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OK I will try to make this as concise as possible. My 87 year old dad has lived in my home for the last 9 years since my mother passed away. He has always been difficult and self centered. He has mild COPD, asthma, severe aortic stenosis, severe cataracts, dry macular degeneration, arthritis, a hernia, high blood pressure and is completely deaf etc... Despite these conditions, he is doing pretty well living here with me. He was driving until last year although he should have stopped before that. He fell outside my house last August and had to be hospitalized for two weeks with bleeding in the brain. He returned to my house and recovered, however, I refused to let him drive any longer. He has made my life a living hell. We had many troubles before the fall, my father wanted to go out driving a 2 in the morning because he said he couldn't breathe in the house, he did not want the heat on in the winter and jimmied the thermostats at night putting us in a deep freeze in the morning. Alternately in the summer he wants me to run my ac at 60 degrees and rants, raves and tantrums when I refuse. He has burned food on the stove setting off my alarm and causing the fire department to come to the house. He has left the gas on the stove. When I came home from work the house reeked of gas. I had to have a gas shut off installed to avoid disaster. I also have had to put locks on all my thermostats because of him. Needless to say, my husband and kids have had enough. However, I felt a duty and responsibility to care for him. I cook all his meals, laundry, meds, doctor visits, everything. He has been belligerent all year because he wants his car back. I got him a driver to restore some independence and he used the service to go to a mechanic to come get his car to cut a new key. He is relentless in this pursuit and his frustration and tantrums have gotten more frequent. Yesterday was the last straw for me. I had planned an afternoon in the city with my sons, we were just about to leave when he came out of his room and began yelling he couldn't breath, he's dying (he's been dying for 40 years) you know the type I'm sure. Begged me to take him with me which is impossible because he can't walk more than a few feet. I told him to go sit in the backyard and relax. He then proceeded to attempt to flag down cars in the street to take him somewhere. I don't know where or what he was thinking. He then started ringing neighbors bells. I then put him in my car and drove directly to the assisted living facility in our community. He refused to get out of the car and was yelling that I should take him home. I went in, got the literature and told him that I no longer can live this way. He needs to seriously wrap his head around the idea of getting an apartment there. I told him I will give him the keys to his car and he can come and go as he pleases. I told him I will visit him when I can. He said if you don't want me in your house, I'll go. I made an appointment for tomorrow to go for a tour. Now the issue. Today he said cancel the appointment, I don't want to go there. I want to have surgery to repair my hernia. Yes, I didn't see that coming either. My father refused to repair his aortic stenosis 20 years ago and is not medically fit for any surgery. He could not even have his cataracts done. He would not survive the anesthesia. This is just a ploy to not leave my house. I am done. I cannot do this anymore and I need him to leave. Anyone with concrete suggestions on the best way to navigate this issue, please let me know. My father is a master manipulator he cries and tries to garner my sympathy "I'm an old, sick man" "How could you not help your father" I can't do it anymore. It has been 9 long, hard years balancing his hair brained demands, trying to appease my husband who resents his life revolving around the whims and tantrums of my father. Working full time and raising two kids. Also, I feel like I'm losing myself through all of it. Lastly, what hurts the most is that my father is not appreciative of all I've done for him. HELP!

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Maybe bring the facility to him -- that is, you visit the place and get the admins to suggest some residents, or staff, who might be able (and good company) to come to your house and have dinner with your dad. If he knew some people there he might be a whole lot more open to going????
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I agree with Jenny. Your husband needs to come first, then your children. I don't know how you did it for 9 yrs. I'm in my 3rd yr with my mother and she is getting worse. When I can't handle her anymore that is when I put her somewhere and you should too. Good luck and take care of yourself first, even before your husband.
Hugs
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There are a number of discussions about this very thing. Good place to start:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/mother-refuses-to-visit-senior-living-facility-152149.htm

Best wishes!!
Love, Laugh, Learn
LadeeC
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Call the Rescue Squad to come get him and then DO NOT take him home! Tell them to take him to AL, or where ever he needs to go!
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geewiz, thanks for the response. It is not me who needs surgery. My dad now out of the blue said he wants to repair his 15 year old hernia when he knows full well he is not able to be cleared for it. He thinks that if he somehow has this surgery, I won't have the heart to move him to assisted living.
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It's time to draw the line in the sand. Does the AL do respite care? If so, explain to your Dad that you are having surgery and will not be able to care for him as well as heal yourself. Position the move as temporary until you are on your feet. (Minimum of 2 months). With any luck, he'll like his new home and that will be the end of it. If not, perhaps there is another place to consider. 87 year olds, have NO idea of the concept of assisted living (AL). Be firm
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