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Dad energy level has been getting less and less he has no energy to shave shower or take care of his every day needs. I am his Rep. Payee I have tried to talk with his doctor but he refuses to talk to me at all... and if I ask to go in with dad to his appointments he refuses so I have no chance at all to talk with him.... When dad does go to the doctor he presents himself well showers shaves but then when all is done he goes back to his doing nothing... I would like to see him be put in a Vet's Home where he can get the care he needs.... Can I as a son do anything legally for him? He has a Daughter from a previous marriage that would be willing to help as well... I notice of late he wheezes when he breathes he smokes heavy (told the doctor he quit) I would like to see him get some help.... I know if he finds out I would do this he would never speak to me again so I would need to be discreet about it ..... Please Help before its to late!!

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I will keep everyone updated.....
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Definitely sign the letter, but begin and close with the firm request that the doctor keep the request confidential as your father doesn't want to admit he needs help. Provide contact information in the event that he/she wants to contact you and get further information.

Patients often hide facts from their doctors, which makes diagnosis and treatment harder.

If you sent an unidentified letter, the doctor would either be suspicious or might even think it's a crank letter.

If you could get a health care proxy for your father, it would help, as would a Durable Power of Attorney, but from your description it sounds as if your father wouldn't grant these powers to anyone. And that's unfortunate, because based on your description, he may need someone to step in sooner rather than later and make decisions for him.

Good luck with the doctor.
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I will try and send his Doctor a letter.... Do I need to put my name on it ? or do I state that I would like to remain anonymous? Would getting up a Medical Power of Attorney help as far as maybe admitting or is that out of the picture completely ?
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Let's see...Vet from a war in which the Vets were treated abysmally when they returned home, probably has a military attitude and originally had a sense of invulnerability which has been dashed by his declining health, doesn't want to admit it to family ... I've seen that too.

It might be that it will take a major catastrophe before he'll accept help, or he may never accept the help he's been rejecting.

There's also a possibility that his almost self imposed isolation, and most likely poor eating habits, have contributed to his current mental attitude. When someone is ill in the first place, poor nutrition has a major impact. I speak from experience when I write that it doesn't take much to lose stamina, will power and positive attitude.

One thing you could try is to get Meals on Wheels for him, but approach it in such a way that he doesn't feel insulted or resentful. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that. I tried for months to get my father to agree and he wouldn't, but then an aggressive home care nurse told him he was going to have it - no ifs, ands or buts about it. Now he's really pleased.

And that may be an option. If you can't talk to his doctor, send a letter expressing your concerns and ask for home care. That might be a workable option and it doesn't violate HIPAA confidentiality.

I suspect that he doesn't want you to know the full story because he doesn't want you to know how vulnerable and weak he is. If there's a way you can turn your approach to one that reflects your needs more than his, it might work. Apppeal to the father still left in him to help you by letting you help him.

The flirting and possibly pretended interest in young women may help him think he's "still got what it takes" and is still attractive to women...countering the fact that he's declining in health.

If he can clean up on his own for doctor appointments it suggests he knows he needs to be presentable, and can do it, but chooses not to when he's at home.

I think you're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. But I think your father is going to resist all your efforts unless you can find some way to approach him that doesn't make him feel vulnerable and needy. And I don't know how to do that. I've battled with that issue myself.
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That's another thing he is a Life Member of the DAV and I tried to get him into the Legion.... He use to go to the DAV meetings til he got into an argument over something and now he won;t go ..... He has little friends as people in our small town know him they are nice to him when they see him but they don't actually go out and do things with him because of his actions.... I am even embarrassed to go places with him because he has to hang on all the "Younger Gals" I have told him if he wants to be with someone go for someone in his age group and he tells me he wants a 22 - 35 year old and he blows up when I take him places and are ready to go when I can see he is flirting with the girls..... That is gross I am 33 his Daughter just turned 40.....
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Vetson, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. If he wants to yough it out, I don't see that you have any way of making it otherwise. Are you in touch with any of his Vet friends? Someone who can talk to him?
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I am not sure what is really going on..... I mean he use to go places and not he just does nothing.. He has no energy at all.... I mention yesterday Dad you have not shaved in a while..... The roof almost come off the house so I just went on my way to my apartment upstairs and cried... I wish he would go to a place where he can be around different Vets and also get care as he needs its sad families have to deal with this and there is nothing we can do until its to late.... I have called County Health Services he makes to much to be eligible for help .... Like I said his daughter got so fed up that she does not have a thing to do with him.... I am to the point of that but I can't just go..... I know when the scan is but he said he would have be removed if I showed up so I will just stay put im sure if something bad comes up they will contact me .... Hate to be like that but I respect his wishes....
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I'm wondering if your dad is experiencing some depression. From reading your post, if he is, he probably won't admit it and won't tell the Dr. I'm sorry to say, if your dad doesn't want to help himself, you can't do it for him. I would show up for the aorta scan. If you know where and when. Would he accept help from a housekeeper? Contact your county health dept, senior services. See if a casemanager can screen him and see if he is eligible for homemaker services.
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I just hate seeing him like this.... He is really moody and controlling I am sick of living like this he lives below me and I am all he has but I am to the point of fed up..... His Family does not care about him his daughter cares but just is so fed up she refuses to come see him due to his controlling and moods..... I wish there was something that could be done ....
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vetson, he obviously has cardiac and pulmonary issues that he does not want to share. He does not want a vet's home and you can't force him to go. He is not fooling his doctor, trust me. If the scan shows an aortic stenosis or aneurism, he may even refuse the surgery. He has the right to do this, and knows full well the consequences. Abide by his wishes and do not challenge his decision, just allow him his final dignity. My father was a WWII bomber squadron commander, so I know what you are up against.
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Just to add Dad does have a aorta scan scheduled for Aug. 12th but he does not want me to be present for this he is driving himself....
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