Dad's (94) body has given up on him but his brain has not. He refuses nursing home. Any advice?

I'd be very interested to hear your sister's view on this - the one who's local to your dad. She must be going spare, isn't she? You could put her on to the forum! - seriously, there are many people in her situation, whose parents seem blithely indifferent to the stress they're causing their concerned children. The moral support of discussing it with people who are similarly placed is invaluable.

7 months ago dad was living at home with his wife who was suffering from dementia and hence placed in a nursing home. Dad was home alone, had a fall and broke his shoulder, could not get up and it was only that the neighbour found him called the Ambulance, into hospital and now rehab, he has only one hip, one eye is full of arthritis,Needs help to get out of bed, go to toilet and feed himself During his time in rehab mum passed away, One daughter lives nearby but cannot cope, the other daughter (my wife) we live in NSW and have holiday units, each time my wife goes down dad agrees to going into care but as soon she comes back he changes his mind. the girls have POA of Finances but not of him, Thanks pamstegman for your views, my wife has been trying to get sister to pass it on to the social worker.

If two MD's declare him incompetent and unable to live alone, the DPOA kicks in and they move him to an appropriate facility, with medications to make the transition smoother. Talk to the Social Worker. You may need to pursue at least a temporary Guardianship.

Its a good thing Dad is not in my POA situation. He would have to do what she wanted regardless of this wants.

I'm of the opinion that what a person wants should take a back seat to what is best , no matter what their age. Being old does not exempt folks from this. Having said that, adults have the right to make bad choices. The tricky part is that, often, those poor decisions can cause great heartache and hardship for family and loved ones. I hope you can convince your Dad to do what is best for himself. If you can't I hope you and your siblings are able to safely navigate the coming difficulties.

My elderly parents continue to make horrible decisions. Each day I have to draw my boundaries while I try to remain compassionate. It helps that my siblings and I have vowed to be a team in this. I wish you the best of luck.

it's eerie in the fact that I am now faced with a similar situation. My 94 year old grandfather spent 3 months in a Skilled Nursing Facility and now he is at home. His mind used to be sharp but his body is failing him. He is now reluctant to accept the fact that he has to be in a wheelchair, and is stubborn towards any help that we give him. We have 24 7 care for him but he is truly obstinate when dealing with toileting. This and eating have been the two areas of most contention. even though he is at home, he still wants to go somewhere else, I think he still thinks he is in the nursing home. When his mind is made up nothing or no one can change it. I wish you good luck and hopefully things work out:)

im going thru something similar with my aunt right now . her choices are being made for her by her cow daughter who quite simply refuses to take care of her mother . she has no good reason , no employment , no responsibilities . moved into ednas IL years ago on the cheap on the pretense shed care for her mother . i dont mean to judge anyones ability or motivation to care for an elder but ive seen firsthand what happens when you delegate a selfish idiot for a poa . you lose control of your life . i think self determination should never be overridden by younger relatives and i think the old man should go home even if he dies at home in a weeks time . maybe im being simplistic here but im looking at myself in a few years . if i say im going home , IM GOING HOME ..

If your father has capacity, and he says he's going home, then he's going home. The question then is: how? And what is your father's plan for that? Does he have the money to fund in-home care?

In the end, he's in the same position as any other consenting adult - which means he has to deal with reality. I would like to insist that I am moving to a service suite in the Savoy Hotel, but sadly…

At heart, I'm more sympathetic to your father than I sound. Consult the discharge planning team about how close it's possible to get to what he wants, because ethically speaking that is what everyone should be aiming for.

Just a note to bear in mind. You may well be correct that the nice unit you've found for him is the best answer; that is, the safest and most practical answer, with many other advantages to it as well: I sympathise with you, too. But if he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it, and it may be you and your siblings who have to be more accepting if he continues to reject your advice.

Elders want to keep their independence until their last breath, and they refuse to surrender. It's like being grounded back when we were teenagers, except this time it IS forever.

You mention he wants to go home... where had he been living prior to going into rehab? Was anyone caring for him back then or did he do everything for himself? Maybe he is still under the impression that if he goes home he's back to normal, or at least he is hoping that is the case.

What does the rehab group have to say regarding this? They would know if he was capable of living on his own or not. Tell your Dad if he can pass all the rehab test, then he can go home.... if not, then his best interest is a "retirement home" [do not call it a nursing home as folks from that generation think of a nursing home as a horrible place].