My 93 year old dad is blind and uses a walker. 2 weeks ago he had a big boil on his chest which is now healing. He has been in bed all this time and now has bedsores on his buttocks. Although there is no more inflammation or fever or pain, he refuses to get out of bed or for me to help him to sit up so he can be strong again and walk to his sofa. He just lies there, I have to feed him, clean him, turn him and he resists everything with aggression and force.

The part-time caregiver has noticed that he is deliberately being stubborn and in fact has a lot of strength. We are tired of cleaning, feeding and changing him when he has told us himself that he has no reason not to get out of bed. He tells us he wants to die in his sleep, but then wants his medication if we don't get it to him in time.

The doctor says we have to get him up and walking as there's nothing wrong now. I gave up my livelihood to work part-time to care for him, have no friends, no break, haven't changed my bed linens for a year now (either no time or no more energy). He's just drained me dry and mom and I are so distraught that nothing can make him happy or cooperate in his own care.

We don't have money to take him to a nursing home and when he was there for 2 weeks when mom was in hospital, his room-mate who was known to be violent beat him up because he could not see and was feeling his way to the bathroom. Yes, I'm writing from Scarborough Ontario Canada where if you visit a nursing home to see, they clean up and put on a good show - then if you visit outside of visiting hours, it's total neglect, abuse and chaos.

"PSW's" from all countries leaning against walls chatting and joking while patients are crying, laying in urine and faeces, falling off their beds - there's no set standard of qualification here, and they do this just to get into the country. No compassion or care except for a rare few!

Yes, I'm ranting because healthcare here is supposed to be free (well it isn't good or free) and we pay massive taxes for it!

Don't know what to do - I'm so stressed and tired and now my doctor says my health is deteriorating fast. Counselling is so expensive at $175 per hour and I tried it once but all they do is give me a smarmy smile and shove me out the door.

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If your dad has been in bed long enough to get pressure ulcers he probably hasn't the strength to get up anymore. Taking to the bed and staying there is the worst thing an elderly person can do. Not only does it affect their strength and balance but their body's chemistry as well which will contribute to his strength and ability to move. It's a vicious cycle.

I agree with Babalou in that you need to get your dad on some kind of anti-anxiety medication and give up on trying to get him up. At this point if he were to get up he may just crumple to the floor. He would need a professional there with him if he were to try to get up, a PT or an OT. Someone who can tie a gait belt around your dad to ensure he doesn't fall.
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Also, if the private-pay counseling isn't working for you, get yourself on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist. Meds may be of help to you as well.
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He has dementia. He is not being "deliberately stubborn". He's lost his reasoning ability.

He has bedsores? I'd get him to the hospital, or have the doctor order visiting nurses to come see him to advise on that.

What psychiatric medications is he on to help with the aggressive and non-compliant behaviors. Is he taking antidepressant/anti anxiety meds? These can be very helpful with dementia patients; antipsychotics may need to be used if his behavior becomes very aggressive.
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