I care for two parents. My father refuses to cooperate with anyone. Is it time for me to bail out?

My parents can certainly afford assisted living. They are spending over two grand a month just for a part time caregiver. Their planning has been horrible. My father says "We are going to die in this house". Well, that appears likely. At 90, I don't know if they could survive the move. So much of this nonsense could have been avoided with proper planning. I have psychological problems (bipolar disorder) of my own. The stress and aggravation can be intolerable.

Sorry for you. If your parents can afford it, put them in an assisted living facility. My mom is 83, dad 89. My Mom has had dementia for about 10 years to some degree, Dad only showed signs due to aging in the last 5 years. To improve your life, do what you can to get care for then, especially memory care.

Zoeydm - place your question by itself please and it will get a better response. Thanks!

Dreyfuss - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You're right about the place sounding like a dysfunctional zoo. But unfortunately a LOT of elders don't listen to their physician's orders, therapists, caregivers, etc. and no one can make them. But that's not the destructive part. The destructive part is your mom and her refusing to take her medication, falling, as well as the depends situation - and your dad and his diabetes getting so low he has to be revived - so obviously he's not taking his blood sugar and/or medicine like he should - which he could easily go into a diabetic coma from. And I'm sure there's more that you didn't even mention. Unfortunately, it sounds like someone is going to have to be a bad guy here. And if you can, it should be ALL your siblings getting together, especially since your dad sounds like a real hard-head, and inform your parents that they are not in a position to live alone anymore - and that you can't do it by yourself anymore. Try to make it non-confrontional and all about how they both need more help than you're capable of giving. Hopefully your parents have the funds and can be placed in an assisted living facility. Before you have this talk, do your research as to how much this will cost, do they have long term insurance, can they be in the same room, etc. If they're unagreeable right then, maybe that will get them to thinking about it though. Caregiving is extremely hard by itself, and having dysfunctional parents, especially with Dementia, just adds to the pain. Just know we have been through a lot of this too and care for you. ((HUGS)) Good luck!!

My sister has dementia now over 5 yrs but never shared this with anyone. She is 71 yrs old and lives alone with 2 sisters (myself included) to care for her. She is and has been a very independent,private to a fault, call the shots person. She has a son who lives several states away who really does not want any involvement in making life decisions for her. I would move in to care for her but she would not allow this. She is still driving and trying to things which she no longer can such as bills,shopping, lawncare. She also refuses to take any meds. She is accusing my sister of taking large sums of money from her and becomes very agitated over many things. I am at a loss of what to do.

Destructive behaviors? Well, not listening to the advice of physical therapists, speech pathologists, or anyone else seems destructive enough. She will not take any medication unless I put it in her mouth. She has severe asthma and won't use inhalers until she is ready to pass out. My mother yells constantly for my father, who seems to deliberately ignore her. (He refuses to wear his hearing aids.) She has had multiple falls and he refuses to follow instructions on how to walk with her. He has severe diabetes and has required glucagon or paramedics to revive him. My mother refuses to wear her depends and fouls up the entire house. On and On. This place is a dysfunctional zoo!! I try desperately to get some order in place but my father does things his dysfunctional way.

Have your parents refused an assisted living situation?

I agree with what was said above. Someone with dementia should not be calling the shots. Leaving and letting the cards fall where they may could result in a house fire or some other tragic situation but your dad's insistence that everything be done his way is putting both of them at risk as well. And even with you there their situation is bad so I can only imagine what would happen if you left, although I can understand why you would want to. If you did leave, just leave them at your dad's mercy, I wonder if you could get in trouble with authorities? That's something to think about.

What are some of the destructive behaviors?

Both parents have dementia. Mother is worse than father. He has severe diabetes. She also has renal failure, bad heart valves, hypothyroidism. My father is a stubborn old mule who refuses any advice or assistance. We do have a professional caregiver coming four hours a day, five days a week, but he complains about that as well. They can "survive" without assistance. Ever doctor and specialist feels that they need professional care and family care if at all possible. Even my older brothers are suggesting I move out and let the cards fall where they may. My Dad has always been a stubborn "know it all". Frankly, he makes me emotionally ill.

I agree with Jessie that more information would result in more specific answers.

But here is the bottom line in my mind: Dad has dementia. A person with dementia should not be in charge of making decisions for his own care, let alone someone else's. Maybe he legally still can (if he is not legally incompetent) but morally (in my mind) it is not right to allow/enable him to be in charge. Not that he is bad ... that he has plaques or clumps or tangles or protein deposits or something else in his brain that interferes with judgment. He can't help it. It is not his fault, but he and your mother need to be protected from his bad decisions.

If you can stay there and somehow manage to take charge, that would be awesome. Staying there and watching them self-destruct doesn't seem like a good thing for any of you.

Before you throw in the towel, see if you can get some training in how to be a caregiver in this situation. Find a local support group. Come back here with specific situations that are challenging you. Discuss the situation with Department of Aging and Disabilities in your area (or whatever it is called where you are.) Call the local Alzheimer association (even if he has some other kind of dementia). None of us is born knowing how to do this extremely difficult job. Love is a good start, but it is not enough.

My best wishes to you as you struggle with this.

It is hard to know what to do. Do both your mother and father have dementia? Are they able to fend for themselves or do they need a lot of assistance? If they don't need 24/7 supervision, perhaps you could move close by and see how that goes. Please let us know a bit more about their capabilities and someone may be able to help. It sounds to me that assisted living would be a wonderful option for them. However, I know that it can be hard to pry older people out of their homes even with a shoe horn.