Dad wants to leave memory care. What do I say and how do I stop feeling guilty?

I was in that situation a year and a half ago. Mom had memory issues but then had a concussion we never knew about but stopped eating, taking her meds, etc. Within a few weeks we had to literally have her removed from her home legally as she was "thinking" rationally knowing she could refuse to leave her house, but not rationally enough to know she wasn't eating or taking her meds. Once in the hospital with meds and getting her to eat, she seemed normal again. Had to go to rehab because she was so weak and lost so much weight. Rehab INSISTED that she needed 24 hours care or AL when she left. We couldn't afford 24, so found great AL -EXCEPT they INSISTED that she needed the Memory Care unit. I didn't agree, but finally acquiesced with my husband and brother believing she needed Memory Care. She hated it and kept asking when she could go home and felt bad for all the "other" residents. I spent many months regretting my decision watching her have dinner with residents who really couldn't carry on conversation. So, I took her down to the pub that was open once a day and she interacted with the other AL residents, and brought her to some of the activities downstairs, etc. It was working out okay - but like you I always felt that she did not belong there.

She eventually started to join in with her Memory Care friends and stopped asking about going home - it took quite a few months. Since then she has fallen and chipped her hip, and fallen a few other times. I am now thankful that she was where she was, where they check on them every hour if she is not out with them and overnight. They DO NOT do this in AL. Plus, they make sure she has her meds, recommend when they think she needs something, and truly treat her like family.

So, within a year, her memory issues have got worse and now I know, even when she seems clear and "normal" that she cannot be anywhere else. Her toileting took a turn for the worse and they were there for her overnight every couple of hours (Her toileting is better now). And although my heart tells me that she would have been better of at first to be in AL, I know now that she is better off where she is and would have had to move within one year, which would have had its on set of issues again.

So, when Covid subsides and indoor activities can begin again, I will take her down again with the general population (who grew to know her and also understand her mental issues and loved her, accepted her, and treated her with respect), and hope that she feels "normal." But I understand that my emotions kept me from understanding what her "normal" was.

I empathize with you and can only offer you my experience. There are residents in the general AL population who should be in Memory Care, and there are those in Memory Care that are more functioning than my mother. But in the end, in the right place, the staff foster a sense of community. It just takes time. My prayers are with you and your dad. When the staff told me my Mom would adjust, I didn't believe them. But, they were there with me every step of the way (and still are), and they were right.

You don't say how long Dad has been in Memory Care. Is this facility just memory care or an Assisted Living/Memory Care.? Mom didn't like it at first either. It took time for Mom nearly six months total.

I found that not going for a week, at first, helped some. The Aids and staff are very aware of what Dad is going through. They really do understand his fears and why he is doing what he is doing. I learned that This reaction is very Normal. In time he will adjust. Just be sure that he is being included in activities and such. It will make a difference. Get to know the staff at his facility, ask questions, talk about the issues, that will help you to understand and relax with the decisions you have had to make.

Don't feel guilty, you have done the very best for him. He cannot be alone and be safe. Dementia is so horrible and unjust. Keep reading and sharing on this site the things that come up. I found it so very very helpful. And I would suggest finding a therapist for yourself or at least someone (not connected to the issues) to talk with. It will help you. Just keep reassuring him that he really is OK. Try to remember with Dementia he does not remember many many things.

Blessings for you and your Dad.

The man has obvious dementia and they all will say the same about others - they can't see themselves like that - but he can't come home. He must stay where he is and is safe and cared for. If he starts in again, attempt to change the subject or tell him you are going away for whatever reason or you are doing some project in the house, anything to deflect the issue. He will forget soon enough if he has dementia. Seeing you is what is triggering this. Do not feel guilty - you did what you had to do - you had no choice. And if he has dementia and is unsafe, he should not be living with you.

We are in southern New Mexico, but my dad now has 24/7 care at a handicap accessible apt. for $18/hr. I realize this does not work for everyone’s situation, but it’s been a godsend for us!

I appreciate all of the words of wisdom. Just to clarify, Dad lived with us for a year and a half and we cared for him. We also cared for my mother, in our home, until she died at home as she wished. We cared for my husband’s mom, in our home, until she died. I cared for my father-in-law, at his home, until he died. We’ve definitely been through it for the past five years. My dad is the last of our parents. Dad wanted to be independent so he bought an RV and lived in that until this recent hallucinating episode. We wanted him to live with us, but we can’t keep him safe because he wanders. He got up one night and drove away unbeknownst to us. He thought it was an eclipse and that’s why it was dark. He sometimes wouldn’t let us into his RV to clean or help. He is in stage 4 dementia according to the doctor. He’s driven to places and then called me to come get him but didn’t know where he was. He got belligerent at a restaurant and tried to fight the wait staff and then the police.
What I’ve taken from all of the responses is to remain positive. Remind myself he’s in a safe environment. He is... the MC has great reviews and the staff is extremely friendly, attentive, and reassuring. Guilt is pointless, but as his daughter, I still feel badly. Thank you for all of the responses.

I know when my father had to go to hospital due to a fall, my mother at that time could no longer handle the dementia outbursts, etc.  We put him into a nursing facility (which was good), sometimes he would ask to come home but I would just tell him that he would have to stay until the doctor said it was okay for him to leave.  Put it in a way that makes it sound it has to be approved by a doctor first.  Then try (which doesn't always work) talk about something else to take it off his mind.  My mother-in-law would say the same thing. we told her the same thing that the doctor had to approve it first.  in time he will forget about asking to go home.