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We're back to square one. About two weeks ago, I boasted that my dad had made friends and settled into his new home after 5 weeks. Two days ago he insisted he wanted to go home and worked himself into such a state that we took him from his room to the lounge area where his friends were. One of the reasons may be that he missed some of his closer friends over Christmas who were taken away to spend time with their families. We were a bit worried to do the same but decided to go there and spend time with him. Now he is stuck on wanting to go home but says they're very nice to him there, but it's not his home.
We are at a loss and don't know what to do. We thought the worst was over.
My dad's communication has improved so much. He spoke very little before, but since he's been there, he chats a lot more.

Is it possible for them to like their surroundings one minute and then threaten to go home the next. This is so exhausting and time consuming. We're not sure either whether to visit or stay away again.

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thanks Sophe509. He has no money or cards on him except when they had a small Xmas fair last week. he was given a little to buy him just a cold drink and a cupcake. We have to leave money with the admin manager who will give him a small allowance on tuck shop days.
My dad ran away already from my sister's house where he was staying, to his 'old' house/home where he lived for 50yrs and a neighbour phoned to say we should fetch him.

He has another problem. He insists on pee ing in the bathroom which is right opposite his bedroom and refuses the 30sec walk to the toilet. People get annoyed with him and he says he cant be bothered. We were told though that the men are more difficult than the women to handle and the few men who are there sit with long faces and will not greet or smile. The don't even talk to each other, but he has made friends with one and 2 ladies who keep an eye on him.
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However, just as a cautionary tale, if he's got his credit cards, money, or checkbook or driver's license, be aware that he may be able to call a taxi to pick him up, get to the airport or car rental agency and get himself home. My mother did that. Two years later after she broke her hip living alone and demanded I come get her I was sure to keep her wallet contents with me. I returned her wallet with non-essential cards in it. She called one neighbor long-distance and threatened to haunt them so many times I had long distance cut off from her phone. So, just to let you know what can happen during one of their bad days.
:-\
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Thankyou Pamstegman. So glad you mentioned the cab. That is exactly what my dad keeps saying. He will go by taxi. I have just alerted the chief staff nurse to his tantrum and she promised to let everyone concerned know.

It just does help to hear it from those of you who may have dealt with this much longer. It puts things in perspective for us.
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Texarkana & Sunnygirl1, thank you so much for your advice and suggestions. It helps so much to hear it from others with experience. He is inclined to make up stories as well. You are both right when you say, it will never again be as before and we need to accept and acknowledge it. We get into a frenzy thinking all the time that we need to help him or make it better, but we cant. It's all so draining and it will not happen in any event.
I think it can be very confusing when they talk 'normal', then it deludes us into thinking that his dementia is not that bad. A real double-edged sword.

I have to take up that suggestion about the depression. He found it hard to cope when his wife died and 'depression' is certainly a strong possibility.
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Talk to the staff about how he is getting along. If Mom has a tiff with staff or other residents, she insists she is going back home. She even insisted she would call a cab. That was the point where we pursued Guardianship and it was immediately granted by the Judge.
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That's right. Get him screened for depression. Cymbalta really helped my cousin. She is so much better than before she went on this medication.

I would not move him, unless it was mandatory, such as improper care or wandering. He may talk of leaving, but as long as he doesn't try to leave, I would wait it out.

He may stop talking of going home or it may be something that he never gives up on. The main point is that he can't go home, so I wouldn't stress over it. Reasoning over it and trying to fix it, just aren't things that are going to happen. Try to divert, listen and move the conversation along.

I would continue to visit, but not too often. Perhaps once per week is enough.

I used to tell my cousin that I was there to enjoy the visit with her and we weren't going to talk about her going home, because that stressed her out too much. Sometimes I would just keep saying that until she let it go. Other times I would tell her that it was too early to talk of going home. Anything to buy time, but she would not remember the conversation the next day.

Your dad could be taken back to his home and still say he wants to go home, because he doesn't really mean the place you think he means. I don't know his level of dementia.

I will also warn you that it's not just going home that may be something he talks about. He may later start saying other things that bother him. Often they are imagined things that don't really exists. It's not all that unusual for a dementia patient to cry and complain about any number of things that don't even make sense to us. I'm not trying to bring you down, but just alert you that dementia sometimes creates delusions, obsessions, and emotional outbursts that make the person difficult to deal with. I expect to encounter that each time I visit my cousin.

If my cousin is upset about something, I just hug her and tell her that I've already straightened it all out. That assures her and she is fine. For example, one day I arrived at her Memory Care unit and she was in the dining room with the other residents eating her snack and having a beverage. I watched her and when she saw me she smiled and came to me complaining that she was upset. I asked why and she said that they were all in the break room ,but not able to have their break. I just saw them having their break and snacks, so I know that was not true. I just told her that I had straightened it out in the office and everything was now fine. She was then as happy as could be and thanked me profusely.

I just think that if your expectation is that your dad is going to be content and happy when you go for visits, you may be quite disappointed. Many dementia patients are not like that.
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Do not remove him.5 weeks is still to soon for him to accomadate.Give him emotional support but DO NOT remove him.Let him talk ,just be there and listen because that is all you can do, you can't make him younger,that is beyond your control.Yes ,it is possible for their emotions to sway from one extreme to the other,it can be like a rollercoaster ride. It is unrealistic on your part to think that one day everything will be fine, that day isn't coming,ever. If you keep thinking that you will be putting tremendous stress on yourself.Take it one day at a time.He will have good days and bad days,good weeks and bad weeks,just one day at a time and remember to breath.You can never make his life like it was before,that is beyond your control.You can keep him in a place where he is safe and cared for.Make sure he is screened for depression,take good care of yourself so you can be there for him,keep coming here for your own emotional support and again, just one day at a time.
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