mom is not considering this, I hope, whatEVER Dad does. And yes, a grey divorce sounds, at this point, ideal to me. It is sure what I would be wanting were I your Mom. She is finally in a rather safe place. Heaven forbid she do this with him. I think that your Dad needs a thorough re-assessment at this time. If he can pass it, divide the assets and let him go. How awful. What a dilemma. Important to me now that Mom not endanger herself with this no matter WHAT.
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Just read Artist Daughter's post and am reminded of a few more issues:   (1)  The role art and music play in calming and soothing minds, including those suffering with dementia, and (2)  movement therapy.  PBS showed a program in which people who were generally noncommunicative really became absorbed in painting, whatever they wanted to.  It was all free spirited, free movement painting.     Lots of good hits here:

https://www.bing.com/search?q=PBS%2C%20free%20movement%20painting%20for%20dementia%20painting&qs=n&form=QBRE&sp=-1&pq=pbs%2C%20free%20movement%20painting%20for%20dementia%20painting&sc=0-49&sk=&cvid=1B4BE44BCBDC4CE69A9DF54E42840269

When my father was in rehab after a several month journey through hospitals and long term care hospitals, I took my music to his rehab home and played the piano as often as I could.   Sometimes I played soothing semi-classical, but the music to which most people responded was from their younger days:  Bicycle Built for Two, Little Brown Jug.... music of that long ago era.   Black Hawk Waltz even stimulated one visitor to get up and begin waltzing, alone.

Patriotic songs and military hymns really stimulated the men, especially the Marine Corps Hymn.   I remember a few men standing up and saluting.  

Bringing a portable CD player with old music would allow him to listen in his room, if he so chose.


Movement, especially that of the PD for Parkinson's program, can apply to anyone.   It's to me an extraordinary  and insightful way to use music, camaraderie and creativity to reach deep into basic humanity and how music and dance can stimulate.

Dance for PD doesn't necessarily have to be limited to someone with PD.   I've watched the programs, and was so impressed how music stimulated people to give themselves over to the sounds, to let themselves be guided by the music, and just relax.   

https://danceforparkinsons.org/

Watch the video, do some background reading, and see if there's a class near you.    It might even be possible to work with the IL staff to get some professional training onsite, to engage more of the community.

I watched a video of one of their performances; it was heartwarming to the point of tears to see people just so given over and captured by the music and the movement.

And I would give your father a little longer, while trying new approaches, before thinking serious about their splitting up.    It could crush both of them emotionally as well as accelerate his dementia.
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Oh boy, you have your hands full.

Your dad can no longer make rational decisions, that is what happens with dementia/alzheimers. It is time to figure out how to redirect him in the moment. Mom is going to have to just say no. If you go honey, you go alone. I am staying here and really hope you will also.

His executive function is hugely comprised at this stage, the drugs only slow the progression but they don't change the outcome. You and mom will have to be the decision makers for his safety. I am sorry, this is so hard to live through and do everything that needs to be done.

Please do whatever it takes to keep him from traveling off alone, he could kill someone.

What does his doctor say about the alzheimer treatment, is it still helping? My granny got to the stage that it only kept her agitated all the time, once it was discontinued she calmed down.

Change is very difficult for a broken brain, I would make sure that he is in a place that he can stay as he gets worse. He will settle in eventually and you don't want to have to move him just when things are starting to feel familiar for him. Something to think about.

Best of luck, stay strong and contact the Alzheimer's association for information about the journey you all are on. Knowledge is power in this situation.

Hugs!
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He is delusional. With dementia, there is a time when they have grandiose thoughts and think they are fine and can do things as perhaps they did 30 years ago. He needs to be told "No, you are not moving because you need help and cannot live alone" and he also needs to be told by your mother that she is not going. If you have not already done so, it might be helpful to have a neuropsych evaluation done but he might only show as "cognitive dysfunction" at this point so maybe better to wait. I think it must be really difficult to be in that position; to be old, maybe realizing you are at the end of your journey and wanting to recreate your past life. One thing that helped in our case is that, I began asking, "well, how are you going to manage....(whatever) to get him thinking and problem solving. My FIL has vascular dementia so he seemed fine but his high level functioning was fading and he could not plan or problem solve. He may not be able to see that his plan is a bad one that cannot possibly be successful . but the process may help. Or you just tell him No, and try to deflect him. He will progress to another phase and this plan will go away. If he is not competent or safe to make decisions, then the POA could possibly limit access to funds. If he is not that bad, then you have to hope, saying, "Nope, Mom is not going and we are not helping you do this" will be enough.
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It sounds like your Dad needs memory care, and 24/7 supervision. He cannot be left to his own devices, he is not of sound mind.
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InTheMiddle77, time to pull out the "therapeutic fib" card. With therapeutic fibs you give Dad an excuse that you think he will accept.

Like, Dad wanting to buy a truck and move back to Texas.... you can say "Dad you can't move until the doctor says you are doing better".

Does Dad have a Florida driver's license? If not, tell Dad he needs to do the written test, and the driving test. Just fib saying everyone needs to do that when they move from out-of-state. Give the Dept of Motor Vehicle's a heads-up regarding Dad's condition, you can hand them a note. And what would be the chances of Dad passing the written exam?
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2019
Great idea to go for the driving license. You will feel dreadful if he kills himself or someone else, driving to Texas.
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He’s delusional!
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Let him have the hip replacement but be sure to let the doctor's know there is no way he can do re-hab at home because his wife can not take care of him and he would be on his own. Do this before the surgery. Can you just refuse to take him "home" once he's in rehab? Mom's going to need you to be strong for her. What ever you do, don't let her leave with him or take care of him after surgery. And he REALLY doesn't need to be driving anywhere. He could kill someone. He needs to learn a new word. That word is NO.
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InTheMiddle77 Sep 2019
Since the original post, Dad went to his surgeon about scheduling his replacement. Instead he got a cortisone shot and more PT. He might try other Drs but he's already been told Mom will not rehab him at home. He will have to stay inpatient until he can do for himself.
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My 89 year old Mom moved herself out of Independent Living Facility less than a year after she moved in ( with lots of help from us) and took a financial hit to move back to an over 55 community with townhomes where she lived 25 years ago. Went and took driving lessons, passed the test the 3rd time, bought herself a car and is now driving again. Spent $ fixing up the townhouse hiring people to do everything. Would not listen to us, her money is dwindling and her health worsening. Relationship with family is shot, including me. 1 hour away from me. Just lost my husband who I was caregiver to for many years, so now she thinks I should run over there at her beck and call. My only sib is deceased. Just a mess.
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AT1234 Sep 2019
Sounds like our situation, but she fell shortly after moving home and went back thru whole ordeal again. Less money to work with of course.
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Delusional. My spouse has had ischemic dementia going on ten years. We moved 3 hours from our home of 37 years to be closer to family. DH couldn't find his way to church 1.5 mi. away (one turn off main road out of neighborhood.) Thankfully, his vehicle had developed significant mechanical issues which allowed me to sell it "until".... Until never came and his DL expired. For months all he talked about was renewing it, yet never came right out to ask me to take him to DDS. I did visit their office, just in case, to check on options. Not brilliant. He's 80 on dementia and other meds. Yet all they cared about what that he could pass reading test., No kidding. How worrisome is that??? Alternative was to have FP fill out a DDS paper to send to state but there was no guarantees given that LO would not find out who initiated such action. Great! The "getting back to TX" is something I lived with for months and months post move. While le loved the neighborhood and the coziness of downsized home, he longed for our previous city and home. That actually translates to "life before dementia". No matter where dad is, he will do the same. It's not TX. It's his health, his independence, his dignity, his loss of control over his life and current circumstances. My spouse tries to exert control over the darndest things and I realize it's because he's lost control over everything! He has threatened divorce, moving out, moving me out, but all of it is idle. Deep down he knows he can't function without help. Recently had to trade car and I was dreading transaction because his name had to be on title (100% disabled Vet tag etc..) and tag office requires a state ID. As I anxiously drove us to DDS to get his license renewed he declared that he had decided not to renew it but opt for a state ID card instead. Woohoo.... Prayers answered. Therapeutic fibs are great.... Use them. Tell him it'd be easier to have the surgery before moving, get doctor to confirm. Our FP is very supportive of me guiding some of things DH needs to hear from him.
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Just a FYI, if he has a hip replacement, which I question if a dr would even do at his age, his dementia will worsen due to the narcotics and stress of the surgery. Either way, you buy some time . Without it you blame “that old hip “ that makes it impossible for him to follow thru with his “plan”. Also did you sign a contract / lease with the facility? Could you play that” not breaking the lease and losing a deposit “ card?
sometimes a rational explanation can give an out. Or just an indefinite “ we need time to set it up” or make him make all arrangements which he probably can no longer do
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Bigsister7 Sep 2019
There is no upper age limit on a hip replacement. I remember a patient who was 98 and did well but she did not have dementia.
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We have a somewhat similar situation. For a year and a half we have cared for my husband's mother in our home. His father has stayed in their home. MIL has dementia undefined as to type, but FIL just wasn't able to properly care for her. He can barely care for himself and is very resentful of the fact that he has to "do everything" on his own now. He is an angry man who tries to order her around and run the house "like the army".
It was a mess. She has been better with us but does miss her own home I know. He has sent us money "for her care". My husband opened an account for her here and uses the funds for copays etc..
We are not being paid. FIL says he will replenish the $$ as needed.
There has been no talk of divorce from there 63 year marriage.
He did say the other day that they had a fight on their honeymoon and he should have ended it right then and there!
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InTheMiddle77 Sep 2019
I see the similarities, too. My parents have been married around the same years and probably close in age to your parents. My Dad made all the decisions and my Mom did everything for him and she agreed with all his decisions. Now that she is needing support, Dad doesn't know how and doesn't want to learn. We thought Independent Living (IL) would work for them, giving Mom help and a social life. I guess Dad realized there wasn't much in it for him and thought he could run away from home! Since I posted Dad went to his surgeon and received a cortisone shot and more PT instead of a surgery date.
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He is experiencing a lot of changes which means a lot of stress.. Dementia patients need more time than most folks to adjust to the changes. His behavior is expressing a desire to change things "back to the way they were" - the familiar routine. Going back to Texas will not fix the problems that you and Mom have already identified and are dealing with. It will be the same problems "back home" as in IL or in Texas. If he has dementia, a lawyer will not be willing to go into legal procedures of any kind with him. He may be considered mentally incompetent.

Try establishing more of his usual routine in his new "home". Talk to his doctor about anti-anxiety medications to help him relax in the "new place". Try to make the new "home" look a little more like the "old home". Routines and "sameness" are what will help him to cope... and stay.
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Agree. Transitioning even without dementia is hard. With dementia, quite challenging. If he needs a new hip and his doctor thinks he can endure a replacement surgery, use that as your delay tactic. "Let's take care of your hip first." Don't argue about the rest. This will allow him time to adjust to his new surroundings. Help him feel heard, but just firmly, kindly explain that we will do one thing at a time.
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It sounds like he might have a plan in his head, but his body is not going to cooperate. Do you know anyone with a truck? Bring it over and let him see that he cannot get inside. Maybe his mind doesn't understand his limits. If your mom did not go with him, realistically how would he get back to Texas or afford to buy another house? Maybe putting him off for now by saying go to some exercise classes, get up and help with a little cooking, to get yourself more physically fit to make such a move. When he calls for your mom to do something that you know he is capable of doing, remind him he needs the practice if he's ever going to be able to go to Texas. Also, remind him if he wants that hip surgery he has to be in good physical shape to handle the post surgery therapy. See if he is willing to make any effort (that could only be a good thing anyway).

Are there activities at the facility that he used to enjoy? Dominoes, cards, etc? Make it a family event to try some of the activities and help get him around new people and back into some of the things he might like.
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Do not enable your father to live out delusional fantasies. Do not take him to a used car lot. Do not help him call realtors about a house. Do not allow him to return home after hip surgery i.e. "Dad, if you decide to have the hip surgery you will be going to inpatient rehab". And make sure your mother co-signs nothing. Without help, he can't do much.
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It looks like he will not be able to get to TX by himself. If by any chance he did manage to get a truck and drive off, mom will not need a divorce. Mom will need to get him an undertaker. He is living in the past in his mind, where he was younger and happy. We can never go back there.
I live in a beautiful IL place in a suburban area and I chose to move myself here. It is where I need to be and I now love it very much but the first 2 years, at night I would have dreams of NYC where I lived most of my life, trying to get back in my old apt. or looking for another one. I felt I had lost some of my old identity. Later I realized that I missed the person I used to be and doing the things I used to do, which I can't do now. In time those dreams stopped. I don't want to leave where I am now. Change can take time to adjust ourselves. That is true even without brain problems. As mentioned by others, music is wonderful help. The music the person loved. It can be played in the background. I would also add movies, old ones on DVD that the person loved. But I do think all of us miss who we used to be. Dad is so lucky to have Mom and you in his life. Maybe you can tell him that you don't want him to leave because you will all miss him. Beside that, your mom needs support to deal with him. She can't be his caretaker all the time. Help is available at least part time. It may be hard for him to make new friends there if he is in bad shape. Where I live, it is good that husbands and wives can make new friends seperatel , often through shared interests, old or new. But this takes time. Not sure how much he can participate. The move to FL was a big adjustment and changes are hard as we get older. Women seem to adjust faster, especially if they are in decent shape.
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He has dementia. You are the parent now. You need to protect your mother's well-being and save your father from himself. He is in brain failure. You wouldn't expect someone in heart failure to run a 5K, don't expect dad to think rationally.

Make sure mom is making friends in the community. They will be her lifeline. Dad may be trying to monopolize her time. If dad can't be left alone, see if the community has a day program to provide relief for caregiving spouses. If they don't, look at local adult day programs or bring in homeware for a couple of hours a day.

Dementia often kills the caregiver first.
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Change can be difficult, even for younger people. The medication along with his medical condition can cause unreasonableness. No ones fault. Try and give him some time to adjust. Did he have friends in Texas? Did he have any hobbies he could still do? Oftentimes Assistant Living will have live music or a movie night. Encourage his participation in these activities. Hopefully he'll make some friends. Does he play cards? I feel badly for your mom. Keep trying to help. She needs it.
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You haven’t said how old your parents are? Mine are both in their 90’s and now living in a Long Term Care Center in Utah and are somewhat happy there. Mom has dementia and is getting worse and everyday about 3:00 she wants to go home and the Nurses catch her as she is leaving the room and escort her back. My Dad has a lot of issues but none mental. They used to live in Sequim, WA in an assisted living and really liked it there but with Mom’s dementia getting worse they would not have been able to stay there much longer as she needs a lot of care.
What you are going to find with your Dad is that he will start wandering and get lost if no one is paying attention and he will get worse. When that happens you will have to place him in a long term care where they have nurses round the clock. These places cost about $200/day each!! Your Mom may not be ready for that but your Dad will need more care. There is no getting better with Alzheimer’s it only gets worse. My Mom’s dementia is bad but she still knows who we all are! Good Luck!
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I highly doubt if he had the surgery that they would allow him to go home right after it! That is some serious surgery! More than likely he won't be able to walk until he gets through rehab, so it isn't like he could walk out... There are concerns, though, about any major surgery on someone with dementia. The anesthesia could set him back considerably - it can last for months, and sometimes the patient never returns to a pre-surgical state.

As for moving and his other big 'plans' - these are all most likely due to the dementia. I don't know what meds he is on, but there is no real treatment and certainly no cure for dementia - it WILL progressively get worse.

One of the circumstances that can contribute to a decline/significant change is moving. They moved 3 years ago. Then because of recent falls, they moved again. You state that 'within days' of that move he started the return to TX business. This clearly sounds like a decline in his mental capacity. Our mother's self image was getting in the way of helping her - she insisted she was fine, independent and could cook (nope.) Despite having AL in her future plans, that went out the window with dementia, and when it was brought up, she'd rather be poisoned than live in 'one of those places.' Once we had her in MC, she harped on my YB to take her back to her condo... for 9 months. Out of the blue, the condo was forgotten and she started asking about their previous home, and that continues to this day (along with asking about/for her mother!) Although the condo and house were in the same state, it IS the same situation, along with his brain thinking about 30 years ago, buying an inexpensive place and fixin' 'er up! He is no longer in the "here and now."

Whatever you can do to thwart his 'plans', do it. Ensure he doesn't have enough funds to buy any truck or even attempt moving. If mom or anyone has POA, use it to get assets away from him. Ensure he has no credit cards, especially if they have a lot of available balance! If he can't get there, buying the house is pretty much off the table (still in his mind, but off the table!) Setting up accounts in mom's name only is a good move, however the current plan seems to be:

"...split their money 50/50" and "We are all prepared for Dad to begin his solo journey."

This is NOT the best approach. He is NOT safe driving and he is NOT capable of caring for himself. The funds should be made inaccessible to him AND you should be circumventing these ludicrous plans of his. They are all figments of a distorted brain and should NOT be taken lightly nor should they be allowed to happen. Humor him and let him dream this will all come to pass? Sure. But allow it with little white lies, to distract and deter, making up excuses as to why it needs to be delayed. In no way should any one of you condone what he wants to do.

Meanwhile, get him thoroughly tested. The little test they do in the PCP office is not enough. Make hip surgery the reason he needs testing and get neuro-tested. He may be further along the decline than you realize, and may need to be moved to MC.
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Dad doesn't get to make the decisions as his brain is broken. Prayers sent to you.
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I am sorry you are going through all this. Is your dad a Texas Native? He us probably shell shocked from the move. I recommend counseling. But, Texas has a hold on me...despite my efforts to escape. My husband will die here. I KNOW THAT!

I plan to leave Texas after that...but who knows...by then, I might not have the energy to do so alone.

His plans are not realistic. He has no right to put the demands he has on your mom when those plans are beyond her ability and his too! Her family is in IL, right? Where is HIS FAMILY??? They need to get involved because that is who will wind up with him if he won’t stay there and work with his wife and children. It sounds like his living alone, in a home not equipped for handicap accessibility, in Texas, is a pipe dream at best.

I wish you luck!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
I lived in central Texas for 7 years and i fell in love with the great state!!! Lived with my daughter, she is active duty military....is overseas for 3 years....thus, my move back to Florida to help my mom....
as the saying goes....its better to have lived in Texas and moved, than to have never lived there at all!”
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Your dad seems to be far enough in his dementia that he may not pass a competency test - he is unable to care for himself on his own  probably still sees your mom as a robust 25 year old not someone close to his age

There seems to be a 'homing instinct' with those with dementia - they want to go 'back' but 'back' doesn't really exist - he is thinking of his happiest time of his life but with rose coloured glasses on -

He is forgetting about saving for 2 weeks to be able to go out for dinner rather he is remembering the dinners, he is forgetting going to a supply store & working to build a deck/family room/etc but remembers the good times that where there - it is a dream land he is wanting to go back to not a real time or place & if you take him back he will not be happy there either so save everyone the aggrievation -

How can he go? .... from what you say it seems he still has a driver's license so take that away ASAP before you have a bigger crisis on your hands
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Just remembering Dad putting on his hat and coat and telling Mom he was going to the office, 14 years after he retired. He also occassionally tried to go upstairs, but they had moved from the house to a condo 14 years earlier. So: Help Dad stop driving by telling him his Texas license isn't valid in Florida. Take it away before there is a major disaster and if he insists on getting a new license, NO ONE HELPS HIM. He has to fill out all the papers himself, find the documents he needs, arrange to go to the department of motor vehicles and take the tests. If he passes he can drive, if not he can't. Simple and safe. Now he isn't going where he will suffer alone, and you can get local help to support Mom and manage his dementia. If his health is good you will need a long term plan.
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Stubborn yes. Delusional yes. I can only offer you some moral support. I am trying to put myself in your father's position. I would/will not like losing control over my own life. But if Dad has alz he may no longer be competent. I am sure it is tough to see the decline and really tough to make decisions on his behalf. Sounds like you did the right things for your parents. I presume you have POA. Do your best and accept the result. You can do nothing more. Dealing with a parent with alz is a roller coaster.
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