Follow
Share

My father is 85 years old & wants to bring my stepmom home with only four hours of care in the morning. The doctor recommended my stepmom receive 24/7 care. I told dad the nursing home needs to know who’s helping you so they can document it. He was going to lie to them and give false names. He’s also going to allow my step-grandma (who is 98 years old) to help him in the afternoon. Grandma lives in another state and she’s being cared for by her church members in her home. My sister & I have worked out other arrangements before mom’s release but dad has disagreed with all of our recommendations. Can the nursing home release a dementia patient to only receive a 1/3 of the recommended care? I’m really afraid for both of them especially grandma.

Does anyone have medical POA for her? If so, they can put a stop to this. Immediately seek out the social worker at the nursing home and impress upon them that should your stepmother be released, she will be in an unsafe environment in the home.

Your father most likely feels guilty and your stepmother may be blaming him for being in the facility. He wants to “make it right” by bringing her home but he obviously is not thinking clearly, which means you’ll need to step in. Speak with not only the social worker, but the facility's Doctor, the Director of Nursing and anyone else who has contact with your stepmother. Do not allow her to be released to your father and brought home. By informing the facility that they would be releasing her to a potentially unsafe environment, yiu are putting some of the responsibility on them.
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to Ahmijoy
Report
shad250 May 30, 2019
Good for the father. Maybe the care she is receiving is substandard.
(0)
Report
Has dad had any mental assessments lately? Is he afraid of the costs? Is he afraid to be by himself? WHY does he only want 1/3 of the recommended care? Lying about this makes me think he is losing his marbles himself. Thinking 98 year old grandma, who needs help herself and would have to be uprooted, will be able to help out, is delusional. Take another look and see what's wrong with him. I doubt if he's capable at all of making a sound decision. Tell the truth about the situation to the nursing home. It sounds like dad would be endangering mom with his planned inadequate care. Potential APS situation is just over the horizon. Stand up to him for mom's sake.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to vegaslady
Report
Judysai422 May 30, 2019
My dad wants to care for my mom himself because he thinks it is his job, no one else does it the right way, and he does not like people coming into his house all the time because it bothers HIM. These are other reasons than dementia that you may need to consider.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I like what Ahmijoy said. Tell the facility that Dads home is not safe for Mom. That he himself cannot care for her and the money is not there. If there are reasons why u can't help, bring them up. Let the pros tell Dad he can't do it. Maybe APS could be brought in to look over the situation.

If it hasn't been done yet, apply for Medicaid if there is no money for her care. Dad as the Community Spouse will not be made impoverished.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Is anyone able/willing to say “No, Dad, it isn’t safe or fair to reduce (name’s) care.”

“She needs full time care, and that can be provided here or at (residential care center). “

”We understand that you don’t like people coming in and out of your home, but that’s the only way this can work”.

”If you don’t report her situation truthfully you may be opening yourself to legal consequences.”

”Please plan to (visit a nearby residential care center/interview inhome caregivers,/talk to a social worker about this.....) with us.

“Those are your only options, Dad. She’s not well enough to be here without professional care”.

Whatever reason, your father’s inability to comprehend the seriousness of his spouse’s condition is a significant red flag that he is no longer competent to manage her care. You have attempted to provide reasonable, justifiable alternatives and he has refused them. Someone needs to step forward and take charge even in the face of the inevitable unfortunate circumstances. There is no “good” “easy” “pleasant” way.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to AnnReid
Report
GraceNBCC May 30, 2019
Sometimes calling police or Center on Aging to do wellness checks will shine a light on his faulty ill concieved plan...love can be blind!
(0)
Report
Before she is discharged could Dad spend 1 full day with his wife to see if he can provide ALL the help she needs in a controlled setting? Instruct the staff to do NOTHING unless it is critical.
This way he could see for himself what it would be like caring for someone. And this would not be like it would at home where she is the doors are wide, the bathrooms are accessible, no carpeting, no stairs but at home the set up might not be as ideal. But it might be a glimpse what it would be like.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

What are dads objections to the arrangements you have made.

If she is really in potential danger then someone is going to have to get in dad's face and make it clear that she could be seriously injured or even die because of a bad choice.

Can they move to an AL together? I understand not wanting to be separated, if you took me away from my husband, I would be a very unhappy camper and visa versa.

I had a doctor and I use that term loosely, tell me that my dad needed a memory care facility. Where I live, that is a locked unit, people all in wheel chairs, very disabled and far gone in dementia. I said, no. I put him in a care home and he was able to live just fine. Getting his meds on time, with proper nutrition and medical attention he actually recovered enough to move out. He still needs help, but not 24/7 in a locked unit. My point is that doctors are not always the authorities they pretend to be. It could work.

As far as relocating his 98 year old mom to help him, stop that nonsense at any expense. That leads me to think that he has mental decline as well. Nobody in their right mind thinks a 98 yo is able to do physical care day after day.

You have your hands full. Best of luck keeping this from becoming a tragedy.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

The nursing home may, at it's discretion, call APS if it feels that your stepmom is in any kind of danger. Your Dad needs to stop being so selfish and start looking after your stepmom's best interest.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to mmcmahon12000
Report

This situation is insane. Your father is 85 and wants your step mother int he home with four hours or care. And to expect a 98 year old to help is pure nonsense. Into whose home will these people go? If to yours, no way - you will be a prisoner and your life will be destroyed. And if it is to his home, that is not going to work. These people need far more care than anyone realizes. Do not give in. People with dementia do not belong home where they can cause all kinds of problems and havoc - do NOT do it. They must be placed for their own safety and the peace of the other family members. Go to the office on aging and ask for help. This is a dangerous situation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Riley2166
Report
shad250 May 30, 2019
Not all nursing homes are all that. There was a recent story where a family is suing the NH their loved one was in, because he wandered away and was found outside with bruises on his face and in water.
(0)
Report
From the OP's profile:

*****
I live in NJ & my parents live in PA. My recommendation is for mom (who has vascular dementia) to stay in nursing home because she needs 24/7 care. Dad is 85 and wants to bring her home. He has health, mobility issues too. Their finances are limited and full time nursing care is not financially feasible. Mom has fallen several times in the nursing home because she thinks she’s able to function normally. Im afraid if she comes home she’ll fall down the stairs thinking she can function normally. My other sibling lives in England and isn’t able to come home due to costs. I’m very frustrated because I don’t think dad is thinking about mom’s wellbeing and safety because he wants his wife home.

*****

Dad wants his wife home, it seems, because he is dissatisfied with the care she receives in the NH. He is being told she needs 24/7 care, which the NH is supposed to provide, and yet his wife has fallen several times while in their care. No wonder he's not impressed. What's the point of her being away from him and their home if she still isn't safe when she's there?

I expect he is thinking something like if you want a job done properly, you've got to do it yourself. He believes that his care plus four hours from caregivers plus whatever odds and ends he can rope in from volunteers, e.g. 98 year old grandma, is going to be better for stepmother than the NH.

He isn't necessarily wrong.

Can you get him to agree to an occupational therapist's assessment of the home? Can you work on increasing the number of caregiver hours? - for example, might he be entitled to additional assistance for himself? I shouldn't worry too much about the elderly grandma issue: that sounds to me like a kind thought that nobody is really going to put into practice.

The 24/7 care recommendation is an interesting point to examine. When you have a high falls risk person whose vascular dementia makes her oblivious to the risk - and there goes my nervous tic again, I feel for you oh so truly - in fact it isn't so much the hours as the caregiver-to-patient ratio. And you are not going to get one-to-one care in any facility.

But an 85 year old in poor health is not likely to have the stamina. I did this job, and I was 50-odd and fit, and I looked like Lady Macbeth after a rough night.

Have you asked him what is going to happen to stepmother if, God forbid, anything happens to him?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report
Ahmijoy May 31, 2019
I agree, but we know that 98% of the posters on here complain about the facility their loved ones are in and we all know what happens when the loved one comes home. Pretty soon we’re seeing post about “Why did we DO THIS?” My mom fell a lot too, mostly because she could be a stubborn little tyrant who always knew better than everyone else.

I’m sure that if Dad is adamant, they can bring her home, but I wouldn’t close the door on the facility completely.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
24/7 care just means that she must not be left alone, even in a nursing home people don't get that level of one on one care. People with dementia do live outside of facilities, is your father capable of supervising her for the other 20 hours each day? Does she need skilled nursing care? Is she violent? Most importantly, does she still recognize your father and remember her home?

I'm not saying I think this is a good idea but nursing homes are not jails, unless she needs the specialized care for a physical need that can't be met in her home your father has no reason to make up stories, as her spouse (and presumably POA) he has the right to direct her care in a way he deems best. If you have any idea what is troubling him about the care she is receiving at the NH you might want to work to alleviate that problem, then he may feel less compelled to bring her home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to cwillie
Report
jacobsonbob May 30, 2019
"...nursing homes are not jails" From what I understand, jails provide elderly inmates much of the same care without charging them for it! LOL
(5)
Report
See All Answers

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter