Dad wants me to visit him every weekend. Any advice?

Ramiller - your suggestion made me chuckle remembering that scene in the movie "Mother" with Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks when she's trying to use the video chat phone.

Malloryg8r: Amen. I hope the OP reads your comments.

Ramiller: Not every older person is going to pick up the skills to handle a tablet. Worth a shot, though.

Just going to throw in a thought. Could you get dad an ipad for christmas and teach him to video chat. I no nothing about your dads health but if he is able to learn i think he would be thrilled with several short video chats a week and a visit every other week. Some senior communities hold computer classes and if he had his own device he'd be thrilled. Doesnt have to be ipad there are less costly ones out there. Just a thought.

I called my mom every day, and saw her almost every other day, or some days a couple times a day, as needed. She died this summer. Now, I wish I would have spent MORE time with her. She's not coming back anytime soon..... and there are so many things I didn't get a chance to talk with her about.....

Gotta do what works for you. I work full time & Mom is an hour away at an AL facility. I time my (weekly) Saturday visit & run errands around it. I arrive when she is finishing up lunch & leave when it is time for her nap. 90 minutes top, and we're both happy. Took me a long time to feel OK with once a week, as I was her primary caregiver when she lived at home (over an hour away), and I was with her 4x a week.

A long time ago I stopped knowing or caring when (if) my siblings call or visit. All it did was upset me. That said, we are starting this journey with my in-laws, so I am sure I will be peeved all over again with my husband's siblings. Their thought is that since my husband & I have already been thru this with my mom, then we are the "experts" and should be handling everything with his parents. ummmm - NO!

I feel your pain. I live 20 minutes away from mom and I'm currently not working because I gave up several jobs to first, bring her to AZ from MO closer to me and 2nd, make sure she is taken care of. I have two brothers. One in IL where mom is from and one here in AZ. The one here in AZ maybe spends 30 minutes a month with her. My other brother obviously doesn't see her. If and when I get another full time job since mom lives in the same city now, I will continue to see her every day after I get off work. My mom basically doesn't have anyone but me and sound like it's the same for you. Please make the time for your dad. They made the time for you when you were young and couldn't take care of yourself and now he cannot. Don't mean to put guilt trip on you but if you can just see him 30 minutes at least more than what you are he will so appreciate it.

There are so many insightful answers here that I'm going to copy them for future reference.

Additionally, guilt become a destructive tool used by one person to emotionally coerce another into behavior desired by the first. The prime example is a parent "guilting" a child into feeling responsible for the parent's happiness or well being, ie, the implied "if you love me, you will do x, y and z." In this case, it actually causes the child to act in ways that may be detrimental to her own health and well being.

Also, all too often, what we call guilt is actually other emotions - sadness, regret, frustration, conflict of too many responsibilities and the feeling that whatever you're doing, you also think you're neglecting something else. When posters say they feel guilty because their parent wants them to do things for them, they may actually be conflicted because doing so would have them not doing something for their spouse or child.

On a less hypothetical level, I spent much time juggling my own responsibilities, while also getting my mom out for rides, full day outings (2 hour visits don't fly with her), etc. Then things go more complex in my life and I was exhausted trying to keep the same schedule. When I pulled back, I felt something that someone might call guilt. But I wasn't doing anything wrong - I was trying to stay healthy while managing new challenges. Some of what I felt was my mom's dissatisfaction with life changes for us all....ie, a classic guilt trip.

I give the OP a hug for wanting to try to find a balance, for being wise enough to know she needs to have recharge time (something many of us ignore). It may be as simple as she and Dad looking at the option of weekday visits so he gets to see her smile and she gets the weekend to recharge. I bet she's looking ahead and overwhelmed at what's to be when the sibs don't visit now while Dad's, well, Dad.

I don't agree that guilt is always a sign to us of when something is "right" or "wrong". For example, I may have been raised in a "traditional" conservative family who believed that ALL women should be mothers and housewives and not work outside the home. If I chose to go against that "belief", than I would probably initially feel some guilt even if I knew I was making the correct decision for myself.

Women have traditionally been raised to think they are responsible for everyone else's wants, needs, and feelings BEFORE their own. When it goes to an extreme it's often called "co-dependency" which is NOT a healthy thing. These type of people feel they are ultimately responsible for everyone and everything and feel guilty when they "fail" to make everyone happy and meet all their needs. Many people are raised with the belief/value of: God....First.....Others....Second... and Self...LAST! I believe this has contributed to the statistic that 50% of caregivers die before the person for whom they're caring. (If the person for whom they're caring has Alzheimers it's closer to 63%) So, there ends up being two "victims" to the aging or disease process. And....then whose alive to care for the loved one???!!!

What others refer to as "selfish", I often refer to as "self-caring"!

Except for persons who are amoral or immoral, there is a reason we experience guilt. It helps us distinguish right from wrong, and make good choices. Other than the usual mundanities of life, your schedule does not appear to preclude a nice, weekly visit with your dad. Assuming you have no young children, a second job, attending classes, or even have a dog that needs walking; then YES (since you asked) you are being selfish. My opinion is that you simply want to spend your weekends doing anything else but visiting your dad, and you are looking for validation. Accept your guilt for what it is, and know that you can't undo behavior that causes regrets. If you haven't already read the brilliant writing of Carol Bradley Bursack, I strongly recommend it.

Wow , Stressed15, what ever has happened that you didn't come back to read all these amazing and supportive answers...... just wanted to thank you all, except for the guilt mongers, I have learned a lot from you answers and hope others with this same issue come here and read and profit from others experiences.... one of the reasons I love this site, so much love and support.... even if the OP didn't have the common courtesy to acknowledge ...... great stuff.... thanks again posters !!!!!!

Right now you can alleviate your guilt by seeing him once a week and once on Saturday or Sunday, even if it's to sit and watch a show. Your sisters will get their due attention, by being lonely old ladies in assisted living facilities, or whatever. Your unselfish presence means the world to him. That in itself is worth more valor than the immediate social thing.You can still make time for that as well. Don't compare your situation with your social friends who don't have this predicament now. They admire your diligence and altruism in this situation and will be blind sighted when they are confronted with it. Its just your turn now.....enjoy the greatness you have to make dad VERY happy now. You may never have this greatness again.

stressed, guilt is non-productive - it robs you of now, of peace. For many of us, there will always be feelings of sadness to see our parents decline, frustration that we can't change things, the feeling of never doing enough. It doesn't matter whether we are providing hands on care or backup while they're in AL or NH - there are always feelings to grapple with.

You asked for ideas about that holy grail, balance. Take it one week at a time, baby bites. Be creative. Keep a few goodies at work so you are ready for spur of the moment visits. Every week, try a different idea, depending on what your life is like that week. See what your dad thinks of the new ideas. I've had weekends where I've so much to do and I'll call my mom on 15 minutes notice, and she'll run errands with me for a couple hours. It's not a ride in the country or something cool, but it's the best I can do to sort of balance her need to be in the world and my need to deal with my life.

(As an aside) irmagparker, Sometimes when your children are used to seeing you as someone who is so independent, strong and capable,(which I'm guessing you HAD to be as a single mom raising 4 children) they don't stop and think about you being any other way. You talk about having "too much pride" to let them know that you need them in your life and miss them. Maybe they need you to teach them that Mom isn't invincible and has wants and needs???? Just my $.02)

I'm 71 years old, I raised 4 children as a single mom. They are all successful but they rarely call me to see how I'm doing. I feel that there is no room in their busy lives for me and that makes me sad and angry. I don't lash out, but I am tired of pretending that I am okay with it. They are who they are because of me. long story. They are successful and rarely call me. So I keep myself real busy, I still work by buying and remodeling old houses and selling them. I have a few friends, but no real friends that I can talk to about how I feel. I have too much pride to let them know I need them in my life and that I miss them. You need to get your dad busy doing projects to where he can have the company of other seniors. Contact these senior programs and get your dad's mind off you and into other fun things.

My mother has begged me with tears any hysterics to move back in with her since the day I left for college in 1989. Even after I got married. Even after I had children.
So, I guess I was already used to that.

From what I've seen, there are two kinds of people in residential care. One is the group who are determined to live completely every day. They are the ones who get up in the morning, dress, and have their routine. They are social and chat with anybody. They are not found lying around doing nothing but watching TV. Regardless of their physical condition. These folks are fun to run into and visit with even if you hear the same story 1200 times. If they didn't come to the dining room for coffee, you know something terrible has happened.

The other group has given up. They never come out, never get out of their pajamas & housecoat. They be every bit as able or better, but it's about mindset. I believe this group has some pretty destructive self talk. I'm too old to try. I probably can't if I do try. There's no point in trying. Adding on depression and the paranoia & anger that come with certain diseases, and it's no cake walk for anybody.

I hope I'm in the first group. That's what I intend while I'm still of sound mind & body!

Yes, send him greeting cards and maybe a sports memorabilia book (there are some with just pictures).

I would put some photos of you at his place. Also when you do go, bring a large bag of his favorite goodies because they will last and he'll remember that it was you who brought them. You also may want to tell him how your career is going, thus making him proud of you.

Don't let any of these folks BULLY you into feeling guilty. Each of our family dynamics are unique and our paths rarely the same.
I do have a few ideas. Get a calendar/schedule of activities that are offered are the senior facility. If he isn't participating, encourage him by stopping by on your way home from work to join him in the "bingo", or whatever. After a few minutes, excuse yourself and leave him at the activity. Perhaps he just needs a little nudge.
Second, get a calendar that he can easily see and put it on the fridge or wall or wherever. Put on the calendar that you will visit every other weekend (or whatever you determine) so that he can clearly see it. Also put on the calendar the events in which he will want to participate. Then call a couple of times during the week and on the weekends that you don't go. When he asks, you can tell him this isn't the weekend for you to visit...for him to take a look at the calendar.
How often did you visit before he went to the facility? Are his expectations because that's what you did before, are they because he recently lost his wife/our mom? Might try to find out what is causing him to expect you to visit differently than before. If you visited more often before, tell him that he is being well taken care of and you know he doesn't need you as much.
Maybe send him an occasional surprise--some kind of favorite fruit, a book, movie, something that will make him smile.
Good luck to you!

Why can't your sibs visit?

That's a refreshing perspective ifryhopice. I would imagine facilitating the Care Giver group must be quite challenging. It's amazing the amount of guilt and resentment that exist in the lives of caregivers and seniors. It really boggles the mind. No wonder there are so many miserable people. I'm so glad that help is available.

I feel it would be different if your father didn't live in a place where he has the choice of visiting with others to help pass the time. I'm not saying it's the same as spending time with family, but we're all ADULTS here with responsibility for getting our own wants and needs met as much as possible.

About 10 years ago I was quite ill and off from work for a few years. (Thank goodness for disability insurance!) My sons....who were both in college at the time.....asked me to move to a town near where they attended colleges. I was deeply touched. I made it clear to my sons, however, that if I moved closer to them, they would be welcome to come see me at any time, but I did NOT expect them to be my source of socialization and support. I wanted them to fully experience college life, not be worrying about their mother. If I needed something of them, I would call. (Which I didn't need to do as I had other ways to get my needs met.)

Unless, as others have mentioned, you may come to regret not spending more time with your father due to him getting closer to the end of life, it's not your or responsibility to be his main source of company and entertainment. Look at the other side of the coin. How could someone who loves you, e.g. a parent, not want you to take time for yourself, your chores, etc, and not be too stressed out????!!!!

You might consider talking with your dad to the effect that while you really enjoy visiting him, the weekends are the only time you have to do chores and catch up with your friends, so you won't be coming over every weekend. I would have hoped he would have realized that knowing that you work full -time, but may not have thought of it or may put his own wants/needs first. Who knows?

As for the thought of how our parents took care of us when we were young even when it wasn't always easy.....I chose to have children. While they were growing up I spent time with them and loved them NOT because I had an expectation of "pay backs" , e.g. time, attention, etc. when I got older!

I facilitate a Caregiver Support group. I frequently remind members: "You are not MORE important than the person for whom you're caring, but you are AS important." In my opinion you need to keep yourself healthy and minimize stress so you can be there fully for your dad when you are able to visit.

Great answer gardenArtist. I was going to ask if her dad was social or what he enjoyed doing and forgot to in my post.

I live in a senior living center. Three of my daughters live within 20 minutes of here. It can be a lonely time of life because we know our time is limited and we will not be seeing our beloved children at all, soon. We used to visit my father in law twice a week, during lunchtime, at a nursing home. I know it meant a lot to him.
Can you keep encouraging him to call his other children to invite them over? If you could talk to them yourself and ask if they couldn't take every third week or some such arrangement. Young people have no idea what it is like to be old and failing. I know--I was there once.

Boy, can I identify with this problem/question. 6 years ago after my dad recovered from his heart attack and I had put my mom in a facility for alz/dem., my sister and I moved him into a retirement community where he is very happy. However, we started going to breakfast with him every Sunday because they didn't serve breakfasts or dinner on Sundays and it was a way for my sister to see him since she worked really long hours. Well, 6 years later, my sister has passed I am still doing it. EVERY Sunday after church we go to breakfast. Now keep in mind I see him once a week for drs. appts or doing his banking, etc. When we have been out of town, I have felt guilt of leaving him by himself, which he's not but he so dependent on me that I know he misses me and is a little lost plus my sister isn't around to take on the responsibility. And yes, when I do tell him I just don't feel like going, he tries not to be disappointed but I can tell he is. Soooo, (sorry that was so long) my suggestion would be to go by early on the weekends one day, stay for a little bit and like the other poster said, take him some breakfast or a treat, and then be blunt but kind and tell him that you have got so many errands, clean the house, etc. that you will see him next time. If he starts to get clingy just give him a hug and say sorry dad, my job takes up so much of my time I don't have a lot of time to do things I love to do which is to see you. Or tell him you are doing the best you can with a job. Hope this helps a little. PS....guilt means you have done something on purpose to hurt someone or something. You are not doing this to hurt him. Good Luck and God Bless

Stresed15 I understand what your going through. I'm in a similar situation with my Dad wanting my full undivided attention. My Mom passed away last December and my Dad moved in with me and my husband. We moved him to an Independent Living Community in August because he is too controlling and causing stress between me and my husband's relationship consuming all my time from the time I walked in the door from working all day. My Dad still expects me to be his only source of entertainment even though he is in a Independent Living Facility where he has meals, entertainment and a bus to take him to the store, activities and doctors appointments. I realize he is safe and all his needs are met. I have a full time job, a husband and family and commitments. I too am stressed out and recently started trying to be firm and set boundaries to once a week for visiting my Dad. He invents illnesses and emergencies to con me into running over to fix his need whatever he claims is an emergency at the moment, he called me one evening claiming he had a bad back ache that he needed to go to ER because he could not get out of bed, only to be told he is fine, it was a pulled muscle. He cries when I visit him and tells me how lonely he is. I showed up early for my visit one day and he was in the middle of playing a game having fun, but an hour later I got the tears and sob story how lonely he is there. But the staff at the facility say he is very friendly getting involved and socializing, taking the bus etc. It's a control thing I realize and he is playing me; since I'm his one daughter he chose to "control"; I have 5 sisters who live out of state so I'm the main caregiver. And they really don't understand the stress he is putting on me and the guilt and anxiety I am experiencing because they are not living here to see for themselves. I am just now setting boundaries and trying to be firm with him, scheduling in advance when I can visit him because for the past nine months he had consumed all my time and my job (thankfully my job has been very understanding and giving me the time for his doctors appts for his so called emergencies). I'm stressing that my job will not be so understanding as time goes on. Not to mention my family, my commitments to my church and other friends and things I enjoyed prior to Dad moving here. Good luck your not alone, as I am learning we as main caregivers need to set boundaries so we can take care of our health, other family members and be refreshed to deal with our parent on our visits.

Do the best you can. That's all any of us can do. My MIL expects my husband to visit her every weekend and she's in rehab, actually going to come home next week. She refuses to come out of her room and go talk to people there. She even knows some of them, having worked with and/or made friends with them years ago. But she wants and expects family to be there all the time. They can't and as a result she's lonely. He does go see her almost every weekend but during the week he's at work. He works very long hours.
It would benefit your dad if he could make friends where he is and he wouldn't feel so lonesome. As far as guilt, I don't know what to advise. My dad was one of the busiest people especially after my siblings and I were grown. We kept in touch as much as possible, I'd go visit when I could, etc. He got cancer and I kept in touch more, visited more. He spent the last two weeks of his life in the hospital. I felt guilt for not being there every single day even though he would've been the first one to tell me I was being ridiculous and to stop it. He understood being busy. He stayed busy even after the cancer diagnosis, going on his final missions trip with his church group two months before his death. He would go to foreign countries for about ten days twice a year, telling people about Jesus while helping to build churches and schools or doing repair work. I think guilt is part of life. I felt guilty for leaving the hospital the day he died because I just couldn't take it. He would've told me to do the best I can, that he knows I love him, he understands that I'm busy and have a life, to visit when I'm able, but don't overextend myself. He would want me to take care of me, my husband and children first, so that I could be of help to him. That's what a loving parent does. If you don't take care of you, you'll be no good to him. If you're able to get in a visit during the week and eat with him, do that instead for when you can't see him on the weekends. Call him and tell him you're thinking of him if you get a spare minute. Just don't overdo it and burn yourself out.

All we can do is to give our parents our love and care to the best of our ability. I have learned to give myself permission to have a life AND care for my mother. Arrangements have been made to make sure she has the care she needs everyday and I am there to see her and manage her affairs on an ongoing basis. There will be times you will have to put your personal life on the back burner when your loved one needs you. It will be clear to you when these times occur. As a parent myself, of course I want my child to assist me appropriately as I age. However, I don't want him to sacrifice his entire life to care for me. Most parents wouldn't. I have seen adult children who have literally sacrificed their entire lives for their parents even before the parent was in poor health (i.e. No spouse,no kids,no social life,no meaningful career). It's not pretty and actually very sad for the adult child. No parent should want that for their child. Do your best, make sure your parent is ok, visit on a regular basis, and live your own life.

Before we placed him in an assisted living facility my dad lived 20 min from my office. I used to visit him every Sat for 2-3 hours at a time. If I was busy on a Sat, I would go there on Sun instead. I also visited him 2-3 times during the week... because I enjoy being with him. I also have two sisters who would visit him on Sundays and once in a while during the week.
My advice to you is
1) don't look at how often your siblings visit your dad. There is always one sibling (in this case, you) who is the one doing all the heavy lifting. Don't concern yourself with how often your sisters visit Dad. You love him, and that's what counts.
2) Your visits bring him joy, he looks forward to your visits, you are his lifeline with the outside world, when you are with him it makes him feel "almost normal" again (this is what my Dad tells me when I see him). Your visits are a priceless gift to him, at this stage of his life you are giving him a reason to live. If you can't spend 2-3 hours with him on Saturdays, go for an hour... but also find time to see him mid-week as well. Stop by to see him for 30 min on your way home from work, spend a lunch break with him