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i dont understand why he is going out of his way to tell people ( that were my friends, now wont talk to me or look at me) that i lied about having cancer? im 44 they removed both my overies and did a full laproscopic hysterectomy and he leave me notes saying he talked to my doc and the doc said i never had cancer. if mykid got better after surgery id be so happy ! so why is he going so far out of his way to tell people i lied about cancer? hes really popular and thats ok. im no threat to him, so why is he telling people i lied? if im a liar, then wheres my emmy for best actress? he tried to get a hold of my doc, who of course blew him off,i show him papers from the hospitol, i feel lucky that the surgery got most of it, and im now past the surgical menapause that went with it. no help from anybody at all.but whatever, why is he going so far out of his way to tell everyone i lied about such a horrible thing as this? its bad enough im yelled at and accused of putting him in the poor house when he goes out to dinner 2-3 nights every week,my brother, who did abuse him, he never said word one against, so why me? when i moved here i ran his credit report after finding credit cards around the house he knew nothing about, i canceled 7 of them and got his finaces back on track. ive cleaned this house so you can actually breath and it looks good,when i got sick ( excrutaing back pains led me to the emergency room where they did tests and found swollen overies that were pressing up against other organs,almost ruptured my gallbladder) he did nothing, he actually stepped over my body when i collapsed in the hall and went to bingo.after my surgery he dropped me off at the bottom of our huge driveway and left me to fend for myself, including cleaning the trash that had been in my room before my surgery, fixing my own meals with no food in the house,( i drove myself to jackinthebox) and careing for my dog.ok again, im strong. so why is he doing this? im so sick of this crap, i never signed up for this mess!! everyone thinks im so horrible, but they dont see him at home.

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I'm so sorry you have to endure this. Unfortunately, people's public image and who they really are with family can be very, very different. Try to get some counseling to help you detach from what your father says and what other's may think.
Your dad may actually resent the help you gave him. That's sad but it happens. Eventually, people will see through his lies. Living your life honestly and with dignity is really your only choice. You may have to pull away from him in order to do this.
Good luck with this sad situation. Take care of yourself,
Carol
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i think your right about him resenting me. he hates that im a woman and im strong. but his attitude is gonna send me rightout the door.i guess he doesnt think about my brother will be out of prison in 2 years, im the only thing keeping hm away. once i walk i wont be back. i just hate to have this play out like this, i put my life on hold to help him, i dont regret that, but to constantly go so far out of his way to hurt me is not something im gonna put up with. i didnt marry him, he can try to cut all my ties, but im strong and smart. ive picked up and started from scratch before and i can again, it just hurts beause im very loyal, and i know im gonna end up hateing him he keeps acting like this. it just sucks.and to think hes a deacon in the church!! talk about trying to overcompensate where you know you lack,but double duty at the church wont excuse the things he has done. God sees all. and im a huge beliver in karma. thats why i havent done anything to hurt him. hes an easy target, but thats not me. i earned my seat in heaven, im not about to screw that up
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Sebring, your dad's evil, separate yourself from him. Period.
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You were in excruciating pain, lying on the floor, and he stepped over you to get to Bingo? What!!?? And you are still there?

Oh, definitely get some counseling. You may never understand your father's dark side, but you may learn what has made you put up with this abuse and then you can fix that problem.

I don't know who "everyone" is who think you are horrible, but they are obviously not your friends.

I think you have two healthy choices:

Get some counselling and move out
or
Move out and get some counselling.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't see a sugar coating on this mess.
By the way, I can't figure out a way to read the letter in your avatar. What did he tell your doctor?
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yeah. i see that now. ive got to get out of here before it rubs off on me. God will deal with evil..
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no i want to. i went through mental health years ago for post pardum depression, but have been off meds for over 10 years now. but mental health in santa barbara county you need to be court ordered to get in or pay it yourself and im trying to avoid being arrested here.
the 'who' im reffering to are the people ive met through the elks lodge, great people that would see me walk in an say hello! come sit down, these very same people wont look me in the eye. now im not gonna let myself get paranoid, but when two of dads best friends, both very active church members, one of witch i worked for as a housecleaner when his daughter died, came to usual friday desert here at the house, ( dad told me a few days prior they were both looking for a part time housekeeper ..batchlors..) neither one would say hello when i walked up to them in my own kitchen or look me in the eye!! these are men that are the most friendly happy dudes ever now look at the floor when i walk in to say hello? dad is elk of the year. hes the popular guy and thats great, im not trying to share his friends, but to be blatenly snubbed by the very people that gave me hugs a week prior?
he loves to tell his friend, a lady 25 years younger then he that he thinks will be his gal if i werent here, he loves to tell her how mean i am.. 'sue had a mad on today...i dont know what i did...' he thinks i cant hear him when hes across the hall and doesnt have his hearing aids in! i hear the stuff he says and im not gonna 'out' him at his lodge with his friends, i just stop going and vent here instead.. but they belive him that im abusing him! whenmy brother actually was abusing him, he acted like a typical abused person would, you ask him, ' hey, whats with the band aid?' if he tripped on his big old feet, e'd look at you and tell you 'oh, i was gardening, and i didnt see the hose..etc' but when mike would hurt him, ' hey whats with the band aid?' he would put his eyes to the floor say nothing and walk away...he never ever would say mike hit him, he was too afraid. if im hurting him, then why doesnt he have any new boo boos? why is he telling everybody that will listen 'poor poor me' if im hurting him? ive taught him to email, set him up facebook and skype, hes got a cell phone ( i helped him pick so he could hear it) and telephone.. hes tried to cry ( when the window was open ) your elder abusing me!! ' so i handed him the phone and said would you like for me to dial the police for you?nope. he just wanted the neighbors outside to hear.
why am i here? stupid. fiercly loyal? idiot? dont know. but i wont be much longer. the only issue im facing at this point is that i cant, in good consience, move out and leave him alone if his mind is slipping...i have to look at myself in teh mirror. if i have nothing in this world, i have my self respect that i more than earned.ill walk away , but if hes slipping, i have to find someone to take my place here.
i asked him tonight to ask pastor bruce to talk to the three of us. usually he always backs out at the last minute.but i want the three of us to sit down and i want pastor bruce to give me his opinion before i do anything..
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and yes. he stepped over me when i collapsed in the hallway. thats when my overies were so swollen they twisted something inside, i dont know. it hurt like hell though to put me on the floor. i have an incredibly high threshold for pain. i learned a long time ago to override pain. it only really hurts like hell two days later.. ( i used to have a horse, got thrown a lot, then had abusive husband) over riding pain is easy
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I agree with you about not abandoning Dad if he truly needs help. Starting with Pastor Bruce might be perfectly appropriate (unless Dad has him snowed, too.) If it is appropriate to your discussion, show him your medical records. This is not the same as "outing" your dad among his buddies. Also seek specific information on services available to Dad, including assessment of need, and programs available. Try Central Coast Commission for Senior Citizens and also your county Social Services office.

You need to get out of there. Maybe Pastor Bruce can come up with an interim solution so you can leave before all the necessary support is in place.

Your father may be mentally ill. His inexplicable lies about you may be coming from damage in his brain. Who knows? But regardless of the reason for these incidents, you need to protect yourself from abuse. Continue to help him, if that is your choice, but from behind the scenes. Not up close and personal by living in the same house!
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Sebring: Are you unable to support yourself? That's the first thing that comes to my mind after reading all the posts. I appreciate your concern for your father's mental slippage, but I wonder if you any options when it comes to moving out. If not, you are in an even more difficult situation.

What do you want out of life? If it's self-respect, friends of your own, a place to call your own; then you need to make some changes. Your father treats you like crap. Why are you staying. Are you hoping his home will eventually be yours? Many people are in that boat. They stay and take abuse because they care about their parent, but also they would love to inherit the family home or have something left to them that will allow them some security.

There's a huge trade off here. I'm not saying that is your situation, but if it is then you need to own it and look at it honestly. Then ask yourself if it is really worth it.

Best wishes, Cattails
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