He's in great physical shape, but has been diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's. Our Mom passed away 11 months ago and they were married for 60 years. We understand this has been a tremendous change for my Dad, but now he met a "nice lady" a month or two ago and wants to get married. Yes we want him happy but we're devastated because he hasn't known her that long, and since his reasoning is impaired he is not thinking this through. He said he doesn't just want companionship, he wants intimacy which, as a devout Catholic he feels he needs to be married. We're concerned about many things, how is could affect his LTC coverage, among other things. My siblings and I each have PoA severally, and again we do want him to be happy but his logic and reasoning is often way off base. I haven't met her but I know she's in a wheelchair and has some memory issues as well. Should we contact a Social Worker for the Elderly or should we contact his Eldercare Attorney?
I know Dad is very obsessed over finances, so probably I would let him know that he would be 100% responsible for her care and that might be the cold water that my Dad would need.
Plus if he marries, and the lovely lady has grown children, then if he should pass, his estate would go to her, and she could change her Will and leave everything to her children. I wouldn't even be acknowledged, which I don't think Mom and Dad had planned for that to happen.
I know we are getting way ahead of ourselves here with the what ifs. But it is something that could cause major havoc in the future.... like we need more drama :P
Then there's the issue of their respective memory issues. As your dad declines would the wife be able to care for him or would you and you siblings be responsible for caring for both of them? What a nightmare that would be.
Does this lady have adult children? What are their thoughts on all of this? As your dad and this lady begin to decline how many adult children are going to be involved?
You might have to seek guardianship over your dad to keep him from making this legally binding commitment but that's something an attorney can talk to you about.
What do you think of his priest? If he's a sensible and humane person, perhaps it might be worth asking him to counsel the pair of them to take their time over such an important decision - which would also give you a breathing space to establish whether each of them does or does not have the required mental capacity to enter into a contract of marriage.
I wouldn't want to pour cold water on them (sorry, I probably ought to think of a more tactful phrasing for that!) but it doesn't sound to me as if they will both be able to satisfy the legal and religious authorities of their ability to give informed consent to this.
The only thing I would add, though, is that you're on a sticky wicket saying both that his reasoning is off base and that he retains sufficient sense of right and wrong to know that he has to be married for the intimacy aspects to be okay. I know conditioning goes deep! - but all the same, he still has to have the ability to apply ethics to have got to that conclusion.
Meanwhile, a month or two is too soon. Remind him that he'd have gone spare if any of you had hurtled into marriage that fast.