Dad wants me to visit him every weekend. Any advice?

I have had to do it for more than four years now, since my mom has dementia andhas always been a co-dependent person. Family means everything to her, and always has. You want to make sure that when your dad is gone, you have no regrets or "what if" or "if only I had." Jobs, activities, people, come and go, but our family transcends these things, I think. I am sure he is lonely; his wife is gone, family gone, etc. Nothing replaces these things. I would just say this is a season in life one has to adapt to. When I get conflicted, one nurse in the nursing home has been very good about reminding me of these things borne of her own experiences, and sometimes regrets, with her own family.

I had somewhat the same problem with my Dad but a lived 45 minutes away and wishing that I lived closer. Time is short you should visit (dad passed on 2 years ago) with him during the week have dinner with him. I am sure you can eat dinner once a week, take him some ice cream or something he really likes. What they like the most is the company and someone to talk to and also he may like pictures of someone he is missing.

This may not be any comfort, but be glad he wants to see you. I live about half an hour from my mother's ALF, and I can't tell you how many times that I've gone to see her and she refuses to open the apartment door. When she does want to see me, it's usually because she needs something, and berates me and calls me vile names and blames me for her physical condition, because "she never had these problems before I moved her to FL". Well, she was never 94 with dementia either, but that doesn't matter to her. So thank God he loves you, and do the best you can. No judgments here, just envy.

Well Stressed 15, you have recieved many loving suggestions here.. sure would like to hear from you as to how these things were received and if any progress has been made.... wishing you the best.

First, see if there is a way for him to meet others in the senior housing. It reads that he still has his faculties - good for you on this one as it gives him some options for socialization. I forget the name, it's a national agency dedicated to aging care (not AARP! It's Area of Aging something??) but they have local resources/connections locally pretty much anywhere except for very rural areas. There are other senior organizations, too. And there are plenty of volunteer opportunities for him. To be honest, you'll probably have to do the legwork on trying to find socialization opportunities for your father if his housing complex doesn't have this type of service on site. But once you get your father involved in something, you'll feel so good about it. It's like sending your kid off to school for the first time. :-) Second, about visiting him every weekend, can you do some of your chores, like grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills, etc - after you get off work so you can spend just a few hours with him on either a Saturday or Sunday and then still go out and do your fun stuff so you can have a life? You can spread out your chores, errands over a few days during the week and still have a few yours to yourself at night before bedtime. This is what I do. We're all going to get old. And in the end, we all want to be with family/friends as much as possible. You feel guilty now, but you'll also feel guilty after he passes away, wishing you would've done this or that for him - everyone has guilt no matter the circumstances they're in with their loved ones. The guilt is a no-win situation. You just have to find peace with whatever you decide to do. You've reached out to the AC community and this shows that you have a heart and that you do care about your father. Being there for an aging parent whether he is living with you or somewhere else - is a job. For many of us in AC community, our aging parent is just automatically weaved into our lives without a second thought and we find a way to juggle it with our daily schedule. We get frustrated. We get exhausted. We get angered. And we feel a lot of guilt - even when we didn't do anything wrong!! But we find a way to make it work. :-) If your siblings are not wanting to visit the father at all, then maybe you can talk them into helping you find socialization opportunities for him so you're not doing it all on your own. You need to have a serious talk with them and find out what is their deal?! I'm an only child and I know that having siblings isn't a guarantee that they would've helped out with aging parents - but I don't have that option available - you do - use it - tell them to explain to you why they won't help you out. Tell them how you feel about it.

One other thought - would Dad enjoy doing any errands or socializing with you outside his senior housing? My mom did not have the patience to go shopping, but we used to go out for pizza and she really enjoyed getting to go downtown to a Kiwanis pancake day and meeting some of my Kiwanis buddies. Whatever you decide, you probably need some "you" time and if it is not EVERY weekend it could be fine too.

I think I know where you are coming from - when you are with Dad, you feel guilty you are not doing other things, and when you are doing the other things, you feel guilty you are not with Dad! If you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours, a few hours every weekend might be a great thing and maybe you can get a friend or even pay someone else to do a couple chores or run another errand or two while you just "goof off" and be with him. (And I thought only working moms like me suffered that kind of guilt...just kidding - who among us really feels like we have enough hours in the day or days in the week for everything we have desires, plans or obligations to do?... I also have a hard time prioritizing the things that only I can do, and putting first the things that can't really wait 'til later - I tend to latch on to whatever is in front of me and keep doing it, or do the easiest thing first...)

I agree with all here who have been supportive and helpful. I think you are a caring daughter who has no need of guilt. There are all kinds of opinions on these boards, take what works for you and ignore the rest.

Ladee and Sandwich, those were also very good answers.

I am going to address your 'guilt' , not your schedule.... there is healthy guilt , saying we are being selfish and just don't want to make time, and then there is toxic guilt that says you SHOULD do this or that.....guilt is a feeling... take some time to get to the bottom of that feeling, and it's easier said than done, and then you will give him what time you have, without the guilt... Guilt is a monkey on all caregivers back.... and you have been given some strong 'shame on you' messages here....ignore them... and see what drives you to be so torn... that job is yours and yours alone, and you will come up with your own answer...I understand how you feel... I've had to make some tough choices myself... can't make everyone happy and there is only so much of me to go around....and am starting to pick ME more often..... call it what you will, I can live with my choices.. guilt free.

I came at it this way. When everything was hunky dory and we were all younger, how much time did we spend with each other? I build and maintain relationships with people (and especially family) on balanced reciprocity. We were normal, relatively healthy people, capable of making adult, conscious decisions.

Just because he became a frail, angry old man due to his choices, it didn't warrant me treating him with kid gloves. I gave as good as I got. Maybe a bit more from my end, here at the end. I will always miss the man I called Daddy. Not so much the man he became in the last 25 years being married to a jealous, narcissistic witch (with a capital "b") and chose her over his kids. I'll work hard at forgiving him for being a weakling and a coward and just move on. But, right now, I'm glad I didn't waste anymore of what's left of MY life.

Hi Stressed15, Many great suggestions above. I'll add, there may come a time that you will need to spend more time involved in his care, so enjoy your weekends now. Make the visits more fun by bringing a stack of reading material, backgammon set, good sandwiches, anything you both like. Many times a friend or date have asked me if I'd mind stopping with them to visit their parents on the way somewhere, so consider bringing a friend along. Make it fun. When my dad was in rehab after hip surgery, I became friendly with some of the family of other patients and looked forward to chatting with them when I visited.

And of course I'm going to ask, has he been evaluated for depression and anxiety?

I agree with what sandwich42plus had written above.

Grocery delivery once a week was the only time my parents and I saw each other, and that was short because the frozen food in my vehicle for my own household was defrosting.... I worked full-time and my weekends were for running errands for both households. Yet my parents didn't understand why I was so busy. Oh we did see each other for those never ending doctor appointments, and we got together for birthdays, holidays, and Super Bowl.

I think my parents still viewed me as their "child", not an adult who had to manage her own household. They must have thought I walked in my door after work and all the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, auto maintenance, yard work, etc. was magically done. And I had very little social life, maybe a phone call or two from friends.

Stressed15, is it that your Dad wants you to visit him or does he think it is you who wants to visit him every weekend, thus he clears his schedule for you?

stressed - I will come down on your side and not chastise you for not wanting to go to see him every weekend. You are obviously a responsible daughter you call him regularly and you visit him regularly though not as often as he wants. I suspect, considering your 1-2 hr. visits that stretch to out to 3-4 hours if you made your visits short he might be unhappy about you not staying longer but it is worth trying People have different needs for personal time. I am an introvert and have need for much personal time. I recognise your need for weekend time to yourself.

Some times seniors get focussed on one person as their entertainment/company. Have you talked to you siblings about visiting your dad once a month or so on a weekend? That would take the pressure off you. I understand that you have a home to keep and chores to do and also want a day for recreation. This is healthy for you.

I think you have some good suggestions - try to get him involved in some activities, see if your sibs will spend more time with him, maybe try a short evening visit during the week when you are not going on the week end - a dinner date as Linda suggested. If he is the type, maybe talk to the manager of the complex and see if there is anything he could do to help out around there. Volunteering is always good.

I suspect part of your tension comes from the fact that your sibs are not holding up their end of the stick. Sometimes that can be worked out and sometimes it can't and all caregiving is left to one sibling. Are you concerned about the future and what your responsibilities may be as your dad ages?

A note in general - stressed has come here looking for suggestions as to how to balance her time, between her needs and her dads needs, not to be told she is not doing a good enough job and "should" be doing this or that. She is feeling guilty enough as it is and is trying to work out a reasonable solution. Each situation and person is individual. I only see my mother a few times a year for various reasons. No one has walked in my shoes or stressed's.

Good luck to you and blessings to figure out something that works. My mother would like more visits but I simply can't do it.

Sandwich I see you posted before me. Amen to what you wrote.

If you didn't have enough guilt already, I'm sure we fixed that.
It's really none of our places to sit in judgment and tell you how much time is enough or too little. We aren't walking in your shoes and living your life.

Like many of us, there are so many competing demands for us and our time. There simply isn't enough to go around.
When my mother was in some senior apartments 2 miles from us, I realized that it had been over a year since I'd seen the dentist, had a physical, gotten my shots, seen the gym, or anything else that was "for me". I spent every single moment I was not at work doing things for her. She invented reasons and had me running to the grocery store constantly for things she wasn't even using. It was not warm & fuzzy "oh but she wants to see you".

Mom had it in her mind that it had to be me to entertain her. She refused to go to activities, field trips, or the dining room. When I was there, she carped, complained, and criticized until I had to leave. It was not positive or sweet or lovely. It was a good day if I could get her to sit in her wheelchair and let me push her around the facility for a few minutes. She wouldn't do that long though. No sitting out in the open lobby with the sunshine or birds. Gah!

You do not come last. You are an adult who gets to decide what happens today.
At some point the laundry has to be done, the groceries bought, the trash taken out. Meals have to be cooked, dishes washed, and the floor cleaned. Bills have to be paid and bank accounts balanced. This is not selfish "me time" as some would like to think.

I know a lady who sends her aged mother a greeting card every day. EVERY DAY! And I say good for her. I can't do that. I'm not going to compare myself to what other people can or can't do.

You have to get ahold of those naggy little voices in your head that say "not good enough!" If you visited him for 2 hours every day or every weekend, that voice would still be there. We just can't be the everything to everybody.

It's perfectly OK to take a weekend and have a little "mini staycation" to recharge yourself. I give you permission.

If Dad is safe, looked after, fed, gets his meds on time, and has clean clothes with a clean place to sleep, he will be just fine. He is not in peril because you are not there. I promise.

You have to do what you have to do to find the right balance in life or you will pay the consequences with your health and well being. If you don't have that, you got nothing.

Another thought - my husband and his dad go to dinner one weeknight every week. It takes a couple hours, it's on my husband's calendar like any other appointment and they both look forward to it.

Agreeing with Linda, shorter, more frequent visits might help you both. It's not only the thought that counts, it's the deed.

Sometimes, you have to think in terms of better than. While a long visit is optimal, a short weekday visit is" better than " no visit that week. I do "fly thrus" - take my mom a goodie or a small present, visit for a half hour and go home to fix dinner. If I'm in the area during workday, I will drop by with an ice cream sundae. Or time the visit to where I am there to have dinner with her. One thing she likes is when I take my iPad and show her pics of family and friends (via email or Facebook). Yes, it does make the week day longer for you, but it can work out.

Glad others spoke up. I think it is very sad that you are 20 minutes away and can't see him once a week.

Think of how you can help him expand his network of friends. Right now, it seems you're his sole companion.

Is he a veteran? If so, check into activities at the local VFWs and American Legion posts.

Is there a senior center nearby? If so, check into transportation to and from as well as activities there.

What were his interests earlier in life, and can he still do them? If so, look for clubs in those areas of interest.

Is he interested in volunteering? Hospitals need volunteers; one of our posters here volunteers at a hospice center. Animal agencies need volunteers.
Check out libraries - they have reading groups, sometimes needlecraft, sometimes computer clubs.

So focus on his interests and expand outward from there to find activities in which he can participate. Don't let transportation be an issue; senior centers may have arrangements with a local transit agency for door-to-door service.

I'm having a hard time understanding that you can't see him at least once a week just 20 minutes away as well... really? Once a month or every 3 weeks?
I just don't see one visit a week as consuming your life.

You love him dearly, live 20 minutes away but can't visit him every weekend. Let's fast forward 35 years and you're alone and your own kids live 20 minutes away but want to visit you once every three weeks. I'm sure you'll be just thrilled about it.

There are some great suggestions here. I think that calling everyday is quite good. Plus, visiting every 3-4 weeks sounds reasonable to me. As stated above, is it just about seeing you or does he need things done, like help with laundry or shopping?

I would make it a good visit when I did go like out to brunch or dinner. Take him a treat or something special you know he will love. I might also send him some cards that have a special message written in them during the weeks I wasn't going to see him.

Does he have a computer? Does he use the internet? Many seniors do now. If so, that might be away to face chat if you think he can learn how to do it.

If he's just bored, I might look into a paid visitor if finances allow. I know people who pay a person to visit with loved one several times per week. When my cousin was in regular Assisted Living, I talked to the facility about getting her one and they already had a list of volunteer visitors from some of the churches who did it for free. I put her name on the list and she had a visitor at least once per week, in addition to me. I went almost every day, but was trying to get some relief.

It is very stressful, and I sympathise. I'm drawing a parallel with my daughter's situation: she has a highly demanding job, professional exams to study for, a large family and an extensive network of friends she values; and managing her time is difficult. Wherever she is, during her rare leisure periods, she seems to be apologising for not being somewhere else.

But there are only twenty four hours in the day and there is only one of you. You cannot be everywhere. Moreover, you cannot please everyone - and so you must please yourself.

Maybe mind-mapping would help you decide where on your list of priorities your father falls. Because that is what it comes down to: is Activity X more important to you than spending time with your father? I know this sounds rather a clinical way to do it, but when you're dealing with finite quantities of things like time you have, in the end, to be practical about it. There is only so much of it to go round.

On those weekends when you have something else you want to do (these are choices, by the way - train yourself to think "I want to" rather than "I ought to"), instead of feeling bad about not going to visit your father tell him cheerfully that you will see him on the following Saturday or whatever.

And try not to dwell too much on what your siblings are up to, beyond giving them the occasional nudge when it seems fair and appropriate. Your father's relationships with them are for them to deal with. Don't make them your problem.

Stressed; is he participating in activities where he lives? Does he want you to visit because he's lonely, because he needs you to take him on errands, because he's just checking to see if you're coming so he doesn't plan other things? All questions to consider.

Stressed15 - you have to do what works for you. If you know you won't see him on a particular weekend - let him know before the thursday "are you coming" call. you are doing your best - his expectations are causing you stress. Decide when/how much time - communicate it and stick with it. When i ran into 1 hour becoming 3, i would tell them "i will come at 1 and i have to leave no later than 2" so they were prepared. Do what you can with love - it is all any one can do!

Hi NY DaughterinLaw. I do see him every few weeks- at least once a month but usually more often. I actually enjoy seeing him and spending time with him. The problem is he wants me to see him every single weekend. Sometimes I just truley don't have the time.and then I feel guilty if I don't see him.

You are letting one hour turn into three. If you only have one hour because you have to run errands and do chores then make the most of that hour and leave. How would you feel about setting aside one Sunday a month to have brunch or a long visit with him? What about inviting him to your place once a month to watch sports or whatever you're into? I doubt he'll care what the two of you do together because that's not the point. The man likes spending time with you. Good luck!

I talk to my father every day on the phone. As I've stated in my question, I do have a full time job and sometimes do things after work. If I do something say on a Saturday, that is an all day event, then I end up having one day off. I love seeing my father but I also have to do my own food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. He does have other children who rarely visit him. When I stop over to see him, one hour turns into two or three hours. Its not that I don't want to see him, but I feel guilty if I'm tired and don't feel like going there every single weekend. Is that wrong of me?