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If my dad has his wits and financial capabilities to stay home INSTEAD of in assisted living / nursing home, shouldn't he have a say in where he wants care even if his wife says he needs to be gone?

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I agree with freqflyer, BB has gone offline, having probably got the answers she needs. But her description "I am caring for someone" does not tally with the content of either of her posts. I believe it was her stepmother who was the carer for her father.
So don't waste your time with any more advice to this BB person.
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You definitely need the services of an elder estate attorney due to the complexity of your question.
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I believe BB, the original poster, is no longer on-line as it has been 4 days without the poster coming back to respond to our questions for this question and another one that was asked on another thread. I hope everything is ok.
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How much time do you spend with your father? If only for a hour or two once a week, he can put on a good show and you will walk away thinking he is of sound mind. But as soon as you leave, another side of him can come out. Have you sat down with stepmom to thoroughly understand the issues without being confrontational? Too many unknowns here.
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If you haven't been the one to provide the daily care, and the stepmother has, I think that you do need to take her wishes into account. No one knows how difficult providing such care as if they haven't done it. It's constant stress and anguish. In home care doesn't take that away from the person who actually lives with your dad. I found that the only time in-home care was actually helpful for my mom was when I had to be away (mostly looking at AL communities for her) and even then Mom fell with a caregiver there and broke her arm so badly that it bent the plate in the arm (from an earlier break) at a 90 degree angle. That was the beginning of four hospitalizations and two rehab stays, as well as me missing work for 4 months. I think that in-home care is only valuable for times when the person is NOT doing very badly yet but needs some help or for when the primary caregiver can't be there.
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First, don't do a POA on-line. Have a lawyer draw it up. My opinion...this is between him and his wife. The statement "she doesn't have to care for him" kind of bothers me. Did she not take a vow "for sickness and for health". I understand that there comes a time that a person cannot care physically for a spouse. Then decisions need to be made for their care. Your Smom couldn't just "drop" him off. He had to be evaluated to see if he needed longterm care. There is a process. You need to find out why she felt she needed to do this. If she wants out of the marriage then its time to get a lawyer for Dad. Otherwise, as long as the NH bill is being paid, not much u can do since she is his spouse.
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I don't know how much is said about these things called granny pods, but maybe you all should look into one. If your dad wants to stay home and the step mom doesn't want anyone coming into the home, that would create a problem. Who's name is on the deed? If it's his name then he should stay if he wants to. If it's her name on the deed then she would have the upper hand. If it's joint owners then they're going to have to come to some kind of agreement but a granny pod might be your answer. I would look into something like this so that he's still home and he can go to the granny pod to receive the care and just meet the caregiver there and no one ever comes to the main home so they both win without him going to a facility.
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This is pretty much the same question you asked before, albeit worded a bit differently. Is your Dad now home? How did he get back? Has anyone spoken with your stepmother to find out why she dropped Dad off at a NH? Did she ever say anything to you or another family member about needing help with him or about her plans? If she did, did no one take her seriously? I am sole caregiver for my immobile husband and it’s a lonely, exhausting, stressful and pretty much thankless job. If your dad has dementia, that’s even worse. A family discussion is badly needed here.
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www.agingcare.com/questions/step-mother-dropped-dad-off-at-nursing-home-without-his-knowledge-or-will-432471.htm
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If dad can afford 24/7 caregivers and has a right to reside in his previous residence, he CAN probably return. He CAN'T insist that HIS wife care for him. He needs to be able to pay for the care he needs. He CAN'T fire the caregivers. He CAN'T call 911 all the time.
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I get the impression there's more behind this than deciding whether your father should be in a facility. Has there been friction before, or has the marital situation changed? Has your mother been caring for him? What's her medical status, and what's his?

What are her specific objections to in home care?  Does she want him in a facility as to opposed to being home, w/ or w/o in-home care?   How old are each of them?
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my suggestion would be to speak to an elder lawyer. if your father is capable to make decisions on his own behalf your step mother doesn't have the right to make the decisions for him.. no one has the right to make decisions for you if you are of sound mind. a health care proxy is good but that's only for when a person is unable to make their own decision on a health issue. I would suggest speaking with a senior lawyer who can direct your father in his legal rights.....good luck....
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This sounds like a more complicated situation. Of course, if someone is of sound mind and controls his finances he is able to determine where and how he lives.
Why does she want him "gone"? is their relationship deteriorating?
In any case, if you feel she may not have his best interests at heart, you may want to discuss with him that he make you his healthcare power of attorney. You can print the papers up online and take them to a bank with your dad to have them notarized. You keep a copy (original signatures) and he keeps another.
This only would be used when/if your dad cannot verbalize his wishes.
In the meantime, it sounds like they need some conflict resolution assistance. You can help him to get in home care with an agency such as Home Instead, they send out an intake person that can help describe the benefits to his wife.
Good luck,
Margaret
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Yes, he can decide, but she also has the right to say no to continuing to be his caregiver.
You don't say how old dad is, what his health problems are or how much care he really needs, how long he and step mom have been together or her age. Is he planning to seek a divorce and live on his own without her?
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