My my dad & stepmom have been married almost 25 years, however they are more like roommates than anything. My stepmom has been displaying disturbing cognitive issues for years. My dad has basically had to babysit her & misses out on everything- many friends and family ask what is wrong with her - I think she has frontal temporal dementia, as she is void of empathy & her old personality. She refuses to go to the doctor. There are many documented incidents of her odd antics. My dad has been living in a state of Groundhog's Day for years. To add to his pain, he just finished taking care of his mother who had dementia for the last 5 years. His wife during all that was of absolutely zero help, and in fact sometimes impeded & made things even more difficult in stressful situations - I was needed to step up in her absence. Recently my father has broken his leg. The wife is now at home alone. Her daughters have done nothing to help my dad with their mother's condition and expect him to be the primary caregiver, even in his own declining mental condition. Currently he is about to leave the hospital and go to a rehab facility. His wife and her daughters expect him to return home immediately and do at home rehab in an unsafe environment. He had a very difficult time in the hospital & all I have heard is his wife is worried about the $$ it all will cost... Currently they still have their home of 25 years, it is a four level house with many stairs inside and outside. My dad has previously broken his neck on one of the staircases, so now that he is injured with a broken leg at age 69, I feel it is unsafe for him to return to that situation.
He is able to get along OK mentally, & for years now they have been two halves that kind of make an unhappy whole. My father says he has no intention of being a forever caregiver after his lifetime of helping his own family in a caregiving capacity (his brother was head injured since young & his mom/dementia.) I am his only daughter and I live out of state. I desperately need help figuring out how I can get him out of this situation he has US now in... He does not want to leave his wife totally high and dry, but he does not want to live his remaining days like this. The wife is not planning ahead at all for aging and refuses to move out of their very unsafe home. I have tried to reach out to their lawyer and estate planner (I am his POA) but no one will help me ensure my father is set up right as they say they represent them both as a couple. My step sisters want him to stay in this situation so they do not have to deal with anything. My dad is totally fried and wants to get his wife/roommate the care she needs -- but he really wants to move closer to me (out of state) so I can help him as his caregiver for his elder years. This situation is very strained & difficult. I do not know what to do. He cannot safely care for her right now in his condition - I am grateful in a way he had this injury because now my step-sisters get a glimpse of what he has been dealing with. I am so beyond stressed out and worried he & I both will be tied forever to this insane situation. What are the legal parameters for 1 parent staying behind in receiving care and the other leaving the state to be cared for by me his daughter? Her daughters have no intention of ever helping their mom at all & would place her in facility without his help, I want to be able to care for my Dad & would never consider putting him in a facility (as long as I can). I am SO afraid they all will continue to avoid everything & they will use up my dad fully and he will pass away due to stress. My dad and his terrible wife are not in love and have not been for years. In fact, the last time he was in the hospital 15 years ago with a broken neck (injured from the same staircase!) she was cheating on him while he was in hospital.
I'm exhausted after the past week of hell of him being in the hospital & the only one with his concerns in mind. What do I do????