Do we put my dad in a nursing home or keep him at home and risk spending everything?

OBX I do not know what to tell you -if you report her to APS you run the risk of getting her family angery with you and maybe sueing you-also I would not be giving her her meds she should be taking them herself you are leaving yourself open to trouble if something were to happen to her after you gave her her meds-you did not have drug training for CNA --the aides we had were HHA's and they could not even observe my husband drawing up his insulin to make sure he had the right number of units. If you were to lose you CNA you might not be able to get it again. That is why you should have the protection of an agency-your pay would be less but you would be covered by insurance if anything happened to the pt. or to you-or else work in a nursing home or AL facility-For your own good I would consider what I told you and really think about if you report the family and they denie the charges or turn around and say you ate her food or stole things-not being true would not mean much in the long run-they know what they are doing is very wrong -also are they taking taxes out of your pay and paying into social security ? Later on when you retire you will not get much social security payments.

Maure - I'm going to highly second Jeannie on her getting a dementia evaluation by a gerontology group. My mom is also Lewy Body Dementia & Lewy is very very different than Alz in how it runs it's course.

Your mom could have a different dementia like vascular or frontotemporal dementia. The 2 main dementia tests are Folstein aka MMSE and the MOST - both can pick up subtle differences in cognition that can narrow just what type of dementia when done correctly. If she could have frontotemporal dementia, they can do an Addenbrooke's exam. All This is important as some medications work better for some dementia's and other medications can be a very serious problem for others (this is especially true for Lewy Body). For my mom Aricept was a total waste while Exelon as a patch works. She still has dementia but the rate of decline has slowed. Good luck.

@Austen, thanks for your input on my post. As you said, no I do not work for an agency. You mentioned that I take a chance of loosing my CNA certification? That ran out over 15 years ago. People pay me to come into their and their parents homes to take care of them because they do not want to place them into a nursing home. When I take a job, I am sure to explain to them that my certification has expired, however my resume speaks volumes. I have found that more people are concerned with your past experiences on the job, and also your references. Someone would rather pay a middle aged lady that has had over 20 years experience than to go through an agency and get less care for more money. I believe that most agency's require a LPN to administer meds, so if a client needs someone to place their meds in the palm of their hand and stand there and make sure they swallow all of them then, they must pay extra for a LPN to go to the house just to do this. I worked at a nursing home that had an adjourning assisted living facility and I passed meds three times a day and also prepared meds in medboxes for those who chose to keep their own in their room. I worked in the nursing home as a medical assistant, but like I said, I passed meds, made up weekly pill boxes, called and reordered meds when they were getting low. They also had me doing treatments on wounds. So, I have the experience, just not on paper such as a certification. As far as diabetics go, my mother was a diabetic and I gave her many shots. I took care of a man once, for 5 years that was a diabetic and required 5 shots a day. He was on the same unit amount the first and last shot, but the other ones throughout the day were a different type of insulin and I used a sliding scale. The people that I take care of is aware that I do not have any sort of insurance and they trust me because of my past experiences and of my references. The pros out way the cons when choosing to go with someone that has been doing this type of work for a long time such as myself.

As for me...Mom does'nt have much money but she has more than the allowed 2000 in the bank. We are allowed to spend down that amount so that she my qualify for Medicaid then my choice would be to keep her here at home with me using the money to pay for a caregiver to stay with her until the money is paid down enough to qualify. I think that would be a valid reason for medicaid to accept for her to qualify for nursing home care. That's what I am looking at right now. Then it might take the money a little longer to pay down. But at least she is getting quality care. And I, as a caregiver will have rest and peace knowing she is getting the best care possible at home.

we are in a different awkward situation with long term care and mom at home . the LTC is paying $260 a day 24hrs, the rest comes from the family trust all together rough estimate is a whopping ;$17K. you need paper work trustee stuff in order. we picked the wrong one for trustee,.

If you quit your job, where will you be financially when his assets are gone? He will be able to qualify for medicaid. You will be in debt without a job and no visible means of support for yourself. Keep your job and use your father's assets for his support until he qualfies for medicaid. Your future is a priority for your own senior years.

I strongly agree with above do not quit your job -he can be placed now with medicaide pending once his assests are depleated to what is allowed he will get on medicaide and will have been in a place where he will be able to remain-he may have to change rooms and have a roomate but will be cared for-getting another job may be impossible for you and you will find yourself probably homeless -no one who kept their job was sorry but those who did not wished they had had good advice-do not give up your job for any reason-one reason a lot of people do not think of is that your social security is based on your earnings and if you were to get another job it will probably be a a much lower salery-you have to protect yourself -he will he cared for but you may not be-just because he did not plan ahead is no reason to hurt your chances of a suitable life.

POA and then you can take it from there. Good luck with finding a good job here, I think the job depends on what you do. Has your father ever been in a nursing home, my mom didn't do very well there. What is the cost of assisted living, set up for his burial now. What agencies can you locate to help you with the cost of his care. Check out Senior Resources and see what the state has to offer. I do know how exspensive elder care is and because of an old life insurance policy she is not eligible for state aid and all of her social security goes into care not shelter, food, clothes or meds. Best of luck to whatever you decide.

UPDATE....just to give everyone an update....I already had POA (health and financial from my father), HIPA, a will had been drawn up, etc. I consulted an elder care attorney and have since establish an irrevocabile trust fund for him with me being trustee. I also have removed every asset from his name (home, investments, bank accounts, ecc.) and have placed everything in the name of the trust. I have left him with one bank account in his name. He has also revised his will to make sure that I am the only executer thereby removing my brother (who is still an alcoholic and of no help, only a hinderance). The establishment of the trust and naming me the trustee does nothing to change the wishes in dad's will....my brother will still get his share but at least I don't have to deal with him to make any decisions once my father passes on and take care of business without interference.

On a happy note, I was able to find a great job here with my overseas employer. They realized they didn't want to lose me after all these years of service and really stepped up and found a great position for me. My boss is beyond wonderful.

I have recently purchased a home and am evaluating moving my father in with me once I get settled. In the meantime, I am continuing with his around-the-clock assistance and trimming back expenses where I can.

I will also investigate what financial aid/assistance I can get through the VA.

Thanks to all for your input. Hugs to all you caretakers out there.

It is so good of your to take the time for an update. It sounds like a lot of things have been resolved. May the path ahead be not too rocky!

Whether you have home care or put your father in a nursing home, all his money will be spent. You get no help from the govt (medicaid) until you've spent your father's assets except for what small reserve is allowed. If your father is comfortable and safe at home with his aides, you can leave him there. If the aides are not reliable or you feel uncertain of his well-being, then see a geriatric care manager to discuss the best placement for your dad. Good luck to you.

Yes...I asked myself the same question many times. Mom didn't have a lot no assets to speak of. But a small amount in the bank. But enough that Medicaid wouldn't allow. If you choose to go the route of a nursing home. Just remember..the paperwork for Medicaid can be grueling and take some time. Make sure you have your ducks in a row. Check with the Area of Aging and Disabilities and find out your options. Sometimes they can find someone to come and give care to your father..based on his income. If you put him in a home..they will take it all...and if you take him home with you and then change your mind...make sure you leave enough of a paper trail that anything you do with his money is done for his care. Save receipts...they will look back 5 years of his spending..and if anything looks suspicious...they will deny him. I took my mom in and took care of her. She went downhill fast..and after 5 months with me...she passed away. As hard and frustrating as it was...I do not regret it. She died with the love surrounding her. But let me tell you...get yourself help...or respite when you can. Good luck and God Bless.

This situation is not going to get better. As a parent, I would not ask my child to give up their life to take care of me. Your father has dementia and needs round the clock care. He needs skilled nursing IMHO. You need to keep your job for your future. Your parents would not want all the sacrifices they made on you wasted. IMHO, put him in skilled nursing and get on with life, so you can be ready for your senior years.

Get Medicaid right away. Don't try to hide assets, but you can keep a burial fund. Medicaid will supervise what paid caregivers are charging.

Sometimes there is no such thing as "not spend all the money". That is what it's there for. It's hard to see it dwindle down to $0, but we have no choices in the US about how to do it. Unless you are super duper wealthy, then you have all kinds of choices at your feet.

I'd like to follow this question & answers received as I'm dealing with same situation, only thing this person in their question does not mention is how the father would be about going into AL, NH, etc. If the father would be willing to go, how to start that conversation, etc.

I am so glad everything worked out for you employment-wise. You are noble to consider moving him in with you- I would be careful about doing that unless you have the physical, financial and emotional support to make it work. I did that with my parents and my mom still lives with me after my father passed but it has taken a high degree of organization. You can hire an agency for caregivers or higher directly yourself and use a payroll service and a geriatric care manager to set things up. The house would need a walk in shower, rails everywhere, etc. As recommended, you can have groceries and meds delivered for convenience. A DNR order and essential documents in a packet by the door is a good idea in case of emergencies. I believe if you have a close relationship this is a very humane way to go if you can handle the stress. I feel good having my mother cared for downstairs and I can visit her anytime and monitor the caregiving situation. Setting up the trust is smart and making sure your brother does not interfere is also smart, as things can get really messy even if you have POA and your brother decides he wants some inheritance. Best of luck to you!

Find a good assisted living and don't quit your job!

This is a classic case, so common among attorneys: a brilliant lawyer who took care of everyone's business but his own.

It is often difficult to help the person who was fiercely independent, and was so used to managing things for others. (My father was also an attorney, who slipped into dementia in his mid 80s).

But there can be some pleasant surprises. The person can realize how moving to assisted living, and then accepting supplemental help in order to stay there, removes a big burden from their daily living and opens up new opportunities for enjoyable interactions. (But the person is probably not going to admit that change of mind and heart to their adult child.)

How it comes about takes some courage and a few miracles. If I had more space, I would tell the full story of how my sister and I brought my Dad on a tour of the assisted living facility, and how he then just let us take care of the move. We faxed his health care proxy faxed over to the VA so they could get the health certification faxed over to the assisted living, and from there he enjoyed several years of daily bridge games and all the other amenities that gave us peace of mind.

It sounds like you are working alone on this. Have you considered a geriatric care manager? Getting more people on your team can help make more miracles happen. A GCM with the right personality could open up new paths to peace of mind.

I imagine by now (3 yrs later) a lot has happened to you and this situation...since it's 2015... I wish I had read this back in 2012... I don't know the outcome or what others have advised you but I only have my experience to lean on... You need to work to survive this is true... You may have had that perfect career that you couldn't turn your back on but all in all, I say you should stay close to your dad and look for work there... I'm saying this now but I'm certain things have changed for you by now... I wouldn't trade in one moment of my father's time to be near him or with him... He too was our savior and everything to us and now he has dementia... I love him dearly and knowing work comes and goes but you're last moments with your father will be the last forever that you'll have in this lifetime... I hope things have worked out for you since and whatever decision you have chosen was the right one for you... Your friend Pamela...

My father has to go into a NH, unable to self pay, need to apply for Medical Assistance, how much of what money he has will MA take?

wstoner, pretty much all of his monthly income to use toward his NH costs, unless his wife is alive. As for assets, he will need to liquidate them and spend them on his own needs. (Medicaid doesn't "take" it -- but he must use it up on himself before he qualifies for aid.) He is allowed to keep a house and a car, but (assuming he is single) he is not likely to have the resources to maintain them. The state can claim the proceeds of the sale of his house after he dies.

It seems toe he would gteatly benefit from one of those very comprehensive continum care facilities where they handle everything. My dad has several doctors, and every service he needs. They can even skype with relatives on evalustioneetings. If he's well taken care of, you can go back to your job/obligations while you keep on checking on him. If he's in facility that accepts Medicaid, he can stay there after he runs out of funds.

i left my job o move to state where my mother chose fr asisted living. its price but trust me, its th children to do the assisting.. You will need someone with a dPOA in the smae city to admit your father. they aill lso need to have they health proxy.
Yopu can move away but , trust me, the staf let me kn ow regularly my four isists a week and weekend outings for adventures are thebare minimum I shoud be doing for my 93 year old mom with demenia. ( I qualify as a slacker.!!!) But, it is true, the more the stafff sees me, the better treatment my mother receives... the people who liv in the acility as "independents' enjoy th eplace immensely. But it simply never occurred to methat i was taking my mother away from a home she had lived in
forever, her neighbors and that being with dementia does not make it eassy to make friends, phone calls or change channels on the giant screen TV. On th eothr hand she lives her appertment with its view of th heted pool and all the extraodinary flower arrangement as well as the exceptionally simple washer and dryr in her new apartment. In the ned, its your life or hrs. i thought I could make it work for both of us ut that really is not the way dementia works. i will never get mother affiars 'in order.' and I will alwys miss MY old friends in NYC and my old life.

I had my Mother in a nursing facility and safe. I have POA, but she voiced wanting to go home and the nursing home had to let her leave because "she has a right to die at home if that is what she wants". Rights.. she can not care for herself and I am now doing it all..

And you have the right to resign your poa and inform APS that you cannot care for her.

Psalms, does your mother have assets or do you have siblings?

What is APS? Is that DHR? I was told by NH to get Guardianship over her and they would keep her. But they let her leave and someone at the NH carried her to her house. But I have wound up caring for her because I know she can not and I can't just ignore that.. I do have siblings, and they know she needed to stay where she was at. They all live in other states and only visit when they get a "vacation", breeze in for a few days and then gone for the year. My heart aches because I know she needs more care than I can and already give her. She wants everything to be as it once was and has a hard time letting go of stuff and her house, which will be no more after her death; liens. Assests? SS and a small life insurance from my Dad's death, which she has to turn around and make a house payment with.. so no. nothing

Is she on Medicaid? Are you getting some in-home help from them?

Have forms to mail for Medicaid eligibility. Home health was sent when they 'took' her to her house. Home health was to come for 60 days. She let them come in for 2 weeks. And as I kept going to check on her, I always stayed longer than I was advised to do. The more I came, the more I did.. now I am doing it all except I am not a nurse and don't stay 24/7. I just feel sorry for her.